Sunday, September 26, 2004

In A Pig's Eye

You know, sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm being punished for in my own life. I'm aware of the wrongs I've done, I'm aware that whatever I may or may not have done I could quite possibly be doomed for, for the rest of my life.
Maybe I'm in hell and I just don't know it.
I've prayed over the last month, for peace of mind, for wisdom, for guidance, and for patience.
How is it that I can't feel my own self worth anymore.
I work for a family that just doesn't appreciate what I do. Spend my money like yesterdays news, pretend that I don't factor in to any equation.
Maybe I don't factor in. Maybe, because I've royally fucked up my life at an early age, I don't deserve to be happy. Ever. Everytime I think I'm happy, something goes terribly wrong, and I start to wonder why I'm even alive.
I wonder why I put myself in the situation to begin with, why I let happen the things that happen. I wonder every day what I'm doing so wrong to cause myself so much heartache.
I'm coming to believe that every wrong that's happened to me, I'm derserving.
Maybe it's making me humble, miserable, lousy, useless, worthless. Take your pick. Maybe it's going to make me a better person some day, but after living with such a lousy picture for so long, I'm wondering if someday will ever come. Will someday come when Darius is grown, and makes a good choice, or get married, or graduates? Will a good choice come when I leave Darius with someone more worthy?
There's not a day that goes by these days where I don't wonder if he truly would be better off with someone else who could do more for him in life.
I do a lot for him, in his name, and because of him. That makes me better, marginally. I'm never going to be a happy person, but I can be one sometimes, if only because of him.

0 thoughtful remarks: