Saturday, August 02, 2008

Patterns and Decisions

I find that I have this pattern, (I've noticed a lot of patterns in my life...besides the point) when I get stressed. I can manage the stress on the outside, and considerably manage it on the inside with breathing and relaxing and what-not. Eventually though, if the stressor doesn't seem to go away or fix itself it begins to manifest itself in my body.
I've been getting massive headaches for the last week. Ever since I went to the attourney's office last, I've been getting them. I haven't felt all that stressed...yes, something needs to be done about it and yadah yadah, but I don't let it bother me so much because I know things will work out in the end the way they were meant to.
Anyways, head aches that aren't there in the morning, but are building steadily all afternoon and evening until I can't take it anymore and it has the ability to keep me awake because it just hurts so much. I can feel the tension in my shoulders and neck and eyes and face.
I know sunglasses would help because we spend so much time outside I know I must be squinting a lot cause it's so bright and I'm not yet accustomed to the daylight without my trusty sunglasses.
Anyways, last night another one popped up, and I had a horrible bout of despair that lasted about an hour but really seemed to exhaust me. I decided to buy the cheapest bottle of liquor from the store and have a drink to take the edge off. It took a couple of drinks but the headache finally let go and I could feel my body starting to relax. Gosh. With the help of a couple of friends I finished the bottle off, but with loads (I'm talking 6 or 7 red containers full, this drink bottle I have that holds 3 cups of water) of water and lots of chatting in between.
I went to bed at 5:30 this morning, and got up at 10:30 and I can still feel the echos of how tense I was yesterday in my shoulder and neck muscles. They're still sore from it, but I'm really making a conscious effort to relax those muscles whenever I feel them throbbing.
Anyways...patterns. Stress, body internalizing, and drinking. My pattern. Hmm...
I wonder if that's why I dropped the 5 lbs or if it was truly due to the extra walking and such that I do with the kids...I'll not figure that one out.

In any update on the INS issue, my attourney is pushing for me to apply for status either through my mother (as the law that was passed last year can allow me to) before she finds out whether she even qualifies for Status or not, or hunt down my father (IF we can find him, and IF he agrees to a paternity test) and apply for Status through him. Otherwise if they file paperwork for me as an Adjustment of Status, it could turn out that they will rule that I'm here unlawfully (I'm an illegal alien *gasp*), and could result in the banning of the USA for me.
The two main problems being, it takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R for Indian Status to be awarded IF I can qualify through my mom (which is my first choice for application), and god only knows how long it would take to find (IF) my father and get him to agree to accept me as being his daughter and let me claim Indian Status through him. Also if we managed to have to move back to Canada, we'd have some difficulties because Chance didn't tell the Canadian Immigration we were leaving and could possibly have been considered to abandon his filings (which had actually just gone through when we left), IF they let him back in, he'd have to begin his paperwork all over again, at his own expense.
Now, my main stressor here is not only does the decision seem to fall on my actions, but the thought of having to contact the sperm donor who created me brings me a terrible sense of panic.
I base my life and who I am on where I belong, and who I regularly have in my life and how they've affected me. I believe strongly that our experiences make us who we are. Now, I've been taking my time working through the events of last year, trying to figure out how that makes me a newer and different person, and how it relates to me. I haven't quite worked my way completely through it yet, and still consider myself deeply wounded because it plays such a huge role in how I act each and everyday...I mean who wouldn't still be affected, right? But, anyways, I haven't figured myself out from that, the LAST thing I need is to throw myself into a new crisis in which I need to redefine who I am by bringing in some guy who helped to create me (not to mention the family he may have) into the picture. I can honestly say right now that one personal crisis at a time is all I can handle.
Yes, life goes on whether I want it to or not, but I make the choice as to how much I can let myself go through. That is my line, my limit and I will refuse to put myself through it, even if it means having to turn tail.
My stressors with that is that I have that wonderful guilt, in all, I don't feel so bad about the situation facing us, but about the decisions that I need to make to help them along a little better. I have stated my options and my last resort at which I draw my line. I wonder how much those boundaries will be pushed or tested? I don't know how it will turn out, but I'm comfortable with the knowledge that I know where I stand, I just can't let myself get so worked up about it when I feel the extra tension.
I love my life, regardless of which country it's in. I make the best of it in either place, and have always made sure not to make myself a target in any undue thoughts about how I behave. I can honestly say I've made a fair go of it here, and if we chose to move back (if we can) to BC...
A) we wouldn't be moving back to Kelowna, it would be some other place that's cheaper, and closer to the woods/mountains so Chance could pick up jobs in the bush as he wants.
B) Chance has openly admitted to being more unhappy with himself than with BC and it's ppl that we love so dearly, and is willing to give it an honest try to make a life for us there if that is what we go with.
The positive from all of this is that Chance has stated that he will support me either way, and holds no qualms , but eventually he would like to return to the western mountains.
I guess it makes it easier to go through everyday knowing that my husband won't hold any decision I make against me for whatever reason I have made up in my head.
But a patterns seems to be evolving here as well with our big decision making, and it's kind of holding me back, I don't want to do anything in haste as that always seems to land us in hot water and requires some family member to fish us out again. Eventually those fishers won't be there for us, and I can't afford for them to be lost on us when we actually really need them.

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