Back To The Usual...

*sigh*

The house is quiet & tidied up now. It could echo it feels so empty.

I need to rest. I need to relax. I need to remember.

Passings & Yes, I'm Still Here

It's a strange turn of events here in Never Never Land.

I've had my kids here for the last 5 days, and they'll be leaving in the a.m. I've had a fantastic time, and really got to enjoy all they had to offer me.

While I'm still in ups & downs and everywhere in between, I feel so much more balanced than i have in a long while, and am even able to see a small glimmer of hope.

While the events that landed me in the hospital last weekend are still with me, I know that I'll need to eventually sort them out, and am considering laying charges against the person/s responsible for putting me there.

It was a huge wake up call, and while it sucked surviving my way through it, I'm still here. For whatever reason...cause I've yet to figure it out.

I've gotten some sun on me this weekend, and have a slight tan...not that I really need one.

Have had two meetings with my therapist, who seems to really enjoy my company. Though I have to say that I don't care much for my A&D counsellor given the comment he made to me on our first meeting of "I'll bet you can get anything you want with that smile, can't you?" Kind of an assholish thing to say to someone in crisis if you ask me. I'm thinking I may not make a return trip to see him.

I'm glad I'm aware of my needs, and know where to go to ask for help, but am still a little frazzled that it's taken this long to get the help I asked for in the first place. I'll be looking to extend my EI through September, to avoid filing to Income Assistance a bit longer. I don't feel up to keeping a job, and am considering asking the Psychologist to writ eme up a note when I see him for our second appointment.

I'm texting like there's no tomorrow, and have been getting a lot of flack for being so connected to my phone, but int he past month alone it's managed to save my life at least once, if not more by keeping me connected with those that love me most, so I'm content to keep it glued to my hand.

Imagine me at 5am phoning to for an ambulance ride to the hopsital so I can come down & withdraw in a safe place, away from those would be able to give me access to the drug I was craving. My phone is always there for me.

Am contemplating taking some time up in Clearwater, to possibly sort through my belongings and purge what I can. The kids & Mr are moving again at mid month, and I'd like to make it easier on them by getting rid of what I really don't need.

An In-Law family member passed away last week as well. Kinda took a large spark with them, as I felt close kinship to them, and know that I will miss them dearly. I've been a part of that family for 10 years now, and I've come to understand that despite circumstances, I will cherish them all for as long as I live. The hardest part of knowing of this passing, was that a)I knew I would never get a hug from them ever again, and b)was not able to attend the funeral.

I guess I need to file for my passport to avoid this from happening again...and stock away for one such emergency.

New Friends

It's been a doozy of a week.

Appointment after appointment, meeting and places I gotta be.

It's been hectic, and I'm seriously ready to just relax.

The kids are coming down tomorrow for a 5 day visit. I'm excited, but it also means that I'll have to do some tidying up tonight, instead of just relaxing.

I've gotten out with a friend this week, enjoying the summer for what it has to offer. It feels good to get some sun on my skin, and be in public places. It's also nice to not have to do it by myself.

I've now visited my Dr & gotten tested for everything, caught myself up on all the paperwork, and will be filing to Employment Insurance, before I move onto Income Assistance. I'm unable to work, and will be for a while.

Hopefully I can get everything worked out sometime soon as to what I'm doing with myself.

I know eventually I'll need a plan, but for now I know I won't be returning to Clearwater, that I won't have an income for another month yet, and that I'm feeling comfortable this week.

This could be due to my new friend M. M has come to stay with me in my home. M & her cat Emma. It makes life comfortable, but does not distract me from the ability to seek the help that I know I need. It simply adds more support there.

I'm onto Season 4 of Prison Break. Good Stuff. I love how everyone from the previous Season's all came together to work on the project. I find it quite intense.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the events of this past weekend. Trying to proccess and gather the pieces of those memories I shattered so they wouldn't hurt me. It's hard, trying to figure out how it got this bad, and attempting to forgive myself for slipping so horribly. 10 years with no drugs in my system, and one night of a cocaine induced frenzy was enough to put me into withdrawls for two days, and craving for the week. Any more, and it's a gauruntee that I'd never see my kids again. Ever.

So, here I am, picking myself back up, and going back to the bat. Let's hope I hit a homer this time.

I Used

Well. I had a bad weekend. How was yours?

I fucked it up, I did drugs this weekend. I spent one day in the hospital in withdrawl.

I'm sore as shit. My entire body hurts from the tremors, and from the muscle spasms that were uncontrollable.

I haven't used in over 10 years.

I'm pissed that after a month and a half of trying to access services, all of the sudden every place I had been trying to get servicdes through contacted me regarding my hospital visit.

I'm fucking angry that even though I reached out before I fucked up, that the door was slammed in my face. I'm fucking pissed that I had to fuck up before anyone thought I actually needed help contacted me.

I'm enraged that I had to resort to emergency services for help. I ranted and raved to the Social Worker/Mental Health worker about everything I had tried, and informed her of the closed doors and fucking waiting lists and the stupid "Saftey Agreement" the idiots gave me when I informed them of my desire to commit suicide. At each mention of each agency her mouth dropped open a little wider.

Why the fuck would I WANT to go on living if no one will help me with the issues I have now.

Essentially the message that I got from each place was that my issues were not a priority to them and that I could wait.

The result from their fucked up belief was me using, and winding up in withdrawl.

I was one step away from becoming hooked again. I was one step away from becoming someone's whore for drugs.

The Kelowna Mental Health System failed me.

Let's hope that the Social Worker I saw today will give me the help I need. If he can't, I'm giving you my bonafide guarantee that I'm not going to make it through this summer alive.

They Do Help

I'm onto season 4 of Prison Break.

Hottness.

I've fallen through the cracks in the Mental Health Care System. Backlisted, waitlisted, and not taken seriously.

I spoke with the Dr yesterday who originally saw me when I came into town. He upped my med dosage to the max. He offered to help me find a good therapist, but they would all be sliding fee. He offered to help me fill out my EI forms. He also made it his priority to ensure I get an income and not go to work right now.

Good Dr.

I'm passing the time chatting up a storm online. Makes for a good laugh every now and then.

I'm drinking like a fish, but havin fun the safe way.

I've not touched any drugs, which is a miracle in itself. Loong time ago I was an addict, and I know now if I touch it once I'll get hooked again.

I'm here. Still. I'm alive.

The Only Way I Know How

I watched the sunrise this morning. It's a beautiful thing.

I've been watching Prison Break on Netflix.

I've been thinking about my life, about the life I thought I had, and how it was all just a lie. How stupid I was, how I tried so hard to have faith in the good. How often I struggled to believe the power of positivity. How I tried to believe that this was all for a reason.

I don't believe this was for a reason. I believe bad things can happen to good people.

I've done a lot of wrong, I've said a lot of things. I've been my worst, and my time for judgement has come to pass.

I am getting exactly what I deserve.

I am without my children, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I am drinking, I am smoking, and I am wallowing.

I've reached out for help, and have been turned away from every agency I reached out to. Waitlisted, and backscheduled. I've been told that I'm not a priority.

I was hospitalized in June because I wanted to commit suicide. When I explained this to my intake workers, they gave me a slip of paper with steps to take if I felt like self-harm. When I called those numbers they offered, I was told I'd be placed on the list.

So here I am, watching the sunrise, reaching out to emptiness, and fucking it up the only way I know how cause ain't nobody gonna pull me outta this one.