I have just been reduced to a waste of gas.
"Can you drop me off here so I can grab something to eat while you and the boys go about your business, then come back to get me when you're done?"
"You just said it yourself (in previous convo) that it would be a waste of gas."
I wonder if I shouldn't just start taking cabs when I need to go out, wonder what the going rate is these days.
"What's wrong dear?"
"I don't feel like talking, leave me the fuck alone."
I hate my life in this moment.

Thoughts on You

"She wants to be set free
Wants the space to feel love and be angry"
Tom Cochrane - Wish You Well

It's a beautiful night out tonight. Slight breeze, warm. It's my quiet after the storm.
Other than cleaning all day today and making a fabulous meal for my visiting FIL, I had a wonderful day with my boys. They were calm, and reasonable.
The calendar has filled up quickly this month with new and old obligations and I'm surprised that it's gotten so full, so quickly.

"When I see my Honey Bee
Well I got somethin' to say"
Tom Petty - Honey Bee

I feel...
All day today as I was listening to my music, and doing my days' work, I kept dreaming up words to the thoughts that were roaming in my head.
I wish...
I want you...
I want you to hold me, I want you to kiss me.
I want to feel the heat in your veins blend with mine and make this home disappear.
I want you to take me away, to be alone with nothing but your heartbeat.
I yearn for you to make my world sway with your passion.
I want to feel languid in your embrace, and fall asleep there while you whisper in my ear.
I want you to tell me everything in your heart, to feel your words course through my system until there's nothing left of me.

"But nothing's greater than the rush
That comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face"
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

50 Random Things

I was tagged by Carina @ The Blogette

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My First name no, my middle yes. I was named after my Gramma (Roseabell) on that front. Amber Rose

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Wednesday. I was reading Chicken Soup For The Canadian Soul. I love those books but this one is my fav!

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Occasionally, but not usually no. It's too erratic.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Black Forest Ham

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Two munchkins who wear me out each and every day.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Maybe, course I could be too bitchy to want to bother with ;o)

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Every day, though I really do try and tone it down with the kids around.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes I do.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Probably, yes, so long as it wasn't overly high up. I've always wanted to try that slingshot thing I've seen at the amusement parks.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Hmmm...Shreddies!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Yes, have you ever tried to untie them to get back into them before the kids run away from you?? Save the time and untie them beforehand.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Kahlua Chocolate Fudge. It used to be in Kelowna but has since disappeared from there. Only place I can find it now is Little Fort, where my Gramma lives.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their smile.

15. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS AND DO YOU LIKE THEM?
Nope, I'm an only child.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My lack of self-belief. I have no confidence in most situations, and if it's present it's extremely subtle.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Mom & Kim.

18. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF LIVING IN 20 YEARS?
I'll be traveling the world by then.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I have jeans on, with white ankle socks. I don't usually wear shoes in the house.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Maroon Five - It Won't Be Soon Before Long, kids romping in the living room, and the dishwasher.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Happy Face Yellow of course.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
I just mended a shirt that smelled amazing. I dunno if it was fabric softener or the guy who wore it but damn! That being said, I think my fav smells are clean baby, and fresh Mr.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mummie.

25. IS THERE ANYTHING IN LIFE YOU REGRET?
I regret a lot of my actions, but I wouldn't change them. I'm just sorry people got hurt along the way. Warning, I leave Casualties. I need that sign tattooed on my head.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Hockey. Olympics-wise I love the Gymnastics Floor Stuff.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brunette

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown, very very deep, dark, almost-black brown. The boys got my eyes.

29. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?
Depends. Mornings when I'm getting D ready about 30 minutes to shower & dress, and on mornings where I'm not going anywhere, I just brush my teeth and toss my hair back and take it grunge style.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Potatoes. Salty potatoes...usually with bacon or cheese. I'm hungry.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary Movies. I love a good thrill. It also makes me feel better about my life in some strange way.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Finding Nemo was on TV last night and this morning. I watched a bit of it. We also went to family movie night at the school last night and watched Wall-E

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
I am wearing a striped beige shirt.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I guess winter. But I prefer fall.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs, cause you can get them from anyone.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
I tried Tiramisu once and it rocked my socks. If not that then plain vanilla ice cream.

37. ONE RANDOM FACT ABOUT FACEBOOK?
I'm connected with people who turned me out of their cliques when I dropped out of school. I don't really know why, cause we never talk.

38. ONE RANDOM REAL LIFE FACT?
I've only every held 4 jobs in my life.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Chicken Soup For The Candain Soul

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Don't have one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
A Bit of Finding Nemo, and a bit of Barnyard, that movie makes me giggle...I love the mouse.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
My kids laughing, my Mr's heartbeat when I can get close enough to hear it, and my voice when I'm singing.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES OR ELVIS?
All Three!!

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Well, does it count that each time I've gone a long way from home I've been moving to a new one? This question befuddles my mind. Nova Scotia, Canada.

45. WHAT THREE PLACES DO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL TO NEXT?
Italy, Scotland, South Africa.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Kamloops, British Columbia.

47. IF YOU COULD CHANGE CAREERS, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO BE?
A professional College Student. :oD Ok, maybe a teacher, or a fashion designer, or a baker, or a music producer.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/ SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Subway. My Mr loves Subway, and I happened to be working in one. He had the cutest ass I've ever seen, and it was the only reason I started talking to him.

49. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE THINGS TO DRINK WHILE OUT?
Unsweetened Iced Tea with two packs of artificial sweetner (The sweetner is less sweet than the loads of syrup they put in the sweetened version), water, or Pepsi.

50. WHAT IS A SECRET THAT FEW KNOW ABOUT YOU?
I'm an organizational freak, but still remain spontaneous in nature. I organize so I can be spontaneous. Does that make sense?

Yup, it's official...

I'm invalid.
Seriously. Taking a step back to when I was pondering moving here to Ohio, I knew things didn't usually work out for us, either through our own fault, or through some freak happening that always works against us. Sure enough, being the trusting fool that I am, I thought...ok, when we move it'll all be alright. Our "lawyer" says I'll be able to work no problem. That was my first mistake.
I should have waited until the f*in paperwork was in my hands before I even budged, seriously. I know better in these situations. I was foolish, and naive, and believed that everything could possibly work itself out.
First rug to come out from under me, I couldn't work when I arrived. Second rug was my lack of citizenship, and possible barring from the country. Now when I leave I won't be able to file anything until another 10 years (if at all) has gone by. Last rug. I don't qualify for an Ohio's Driver's License, so the company that handles our insurance has removed me from their policy.
Yup...I'm no longer allowed to drive.
This time last year I was homesick for a whole different set of reasons, now I'm just waiting to find a place where I belong...where I'm allowed.
I don't qualify for health care, I don't qualify as a dependent cause I don't have a SS#, I can't work, and now I can't even drive. I'm officially a prisoner. My life has just been reduced to what I can walk to, and nothing further unless someone can drive me. Does anyone want to wager how often I'll get time alone to myself out of the house now? No more late night shopping trips where everything is quiet for me. No more quick runs to the Drive Thru to fulfill late night cravings. No more heading out to meet a friend for a drink or to go shopping together. No more PTO meetings without a chauffer. That means my life will officially be scheduled around everyone else's business because I don't matter now. I'm barely even a person.
Yeah...I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Friday Fill-Ins #110

Questions courtesy of YellowRose this week; thanks, friend! And...here we go!

1. Please don't tell the world how crazy I am.

2. Can you wake me up in the morning?

3. The color yellow makes me want to smile!

4. I have a craving for something cold.

5. If my life had a pause button, I'd pause it when my family is smiling.

6. Eyes are the windows to the soul.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to movie night at school, tomorrow my plans include hopefully finishing off my puppets and Sunday, I want to relax and hopefully catch Scrabble Night @ Church!

In Which I Get My A** Kicked In Ice Skating

Today was the day the 1st graders went to the local Ice Arena, and my Mr & I volunteered to go along as chaperons and help out.
We had fun, helped the kids manage themselves accordingly, and I had a billion & 1 pictures. Nearing the end of the ice-capades, I turn around to head off the ice for a minute, and I realize my skates have crossed and I start leaning over. I have my camera in my hands in front of me, and rather than falling forward on it, I decided to lean backwards and fall that way to protect it. I fall, and roll with it. I flopped back up on my head, then forwards onto my butt when my camera flies out of my hands, and as I go back once more the damned thing flies up in the air...and makes a sickening thud...on my face.
Yup, my face saved my camera. Well all the other parents rushed over to check on me, and I'm giggling. "I'm okay!" I say, and "I was just worried about my camera, but it's safe now". They asked about the god-awful thudding noise, and I explain it wasn't me hitting the ice, it was my camera colliding with my face. Yup, anything for a picture. So, now I've got this huge fat lip, and a bruise on my elbow, but I'm feeling pretty good that I got as many great shots of the kids as I did.
The ice kicked my ass today...but I'm just glad it didn't pack as much of a punch as my camera does.