Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It's strange to know that I relate to those who love me.
At some point in time someone else knows how I feel.
I feel I, myself have lost sight of who I am because I'm consumed with how someone else sees me, or saw me. I know who I can become, but things need to be overcome before I feel I can move foreward positively.
Why, in all of the relationships I've been in, have the people I put my affection into taken me so for granted? Is there something inside of me that inherently screams Use Me! Do I put myself in that position? Do I willingly stand aside and say it's ok to do this to me?
I'm so very hurt that I can barely scope the depths of it.
Now I'm left with two options, and neither one is appealing, and tough decisions are very close at hand, none of them are going to be easy on anyone's feelings.
Disruption of this magnatude can do nothing but harm everyone.
I feel in some way, guilty that I didn't do enough to better myself. I've always believed in living by example. Everything I expect from everyone else in the world, I expect from myself. I regularly look within myself to see what needs improvement or change, and have never feared those changes. Why would that be so hard for others to accept? I've never had the role models of the "Leave it to Beaver" or "Partridge Family". I've always done the best to my ability, and have always stayed true to my beliefs and values.
Why, then, do I deserve this?
The only thing that keeps running through my mind is, Am I really so horrible that I didn't deserve a little honesty, dignity, or respect?
Out of the past five years, There were a handful of times where, under normal circumstances, I put myself first before anyone else. In my belief, when you are in a relationship, that's something you just don't do, because that other person who's with you is supposed to do the same. That way, I may not be first to myself, but I'm still first to someone else, and that balances everything out. It may be a quirky way of looking at it, but it seems very logical to me.
That's how I would value my relationships. The ability to see just how much I mean to someone by letting them put me first. I'd be selfish otherwise.
Out of all the actions I've claimed over the years, I found the little ones spoke the most, because if I care as much as I've claimed to, the small things means just as much as the big ones. I somehow figured that the small ones made up for the huge ones that I felt too vulnerable to put foreward.
This was why I felt so vulnerable.
This is why I'm so disappointed in myself, and feel, in some way, a failure to myself. i've missed those major things, and turned my head away when it mattered most. I ignored my intuition, and my instincts. I knew there was something there, but I couldn't put my finger on it, and probably didn't care to dig deeper for the fear of being proved right.
I should've known that it would come to me sooner or later.

I'm slightly pleased today that I've fit back into my size 10 jeans. it shocked me when they went on with no issues, and don't really even look like they're painted on, or have anything sticking out that should'nt be there.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Nietha said...

You don't deserve to be mistreated... no one does. But you have to not allow people to treat you a certain way... so either change your "acceptance" of their behaviour or show them the door.