Friday, November 20, 2009

Flashbacks Pt 2

**Usual Family Disclaimer**

I've been absorbing what my ex said to me lastnight, along with what old friend tried corroborate.
It didn't paint a pretty picture, and I feel that it could be true, though I really don't want to admit that out loud.
According to them, I always had my way. We partied together, we had fun, and sometimes...they pulled me out of a tough situation.
As far back as I can remember men were always predators to me. I've had a difficult time finding just one that I could trust. No matter which ones I chose, they could never be trusted...except one.
That one would be old friend.
When I found him on Facebook last year I was ecstatic, and phoned him the first chance I got to catch up on each other, and find out what was new, what I had missed, and to find a connection in the universe that I needed. He remains the sole man in my life (asides from my step-father right now) who has never betrayed my trust. That is a huge thing to me.
I've always hated when people call me beautiful, because I couldn't perceive it as anything other than a note of distrust, envy, or desire in their eyes and it has never been a genuine compliment to me. The result of spending time with folks like this is something I'd like to call it a death wish. It's a wish that people treat me the way I feel about myself. Disgusting, filthy, and just plain fucking stupid. I've hinted before on here about my feelings towards myself, and I can admit that they've always been there as long as I can remember, but after the scene with my Step-Father leaving, it rocketed out of control, and took me on the road to hell from which I've never fully recovered from.
That road led me to believe that I wasn't worth anything, to anyone...least of all myself, and my actions showed it. I drank heavily, and started letting the users in to my life, and eventually run it for me because I truly believed I wasn't worth saving. With that belief, I was also desperately looking for someone to prove me wrong. As cliche as it sounds, I have a hard time watching (but also seem glued to it once it starts) the movie Georgia Rule because it hits far too close to home.
There were a number of really bad folk in my life during this period of my life.
I lost my virginity because I got drunk. This was the first in a series of alcohol induced bad choices, and choices that were made for me because I had had so much I had passed out.
I was an unfaithful person. I was dating a guy and went to a party, and had sex with this revolting human being in a basement bedroom of an empty house. For weeks afterward he hounded me to sleep with him again, only in the light of day and sobriety, I couldn't stand to look at him. Still dating same guy, and we partied at my house, and a friend of his came over. B/F slept in my bed with me, and friend was on the couch. I'm not sure how it happened, but I assume I instigated it, we wound up having sex on my couch. I can remember going to parties and having groups of guys hound me. Touching me, trying to kiss me, hugging me, teasing me, all with the same get into my pants. I've been wondering for a while why that was. Truth is I've been hiding memories deep down so I don't remember them, so that I look like the good guy in the images I do recall. In my mind, I was an angel. It's become increasingly clear to me that I was not. It's really coming clear just how fucked up I really was.
There was a party that I went to with a friend of mine. I remember she was dating this asshole who used to get into fistfights with her, and I didn't care for either of them much. I went because there was going to be lots of alcohol, and as much pot as I could get my hands on. I don't recall what happened, only that they kept handing it to me, and I obliged by drinking and smoking each time it came my way. Eventually, I don't know what happened, but I remember we were outside (in the middle of winter) and her b/f was hitting me and calling her a bitch. I don't know how I got home, or what happened, only that I lost some of my items because I never went back to get them, like my winter jacket.
Ex told me lastnight that he pulled me out of there with old friend. He also told me with a sincere amount of passion exactly what he did to the folk who were there that night. After he was done telling me about that, he proceeded to tell me about the condition he found my body in when he got me home. The whole conversation left me feeling truly ill. It left me feeling ill because after he started talking, I began remembering what had happened.
When he finished talking, I told him I was sorry for all of the stuff I must have put him through. I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I know what it must have been like for him to put up with me. When we started dating, I asked him out because there was no one better at the time. It sounds awful, but I had wanted to date his best friend, and when he refused to give me the time of day because he was loyal to my Ex, I just gave up and went with my Ex. I wasn't loyal feeling. Often times I remember just wishing there was something better. It was a pointless relationship, and was just for show. While I did come to love him, I had no idea how to function in a relationship and continue down the path of distruction. So, he was just shoved to the side every time I wanted to continue. I feel horrible admitting that, because I know how much he loved me.
The purpose of this post, is the beginning of me accepting that I did what I did. Learning to find out why I did what I did, learning how to properly deal with the resulting emotions about what happened, and to say I'm sorry to those I've hurt.
I told y'all this was going to be a hell of a journey. While this is mainly about the past, it all connects to how I live, and function in my relationship right now. I'll get to that in another post. Right now, I'm going to go and have a good cry, and finish processing the bulk of this.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Ama said...