I'm tired.
I had a training workshop in the big town today for Facilitating something for Success By 6. It was good, and I feel I will be able to apply it to some of my families.

I'm lonely. I've asked that we not have company over for the time being, as I was witholding some issues from Mr, and they unintentionally coming out when we had guests under the guise of witty sarcasm. I know when things start coming out like that that I need to step back and work through them until I'm more comfortable.
It seems like I cycle through stages like this. I feel healthy, and I feel good about the flow of things, and something set me off, and I clam up. I stop talking, I stop reaching out, and I retreat into myself for safety's sake.
I've not visited with anyone but my Gramma, and a friend of Mr's in over a month now. I'm not reaching out and chatting with people jovially, and showing how strong I am by carrying on. I'm living in shadows and spending time in books, and retreating farther away from what's here.
I know where it's stemming from. I know what's causing it. I just don't want to talk about it.
of course...that tension is carrying on to other aspects of my daily life, and I can feel the whole house tensing up with me. I don't like it.
There's never a good time to bring up what I want to bring up. I know this.
Tonight, I'm just tired. Rather than talk about it, I'm going to get the kids ready for bed, then I'll do the same. Maybe things will look better in the daylight.

I Didn't

I'm crying because I'm watching my mother leave. She's left me alone with him again. I'm bathing, and I'm scared. I'm lying in bed, and though I've giggled, it's a nervous giggle. I know what's coming.
I'm pretending to be asleep. I'm trying to make sure I'm breathing evenly, deeply. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, I want so badly for my mom to come home. I know she won't be home for hours.
He's coming down the hallway. He's in my doorway. Between slanted eyelids I can see his shadow in the doorway.
This is my nightmare.

I don't want to keep secrets. I want to feel. I want to feel like I'm normal. I don't want to be shattered. I don't want to feel like I'm never going to reach. I want you to know that I'm still here. No matter what you do to me, I'm still here.
I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm all that, but I'm still here. There's got to be a reason why I'm still here.
I'm strong. I know that there will be an end. There will be a day when this doesn't hurt, where this doesn't destroy me, when these thoughts won't wake me up in the middle of the night.

I've spent the last few months in a stupor, one way or the other. I've drank until I can't clearly remember what happened the night before. I've stayed up until all hours of the night babbling about nothing in particular, or watching movies because I'm afraid to sleep.
I've brought my children to bed with me because I can't bear the thought of sleeping alone. Sleeping alone terrifies me. I'm using them as my barrier. I'm letting them be my excuse for not carrying on. For not facing what I need to face to move on.
I'm stuck. Again.
I've slipped from my track of thinking about myself positively. I can't see any beauty. I'm avoiding mirrors. I'm not letting pictures of me being taken. I'm hiding out at home. I'm not going out, facing the public. When I do go out, I put on that mask. The mask that I need to hide behind that makes me feel worth the life I'm consuming.
I'm so deeply afraid that if anyone knew just how much turmoil boils inside of me that they won't want to associate with me. I'm afraid that they will tell me what I'm so deeply afraid to hear.
I want to cry. I want to hold it in. I want to forget. I want to pretend it didn't happen.

I'm lying on a bed, in a stupor. I can hear the crowd in the other room. I'm trying to sleep off what I've consumed. We were all having a great time. I thought I had found people to trust myself with. I didn't.

The Light

I can see the light!
We're finally coming out of the fog here.
I've come to realize that illness can spread a lot more easily in a small, rural community than it does in bigger cities.
Over the last month our small community has suffered from an outbreak of Norwalk Virus.
My lil D-man caught it, and it had him down for two weeks. Longer than they predict it usually should last, but I think he caught it twice, if that's possible.
H is finally getting over a nasty head cold that had him snotty and slobbery as all get out.
I've tired now, and I'm sick of dealing with sick kids. I want everyone better, and I want everyone happy right now. My patience in this department is now next to nil. there is seriously only so many times I can stand to sanitize the hell out of my house in a limited time span.
Things have been going rather smoothly I guess...even though I've changed my schedule at least a dozen times to accomodate home hours w/the kids.
I'm starting my fundraising for the local Playschool that I volunteer for. Hopefully I can get enough done by the time it comes round for us to hold the event.
The boys have joined gymnastics, and are doing well with this venture. They both really enjoy it.
I'm still working a couple of hours per week at the daycare, and I'm enjoying my time with the children, as they all seem really quiet whenever I'm there. We've been playing a lot of hide-and-seek in the snow when we go outside together. It's fun.
I'm on strike right now. I realized that by the end of this month, we'll have lived in this area for an entire year already. Feels like time flew by. That being said, this also means we've been without a proper bed for that long as well. I'm hoping to get one within the next month, but who knows what the future is holding for us.
Mr is coming to the end of his work contract, and it's up in the air if he's going to continue on with this venture. At least, that's what I've gathered.
We took a trip to Kelowna about 2 weeks ago, the first time back there for the family since the summer time. It was nice, as the kids had a need to see their other family members. They got their fix, us parents got ours.
I'm continually surprised at just how much more snow we get here than we did down there. Tons, and it seems to come at least once a week. The temperatures fluxuate, but it's never warm long enough to melt anything but the roads, as most snow piles here are as tall as the road signs they're piled against. I continually joke about throwing the kids in the back yard, and losing sight of them in the smow drifts cause it's so deep out back. I don't really, but you almost get that feeling. The first step off the back porch and you sink in past your knee.
D has been taking Cross Country Ski lessons for hs Gym class, and begins Downhill Ski lessons next week as another portion of the Phys Ed curriculum. There's a small ski hill in town that they'll be travelling to, and D is both excited and scared, as he's never done any skiing before. Mr has offered to go with him though, so should be alright.
I can hardly believe it's been almost a year in this town, and this job. Feels like we've been here a lot longer than that, and it feels like we just got here, at the same time.

Feel Like Not A Whole Lot

Not much action blog-worthy going on here.
I gotta say that having a two-working-parent household is a little more difficult than I thought it would be. I find myself exhausted after work, and I have a lot more running around to do. I can appreciate now how difficult it is to spend quality time with the kids after work for both of us. We do make an effort to keep tired voices from raising and to keep ourselves sane. I can admit, though, that it can be quite trying to ensure everything runs smoothly, and to ensure that everyone is cared for properly while we work. These past couple of weeks we've been experimenting with different friends' caring for the kids, but are quickly boiling it down to those whom we trust with our kids, and those whom we don't. Am considering finding a sitter for two days per week for the days I'm in daycare w/H, but we shall see what happens, and if anyone is available.
I'd like to make a trip to Kelowna sometime soon, but am unsure when that will be. Am working on savings for the trips we plan to take, and also on a list of items I would like for the house, that I've always wanted, but haven't really seen as something I could get. It's nice to be able to make a list like that. I'm enjoying that freedom.
I've gotten myself worked into a bit of a schedule, and have found a niche with how to get the kids ready to go int he mornings and how to get everything done in a day.
We've signed both kids up for Gymnastics, on seperate nights of the week. They enjoy having something extra-curricular on the menu of things to do, as they haven't had this since we left Ohio, really. Though we did try Scouts for a bit, it wasn't worth it in the end.
It's been snowing a lot here lately, which is nice. I have been avoiding shovelling my driveway, opting instead to 4x4 over the mound that the plow leaves behind. I regretted doing that yesterday when I got the truck stuck trying to get into the driveway w/the kids in it. Of course, it had snowed over 8 inches in 24 hours, and the mound was considerably large, and had not been worn down at all. I made plans, once we got the truck into the garage, to go out and shovel that mound out of the way. Just thinking about it made me feel worn out, but I need to be able to get in and out of the driveway, cause I have no plans to dig myself out when I gotta get to work. I got the kids ready for bed, and as I got them out of the shower, I seen lights on the driveway. A Co-worker of Mr's was out in our driveway with his little ATV & plow clearing out a path for our truck in the snow. Seriously...that guy is my hero.
I have some people coming over this weekend to help me clean out my storage room as well, as it's a scary sight, and out of the norm for organization. I'm glad it'll be getting done, and ready for the seasonal items to go back in.
I'm making plans to set up D's bunk bed, as he's starting to ask for sleepovers with friends. He's never had one, and I'd much rather prefer having his first one with a friend over here than have him do the first at someone else's home.
Spending this morning doing small errands with my lil H, before heading to the Daycare for the afternoon. I'm sure enjoying myself with the kids, it feels good to be sparking imaginations again.

Mobile Uploads 2010 Favs

I've spent a significant amount of time over the past three days working on clearing off my old computer, and moving it all onto my External Hard Drive. That also means I've been transferring a lot of photos to my Flickr account as well. Something I'm guilty of not attempting since last August. This also means I've loaded all of my Mobile Pix from my hotmail to my drive as well...here's a few of my fav shots...

H, sitting next to a baby cow in Little Fort this past spring. --->

<---I wonder how many of my readers will catch this refrence?

We live so close to the school, but we started practicing the walk early. The boys will be walking by themselves next year...woulnd't you love to see this as you drive by a school?--->

<---My beautiful cousin's newest familial addition. He's got the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby, must be pre-destined to be a great piano player :o)

Mr has been working very hard to fit in comfortably with my family ever since he met them. He spent a significant amount of time fishing this summer, and though he never caught anything worth bringing home to three extra mouths, it certainly doesn't mean he never caught anything at all.--->

<--- While Mr was fishing, the kids & I visited my Gramma, and walked to the local convenience store to grab a treat for ourselves and occupy our time. BTW, this is the only Subway between Jasper & Kamloops if you ever happen to travel Hwy 5 North.

2010 In Reflection

It's a new year, so I guess it's time to purge those thoughts from the last.
I've got a job which is challenging, and incredibly rewarding. It has it's ups and down, and it's possible (though, not very likely) that I could lose it come March (the person I took over for went on Mat leave for 1 year, but she has moved).
I've begun working in daycare, a field, which, at one point in time, seemed like a dream that I'd never reach.
I have officially attended college, and I'm eager to continue studying in the field I got started in by accident. That being said, it also refreshed my dreams of continuing my education in other fields that were once an option I had considered for myself.
I kind of fell out of blogging. I feel badly about this, but there is a point when you can only read so much moping without getting snappy about reading the same old shit over and over. While my life still has it's ups and downs, the past 7 months have made it increasingly difficult for me to focus on the positives like I usually do. I have survived a nervous breakdown, a scandal that could've hurt a lot of people that I care about, and issues that threw me right back to square one with my reflections and feelings towards men. I worked as much as I could to making myself take steps towards being able to trust myself around those gentlemen who call themselves my Mr's friends. While this has proven difficult, I have made progress to a degree.
I stopped HNT-ing. This upsets me, and really shows how much I've fallen off track with my outlook on myself. It's difficult to take pictures and see them as beautiful, when you just don't feel it. You really have to feel comfortable to take the shots I take, and I haven't felt like that in a long time. While this wasn't intentional, it's glaringly obvious I need to do some self evaluation to figure out what would make me feel most comfortable to get me going again. That being said, I'm also suffering from two broken cameras that will need to be sent to the manufacturer to be repaired before I can start again. I feel fairly ill-equipped without cameras, and am considering v-logging as an alternative...but we'll see how far I get in that venture.
I'm happy with my marriage. After 9 years together, and an immeasurable amount of tribulation, I'm content with how we have settled with one another, and trust my Mr completely. Three years ago I wondered if I would ever trust him again, and I'm happy to report that I am finally over this avenue of demise. We're both working...and have a friendly joke about it because he's becoming more "Canadian-ized" and making more than I am. Work suits him, and I'm glad he's happy with the position he holds right now. I do fear for his safety while he works and volunteers though, and this surprises me...I've never thought about how much he and his safety means to me. I fear losing him. I fear that he will be hurt, and I'm proud of what he has stepped up to be in this small town. His ability to give himself so freely encourages me to continue digging myself out of my shell, and his support has helped me to continue my own self-exploration. I can honestly say now that I do truly love my husband, and I don't need to voice a reason why (though there are many) and give it justice to anyone.
This year we're looking at actually planning and saving for many avenues of family fun, that we've never been able to consider before. This marks the year where things start going right for us. We've worked hard to make it this far, and dammit, I'm ready to see the fruits of our labor! We're planning a trip to Whitehorse for a family wedding, and a trip somewhere (we're pulling for Vegas) for our 10th anniversary. We have plans for a second vehicle, and a beginning to the rebuild of our credit. We are officially "making it" on our own. All of our bills are caught up (they've made the BC Driver's License look really ugly BTW), there's plenty of food in the cupboards, and our kids don't need anything...but that doesn't stop them from wanting ;o)
Life is moving on, and I'm finally ready to say that I'm a grown up. I like the way that feels. But, if it's okay with you, when I'm in Daycare, I'd still like to be a kid!