Thursday, April 05, 2007

Thursdays Suck

I remember this feeling from my last marriage...strange that it's come up again.
I'm disappointed to know that Chance is headed out with his co-workers again tonight.
I feel as though the weight of moving has fallen completely on my shoulders.
We tried going to storage today, and chance just said I wasn't making any sense, and attacking him when I told him how I felt about sorting out storage by myself. I find it difficult to see it any other way. He gets angry when I say that he could be over there at anytime he chooses, but he chooses to do other things. Yes, he claims to feel bad about leaving me there with both kids, but I've got suspicions that it wouldn't be done otherwise. If it were done just by him then it's possible I'd lose a bunch of things like I did when we moved (I lost about 6 items of furniture and a bunch of other stuff that he took to the dump and left there).
I can't say exactly why I feel like I do on thursday evenings, but to aim towards it I guess I feel like a kid who doesn't want their parents going out without them. Like maybe I'm going to miss out on the fun. I know there's not much time left to have fun with my husband, but it hurts my feelings that he doesn't want to have fun just with me, but if we do spend time together it has to be all four of us. I guess I can feel the pressure on both of us, but all it's doing it forcing that little bridge to a large gap between us. Communication breakdown. Where neither side gives a shit about the other.
This, of course, adds to my feelings of singleness.
I'm frustrated about tonight because we're having our moving sale again this weekend, and since it's a long weekend we'll be starting tommorow.
I feel guilty for even wanting to intrude, but I wish more than anything I could. It's not fair that I can't have that kind of fun with my husband. it's almost like he's ashamed to bring me with him. Course, that's just the way I feel, doubtful that it's in any way true. But second guessing oneself never makes anyone feel good about their place in life, that much I know.
That's the part that gets me so bummed out...I totally remember this feeling from my last marriage. I hated it then to, because it was like I had no rights, and could only sit on the sidelines while my husband moved on without me.

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