Thursday, October 02, 2014

A Project in the Works

  Yesterday was tough.
  I've been sitting on a project for months now, and with December approaching faster than I'd like it to, I figured it was time to get it started.
  Back in April, we had started adjusting to living in our new home, the kids were enjoying having animals around, and I was enjoying a bit of a break from moving. It was Easter, and I was taking the kids to an Egg Hunt at the local Fire Department. My friend texted me, asking me if I could pick her up, and I missed seeing it before I went. I gave her a lift home, instead. Her vehicle was out of comission, as her ex was unstable and had done his best to damage it. That was the last time I saw her. The next day I texted her, asking if she wanted to go adventuring with me, for a drive in the back roads. I wound up convincing my Mr to accompany me with the kids instead. She was murdered that day.
  In the aftermath, I think everything moved quickly. It's a bit of a jumble, but I made certain I kept a journal next to me so I could record what was going on, because I knew at some point it would all seem like a fog for me. I did the best I could, and tucked all the overwhelming thoughts away, for future mourning. At the time, I was babysitting a number of kids, and I needed to be able to function. After her funeral service, I managed to pull aside a family member, and mumble out an offer to make a quilt from her clothing to her family members. They gladly agreed, and made arrangements to get me her clothing.
  I've had her clothing in bags in my storage room since Easter. I've pulled them out a few times, gone through, took a look at what I would be working with, but haven't been able to bring myself to cut them. I struggled with sorting them out each time I've had the bags out. Each time, I find myself lost in conversations we had, memories of our times together, crying and thoughts of what she'd be doing today, if she were still here.
  Christmas is coming, and I'd like for her children to have the quilts by then. So, I sent out a message to those who were closest to her, asking them for their help. Only one person came to help. So, we spent the day piecing out her clothing, and cutting it into squares. By the time the friend left, I couldn't keep it together anymore, and my children were due to arrive home. So, I took a few minutes for myself, and gathered myself up. I didn't think I could face another day of cutting, it was hard enough facing her clothing yesterday. So, with a few extra hugs from the kids, I kept going until I thought I had enough for the quilts I was building, and headed to bed.
  I woke this morning, thinking, God, I need to smile. So, I spent my morning surfing pointless sites with happy gifs and pictures, until my tummy hurt from laughing so much.
I reflect on the whole experience occasionally, but more so, now that the kids are back in school. There's so much to process from that time frame that it could, quite literally, take me years to figure it all out, and piece together my reactions and feelings. It's something I know will profoundly affect the way I look at things, and the way I approach certain situations. This sort of processing only takes time. And sometimes it's hard to find, time.
  So, another step of many for this project has been completed. Now to take a break before I can begin working on the next.