Clarity

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm a little fucking ant on a big fucking log, and someone is pointing a goddamned magnifying glass at me.
Let's look at amber, how completely fucking stupid she is, how little, I wonder if we can squish with our toe...
I don't ask for much in this world (at least I'd like to think so), but when I do ask for something, it's important to me. Really important, and if I don't get them (i.e. behaviours, phone calls, notes, mp3s :o), or even a hug), I find myself wondering why I even bother to ask at all.
I asked for something simple, live and let learn, and I couldn't get that. That says to me that I don't deserve the things that I ask for, however little or big they may be. That says that I don't deserve respect, even though I respect you.
I've had this conversation with many people, friends and family alike, and they understand that when I ask for something, it's actually something I rather need, more-so-than want.
I need to keep my sanity, to believe that at my heart, I'm a good person, because somedays, living in my world, it's very easy to believe that I'm just one big fuck up, and I can't seem to find the ability to do anything right. I can't seem to find the way to love, and be loved in a healthy, normal fashion.
All I've ever wanted out of life was to be loved, and trusted, and to be cherished like I'm special.
I feel none of these.
Funny how life works sometimes.
I feel used, and disrespected, and like I'm the object in the store window that everyone laughs at just because I can't get the things I want out of life, because I feel like I'm failing.
All I'm asking for is help to aid me in making a success out of the lives of my family. Sure, I don't like being in charge of it, but when Chance starts making a contribution, and I can take time off, maybe I'll take time off from the head, and face of this family, because it sure is a tough position to be in.