Sunday, December 11, 2011

Chillin out, maxin' relaxin

Yep. We changed our plans at the last minute this week, and wound up in Clearwater, rather than Kelowna. A friend had his Birthday this weekend, and I figured if he could make it down to Salmon Arm I could make it to Clearwater for HIS celebration. Good food, good laughs, good sleep & chilling in a group full of parents & kids (some of whom stayed in pj's all day). When it came ot party time, most everyone we invited couldn't make it to the party, so we enjoyed some Mr. Bean & fanTAStic food. After the kids were booted to bed, we busted out the jello shots & the Wii-motes. Picture 4 adults trying to keep up with Michael Jackson's moves dancing to Thriller...heehee. It made me giggle so hard I almost wound up with a jello shot coming out my nose. Was loads of fun, and now we're just gearing up to spend the day on the road, meandering back home whilst stopping in for quick visits with those we haven't seen in a while. It's been a great weekend. I'm beginning to enjoy doing the things that I actually WANT to do, rather than the things I feel like I HAVE to do. It's a very rewarding experience. I'm in love with my family. Adorable boys who are brilliant in their own way, and a Mr who is making a genuine effort to be amazing. While it's true that I miss Clearwater, and the friends we left behind here, I'm not anxious to move back any time soon. It leaves me with a large feeling of non-closure. It feels like I have unfinished business here, and a reputation to rebuild for myself. I'd love to have a go at attempting this, but not right now. I'm still much more fragile than I let on, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on the difference between Shame & Guilt. I think once I've worked this out, I'll be able to start forgiving. Forgiving myself for getting into situations that I knew were dangerous, forgiving the assholes who took advantage of me, forgiveness for those who were supposed to watch out, but didn't. Forgiveness covers a wide scope of topics, I think. I know once I start it will all crumble, and I'll be a puzzle waiting to be put back together, only the picture will be much much different that it has in the past. I'm glad, after all is said and done, that I have friends that I can feel safe around, no matter what my actions are. I'm glad I have a family that loves me. I'm glad I'm here.

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