Wednesday, September 01, 2004

September Blues

Well, here we are into the first day of September. *sighs*
Where does the time go?
This year has been so bad I can hardly remember why it's gone so fast.
One thing is for sure, I'm definately going to have some wild stories to tell after 2004 is all over and done with.
Yesterday was a bad day. Again.
Since the arrival of Niahm, Chance has once again slipped into the "I want" mode. In which he doesn't do anything except what he wants to do, and leaves me and D to pick up the slack. Now, I'm no Frued, but I know as much to tell anyone who has put up with behavior like this that they don't need it.
After many a conversations with Chance, repeated attempts to just have the man I married become the man I know he can be, I've just finally decided to call it quits.
Yes, I've said this before, and maybe I don't really mean it this time.
I haven't worn my wedding bands in over a month and a half. I was quite amazed to see that my tan line was gone the other day.
My problem is that I'm too good of a person, and am fully willing to give a person another chance. A trait that I attribute to my mother.
Well, the problem with this is, that eventually you've given so many chance's for reform, that there's nothing left of you. You've spent so long trying to make someone more lovable in your own eyes, that you don't realize that you've changed yourself to conform, instead of them growing some to catch up with you.
Now, Chance and I have never really been on the same plane to begin with. He from well-to-do parents, and me from a life of responsibility. Combine both and you'd think that they would mesh quite well. Well, we do...up to a point.
There comes a time in every person's life where they think to themselves; "Self, I wonder if there's isn't room for improvement upon the person you are". The point where your personality shows a glimmer of the person you will be in the future.
What brought this on you say?
Well, like I said, Chance's "I want" mode, and a brilliant occurence yesterday morning as I tried to sleep in.
I was told that I was "Pathetic" because I wanted to sleep while Chance drove mom to work, and he had to take baby with him in order to do so. On top of this, I had a nice over-night-soppy diaper rubbed in my face while I was still half asleep.
All because I wanted to sleep in, and he didn't want to take the baby with him.
My reaction? I threw a pillow at him. It hit him in the face.
His reaction to that? He told me that if I ever hit him with anything else ever again he would take Darius and leave, and that all he had to do was tell the authorities that I was beating him.
Now, I mulled over this for the most of the day, and it occured to me that what he's doing to keep us together is blackmail.
The threat being that I may never see my son again if we break up. That's more than enough for any loving mother out there to deal with.
I personally would not want a nasty ending to my relationship, lord only knows that I've my fill for my lifetime, but what I also would not want is to have Darius growing up knowing one side of his family.
I grew up with only one set of grandparents. I thought that was normal. It blew my mind when I found out I was the one who led an abmornal life. I missed out, and I really wouldn't want that for Darius.
My point in posting this on here?
Well, this is my personal blog. Blog being a "Weblog", a place where I can post any personal thoughts, feelings, or just regular stuff that runs through my head.
Up until now this thought hasn't really bothered me. Until I read a response to one of my latest posts. Yes, this means you Rhonda. I understand that you don't want to read things like "that" but like I said, this is my blog, and I can put on it what I will. If you don't want to hear or read about it, this is up to you...because you are a mom after all. Reading my blog is a better way to get to know me because I would normally, never have these kind of conversations with you otherwise. A different side of me comes out when I know I'm not gonna get blasted in the face from my mother when I say, "She really frustrated me today". Cause we all know that when I say something like that in person, it never comes out that way. This is the real me, once I've had time to think about what I want to're all better off, I must admit, when you read what I've been thinking once I've thought about how to say it.
Probly goes the same the world over.

3 thoughtful remarks:

The Hesketts said...

I had a friend once tell me that the first 7 years of marriage are the hardest, and that if you can struggle through, it becomes so easy. Let me say that after making it through 5 years now, it is starting to get better ... it's still not great, but definitely a hundred times better than it was during the first couple of years. On our first anniversary, Brooke asked me if it seemed like we'd been married a year already. My response was that it seemed like a 100 and that I was surprised we actually made it to a first anniversary! Having children so early in the relationship makes it even harder. You never got a chance to know the other person as an individual before becoming parents. Parenting takes over everything.

As Darius gets older and some of the constant responsibility begins to ebb, you'll look back on these days as an unpleasant memory (notice I didn't say that you'd forget these days, because I know I certainly won't forget the early struggles). I know that Brooke's and my fights are almost always about child duties (I think I do it all and he doesn't). I have since learned to back off and instead of TELLING him what to do, I ask him if he would mind ... Now, personally, I don't care if he does mind, but he's a lot more willing to do what I ask vs. what I tell him to do. This may have nothing at all to do with you and Chance, but try using different approaches with each other. Obviously, the ones you are using with each other aren't working.

Please, Amber, think long and hard about calling it quits. As a stepmom to Emily, I see what problems are created when a child is shuttled back and forth between 2 families. Anytime you want to talk, just let me know!

Nietha said...

Previous experience has taught me not to get into the middle of relationships. But there's always that debate... what's best for the individuals in the relationship and what's best for the child(ren) and if there's some way to compromise.
Yes, it's hard on a child if their parents aren't together. But it's also hard for them to grow up and see their parents fighting all the time. Regardless, life is hard, no matter the situation. No one has an easy life.

I don't think anyone can say "after x number of years" something will get better, as though there's some magic # or magic answer. What if you had been together 7 years before getting married? You still have to wait 7 years before it's running smoothly? Not to trash on Shannon's comments, but it seems silly to say, "ride it out, it will get better because it has to".

I'm no expert on relationships, but if you have been honestly trying again and again to make things better and they are not improving in the slightest... what's the point in banging your head against a wall. Yes, no one would want to give up on a marriage or break the family up or cause heartache for their child(ren), but there's a limit to everything.

And frankly, if the immaturity displayed by such a blatant baseless threat is what one has to put up with... that's a huge frickin sign in my book.

Perhaps it's time to treat the relationship like a business and draw up a plan or a sum of assets and see who is putting in what, who needs what, and which areas are lacking. There are two people in a relationship and both should give equally. Honestly and non-emotionally, lay it on the line. If you can't manage to converse verbally, write letters. (I highly recommend written communication... allows each party to share without interruption and to think about what they want to say and how to say it, as well as soak in what the other has said before replying. No yelling, no fighting, etc.)

No big decision in life is easy, and that's why you haven't made it yet. Take your time. If the both of you truly want what's best for all three of you, you will find a way.

I don't think less of either of you and I hope you guys can be happy again soon.

Nietha said...

As well, no matter what happens, I'm sure it would not change the fact that Darius would have his entire family on both sides surrounding him in love.