Monday, November 16, 2009

I Think I Can.

**Family Disclaimer**

I'm almost beginning to think I should start up a separate blog just to follow this story away from my family's prying eyes, LOL

I'm anxious. Have been for over a week now. After doing some research online, I now know that the statute of limitations regarding child sexual abuse if going to leave me free to pursue charges right now.
I'm going to take a deep breathe, gather my thoughts, and attempt to go through with this.
There's just one problem. In order to do this, I need to tell my mom first, and have the talk before I can feel free to pursue the matter further.
This is going to kill me. I'm quite certain.
I've come to the conclusion that there is no "good time" to bring the subject up. There's no getting around it.
As I said before, I can't hold it in any longer. Though I long to just forget about it, as I've done for many years now, it just can't be done. It's been years since I've seen that man, and just the thought of what happened between us, leaves me unable to have any intimacy with my husband. I shrivel at his touch, and shut down when he only wishes to have a conversation with me. I yell when he wants to discuss our responsibilities because there's no room for it in my brain, or in my heart. I'm being swallowed alive...again.
I have to do it...but it scares the hell out of me. I'm terrified...clammy, sweaty palms, nervous glances behind my back, and nearly unable to sleep or be alone.
I have to dredge the courage from somewhere. The courage to go on living, because I truly think it would be a great thing to find something to numb me right this second, and every second following, until I die. I need the courage to look her in the eye, and ask directly, regardless of the answer. I just want to be able to say that I asked.
I'm scared. I feel like I'm a child again...little, confused, and not comprehending anything about how the world operates.
I can't take it...the pressure from folks who think they know exactly what I should do, the thought of hurting my family, the thought of anyone treating me differently.
I'm going in a million different directions, just so I can avoid what's glaring me right in the face.
It's time. Time to let it all go, and get on with the life I worked so fucking hard for. It's time to let me believe that I'm worth more than just some person's whim. It's time for me to re-define beautiful, and free.
It's time, and I'm terrified to take this leap, but somehow...I think I can.

6 thoughtful remarks:

Hepburn Hilton said...

YOU are incredibly BRAVE! I'm glad you can still press charges, but do you know if it can lead to anything? I mean, can he be held legally responsible after so many years? Are there any evidence? I would just hate for you to go through it, if it comes down to your word against his and he walks..

I hope your conversation with your mum goes well. Will it be the first time you tell her anything? I can understand why that would be scary! Again you are one BRAVE woman!

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You can do it. Whatever you decide to do you can do it. Good luck!

Osbasso said...

I've been remiss in commenting about any of this, partly because I don't know what I could possibly add. However, one line in this last one struck a chord--"It's time to let me believe that I'm worth more than just some person's whim." You absolutely need to do this! I have no doubt that you've got the determination to get this done!

Janet said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this...I wish you much luck and closure, as well. Hugs :-)

nwrambler said...

"... In order to do this, I need to tell my mom first..."
If she reads your blog she already knows.

Good luck with that conversation. Your Mom will understand your feelings. Trust me on this one.

Anonymous said...

your mom knew the whole could she NOT??