Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The Rich Drug

I wish I could sleep forever.
Sleep is my chosen escape, along with reading, or blogging.
More often than not these days I turn to blogging for my inspiration to drag myself out of bed and continue with the torture that is my life.
I am 27 years old. I still live with my parents, and those times that I haven't lived with them, has been totally supported by someone else.
My life it dependent on someone else for survival. While I'm glad I have this ability to find people to turn to for support, I find that I am resentful for not having my own back. I feel like I will always be looking for someone to lean on when times get tough...and I don't mean emotionally.
Mr had to drive to Vancouver today, and he gave me a call to tell me that the truck won't start, and he doesn't know anyone in that area who is mechanically inclined to help him out.
Seriously. We live by Murphy's law. If anything can go wrong for us, you can bet assuredly that it will. It was really only a matter of time before something went wrong with it, I mean, we saw a good deal and went with it. There's something wrong with a switch inside, and the engine isn't reading it when it's in park, and refuses to start for him. We have no money to fix it. Literally. I think I have a quarter and a few nickels and dimes that don't even equal to more than one dollar in my possession, and the kids are siphoning that off me quickly these days so they can play store.
I can't help him out, and I feel so useless sitting here at the computer. I mean, I'm sure he'll figure something out, as we do have a load of family members in the area, but the fact is that I can't just say "Just hit up an ATM and take care of it dear". Crying won't do me any good, cause it just doesn't solve anything. It would feel good though.
The immigration paperwork needs to be in by the end of the week to prevent the paperwork from expiring, and it's beyond me how we'll manage to get that paid.
I'm beginning to worry that we'll just have to suck it up and be separated. Really. If they need something, I want to be able to get it for them, not just say "Well, it'll have to wait right now" for something that costs less than $100.
I was never raised with money sense, and it showed when I got my first job. though I was paid well, my lack of sense really showed when I blew my money each paycheck, barely making it last until the next. Thus the beginning of my spending trend began.
Now, here I am, with two kids, no will, and no savings, and no college fund to speak of. I don't want them to see my bad money habits, and continue on this horrendous tradition.
I have been dwelling on the suckage of this past two month stint that I can hardly see the joy in my children. In fact, I can hardly see joy in anything. I feel dangerously sad on occasion, and it's alarming just how much of my time is spent just pondering the what can I do? I feel powerless, and small. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and completely useless to my family. Why is it our road to travel, with it being full of such monumentous challenges? I've never met anyone to date who's had the number of problems that we've had with Immigration. Not one. It's just not fair to always be the exception to each and every fucking rule out there. Some of it wasn't even our own doing. We're pretty damned good at screwing our own selves up without the help of the grand scheme stepping in to say "hey, I don't think you have enough to deal with, lemme add a heaping side of shit to the pile. Don't forget to chew well before swallowing or it'll come back up."
We haven't even started on our paperwork here and I already have no hope at all for that situation turning out.
I cook, I clean, I make sure the kids are looked after, and beyond that I'm useless. I'm not even putting effort into parenting. I suck that bad right now. Normally when I make a schedule I'm on it right away, making sure we get going...but I can't even bear to pull myself out of bed on time, much less make sure we have regular meal times. We do eat nice, healthful meals, but they're just not regular, and neither is anything else on the paper we wrote it on.
Is there a drug that can make me rich?

5 thoughtful remarks:

Lois Lane said...

If you find it, let me know...Ok? Hell, I'll be happy with a "make ends meet comfortably" drug.

Not to suggest something *ahem illegal*, but if you can't push the immigration paperwork through, why doesn't he just stay and assume a 'Mr. Mom" kinda role and you go and get a job.

Even if you get a low-paying job that you have to bust your ass for little cash, little is better than nothing. Then you can stash enough away to re-apply for immigration and let the Mr. go to work again.

Janet said...

I'm sorry you feel so probably doesn't help you to point things out from a positive perspective, so I'll refrain.

only a movie said...

Very sorry you are going through such a tough time right now, Amber. Hang in there. Hug your kids. It will get better. I like Lois' idea too.

Ama said...

I'm feeling your pain and anguish. We need to not let it get us discouraged though. Focus on what you CAN do right now. The little successes give us the stamina to work at the more difficult tasks. HUGS.

Nietha said... makes me feel better when I feel like crap. and