Monday, July 06, 2009

It Can't Be Time Already...

Oh my god I'm being swallowed by anxiety. I'm having a hard time keeping one straight thought, even finishing a sentence without forgetting what it was thinking.
My stomach has that nervous lump that's just sitting there nearly making me feel ill. There's so much running through my mind I don't know where to start, which is a first.
Jesus...I'm moving home.
We went out yesterday, to visit ppl we wouldn't be seeing again for a long while. Started with Grandpa, visited his house for just over 2 hours. I couldn't say goodbye, I gave him a hug and got in the car. I was bawling like a baby and I didn't want him to know (he's blind, so he can't see me crying, but he might have heard me...). I'm grateful the kids were busy with their various games in the car, and had no clue what I was doing in the front seat. Either I sounded like my allergies or some sort of heaving Camel, either way they didn't ask me what I was doing.
On to an old friend of Mr's house, where we spent a fair chunk of time. The kids had a blast, romping in his huge backyard with his dog, playing on his deck with his cat, playing with the hose, and just being boys exploring. Had to put them in the spare clothes byt he time we were ready to go cause they were drenched, but happy.
I am so not good at goodbyes.
Said goodbye to my girlfriend on Saturday...had to try really hard to not cry. Seriously, it's like my heat is just screaming at me, WTF are you doing?? I hate it here, really, but I'm so sad to be moving.
Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I'm swallowed by fear, and nostalgia, and anxiety. We get our moving truck today. Mr & his friend will be packing it, while I stay inside and do some sewing and play with the kids.
We leave tomorrow morning. Fuck. I get all clammy whenever that thought proccesses.
I hate saying goodbye.

5 thoughtful remarks:

Kitten said...

I hate goodbyes, too. I am horrid at saying goodbye; it just seems so final. It's much easier for me to walk away without saying a word. Impersonal and rude, likely, but much easier for me to deal with mentally.

Aimie said...

Your right goodbyes are horrible. So sorry your day is crappy. Maybe at least the move will be smooth.

Good luck tomorrow. :)

Hepburn Hilton said...

Good luck tomorrow! At least you won't be that fare away, and it' so much easier to keep intouvh these days witb fb, e-mail, skype. I miss my american friends so much, and it's so far from Norway. That's is the shitty part of leaving. At least, now that part is behind you and the good part ahead!!!

Ragtop Day said...

I'm sorry you're hurting - I hate goodbyes too! Like Kitten, I'd much prefer to just walk away. I did a move very similar to the one you're doing about 4 years ago. I couldn't wait to go, until it was actually time to leave, and I was overcome with grief and the ultimate realization that I HAD made connections and there was a lot I was going to miss. And we have been back to visit many times since!

Amarie said...

Have a safe, safe trip, Amber. Hope to see you back soon :-).