Sunday, August 30, 2009

Farewell August

Whew, I dunno about you, but August was a rough month!
From what seemed like fiasco after fiasco, we're ending on a lighter note.
I'm employed, and do some training on Tuesday. I'll be working in a Native owned cafe here on my side of the bridge, about a 5 minute drive down the road. It's close to home, which is the best I could hope for.
After fielding a wave of questions about it, I've realized just how laid back I am about it. I don't know what position I'm filling, how many hours I'll be getting, or even at what rate I'll be getting paid. All I cared about was bearing the title of employee.
My mom and her S/O are out of town for a few days, leaving us to our devices. I've done nothing all day it seems. Feels good to not immediately need to clean behind my boys' tidal wave of disaster. A much needed break on both our ends, I suspect. My family can be quite a handful at times, and when we all get tired it has the potential to multiply exponentially.
Spent some time today giving myself a pedicure. Am thinking, if I'm going to be working with the public, I really need to take better care of myself and my appearance. My feet look lovely now, BTW.
Spent some time chatting with a friend of ours lastnight, who suffered a relapse in judgment this weekend. It's hard to watch friends do sad things, but it's worth it for me to have faith in them and their abilities to keep sound judgment. The main thing I hope he gained from our chatting was that we're always here for him, and that he can call us at any hour for help. I consider him something of a little brother, and I have no idea why he's so special to me, but he is, and I accept it.
I was pondering my relationship a bit more as well. My struggle continues to keep my relationship at the current level of trust, faith, and understanding with my Mr, though it's not quite as difficult as it was when I first arrived. I've never really been one to just follow lamely, cause a trail blazer was my calling card, but it's a bit weird knowing that I'm making a go of it when others failed. I'm still getting the "why do you do it" looks from family members I didn't expect it from. I'm also finding it easier to explain why things with us are done the way they are done and come out making sense, in my quirky way.
Mr's Immigration papers got sent out, and that front is taken care of. Next we need to file for MSP (medical service plan of BC/Universal Health Care) for me and the boys, and file for a Child Tax benefit which should really help me out for expenses where they are concerned, file for a passport for me so I can travel over the border and we can go as a family, as well as figure out which school we're sending D to. School here doesn't start until after the long weekend, thankfully. There is a church in town that does a program each year, just before school. A one day event, where they dole out free haircuts, clothing, and backpacks which are filled with school supplies. I totally forgot about the event, but they advertised they had some leftover backpacks, which I'm hoping to get my hands on one for D.
Seriously folks, we've hit dire straights. I can make the clothes for D, and actually don't mind doing it (until I get my first pay and then could buy an outfit or two), but I honestly don't have the funds for his supplies, or anything related. I feel horrible admitting that. It's not like my family won't help where they can (honestly, there's plenty of it), but that story is getting so old I'm getting to the point where I keep thinking "I'm just going to pawn/sell everything I own and be done with it". I've hit the extreme and am just fed up. I'm grateful there are so many free programs and help in the area that it keeps me from being too taxing on those I love.
I'm grateful right now, to have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a warm, safe place for my family to sleep every night. We're clean, healthy, clothed, and fed. Our basics are covered. I can't wait until it can get past that though.
I need to spend the next few days being creative in front of my sewing machine while I have the opportunity. Got a list of things I want to make, just gotta get the gumption to do it in one fell swoop.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm One Employed Gal

wahoo, I'm doing snoopy dances cause I got a job!!
I know it was cause you were all crossing your fingers for me ;o)
Thanks for pulling for me guys, I appreciate it!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins #139 we go!

1. *S*He was a maniac, MAAAAANIAC, on the floor!.

2. Fresh apples, warm days and cool nights is what I look forward to most this time of year.

3. My best friend is my Mr, cause no one else can stand me for extended periods of time.

4. You can always come to me, if you're looking for someone to be honest with you.

5. Appearances can be deceiving.

6. The last person I gave a hug to was my Mr.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hopefully getting a call telling me I have a job, tomorrow my plans include visiting the library and Sunday, I want to relax some!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Happy News

So, finally some happy news.
This past Wednesday we attended a movie in the park as a family (Mom, Mr, D, H & I). They kicked it off with a family entertainer who played guitar and got the audience involved. D was the second one up on the stage when he asked for some kids to come play instruments for him. Eventually we all got on the stage, as we are a very participating family. D even won a teddy bear for being the boogiest kid up there :o)I had a nice weekend, I suppose. After our return on Friday, we relaxed. Saturday I did nothing. I even took a nap with the boys. Relaxing. Recuperating.
Sunday, I woke up with zest, and spent the first half of the day cleaning, tidying, organizing, re-organizing, and paring down junk. Then my Aunt Mary called to say she was popping by. Not long after she got here, MIL arrived, and then my friend Harry called to ask if he could visit.
We wound up having a lovely dinner, and filled my mom's dining room table for the first time, with everyone sitting down to eat. Plenty of smiles, and camaraderie.Plus I got to hear about my MIL's story of a Car Salesman trying to pick her up. Yeah, the only visual I could glean from that was Bill Paxton in true Lies...LMAOThis morning, Mr and I attended a workshop to give us our certification to do forest fire-fighting. I am now a certified forest fire-fighter. Tomorrow I do another certification that'll enable me to be added to the list of growing First Nations Fire Fighters. I was the only female in today's class...made me feel so conspicuous. I was grateful for the opportunity though. The best part was that it was at no cost to me.
Still on the hunt for a job, and have found that a Serving It Right certification will cost me $35 online, and a FoodSafe Level 1 will cost me $125. Oh boy, I can hardly wait. I wonder when I'll be able to get my hands on those suckers, cause when I do it'll help open some doors and make it easier for me to get employed.
I return tomorrow for another class to get trained in Fire Entrapment Avoidance, a second level certification above what I received today.
I'm glad my community has resources like this. It's really helping to boost my confidence.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

My tummy hurts. Somehow, I ate a piece of fermented pear (I seriously thought it was pickled), and in the process gave a small piece to my poor little H. I can imagine we'll be clamoring for the bathroom tomorrow.
Went to take my Gramma to visit Grandpa in the hospital.
His update is that he's got a collapsed left lung, and they thinking he was coming down with pneumonia, but have since moved him from the "Step Down Unit" (aka, one step down from Intensive Care Unit), onto an actual ward for regular care. I'm hoping that means he's feeling a bit better. We're hoping he spends more time there as it's going to be difficult for Gramma to care for him on her own and get stuff done around the house. I'm hoping his family members pick up the slack, but hope can only go so far. Gramma was shaky about seeing him all banged up, but as it had been a few days, most swelling had gone down, and though I tried, I couldn't really see any stitches. I packed him a bag of toiletries & clothing and brought it when I brought Gramma to see him, and this evening when I was coming home I brought him a pair of old glasses that'll hafta do until he can replace his, which were broken in the crash. It really brings to mind just how fragile those I care about, really are.
I can't explain how I feel about all of this. Angry really sums it all up. The details are probably too personal to post, just suffice to say that there was no insurance, and the insurance has been hounding my Grandpa at the Hospital. Sad.
I keep thinking I'm not getting a whole lot done when I go out there, but I guess when you put it down on paper, the stuff I've been doing is the big jobs that really need it. Even been keeping Mr and the kids busy helping me out there. The kids are turning out to be good gardeners and it's surprising that they'll both eat any vegetable raw if they pick it themselves, and Mr is lending his muscle & mechanical experience. He's fixed their shower, stacked all of their wood, and combined three broken lawnmowers, into one operational lawn mower.
When I first got back and seen her garden I honestly couldn't tell the plants she planted from the weeds, nor could I tell any discernible rows. now that I've had two consecutive weeks out there I've managed to weed it properly, and get all of the stuff that needed to be picked out. Last week was beans, this week was potatoes. D had a fabulous time thinning out the carrots, and digging potatoes with me. He had more fun with the bugs than I did though, LOL.
It was kinda funny, each time Gramma would go and take a break and come back, she'd ask me "What are you cleaning now??" I figure I'll get that place shaped up bit by bit.
Trying to finish laundry now, gonna be a busy weekend.
MIL is coming to take care of the kids for us on Mon & Tues, as I've signed us up for a fire supression course. Should be interesting.
Remind me tomorrow to post the pictures of the fire I seen on my way outta town tonight.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I have compiled a list of things that I wanna do at my Gramma's...there simply wasn't enough time when I was there last. There probably won't be enough time this next time I go as well. Rather, it'll be forced to be something that I'm working on constantly.
We're headed up there again tomorrow, so that we may be home when my Grandpa gets there, and coming back here on Saturday eve.
I was hoping to find a Home Care Aide for Gramma, but the research I've done so far has lead me to believe that anyone I find will be insufficient and minuscule in their aide in comparason to myself. I'd love more than anything, to go up and take care of her myself. It would rock to be paid to be doing it, but I'd do it just as soon for free as for money.
Yes, I'd love to move up there, if it were just me. I have a family to consider though. Where will my kids go to school? How many friends can they make in a town with 350 ppl in it? How long can I expect their bus rides to school be? Where would I work? Where would I live?? Yes, I could move in with my Gramma, but then we'd (all four of us) be living out of one room, and her place constantly has visitors. Also, she'd eventually drive me insane.
Am considering asking her to move elsewhere with us. My next step would be trying to scrape the money together to get said place. I know it would be hard for her though...leaving her huge garden, and a place she's lived in for ages. I wouldn't ask her to go far though, just closer to civilization to be comfortable with kids, but far enough away for them to still consider it countryside.
I have to apply for MSP for the kids (Medical Services Plan of BC aka Universal Healthcare), though I'm not sure if they're eligible for another two months or so or not.
We've been discussing it, and still haven't figured out which school to send D to yet. Still need to figure out the enrollments of the two we've whittled it down to.
I remain unemployed. It's frustrating as fuck. Everything up here seems to require a certificate. To be a server/waitress you need a Superhost/Serving It Right certificate, to handle any food you need to have a FoodSafe, to do any home care you need a First Aide/CPR. All entry level positions in offices require certain programs that I have no idea about. I am experienced, I am smart, but I am un-certified.
The kids seem to have settled in, and know the lay of the land. They can tell me where we are going when I turn a certain direction, which is always entertaining.
I feel like a parasite. Feeding and sucking the life out of the family members I habitate with and am closest to. I suck their money, food, and gas dry. All because I don't have a job. It's humiliating, and humbling, and just down right not fair. It is not, though, unexpected.
I'm tired.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Drama That Never Ends

Well I was hoping for a relatively drama-free week. It didn't happen.
A week to the day that my Grandpa phoned us about Gramma, my Gramma phoned me to tell me my Grandpa is in the hospital. He was in an accident, requiring the jaw of life to pull him out. Click over to my mom's blog to read gory details if ya like.
I am seriously considering moving my family up there, as those two alone can't take full care of themselves, there's just too much for them to do.
My MIL was required to show up today to help with Mr's Immigration paperwork, as it needs to be done as soon as humanly possible.
We met with the Freedom head leader today, to discuss our involvement with the group. Something Mr found on a craigslist listing for groups. I have to admit the guy sounds like he's got my interests there, without me having to say anything at all, other than "Yes, I agree". Let's hope it doesn't turn out to be an occult. Let's hope the best nature of man comes out here.
I had to go to the ER lastnight. I was chasing D around the house teasing him about knocking him round with the vacuum hose. I was tapping it against my hand and caught a nerve on my ring finger. Consequently, I had a muffin looking finger that was turning gray. After two hours of trying to get my rings off, I finally called it quits and headed to the hospital for some help. The got me right in, and didn't even charge me for it. They didn't put me in a bed or anything, but just put me in a hall in a chair with other minor injury patients while they went in search of their ring cutters. It hurt like fuck, but I did a good job of not showing it to the gentlemen that I was surrounded by. My wedding bands are now just for show, and not able to go on my fingers until I have a job to repair them. My finger still hurts too, and is covered in a nasty purple/gray bruise.
Anyhow, just thought you'd want an update...gotta go make me some spaghetti now...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lets Keep It Slow

Busy busy busy. I'm hoping this week spares me the drama and goes smoothly for me.
Spent the last week with my Gramma, takin care of her. Yesterday my MIL came to visit, and we headed north to go and visit with the rest of the family. A Great Uncle of mine is getting re-married this fall, and he was introducing his fiance to the family this weekend. I had a lovely time...and since I've been lacking photos here, I'll show you the favs I have from this past week!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Well, I'm back, and exhausted. I tried my best to keep my Gramma off her feet and doing practically nothing. Do you know how hard that was? That was a chore in and of itself! Native women are stubborn, and independent, and persistent as all get out, and it gets worse with age.
I've spent the last few days cleaning her house, and working in her garden, and being her go-to girl. I rather enjoyed myself, as the boys of the house were rolling their eyes, wondering why the occasional cackle was coming from our direction.
When the lady folk in my family get together, we resemble a hen house. Cackling, giggling, snickering, smirking, and grins from ear to ear.
I am sore all over.
I wish I could have spent more time there, helping her take care of things. The menfolk over there would be helpless should they lose her, and I had plenty of time to ponder that while I was there.
My Gramma, by the way, is fine. Turns out she had a migraine headache for the first time ever, and didn't know what it was. As it was, 5 of her kids drove out to see her out of the hospital, and H & I drove up to her place to help her out a bit. I can only hope the stuff we accomplished there will be enough to tide her over so she can rest up a bit.
I'm tired and sore, I wonder if i can cajole my family into letting have a nap...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

headed out to go take my Gramma home from the h ospital, and to spend a few days taking car eof her. See you when I get back.

Phone Trees & Wakes

Thank goodness for you bloggers, or I'd be wearing a path in the carpet from pacing.
I'm glad you all have things that I can read to pass the time until we can get new word from the Dr's about my Gramma's condition.
It's been a long night, quite possibly carrying into a long day where I may just take up a family members offer and head to the hospital (two hours away) for the day.
As a bit of trivia, there's a show on the Outdoor Live Network here in BC called Mantracker. A few days ago they aired an episode from a place called Big White, which happens to be Kelowna's ski resort, and featured my neighbor as the local guide. Was loads of fun to watch, and I rather enjoyed voicing what I would do, given the situation, and viewing the outcome. It feels like a small world.
Wish I could post my regular weekly feature today, but as I'm involved in the goings-on with my family right now, I'm just not up to doing a post about my neighborhood. I'll catch up on my "This Is" soon, I swear.
The phone woke me up bright and early this morning, with a phone call from Japan. Mr was browsing vehicles online yesterday, and somehow managed to mistakenly click something and order himself a vehicle from Japan. Was an interesting phone call, and the least of my worries.
So, here I am, after 4 hours of rough sleep, catching up on reading my blogs, looking at the time every now and then, impatiently waiting for 8 am to arrive so we can phone the hospital to get the new word on my Gramma. Last we heard, they were admitting her overnight for observation. At the very least, the root of the problem could be that she just went through a week long wake (in the Native American culture, it's tradition to have a bonfire during the entire duration, from death to burial, and for people to stand vigil over it each night to ensure it doesn't go out) for her Sister-In-Law, and didn't weather the stress well. My Grandpa has lost a number of family members over the last couple of years, and it's really wearing her thin.
I'd be really happy if we could make it through just one week without incident, but as that's just not likely any time soon, I'd be happy to be able to not worry over something.
On the bright side, I managaed to give myself a pedicure lastnight while we awaited new word from Dr's, and called various family members. Did I ever mention that my Gramma's the first of 10 (only one of which has passed on), and that my Gramma went on to have 9 children (my mom being the oldest), and all of which are still living? I have a big family, by normal standards. That's not including the children that her sisters and brothers have, most of which we're fairly close to. Family get-togethers have to be decently planned for everyone to have accommodation, and the amount of food we need to prepare for such things.
When something major like this happens, it's kind of like activating a phone tree. We got the call from my Grandpa, and then we took care of the rest. We phoned someone, who then contacts the next, or the next two or three, and that way everyone gets word as soon as possible. They're all waiting on us to hear from the Dr's, so once we get said word, we'll be phoning them and so on. I'm glad to report that we have a decent phone plan, and that we can talk long distance as much as we like. There were times when phone lines weren't that convenient though. Thank heaven's for modern technology.
Ugh, time just seems to be creeping by...

Monday, August 10, 2009

We had the truck over at a mechanically inclined family members' house today, and got some diagnosis on our vehicle problems (as it's still not working properly). It's been a heckuva few weeks since we've arrived back in BC.
Got a phone call tonight from my Grandpa informing me that my Gramma is on her way to the Hospital (an hour long ride) in an ambulance, thinking that she's having a stroke.
Please keep her in your prayers.
I'll be headed her way as soon as I can finaggle it.

Friday, August 07, 2009

My mom's poor computer. Seriously...we've run out all of her disk space with my picture taking busy tonight cleaning them off and putting them on discs until I can get my own computer up and running.
Have been pondering the English language of late. A few days ago, D asked me "Mom, what does distinguished mean?" I told him it meant respectable. Then it kind of struck me as odd, that my 7 year old actually understood that concept.
Been taking the boys to the library to help pass the time. Got a library card, and it was mildly surprising that on their first trip they took out over 20 books for themselves. As I had to go pick up two Mr had on hold today, I decided to take the read ones back and get some more. Ha. We walked out of there with another 30 items in the bag. It sounds like a lot, but we do actually read them all. That kinda shocked me too. D reads a lot more than I give him credit for. H loves me reading to him, and reading to me, and reading to himself (my fav thing to watch...I should get a video of that).
We've been reading, playing video games, watching movies (mom has Twister on DVD a huge fav for us all, and we've watched it multiple times since we arrived), and walking around the block. It's amazing to see the similarities between my boys. When D was little, he would ride his bike (in his chosen outfit) up and down the road, and each time a car drove by he would stop and then wave and say Hi as they passed. People would always ask where he was if I was walking by myself. the neighborhood dogs love my boys, and they've been given free reign over the yards between our house and the end of the road. the kids regularly go and visit each dog on their trysts outside. The neighbors are just happy to have a peek at how much they've grown.
I attended the local baby group that I had left behind. I was pleasantly surprised to see the same folk running it, and the shocker for me, was when folks who had never met me said "Hey, you're the girl fromt he refrigerator!" when I left I had taken photos of us when we were canning and such, and had printed out hard copies for them. Well, the entire time I've been gone, they've been on the fridge at the Daycare where the group meets. I was embarassed to hear someone ask me "So, how does it feel to be a celebrity?" I must've turned a few shades of red, and got a good chuckle out of it all. I must've left as much of an impression on them, as they made on me. It was good to know.
Still working on looking for a job, went to the local Career Resource Center and made a few appointments for some help, and signed up for a few workshops. hoping I'll have a job by then, but it's a good idea to book them just in case.
Long days. The moos has been blood red the last few days, as the local Terrace Mountain Fire is expanding, and being stubborn to control. Smoky air makes it difficult to spend time outdoors, and we do take advantage when we've finally caught a few minutes of fresh winds. the boys have been making their presence known, and I'm all the more happy for it.

Friday Fill Ins #136 we go!

1. Going to the beach with my kidlets is my favorite summertime activity to do.

2. My favorite John Hughes movies is The Breakfast Club, of course.

3. My Mr's backside is something I love to touch.

4. The full moon looks so pretty with that star so close to it.

5. I have a Tim Horton's Large Double Double in my hand right now. *Heaven.*

6. When daylight fades I know it's bedtime for some certain little Mr.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching more movies with D, tomorrow my plans include visiting with ppl and Sunday, I want to find a fantastic job!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Thursday Thunks

1. What the hell were you thinking? I was concentrating on distracting the kids, and so, therefore, I wasn't paying close enough attention!

2. The tornado sirens go off in your neighborhood - what do you do? First, BC has NO tornado sirens...but, if I were in Ohio, I'd be headed to the basement with my kids and my purse. i always had a bin set aside for emergencies with the basics in it to sustain us if we were hit.

3. Give us a recipe. Cook plain macaroni noodles, slice up some block cheese, layer them in a baking dish, and cook in the oven until cheese is melted. Voila, Baked Macaroni & Cheese. Super yummy.

4. It's the middle of the night, there isnt a car in sight and you are stuck at a red light that just won't change.... how long do you wait until you run it? I back up and go over the sensor again, otherwise I find things to occupy myself with until the light actually does change. I don't run red lights.

5. When was the last time you got all dressed up fancy-like? Where did you go? Like fancy dress up, or fancy bar clothes?? LOL Dress up was Mr's Company Christmas Party in 2007, and I know I hit a bar with a few friends before we left Ohio, but it's not like I dolled myself up for it or anything. Who would I have to impress?

6. Have you ever had a mole removed? No, but I've often thought about getting the one on my wrist removed. I'd be more content with it if it were only centered. I usually wear jewelry to cover it up though.

7. Are you in an area of record highs or record lows for the temps this summer? Are you lucky and stuck in the middle where it's somewhat normal? We have record highs, and are in the middle of a drought/heat wave. I don't know if i would wish for different weather, but I'd sure wish the awful smoke out of the valley and the local fires to be put out.

8. When was the last time you changed your furnace filter? Couldn't tell you here. they vacuum theirs before to make them last longer and replace later.

9. What's your favorite type of frog? The little itty bitty ones that the kids and I find together.

10. If you were to go on America's Got Talent, what would you do for your talent? (and choosing not to go is not an option....) I've got many talents, though I'm not certain anyone would pay to see them. If they did pay to see my talents, I'm not certain Mr would want me doing it ;oD

11. Have you ever been on a rooftop of a building? Sure, in my youth. i'm not so fond of heights now.

12. What is the first website you go to each day when you sit down at your computer, other than your email? my blog, of course. I love to look at my blog, because it pleases me to see the aesthetics of it. Our homepage is though, if that counts.

Ugh, the circus continues. I've been trying to co-ordinate the goings on for Mr from here, by phone. I've been in regular contact with Mr, MIL, and my mom all morning. That makes at least one 5-10 minute phone call each hour for each of them. Not to mention the other folks I had to phone for help.
Seriously, what a wreck. The truck won't start (we're hoping, due to starter issues a $345 price tag), the battery has died (due to so much wishful thinking and attempts to get it going), and there's a nail in the left front tire Mr just found.
It's all being taken care of, but the shenanigans to get it done are just ludicrous. Call this person, ask for this, call that person, ask for that. A mind numbing mess, and if I were more tired than I am I'm sure I wouldn't be able to grasp any of it.
Hoping Mr will be back later this evening. He's planning on getting it fixed, then headed to a relatives house to get some rest before heading home. Apparently he never made it to said relatives last night, and slept (fitfully) in our truck. *sigh*
I spent my morning cleaning and on the phone. Put fresh bedding on the kids' beds, vacuumed, and am gonna stick something in the crock pot before taking the kids to the PlayPlace to burn of some energy.
It's still smokey as hell here, and the air quality really isn't all that great. Sad.
Deep breath in, long breath out. gotta keep my head here, and find something to occupy myself with.
There are just too many ponderables in this situation.


Ah, I get it now.
The moral of the story??
Things could always be worse. Be thankful for what you have at hand. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and my children are content to have settled down.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Oh The Drama

As if it couldn't get any worse, right?
Well, the drama of the day carried on.
Mr is stranded in Surrey (Vancouver), which is about a 5 hour drive away. To make matters worse, our neighbor is adamant about coming back tonight. First Mr phoned to ask if we could go and get the neighbor, and since we have no cash to speak of, I said it was out of the question. In our back and forthing, mom said she could hear said guy in the b/g streaming four letter words (who knows what it was directed at).
I feel like a small pile of shit.
We phoned everyone we know out that way (which is a lot because half of our family lives out there) and no one could do anything to help the situation, other than putting them up for the night.
I cruised on over to the neighbors to speak to his wife and to apologize for getting her husband mixed up in this, and was embarrassed to find she had a few ppl there who were aware of the situation, and offered to go and get her husband, declaring, "Well, I'm not just going to leave him stranded there like that!".
I feel like a piece of shit.
I came home and printed out a map for the folks to follow, packed a bag for Mr, and sent them on their way. Mr is staying the night with a relative, and is going to try and get the truck started tomorrow. No other game plan than that. We can't afford a tow to anyplace special, or the labor to fix it, or the money to get the part, or even the impound fee if it should come to that.
I am the biggest loser on the planet.
Mr and said neighbor witnessed a woman who's car stalled in traffic. They pushed her off the road with the help of another motorist. Other motorist tried to help Mr with the truck, and it still isn't starting. They figure it's the starter or solenoid. We originally thought it had to do with some sort of chip not correctly connecting. It's not. Bigger problem. More money, which we don't have.
I feel like a big piece of shit.
What is the lesson in all of this?? What is it that we are to learn from it? I'm an optimist, and I believe there is always something to gain from struggle, but WHAT THE FUCK AM I GAINING FROM THIS SHIT??
It's just not fair.
I think I'm going to slink away to a corner and cry now.

The Rich Drug

I wish I could sleep forever.
Sleep is my chosen escape, along with reading, or blogging.
More often than not these days I turn to blogging for my inspiration to drag myself out of bed and continue with the torture that is my life.
I am 27 years old. I still live with my parents, and those times that I haven't lived with them, has been totally supported by someone else.
My life it dependent on someone else for survival. While I'm glad I have this ability to find people to turn to for support, I find that I am resentful for not having my own back. I feel like I will always be looking for someone to lean on when times get tough...and I don't mean emotionally.
Mr had to drive to Vancouver today, and he gave me a call to tell me that the truck won't start, and he doesn't know anyone in that area who is mechanically inclined to help him out.
Seriously. We live by Murphy's law. If anything can go wrong for us, you can bet assuredly that it will. It was really only a matter of time before something went wrong with it, I mean, we saw a good deal and went with it. There's something wrong with a switch inside, and the engine isn't reading it when it's in park, and refuses to start for him. We have no money to fix it. Literally. I think I have a quarter and a few nickels and dimes that don't even equal to more than one dollar in my possession, and the kids are siphoning that off me quickly these days so they can play store.
I can't help him out, and I feel so useless sitting here at the computer. I mean, I'm sure he'll figure something out, as we do have a load of family members in the area, but the fact is that I can't just say "Just hit up an ATM and take care of it dear". Crying won't do me any good, cause it just doesn't solve anything. It would feel good though.
The immigration paperwork needs to be in by the end of the week to prevent the paperwork from expiring, and it's beyond me how we'll manage to get that paid.
I'm beginning to worry that we'll just have to suck it up and be separated. Really. If they need something, I want to be able to get it for them, not just say "Well, it'll have to wait right now" for something that costs less than $100.
I was never raised with money sense, and it showed when I got my first job. though I was paid well, my lack of sense really showed when I blew my money each paycheck, barely making it last until the next. Thus the beginning of my spending trend began.
Now, here I am, with two kids, no will, and no savings, and no college fund to speak of. I don't want them to see my bad money habits, and continue on this horrendous tradition.
I have been dwelling on the suckage of this past two month stint that I can hardly see the joy in my children. In fact, I can hardly see joy in anything. I feel dangerously sad on occasion, and it's alarming just how much of my time is spent just pondering the what can I do? I feel powerless, and small. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and completely useless to my family. Why is it our road to travel, with it being full of such monumentous challenges? I've never met anyone to date who's had the number of problems that we've had with Immigration. Not one. It's just not fair to always be the exception to each and every fucking rule out there. Some of it wasn't even our own doing. We're pretty damned good at screwing our own selves up without the help of the grand scheme stepping in to say "hey, I don't think you have enough to deal with, lemme add a heaping side of shit to the pile. Don't forget to chew well before swallowing or it'll come back up."
We haven't even started on our paperwork here and I already have no hope at all for that situation turning out.
I cook, I clean, I make sure the kids are looked after, and beyond that I'm useless. I'm not even putting effort into parenting. I suck that bad right now. Normally when I make a schedule I'm on it right away, making sure we get going...but I can't even bear to pull myself out of bed on time, much less make sure we have regular meal times. We do eat nice, healthful meals, but they're just not regular, and neither is anything else on the paper we wrote it on.
Is there a drug that can make me rich?

Monday, August 03, 2009

Strange days are here again.
It smoky, and smoggy in the valley. It's difficult for me to breathe out there, and so I have been inside as much as possible. It's been ashing, requiring us to frequently wash our vehicles. MIL came and spent the weekend with us, and we had a decent time. I was happy to create a few skirts for her with mom's serger, and it really made me realize just how much I miss mine. Alas, mine is still on the fritz.
My friend Tyler came into town yesterday to join us all at the beach. The water did a terrific job of keeping the smoke away, so it really was very nice there. The water was wonderfully warm, and I even did the whole shebang and did some swimming. I was mildly shocked at the distance between Tyler and his s/o's 9 year old son whom he had with him, and was curious whether or not it was a cultural thing, or not.
Got the interview for the job, went and thought I did all right, then bumped into my interviewer the next night, at the place of employment. Will assume now that lost me the job as the place I had applied at was the casino. Awkward. Embarrassing. I actually wasn't playing, I was there watching, as I do most nights. Stupid move on my part, guess I couldn'tve wanted it that bad.
Tomorrow Mr is headed to Vancouver for a Dr's visit with an Immigration approved Dr. A 10 hour round trip drive, not including food and restroom stops. I volunteered not to go, and keep the kids here with me instead. Had to find someone to go in my stead though, as Mr has a tendency to fall asleep at the wheel. A neighbor kindly volunteered, which was nice of him.
Tomorrow we will be headed to baby Group, one we frequented before we moved away. I'm looking forward to rekindling past relationships.
Am considering heading to my 10 year high school reunion. I am wary because I didn't grad from said high school, but instead dropped out from it. May be interesting, but I may wish to just let sleeping dogs lie.
Had a dream about cuddling into a friend of mine back in Ohio, and falling asleep while leaning against him. Strange. What does that mean, I wonder?
I will also be headed to a Career Resource center tomorrow, or maybe Wednesday as I won't have anyone to watch the kids while I do so. Gotta see if I can get some better job hunting skills, cause obviously the ones I have just aren't making the grade.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Ok folks, interview @ 3pm...glory, I hope I get the job. It's not as high paying as I'd like, or even a full-time, but part time...but any job is better than no job.