Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Oh, To Little Fort We Go

Went to Gramma's for the weekend. Was nice...coulda stayed one more day though.
Called Friday off cause wasn't feelin so hot, and attempted to take Niamh into town to meet Patricia (Danielle's g/f) so she could catch a ride home, but somehow had a miscommunication, and ended up missing her. So, Niamh stayed an extra night, and ended up tagging along with us on Saturday for our canoeing trip.
Canoeing was fun. Mom, Chance, Darius, Niamh and myself took a trip and canoed(sp?) around Knox Mountain with a couple of mom's co-workers. Apparently one of them owns a touring company that specializes in canoeing, and offered to bring anyone from the office & their families out for the day, so we hopped on the boat so to speak. Was lot's of fun, kinda reminds me of riding a bike, once you learn you never forget.
We left from here shortly after we got home, about 4/4:30. Got to gramma's kinda late, but was ok. Had a good evening. Bonfire, and movie.
Woke up the next morning kinda late, but got lunches packed. Chance, Travis, and Ralph were going on a hike up Mt. Baldy, since I told him he couldn't take the truck. Gramma, Darius, and I spent the day at Dunn Lake.
Whilst there after we got back, heard on the radio about a fire on "Kelowna's Westside". So, in a panic I called home, and since mom hadn't heard about it, she said she'd call me back with more info. What a relief to find that it wasn't near our home, but wow, what a scare!
So, we didn't really do a whole lot, cleaned the house a bit. Just the usual though, dishes, sweeping, tidying. Chance cleaned her bathroom, which was nice of him. I did a ton of laundry.
Was kinda nice, didn't do a whole helluva lot of anything yesterday, basically just lazed about the house. Was nice and quiet though, cause the guys kept going for walks and such. :o]
Gramma got stung by a dead bee yesterday, so she was rendered useless, leaving me to cook dinner for everyone, which wasn't too terrible.
Came home...I drove until Falkland, then passed it over to Chance. Darius fell asleep just outside of Kamloops. Got home late...and watched the news, and read Castanet. What a relief my family is safe. Just reading about that fire, n/m seeing pictures, almost brought me to tears.
another day at home...yay.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Up and Coming

So, we've had a Mommy/Darius trip this month, a family reunion, a Niamh vacation at our ho use, and are now preparing for a mummie birthday.
Busy month.
With all the driving, and work, and going's on I'm beginning to feel a little worn out, but I'm sure it's nothin a couple of good nights of sleep won't cure.
We've been playing games, and teaching Niamh how to cook, and just in general being busy like a family should be.
Had a blast the other night. Went out with my friend Laurie. Went to Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club, and had a really good night. Started off at her place, visiting with her daughter and man, and then went for a walk downtown, and grabbed a bite to eat, then comedy club, casino, nightclub, then back to the casino to meet back up with mom. Long day/night, but was really fun.
So, the month is flowing nicely.
I got a raise at work...a whoppin 50 cents, yay me!
Am pondering the working's of the world today...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Scathing Revelations...

You know, my heart always feels in the wrong.
Brand me with a scarlet guilty.
Concerning my truck, which my husband feels I've gotten over by now, I truly am guilty.
Of giving in.
For 2 and a half weeks my husband hounded me, relentless in his pursuit of trying to get it out of the shop. 2 1/2 weeks. I'm talking day-in, day-out assault on my heart, feelings, and mind.
Through-out this assault, which I could compare to a torture chamber, I came close to just walking away from everything I have.
Let's talk about stress, and the situations that cause it. Can you imagine, that everyday for 2 1/2 weeks you are being told how hard-headed and selfish YOU are being, how much of a pain in the ass you are being for reminding why we ended up here, and how you are lowering the quality of life for YOUR family?
I blame two people for this torture. My husband, and my mother-in-law.
I blame these two people because they both made me want to leave, and because they made me feel inferior, and because they made me feel inadequate.
Let me talk about why and how I got so angry about the situation in the first place.
When asked why my husband thought it would be ok to go away all day with the truck, and go mud-bogging, he replied "My mother knew where I was". Which for some unknown reason made this ok.
When asked why he wanted the truck out so bad, he replied "My mother and Don feel badly about it being in the shop because it was their idea to put it in there in the first place", and "What if there's an emergency and no one is here with a vehicle?"
In relation to these things I am "Stuck on myself", "inconveniencing everyone", "always negative" and that's just off the top of my head.
In relation, I called him a slefish son-of-a-bitch, a monumental asshole, fucking unbelievable piece of shit, and hmmm...I'm sure a few other things toppled in there. He's certainnly more educated than I am.
From the beginning, my husband has relied heavily on his parents, for a lot of things. Just as I rely on my mother for a roof over my head, and occaisional gas money, oh, and lets not forget the food in my belly.
Since we've gotten the truck back, my husband has let up on torturing me, and my mother-in-law has sent me and my mother flowers for a great visit.
Let's all sit back and watch what happens by August 23rd. The day Chance is supposed to have all money returned to my in-laws.
I would have been happy to have paid to get the truck out by next pay cheque, or even would have scraped it up from somewhere. But either way I would have taken care of it. There's no way I wouldn't have gotten it out for the family reunion.
Let's talk about violent behaviour. I don't like to go here unless severely pushed to this point, both times I have been pushed to this, I have to add, my mother-in-law has been involved in.
Now, let's talk about working together as a family.
In my family, if someone is having a dispute, everyone else keeps turns their heads the other way...everyone having understood the lifestyle of close living conditions. Opinions are not given unless asked.
But regardless of all of this, I am still guilty of being a bad wife, and wife who just can't understand, a wife who is too stuck on herself to try and think of where her husband is coming from. A bad wife for wanting nothing other than to hurt the person who just tore out her heart again by doing exactly what she asked him not to, and in front of her whole family to boot. A bad wife because she wouldn't forgive and forget like his mother did every time his father pulled a stunt like this. A bad wife because she glowered everytime he tried to brag about said specific incident.
Regardless of this, I am still a bad mother because my son needs a leash. I am still a bad mother because sometimes I wish to let others have fun with my child, and knowing this, I try to stay out of the way so they can have the full effect. I'm still a bad mother because I refused, for 2 1/2 weeks, to let my husband borrow money to get our truck back. I'm a bad mother because I choose not to diagnose my son with a disease that I have no knowledge of. I'm a bad mother because I don't get my son a regular haircut, and wouldn't mind giving it a shot myself.
Now, keep in mind, this is 2 1/2 weeks of being told these various things.
Now, with my depression problems, I'm amazed I survived. I wonder if god was testing me for a specific reason.
Out of all the hard work I've done for my family since the day we moved back to Canada, and all the hard work I know that I will continue to do, I know that it will never be enough.
I know I will never be able to give my husband everything he wants, or my son for that matter. I also know that I will never be able to afford all of the monetary things he could desire.
I will send my son to a decent school, I'll send him to the best my money can allow.
I'm not going to hold my breath and hope that my husband will be working anytime soon.
And in these reasons, I feel inferior. In these reasons I guilty.
In these reasons, I will never feel good enough for the family that I married into.
I have to wonder, if my son would do better in that family than I am now. I have to wonder if they would all be better off without me, because we certainly do not mix easily.