Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fed Up

I keep thinking I must be making myself look like a woman who's out of control when I blog.
I think I may actually be just that.
It's a day to day life I lead. I don't plan my future, I don't even think beyond the next weekend. Far off dates that are given to me are entered into my phone and promptly forgotten.
I said in an earlier post that there's only so much I can do. Doing anything more than a day-to-day life is too much.
I always feel shamed when it comes to my family. Not of them as people, but of the fact that we have this public image of wanting to help, but we're in such desperate need of it that I fear of being found out.
We didn't actively choose this path though, this just happens to be what was dealt to us. That's what makes if frustrating, and heart breaking.
It struck me the other day that we're into year 9 together, and if we're to have any wedding at all, that we should actually start planning for it now. Gotta have funds fo that sort of thing, right?
I've maintained that if we made it to ten years together that we would have a "proper" wedding, where I'd even get to wear a dress and all that stuff. I intend to keep that thought up. But damn...9 years has gone by so quick.
In all that time together it was only in the first year where we actually had a relatively care-free lifestyle, where we weren't struggling and fighting to live. Truth be told, I can't clearly remember them. I wonder if I do that on purpose?
Citizenship & Immigration Canada and INS are impossible to deal with for the little guy. I don't understand how other people can be so damned lucky to have their applications go through without a hitch, and ours takes years.
I don't understand how families can be happy together with everyone working and going to school, and how they have money to save for education, or vacations, or just for a rainy day. I don't understand how other people can pay for their own schooling, and I'm sitting here scrambling about to figure out how to finish one stupid certificate.
I don't understand how I can struggle so hard each and every morning, and still get no where.
I, quite frankly, can't even understand how I can even manage to get out of bed each and every morning.
I am able to pay for a roof over our heads, and sometimes a quick treat or two from the store. I've stopped taking my children into stores because it's so embarrassing, and heartbreaking, to have to continually say "Not this time".
I've actually been considering taking on another job (seen one advertised that I could do on weekends, possibly), though I really don't know how that would be managed.
Every little bit helps, and though it's helping, it's still not enough. It really just feels like everything will never be enough, and no matter what I do it will always be this way.
It's been this way for nearly ten years now, why would it stop now? What's the next road block that's going to pop up for us? Honestly, there's just got to be something there, that's creative and would never happen to anyone else just waiting around the corner, but I've given up trying to guess what that obstacle might be.

1 thoughtful remarks:

ama said...

perhaps day to day is the right path for now...especially if it gets all of you through the day. And there's still time till your 10 year mark and your goal for a real wedding...