Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm tired.
I had a training workshop in the big town today for Facilitating something for Success By 6. It was good, and I feel I will be able to apply it to some of my families.

I'm lonely. I've asked that we not have company over for the time being, as I was witholding some issues from Mr, and they unintentionally coming out when we had guests under the guise of witty sarcasm. I know when things start coming out like that that I need to step back and work through them until I'm more comfortable.
It seems like I cycle through stages like this. I feel healthy, and I feel good about the flow of things, and something set me off, and I clam up. I stop talking, I stop reaching out, and I retreat into myself for safety's sake.
I've not visited with anyone but my Gramma, and a friend of Mr's in over a month now. I'm not reaching out and chatting with people jovially, and showing how strong I am by carrying on. I'm living in shadows and spending time in books, and retreating farther away from what's here.
I know where it's stemming from. I know what's causing it. I just don't want to talk about it.
of course...that tension is carrying on to other aspects of my daily life, and I can feel the whole house tensing up with me. I don't like it.
There's never a good time to bring up what I want to bring up. I know this.
Tonight, I'm just tired. Rather than talk about it, I'm going to get the kids ready for bed, then I'll do the same. Maybe things will look better in the daylight.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I Didn't

I'm crying because I'm watching my mother leave. She's left me alone with him again. I'm bathing, and I'm scared. I'm lying in bed, and though I've giggled, it's a nervous giggle. I know what's coming.
I'm pretending to be asleep. I'm trying to make sure I'm breathing evenly, deeply. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, I want so badly for my mom to come home. I know she won't be home for hours.
He's coming down the hallway. He's in my doorway. Between slanted eyelids I can see his shadow in the doorway.
This is my nightmare.

I don't want to keep secrets. I want to feel. I want to feel like I'm normal. I don't want to be shattered. I don't want to feel like I'm never going to reach. I want you to know that I'm still here. No matter what you do to me, I'm still here.
I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm all that, but I'm still here. There's got to be a reason why I'm still here.
I'm strong. I know that there will be an end. There will be a day when this doesn't hurt, where this doesn't destroy me, when these thoughts won't wake me up in the middle of the night.

I've spent the last few months in a stupor, one way or the other. I've drank until I can't clearly remember what happened the night before. I've stayed up until all hours of the night babbling about nothing in particular, or watching movies because I'm afraid to sleep.
I've brought my children to bed with me because I can't bear the thought of sleeping alone. Sleeping alone terrifies me. I'm using them as my barrier. I'm letting them be my excuse for not carrying on. For not facing what I need to face to move on.
I'm stuck. Again.
I've slipped from my track of thinking about myself positively. I can't see any beauty. I'm avoiding mirrors. I'm not letting pictures of me being taken. I'm hiding out at home. I'm not going out, facing the public. When I do go out, I put on that mask. The mask that I need to hide behind that makes me feel worth the life I'm consuming.
I'm so deeply afraid that if anyone knew just how much turmoil boils inside of me that they won't want to associate with me. I'm afraid that they will tell me what I'm so deeply afraid to hear.
I want to cry. I want to hold it in. I want to forget. I want to pretend it didn't happen.

I'm lying on a bed, in a stupor. I can hear the crowd in the other room. I'm trying to sleep off what I've consumed. We were all having a great time. I thought I had found people to trust myself with. I didn't.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The Light

I can see the light!
We're finally coming out of the fog here.
I've come to realize that illness can spread a lot more easily in a small, rural community than it does in bigger cities.
Over the last month our small community has suffered from an outbreak of Norwalk Virus.
My lil D-man caught it, and it had him down for two weeks. Longer than they predict it usually should last, but I think he caught it twice, if that's possible.
H is finally getting over a nasty head cold that had him snotty and slobbery as all get out.
I've tired now, and I'm sick of dealing with sick kids. I want everyone better, and I want everyone happy right now. My patience in this department is now next to nil. there is seriously only so many times I can stand to sanitize the hell out of my house in a limited time span.
Things have been going rather smoothly I guess...even though I've changed my schedule at least a dozen times to accomodate home hours w/the kids.
I'm starting my fundraising for the local Playschool that I volunteer for. Hopefully I can get enough done by the time it comes round for us to hold the event.
The boys have joined gymnastics, and are doing well with this venture. They both really enjoy it.
I'm still working a couple of hours per week at the daycare, and I'm enjoying my time with the children, as they all seem really quiet whenever I'm there. We've been playing a lot of hide-and-seek in the snow when we go outside together. It's fun.
I'm on strike right now. I realized that by the end of this month, we'll have lived in this area for an entire year already. Feels like time flew by. That being said, this also means we've been without a proper bed for that long as well. I'm hoping to get one within the next month, but who knows what the future is holding for us.
Mr is coming to the end of his work contract, and it's up in the air if he's going to continue on with this venture. At least, that's what I've gathered.
We took a trip to Kelowna about 2 weeks ago, the first time back there for the family since the summer time. It was nice, as the kids had a need to see their other family members. They got their fix, us parents got ours.
I'm continually surprised at just how much more snow we get here than we did down there. Tons, and it seems to come at least once a week. The temperatures fluxuate, but it's never warm long enough to melt anything but the roads, as most snow piles here are as tall as the road signs they're piled against. I continually joke about throwing the kids in the back yard, and losing sight of them in the smow drifts cause it's so deep out back. I don't really, but you almost get that feeling. The first step off the back porch and you sink in past your knee.
D has been taking Cross Country Ski lessons for hs Gym class, and begins Downhill Ski lessons next week as another portion of the Phys Ed curriculum. There's a small ski hill in town that they'll be travelling to, and D is both excited and scared, as he's never done any skiing before. Mr has offered to go with him though, so should be alright.
I can hardly believe it's been almost a year in this town, and this job. Feels like we've been here a lot longer than that, and it feels like we just got here, at the same time.