Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Only Way I Know How

I watched the sunrise this morning. It's a beautiful thing.
I've been watching Prison Break on Netflix.
I've been thinking about my life, about the life I thought I had, and how it was all just a lie. How stupid I was, how I tried so hard to have faith in the good. How often I struggled to believe the power of positivity. How I tried to believe that this was all for a reason.
I don't believe this was for a reason. I believe bad things can happen to good people.
I've done a lot of wrong, I've said a lot of things. I've been my worst, and my time for judgement has come to pass.
I am getting exactly what I deserve.
I am without my children, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I am drinking, I am smoking, and I am wallowing.
I've reached out for help, and have been turned away from every agency I reached out to. Waitlisted, and backscheduled. I've been told that I'm not a priority.
I was hospitalized in June because I wanted to commit suicide. When I explained this to my intake workers, they gave me a slip of paper with steps to take if I felt like self-harm. When I called those numbers they offered, I was told I'd be placed on the list.
So here I am, watching the sunrise, reaching out to emptiness, and fucking it up the only way I know how cause ain't nobody gonna pull me outta this one.

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