Monday, April 28, 2008

I couldn't figure out

I was puzzled all week by the thoughts that seemed to be glued in my head. I kept thinking about last year's happenings and wondering what the hell I'm doing, and everything that goes along with it. Then it hit's been a year now...the anniversary was this past week. It hadn't occurred to me until I last night. I feel like I've been seeing a bunch of red flags from my husband...staying up late to be on the computer (supposedly to do homework that never seems to be finished come morning), frequently checking for messages...a few other things.
I could be paranoid, yes, but can you blame me? I don't know what I'm doing here. I keep second guessing myself because I know my motives may not be from the best places anymore. I'm a damaged piece. I feel like I will always be paranoid when it comes to him. Not because I think he'll do it again (on that point I'm certain he will, only because I can't believe better of him), but I think he wouldn't tell me again (I don't believe he has either the backbone for it, or the respect for me).
I'm stuck in this limbo of wanting desperately to move on in my life, and being perpetually stuck.
I don't want to be like this forever...this is not who I am.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Nietha said...

I think the question is... do you want to be asking these same questions a year from now? 5 years? 10? Like what's the freakin line?