Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Someday I Want An Answer

Somedays I wonder how on earth I gave birth to such a brilliantly beautiful child. How I could cry when I see just how passionately he lives his life.
Other days I just want to scream. Those days I feel like I'm teetering on the brink of some of violent behavior that I just don't care to elaborate on.
We've been to counseling sessions to try and figure out how to solve our dilemma. They've all said the same thing "take care of the bigger problems, and the smaller ones will fix themselves". Those bigger problems have long since been repaired. Not once has anyone said "This is your solution". It's frustrating as fuck. Really.
There are days where we are all so tested, that we literally just leave him be, because we are at a loss as to how to handle him. He pushes and pushes and pushes, until no one can stand to be around him.
He responds by saying he wishes he were gone. He says awful things about himself. Part of this has got to be coming from us, I understand, but how did it get to be so horrendous? I would love for someone to explain to me why he behaves the way he does, or give me an answer. I just want to know why.
I want to know why he grins and smirks when he knows he's not listening, disobeying, or disrespecting. I want to know why he laughs when he's outright ignoring us, or deliberately hurts those he loves. I want to know why he's so happy when he knows he's physically harming himself or his family. I want to know why I just can't believe that he's sorry when he apologizes.
I want a fucking answer.
I want to know why I feel like the ultimate failure as a parent because I want to lash out so badly, all I can do is walk away until I'm calm. I want to know why I'm pushed that far in the first place.
What the fuck am I doing so wrong?
Am I not paying him enough attention? Do I not praise him enough? Am I not being consistent?
Please, someone, come and rescue me, and put me on the right path to a happy child!
I don't want my child to remember his childhood like I remember mine...All I've ever wanted for him was better than what I had.
All I want is an answer.

3 thoughtful remarks:

Ragtop Day said...

Oh, Amber - I hear your pain and wish I could help. You've said so many of the things I think about one of my kids too, and it's so hard, so hard. The smirking thing gets me every time. Why do they do that? I don't have an answer either, but know you're not alone. We tried counseling and it was worthless (for us). I want someone to tell me what will work and unfortunately no one can, and even worse, no one sees how awful she can be but me, since she is charming as can be in public (usually). Hugs to you.

only a movie said...

I know your pain. You are not a failure. If you were a failure, you wouldn't be worried about it at all and leave him to his own devices.

I know of a lot of resources (books etc)that might help. I could send you a list if you are interested. I do this sort of work for a living and also have a super challenging child, so if there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to shoot me an email.

Hepburn Hilton said...

I get a pich in my stumach when reading your words, it almost like I can feel your hurt. You are such a good writer, you should be novelist!

I remember my mum saing the things you are saying now, I was a horrendous chid. I don't know your sun, but at least you can ake comfort in that it will get better. Just keep walking away when you feel thta anger building up because you won't have anything to gain by blowing up in front of him. Maybe he is just a rebel, that you are doing everything right. I think some children always be a handfull, it's just their personality.

I really hope you get the answer you are looking for. I wish I could tell you where to look..