Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Grown Up

It's been so long since I've even thought about my blog, I had to do an account recovery just to log in!
It's nice to know that Blogger is now under Google, and that I'll be able to access it from my Galaxy Note smartphone. I guess, once I figure out the workings behind it, I'll be able to blog more. For the past few years I've turned to Facebook to do my blogging for me. While I keep it to mainly random thoughts that float through my head, and moments that I notice that make me happy through the day, I definitely miss the ability to share a whole concept with my fellow bloggers. I haven't journaled or blogged in so long, it's like I've lost a good friend.
So, it's nearing my next birthday. 33. My oldest is now 12, my youngest is 8. They give me joy and drive me insane all in one day. I'm grateful that I can still see their innocence, that they still call me mommy, and that they are children. At those ages I wasn't, still a child. I was some sort of freak hybrid. I feel sad, when I realize that my childhood wasn't what I thought it was. Reflection tends to do that to me. But, it also makes me fight harder for the things I know that my children SHOULD have. Not like I'm a parenting expert, but more like I know exactly what I don't want for them, and I work my way backwards from there.
My children know that I love them, that I'm here for them if they need me, and that they can trust me. I don't expect them to respect me, or follow in my fact I'd be aghast if they did. What I expect is that they do everything that makes THEM happy. I won't define that for them. It's wonderful that they are their own beings with their own opinions, sense of humor, perceptions, morals and values. I swell with pride when I hear how honest my children are, or how they don't follow the pack, or the empathy they've shown others.
What leaves me in awe, everyday, is that these little people have come from me. What gives me hope for any future that may be, is that they will be there, leaving their own mark on the world, however they choose. They know their own value. They're strong, and willfull, and wonderfully independent.
And in seeing this every day I'm with them, makes me realize what a successful parent I am.
I've never expected to be a success. Not at anything worth praising, anyways. It surprises me.
There was a Teacher's Strike, here in BC, over the last few months, that had the kids leaving school early for summer break, and going back late for a new year. I chose to keep my summer as open as possible. Not plans, no garden, no traveling. I wanted the boys to lead me in what they wanted to do with our time. Consequently, we spent nearly every waking hour at the beach. I began to wonder if they were growing gills. They were happy.
We fought, we argued, we laughed, we giggled, and we wondered with one another. My kids could read my moods just by my body language, and tuned in to the feelings that I had every day. I learned that they have sporadic minds that jump from subject to subject all day. How this doesn't exhaust them, I'll never know.
2014 has been a pretty rough year. It seems that every other year is like that, for us. We moved, our family grew, we got new things for our family to enjoy, and we lost a friend. Life changes, and it does so quicker than anyone would like it to. There were a few times during the year that I thought to myself  "I can't do this", "I can't survive if life is going to continue like this". Hence the relaxing summer. By the time summer arrived, I needed a break. We all did. The stress from the beginning months of 2014 left us all haggard and slow, and we've only just caught out breath.
I'm continually surprised at those moments, where I feel weak, and brittle. Somehow, there's a voice that says to me, "Breathe, and take another step". Before I know it, I'm looking back on the shitty thing that just happened and I'm wondering how the hell I made it out the other side.  Considering I was suicidal a couple of years ago, it's amazing to me that I've found that strength that I turned away from, and I welcome it in the times that I find it hardest to move.
My coping mechanisms aren't where they "should" be, but I'm content with them as they are. I have a tendency to stuff it away for later reflection. That happened from having the kids around me night and day for so long. But the later reflection is savory. It's delicious, in it's own right. And while I don't prefer negative or positive feelings, I'm learning to accept them just as they are. Both can be turned into the other with perception.
So, with all that being said...I turn 33 in less that a month. I finally feel like a grown up, but I keep the innocence I've built up over time close to my heart, because I've entered a time where the more I give of myself, the more comes right back at me.
The many years I've spent looking for myself, trying on each personality like I'm looking for a good shoe, has left me with the comfortable knowledge that I know who I am. I like who I am. And that's not about to change any time soon, While I'm not always happy, I'm ok with whatever comes along, and I am certain that when it does hit, it's not going to be forever. That's a helluva lotta progress. More than I ever dared to dream of, once. And...well, damn. I'm pretty fucking proud of it.