Thursday, September 08, 2011

Ain't No Stoppin Me Now

Time is just flying by. I feel like I was just complaining about August being here already, and now it's September and school's back in!
From the Clearwater to the North Okanagan, to Omak, Washington, I've been all over the place in one month. Feels like just as my feet touch ground in a new place I'm off and running again.
So many trips and zips out, here and there, that I've been living out of a suitcase for a while now.
I helped the boys pick out a place to live in Salmon Arm, discovered the job market and foot-ins up there. I visited with genuine people in Clearwater, and they reminded me how pleasant it is to be around those who ask nothing of you, yet give everything in return. I've spent time with my family, mourning, celebrating, and enjoying what life is offering us this summer. Overall, regardless of how busy it's been, I feel better than I have in months...and terrible at the same time.
When I used there was a terrible incident, and since then, it's been haunting me. Other than the occasional craving and withdwarl symptom, I am fighting off flashbacks of things that I had originally forgotten about. It's like remembering my childhood all over again.
I'm pretty good at self-destruction. A knack, a habit, a hobby, a talent, or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it's a gift, maybe it's a curse. Who knows...All I know, is that through some deep moments of self-reflection since I used, I've discovered a will to live.
For whatever reason, I left that house, that grasp, and walked as far as I could and called someone for help. I managed to leave it behind, and because of this, I'm still here.
I've got to try and believe it was for a reason, but I'm so dumbfounded about the fact that I got up in the first place, that I'm actually not worried about that quite yet.
I still feel lost, but I'm thinking it's time to stop hiding from life, and just get a move on and keep truckin' my way through it, cause regardless of what I do, it's not slowing down at all.

2 thoughtful remarks:

Osbasso said...

"...I've discovered a will to live."


Ama said...

you have the power and strength Amber...and I believe in you!