Hurry Up & Wait

Well, we are now living in Salmon Arm. What a month it's been. Busy busy busy, and seriously felt like there weren't enough hours in the day.
We're moved & settled, and both boys are in school. I didn't do anything but well up when we took H to Kindergarten for the first time. They've adjusted well enough, in the school of 74 students that we've enrolled them in.
I've somehow managed to be the first with a cold this year...or maybe it's a sinus infection.

D's goldfish Goldie died earlier this week, after a run of two years with him. He was replaced with a Teddy Bear Hamster, named Peachie.

I've filed for EI, and received all neccesary documentation to not have to work for the next three months. A relief to me, because I still don't feel ready to work.

I'm plagued by constant nightmares, flashbacks, and uncomfortable questions. I have been suffering from sleep disruptance, constant waking & sudden starts.

After many attempts to get myself services, I'm still awaiting call backs. Ahh, this song & dance again.

I hurried up and now I'm waiting.

Ain't No Stoppin Me Now

Wow.

Time is just flying by. I feel like I was just complaining about August being here already, and now it's September and school's back in!

From the Clearwater to the North Okanagan, to Omak, Washington, I've been all over the place in one month. Feels like just as my feet touch ground in a new place I'm off and running again.

So many trips and zips out, here and there, that I've been living out of a suitcase for a while now.

I helped the boys pick out a place to live in Salmon Arm, discovered the job market and foot-ins up there. I visited with genuine people in Clearwater, and they reminded me how pleasant it is to be around those who ask nothing of you, yet give everything in return. I've spent time with my family, mourning, celebrating, and enjoying what life is offering us this summer. Overall, regardless of how busy it's been, I feel better than I have in months...and terrible at the same time.

When I used there was a terrible incident, and since then, it's been haunting me. Other than the occasional craving and withdwarl symptom, I am fighting off flashbacks of things that I had originally forgotten about. It's like remembering my childhood all over again.

I'm pretty good at self-destruction. A knack, a habit, a hobby, a talent, or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it's a gift, maybe it's a curse. Who knows...All I know, is that through some deep moments of self-reflection since I used, I've discovered a will to live.

For whatever reason, I left that house, that grasp, and walked as far as I could and called someone for help. I managed to leave it behind, and because of this, I'm still here.

I've got to try and believe it was for a reason, but I'm so dumbfounded about the fact that I got up in the first place, that I'm actually not worried about that quite yet.

I still feel lost, but I'm thinking it's time to stop hiding from life, and just get a move on and keep truckin' my way through it, cause regardless of what I do, it's not slowing down at all.

Considering

So many things are changing here. I always wish, when change is imminent, that things would slow down so that I'd have time to proccess it.

I'm definitely one of those people who likes to take their time. I'm a cautious kind of gal. The type who watched, ponders & proccesses, and acts only after making a decision. I have no issue picturing the consequences of my actions, and those of others.

I'm currently doing research with Mr on their new chosen town, researching schools, Dr's, recreation opportunities, employment opportunities, PAC's. Lots of stuff to look at.
It's inetersting, because I think this is the first time I've ever put so much effort into a move, and it's actually leaving me feeling very positive.

H goes into the dentist today for a consultation. Tomorrow he will go in, be put under (ugh, I HATE that) and then have four fillings/caps done. D is due for another check-up. Oi, so much to catch up on from the summer.

For now, I'm just enjoying the randomness my children inject into the day, and the laughter I often feel building up inside of myself.

And Then...

I'm exhausted. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

It didn't take much...just another family member passing away, a family that's up in the air, moving my family, and a situation that required me to remove my family from home for about a week or so. I've been on the road, back home, cleaning & tidying, oraganizing what little we kept out of storage for the family, and spending (what feels like) an immense amount of time with my family.
While the majority of the issues that were prioritized as first have now passed us by, we're still looking forward to a 50th Birthday Bash for my mummie, and back-to-school for the kids. During such time we'll be finding the home the boys had wanted and moving them in.

I've been tagging along with family here there and everywhere, and kind of feel like a third wheel, because I keep thinking to myself "I really wish I could just nap in a quiet room".

Our house A/C unit broke during the only warm spell we've had all summer, our house is overflowing with people, have been having plumbing issues due to some strange material being flushed that really has no place there, and are having issues keeping our fridge/pantry stocked because the kids keep rooting whenever they feel peckish.

We've attended a funeral (the kids did great BTW), visited beaches galore, 4x4-ed, hiked, swam, gamed all night, gone to bed early, watched movies til the wee hours of the morn, and ate our way through the Midnight Munchies.

I've seen hide nor hair of any of my friends since before my last post, because I've been consumed.

I got a new tattoo (a Spotted Eagle feather on my neck ---->)and I've upgraded my phone to a Blackberry (with a 3yr contract renewel *rolls eyes*). My old phone was 2 years old, and starting to act funny whenever I asked it to work for me.

I've been enjoying playing with the different features on it, and discovering what I've been missing out on (though I can't see much difference).

My kids are happy and romping round, bouncing from home tohome with the understanding that they're free to roam and play at will.

Stress always feels on the horizon, as I've been conversing a bit with Mr. It's difficult to put my feelings aside sometimes, to reach the issue at hand. It's difficult to hold on to what I've discovered about myself since I've left, and that scares me. I'm at risk of being swallowed whole and being lost without any way to find my way back.

I, quite honestly, have not been alone in a while. Well, that's a lite, I drove north to grab my Gramma for the funeral all by myself...

Anyhow, I'm alive, overwhelmed, busy as all get out, and ready.

For Now

What a week.

Made arrangements to come up and help Mr & boys move their way down to the Okanagan region, had to catch Greyhound up, and drive the truck back. Spent today loading up the moving truck, and cleaning the house behind them.

Wednesday a family member passed away somewhat unexpectedly. Am sad and disappointed. Full of thoughts of person and memories that I have.

My therapy session went very well this week, as I was full of positive, assertive thoughts of how my next few years are to be structured. from Parasailing to schooling to a possible move from to the Island for myself. Was interesting to see it all written down in a timeline frame and realize that my random thoughts really aren't so random after all.

I may not be perfect, I make mistakes, and can be silly, but I'm comfortable with who I am. Right now, in this moment, I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm quirky, honest, inquisitive, sensitive and genuine. I'm a listener, I'm generous, and I'm helpful. I like me right now. I'm not making excuses for my personality, or apologizing for saying the wrong thing, or blushing from embaressing myself as I so often feel the need to when I'm in Mr's presence.

I've come to the realization that I've been supressing the genuine aspect of my personality for so long that I've been making myself incredibly unhappy and angry because of it.

I'm not afraid to say what I want to say, I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, I like the way dress and the way I look, and I truly enjoy smiling.

So, tomorrow, we're driving back down, and today is the last day they are in Clearwater. I'm comfortable not going and saying good-bye to those that I believe are Mr's friends.

Red Dwarf

Ok, I've finished Prison Break, and was disappointed by the end, but oh well.
I've moved on to Red Dwarf, and am SO happy that there's something that I love available. I usually only watch it when PBS shows it on one of those money raising things.
Smeg...just thinking of Smeg makes me giggle.
I've been spending time at the beach, and am getting a crazy tan. I can't remember the last time I actually had a tan.
I'm going up to Clearwater on Thursday, to help Mr & family move down to the Okanagan. It`s crazy complicated how it all worked out, but I`m hoping for a smooth transition for them.
Ive given up the A&D person, as I said I didn`t care for his level of professionalism.
Still attaempting to set up follow up appointments with other agencies...still getting a clsed door.
Am thinking I need to apply for a passport soon...
Forgot how sunny & hot it gets in Kelowna....