Friday, November 20, 2009

The First Step

What a night.
I was chatting with an old friend, trying to get more info about my past. Had to ask him what he remembered. He talked about our fun, and old friends we had lost touch with, and my ex boyfriend.
After getting off the phone with him, I bumped into said ex-boyfriend. Talk about blow my mind. Asked him to sit and chat with me a bit about that time period, and some of the things that happened to me, and such. Wasn't a pretty conversation, and I'm so not proud of what he had to say about the type of person I was. It was scary to see him describe what happened with such passion. Evidently I kinda traumatized him a bit...but the same thing happened on my end as well. I'd like to ask him more about what happened back then, as I met him not long after the case was blown open with my step-father, and he saw me down that spiral to rock bottom. I don't know why, but I need to know what happened then, because I effectively erased it from my memory, and that scares me.
After just a snippet of what he told me tonight, I understand why I'm scared.
I figure if I'm going to let my skeletons out of the closet I need to let them all out, and hopefully by the time this is over with I'll have the strength to move on, and grow up.
I desperately want to change the pattern of how I do things, and I can only see this as a beginning of that attempt. It's dangerous territory though, so I'm trying not to tread on any toes while I'm at it. I can only pray that I don't repeat anything here and find the key to moving on without hurting anyone in the process.
From what I can see now though, that's going to be pretty tough to do. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is...

3 thoughtful remarks:

Hepburn Hilton said...

What you are doing is very admirable.

Even though I don't have the same background as you, it hit a cord a with me when you say that you desperatly want to change the pattern of bhow you do things. That's just like me. I'm going to therapy and everything to figure why I do react the way I do to things, and why I deal with stuff so poorly. It's so hard. I don't know why.

Good luck, and congratluations of gettings tarted and identifying your goals :)

Anonymous said...

Well I hope it isn't as bad as you think it might be too. Good luck! We'll be pulling for you.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

I will have good thoughts for you as you undertake this journey. You are both brave and smart...