Sunday, November 29, 2009

Cycles & Change

I made a pointed trip to the library last week with H on a day off that I had. I checked out what books they had on Sexual Abuse Survivors (a small amount, surprisingly). I've been browsing, reading, skimming, and skipping my way through them. Gathering information on what seems to be a usual process.
I keep flopping back and forth between "God why is this taking SO long??" and "I don't think I can do this", and "Ok, what's next on the checklist?".
I can see myself failing in the communication department. I feel pushing all around me, and when I don't want to move quite so fast or try quite so hard I clam up and run away.
That is my cycle.
When I don't want to rush something, and just take my time to deal with something and I feel pressured to go faster, I just stop.
I was pregnant with H, and my boss wanted me to work straight through until I didn't get a clear ok from my Dr. I didn't feel up to the task of doing my job as a home care aide anymore after reaching a certain size by a certain time. I literally just stopped going to work. I stopped taking her calls, emails, and snail mail. I just stopped. I stayed at home and slept a lot, and I didn't really get anything done.
While trying to work my way through my marital problems a few years ago I was feeling pressured to discuss a certain topic and rather than dealing with it I loaded it on the forget it pile and shoveled it away.
While volunteering for the PAC in Ohio, I was supposed to send out Thank You letters as soon as I received a donation from a company, and instead, I waited until just before we left Ohio to ship them off.
Obviously, I'm in need of a new coping mechanism. it's not my intention to shy away from things, I just sort of let it happen. I keep saying "I'll get to it" and then with each new reminder I just keep saying this to myself.
This is an emotional cycle that I keep dredging up, and I'd really like to change it.
I have, in the past, used physical cycles as well. Take the cheating behaviour I exhibited in past relationships and the rampant promiscueity.
I used sex as a tool to both temporarily make myself feel better, and to degrade myself. I did it dangerously too. If I had to count the number of partners that I can remember that number would be far too high for me to want to admit out loud. Add to that the number of folk who were aware of what they were doing while I was not, and you've got a significantly higher number. I did it because it made me feel special in the moment. That special and accepted feeling never lasted beyond their climax. I did it because it made me feel just as disgusting outside as I did inside. I truly wished I could match them up, and did my damnedest to make it happen.
By the time I had dropped out of high school in my 9th grade year (14 to you folk who don't get that term), I had a most horrendous reputation that led to sexual harassment in my own school halls. Word had spread about my behaviour, and the guys were always bugging me, not to mention their popular girlfriends. I gave up trying to fight people off, and instead decided to drop out. I decided to run away from the rumors, and behaviours, rather than stick up for myself. I decided to get as far away as I could...and then I met my 1st husband.

I've been talking about cycles here, and how I really just don't want to keep repeating past behaviours. While I don't see myself honestly repeating the behaviours, I can totally see myself trying to repeat the emotional cycles here. I'm shutting down, and diverting my attention elsewhere, which is kind of alarming, and sort of disappointing on the same token. I'm having some toruble working my way up to contacting someone for help. Come to think of it, I've always found it difficult to ask people for help (whole 'nother story).

D & Mr were supposed to be away for the weekend to go to Cub Scout camp but came back early because poor D was sick. It was the first time he was throwing up in his 7 years (he's don't it sporradically after motion or chocking) and he was kind of traumatized by it. I actually wound up taking him to the ER, but that was because all of the clinics were closed. He's ok, we figured maybe a swiftbout of food poisoning got to him. Sending him off to school again tomorrow.
Gotta find time to sit down and figure out what I'm buying ppl for X-mas this year, or maybe what I'm going to make them.
Distraction distraction distractions.

3 thoughtful remarks:

Osbasso said...

I think it's admirable that you've actually taken the steps to investigate the "process". What I really like is the woman you seem to have become (from my limited exposure...). You're good people!

LarryG said...

a "good people" indeed -
my two cents is this... you don't have to do it all on your own, there should be a center for counseling and since you are willing to deal with what's up having a counselor should be an assistance...
but you seem to be doing well - congrats A.

Jack said...

I echo what Larry said...
Counseling may help you with the healing process.

I hope D is feeling better soon Amber :(