Monday, August 05, 2013

It's that time again.

I think, after a nice one year break, it's time to pick myself back up, and carry on.
I always say that "not a lot" has gone on, but it's always untrue. Life is busy, and that's the long and short of it.
After reading my last post, taking the time to update the theme & layout here, and deleting any spammers who've visited, I'm ready to continue where I left off.
I've had this blog for 9 years now. Amazing. I've always loved journaling, mainly because I want to ensure I remember what happens in the course of my life, otherwise (and this is a symptom of my childhood) I forget.
So, it's mid-summer here, and we're living back in Clearwater. I'm growing a garden, and staying at home with the kids. I'm finding that I love, more and more, being  mom. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed it. I appreciate the little things, but enjoying things for what they are is a different story.
While I'm no longer disappointed with my plans from last year around this time, i"m trying to work on what I'd like for my future. I turn 32 this year.  Older than I ever thought I'd get...though I'm saying that more so now because I'm past 30.
D, my oldest, is 11 year old this year. That was a breakthrough year for me, when things really started taking a turn for the worse. The age I started smoking, the age I started noticing boys, and the age I knew I didn't want my life that way but felt helpless to stop it. I hadn't come out of my shell yet, or acknowledged that I was anything but ugly, and was hideously self-conscious of everything I did.
I think having children of my own, watching them grow, and seeing their own behavior at each age has really help me to overcome my own thoughts about  how I grew up. I've discussed some of these thoughts with friends, and my Mr, but I really have so much in my head about it, I'm unsure I'll ever discuss all of it fully.
My latest hobby is building. I've started a pallet collection and have been building whatever tickles my fancy. It's enjoyable, and physical, and my kids enjoy helping me with this. I'm gardening. A new venture for me, with us being chronic renters. I've put my foot down and explained that since this is an avenue I want to explore, we're not moving for at least another year. This gives me time to watch the garden grow, discover planting and weeding, annuals and perennials, and how to care for plants in general. It's been wonderful. I've really taken to spending quiet mornings alone in my garden.  Both ventures are helping me renew the confidence I once had in myself, and subsequently lost following my break down.  I knew, when I had my breakdown, that since it had taken years for it to happen, it would probably take years to gain it back. I'm grateful I'm a patient person.