I can't believe we're down to the last day of the year. It's kinda scary when you think back on how quickly it went.


I remember feeling lonely this time last year because I missed my friend, then i ventured out into the Reservation and made new friends. Summer came along with a massive change to how I made things work. There was a crossroads there, looking back. I could've changed my life forever, and I chose to stay the same.
Fall came, and I was still lonely, but not nearly so bad as I was during the beginning of the year.


Did I make resolutions? I couldn't tell you, I don't even think I stayed awake.


I wonder if this year will be different. I wonder if I'll be different.


It seems that as I grow, I find a new layer of someone who's always been me. It's like I'm building this puzzle of me and I only find one piece that fits per year, and somday I'll see the big picture, but I know it's not today. It's comforting to know that I'll someday be who I was meant to be, and not just pretend to be someone I know I'm not. that's what gets me through times like this.

I'm here now, and I'm floundering. I feel like calling for help, but the only one who can help me...is me. I'm scared, I'm alone, because I have to do it on my own.

The New Year is here, and I can choose that path that lay ahead of me that will enrich me, I can choose to be that better person that is hiding...I can choose. And yet I don't.

I don't know how many people read this on a reglar basis, or at all...but to those of you who do, I hope you have a good new year...one that you can fill with hope and all of those good things from within you. Each and every person I've met is amazing in their own way and holds at least one personality trait that I wish I possessed for myself. Make this year a memorable one...and not just for the reasons to complain about, make it the one where you genuinely want to remember and relive it over and over in your memory, because you never know when you'll need those thoughts.

Oh my.
Why does it exhaust one so to stay patient and bite their tounge all day?
I've had two days like that. Days where I just want to yell "What the fuck is wrong with you??!"
Or "Do you not possess compassion or manners?!"
I'm tired...I'm exhausted, this season took a lot more out of me than I was expecting.
It's hard to be in someplace different, because different means you're not used to it. When you're not used to something you don't do things the same as you would in a comfortable place.
If I were at home, this is what I'd do in this situation...why? Because I would be comfotable enough to know my own limitations and abilities as far as support.
Even though my mother supported me all those years she didn't tell me what to do with my life...or where to go with it, or how to get there...ya know?
That's what I love about my mother...the pressure is non-existent there, it's always been within myself if I imagined it was.
It's the same thing here, but because everything is different, I don't feel comfortable enough owning up to that yet.
How long does my period of adjustment take?
Chance's aunt didn't want us invading their home on Christmas day...until we made other plans. I wonder if they even know how that sounds to foreign ears. Yes, I'm family, but I don't work like the rest of the family does...I'm different. That action offends me because it says to me that they don't care enough about me or my family to say "I could care less about you seeing me in improper clothing or whether or not I've put any effort into food for you, come over and surround us with love and presence", instead they saw me and my family as a hassel they didn't want to deal with on a very special day that only comes once a year.
Nevermind the fact that they haven't even phoned us since we've arrived, it's actually been us phoning them, or us visiting them. My kids are younger, and require more to pack, you'd think they could say, aw heck, we'll save you the trouble this time, and come visit you.
I have to sit back and ask myself, would my family do this to me? I'm sure some of the adult empty-nesters have already done something at some point in time, and I hafta wonder why I don't remember it.
I understand nobody's prefect (at least when you compare yourself to another), but honestly...do people not realize that there's a whole world FULL of people who are NOT them?! how can people be so minute. How can they not have any vision for the world other than themselves?? Has their life been so horrible that they've decided to be a shut in?! If life has been so hard on them,why are we (as a world) paying for their mistakes?
Am I making the fool at McDonald's pay for being stupid enough to work there? No, I appreciate their service, regardless of how it is because I can relate to them on an emotional level (meaning I know I've felt just like they do at one point in time). Am I normal by any standards that way? I seem to think so, because I'm puzzled by the people who choose not to see it that way. I'm bewildered by the actions I see.
I'm terrified on being one of those people who are just there, and aren't actively trying to better themselves, or their lives. I'm terrified of holding a grudge against the world, because that would mean I'm destroyed emotionally...been there, done that.
if that were me someday, I'm hoping someone who loves me takes me aside and says, I love you enough to tell you that you can do better for yourself, and it's ok to move foreward, because I'm here with you.
I've seen examples of this aplenty since I've been in Ohio, and indeed a few times back home as well...and I've never had the courage to bring it up with those whom I see it in. I wonder why. Am I guilty of being an enabler? Am I guilty of not loving that person enough?
How do I prevent that horrible person I don't want to become?

I spent my night lastnight seperating the christmas garbage out, because I felt it important enough to...when my husband asked me why I didn't just throw it all out, I felt hurt that after 6 years he couldn't just answer that himself.
I'm stubborn, and I believe that recycling is important, no matter how tired I am. The earth is important to me, and plays a huge role in the judgement calls I make regarding the prducts I purchase because I want my children to have a future home that possesses natural resources. NO, I haven't done ALL of my reading on the subject yet, I have two kids for chrissake, what do you think I am?! I'm merely taking the important first steps to being more efficient and once that's done and I'm ready for the next, I'll take it. That's more than I can say for the average joe out there.
Consequently my husband calls me a tree-hugger. Like it's funny to call me that. yeah, I'm gonna go walking up to Elton John and call him a faggot and expect him to laugh because I think it's funny. Does that sound right? No, why would I disrespect someone for something that they are (and choose to be in some cases)?
I find people down here just don't function the way I wish they would sometimes...so I find myself biting my tongue and swallowing the smart ass remark I have in reserve for people who have such closed minds.
I pray someday the world would better itself...for now I'd be happy just to have some patience in reserve instead of feeling all tapped out.

In any event...I uploaded some pictures to Flickr.

I'm trying to use my brain

and it's starting to fail miserably.
Ok...so, I'm trying my hardest to make up both my gramma and mummie's places in the holiday scheme of things for the boys, and I believe I'm pulling it off for the most part.
I decided I'm going to do as much food prep today as I can to avoid being stuck in the kitchen tommorow. Busy Busy Busy. I've still gotta work on the pj pants I wanted to make for the boys, and their robes...but oh well. I also wanted to make a few baby doll items for the girl next door.
Anyhow...today I made, oatmeal raisin cookies, a box cake, peeled the potatoes and set them aside for the mashed tommorow, sliced the carrots and set them aside for tommorow, made a veggie tray, tuna (for the puffs/biscuits I'm gonna make), a cheese ball, sliced pickles for the cheese tray, deviled eggs, a fruit cocktail (the kind with the whipped cream and marshmallows), a pasta salad all this afternoon/evening.
I still plan on making pigs in a blanket, pancake batter (so chance can just toss it on tommorow morning), and rolls.
I figure this can be accomplished if I lay out and pin my pattern that Chance can cut it out for me while I bus myself in the kitchen, then tommorow morning I can sew. I hope.
We still need to go get D's glasses, return library books and such.
Oh well, I'm not stressin over it.
We just got all of the gifts brough over from Don & Rhonda's...and wow. We almost have no living room left. I could understand this amount if there were as many people as we usually have back home, but wow. It's almost frightening when you see it as a whole, how much we all spent.
We're pretty much all set for the next few days, in any event. Here's hoping yours goes as smoothly as I think ours will go.

Way much

t's funny when you sit back and think about it. how horribly overcome Christmas is with how much money you have. it's become a season of pissing contests. Like, if you don't make this much money, you won't have a good enough Christmas because you're not getting the season's hottest toys.
It crazy how much I see people buying in one trip to the store (god forbid they make multiple like that), full shopping carts, multiple shopping carts (I've done this, but with neccesity's) ppl.
How much do we need to drive ourselves into debt to ensure we have a "happy holidays"?
I would be content with something hand made, that would really show me that you cared about me enough to put some of your time into my gift. I don't want your money, I want you.
Back home, I complained a lot about everything that needed to be done, but I made sure everyone had at least one thing that I made for them, and one store-bought item under the tree. I complained about going to pick them up, but in reality it was a family tradition, and this also showed how much I wanted them to be a part of my family's holidays. All of the things I complained about I placed on myself because I loved my family enough to do, and because I couldn't imagine the holidays without them. I wanted them to enjoy the traditions that we created together, such as the loop to pick everyone up nd drop them off, family games, family movie nights, and the never-ending snacking.
If it came down to it...I'd be happy just to have my famiy there, and I wouldn't even need a gift. the gift would be the love that is shared when we're together.
That sounds mushy, I know, but it's really true when you shed some light on it.
When it all comes down to it, it's really important that we remember why they're called holidays, and what we're supposed to do with them.
I miss my family, and I'm going to try my hardest to ensure that the kids don't miss them near as much as I do. The only way that's accomplished it focusing on the here & now, and not back then. Having fun with them, teaching them new things, and making sure that they know what the holidays are for.
They for being together, and remembering what a gift each and every person in your life is. They're not about money, or toys, or clothing, or objects. They're not about how many gifts lay under the tree. They're about what crazy new story you have to tell everyone from this season.
Let's see, there was the time the boys stood up while sledding, there was the time we tried going over the Coquihala toll booth and got stuck in the snow, or the time we had Harry pop in with us because his family was troubled that year. I have specific memories from each holiday season because at least one thing made them memorable each time, and that was the fact that all of the people I loved and held near n' dear were there with me.

I wonder who all has recieved my Christmas cards so far? Hmm...
I got Steven's package Saturday (too cute), and Mom's package (still need to wrap stuff) today. We also got Jean & Ernie's Christmas card, as well as Josh & Acette's, and Steven's. I like Cards, there so nice.

I really missed daily updates on my blog