Tuesday, July 27, 2004

What a Doozy

Is there like, a rule that each month (and only in a bad year) you hafta have one real whopper of a day?
Went to work, and work seriously blew the big one.  I messed up my site, and couldn't make it to the next site, and had a mental meltdown...
Chance says "He's finished...he doesn't want to do our marriage anymore"
Yeah, I had a lot to do with it, but it rather took me by surprise when he said it.  So, my day was f*d because my mind was wondering how this came about.
Isn't that funny, I've been telling him he can walk out anytime he wants if he can't deal with what I'm trying to do, and when he says he is, it surprises me.
Well, I can honestly say I really don't know which way I'd like these turn of events to take.  I know the pros and cons  of both.
The problem is Darius...not neccesarily HIM, but what could happen to him.
I was good though, and rather than bottling it up and keeping it to myself, I used my "network" and chatted it out to get some sort of clairity.  I talked to mom, Marty, Mom-In-Law...and a rather special someone who shall remain unknownst to everyone but me.  :o}
My thoughts on today are:
I'm stronger than I really give myself credit for, and I know I'm capable of anything I set my mind to...except making enough money for chance.
I know I'm not going to live my life, being someone else's problem, or living my life knowing that I'm never going to be enough.
I know my son deserves to see us happy.
I know I hafta keep working...

What I don't know:
Do I want to be with him for the rest of my life, or were these last 3 years a total waste, asides from Darius?
How long will it take me to find some place to live?
Home much longer do I hafta put up with this s*t?
How would I face another failed marriage?
WTF would I do if I had Darius on my own, and live by myself?

Guess I'd hafta get a dog...?
My head hurts, and I've almost smoked a whole pack of cigarettes today alone.
Guess what it all comes down to is, can I really see myself with Chance down the road?

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