Monday, October 01, 2007

I'm so annoyed.
I realize Chance is giddy from excitment that he's finally winning, but if he's gonna go through with this he's supposed to make sure everything is done, not tick off.
Once again he's out saying good-bye to his countless friends (and yes this sounds bitter for a reason) when there's things to do here.
I find it really annoying, that I've only gona out once for a good-bye session, and that's all I get.
I admit, I could've gotten more, but I know darned well that if I were to go and say good-bye to anyone they're ALL going to tell me what an idiot I am (though I agree) for making this move. The last thing I want is to know just what I stupid decision I'm making for the sake of easiness.
I don't want to move, but the only other choice is seperation, and even if we were to seperate I know darned well Chance would not want to be overly far from his kids, which would ensue a visitation rights battle, an angry someone pointing fingers at me cause I threw a wrench in all his perfect plans.
I'm taking the easy way, I admit it. I feel defeated because I just don't have the energy to fight anything back, no energy to see myself as really worth sticking up for. I feel poisoned because I know once I get down there I'm going to have to put forth an "honest effort" (even though he never did me that glory) to "try" and make it work, even though it's never really worked from the beginning. I have to give everything just so I can turn and walk away...and feel justified in doing so.
I hate myself for moving, I despise the person I see in the mirror because she's weak, and stupid and taking the easy way. I despise the person in the mirror because despite all better judgement I'm just saying ok, you take my life if you want it.
I'm tired, I'm exhausted...and the only thing I have to look foreward to is holding a new baby girl when she gets here.
I'm taking my sons away from culture, from the beauty of the mountains, from everything I love about my life...for what? For the word that someday life will get better.
Suck it up, and move on so other people can enjoy what I've created.
I'll get hand-me downs, and no choices in which colour is which, and the kids will go to whatever school is convenient, and they'll learn that money is everything if they ever want to be ANYthing.
I feel like I'm nothing...I feel little and worthless, and useless. I feel like even if I stayed it would be the same. I'd feel out of place, and afraid and alone. I'd feel just as lost as I feel now, because whatever was there of myself got sucked up when I found out my best friend wasn't really my best friend, and neither was my husband.
I feel empty and hollow because I'm too afraid to look inside and face myself. I want to be sucked into this hole of emptiness because it's easier.
I'm taking the easy way, and that's the bottom line.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Anonymous said...

Just read your blog - brought tears to my eyes knowing of all that you are going through! I truely hope that things go better for you all with the move. Please let us know if you need anything!
What is this about a baby girl???
Wishing you all the best!