Hitting Bottom

I'm fishing round on the bottom. I'm here, but I feel lost.

"What am I sposed to say when I'm all chocked up but you're ok? I'm falling to pieces" - Breakeven - The Script

What am I looking for? What am I here for? Is there a purpose in my suffering?

I'm here, I'm reaching but I don't know what for. Am I reaching for help and salvation? Am I reaching for trouble and danger?

I'm a kid again. I'm lost, and I accept help from the first person who offers it, only they're not interested in helping. I'm exploited again because I'm trusting, because I'm hoping.

I need to believe that there's someone who will help me, I just have to find them first.

I feel like I'm stuck, and that I'm going to be stuck here forever. Doomed to relive this cycle over and over. Never change, never grow, never move on.

I don't want to feel. Emotional torture.

"I'm so afraid of waking, please don't shake me" - So Far Away - Staind

I want honesty, I want faith, I want trust.

Netflix Addiction

I've been trying to move. It's not working so well.

My bed has my permanent imprint, my laptop has been set to Netflix for 3 days now, and I've watched everything under the sun. Under the moon too.

My sleeping schedule is all messed up. I can't remember to eat, and I'm confused when my body sends me signals that I'm hungry.

I think it's safe to say that I need to make some phone calls today.

We had the conversatin with the kids. I had to cut my time with them shorter by a day. I simply couldn't

tolerate the stress. I know they were disappointed. I feel like I keep hitting setbacks. I'm wondering when this feeling will end. The feeling that I have that says life would be so much better if I weren't in it. All these waiting lists and "we'll call you back" feel just like a slap in the face. It may be that I need a pick-me-up. It may be that I just need someone to care. It may be that I'm just lonely. It may be a lot of things, but I'm feeling like no one wants to help me out here. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'm just surviving the best way I know how.

I'm Still Here

I'm feeling a little discouraged today.

I want to enroll for a Human Services Diploma program. 2 years at whatever institution. The problem is the place I'm applying to no longer has it open, bummer. I guess that means I'll hafta do some searching around here in the Okanagan for other institutions that have the program available as well. My first two choices are out the window, which has me a bit bummed out.

I've been waiting for a counsellor to phone me regarding assault. After I did my intake they said to expect a phone call within a week to set up my first appointment. Called and left a message that I had to yet to receive this call, and when they returned it they stated that I've been wait-listed because it was not within the recent past, but months ago. The lady stated that it could take months to 1 year to be eligable for services through their organization and that 1-1 servicves were available on a sliding fee scale. On their upside I've been scheduled to begin a 6 month program with them that starts in September. Joy.

The kids are coming for a visit this weekend. I'm apprehensive because that conversation is going to be had. The conversation where we inform them that we're separating. Fuck. I wish that I could just have a calm time where I can centre myself. I can figure out what I don't want to do, but placing my finger on what I WANT is confusing me quite a bit.

I rather feel that just as I'm starting to get my feet under me they get swept right back out. Like I'm not being given a chance to get what I need. It's frustrating. It's not fair. I want to stomp my feet and scream. Instead, I'll go light up a cigarette, grab a glass of water, and figure out what my next step is. Keep chugging along, and hope that something will eventually work out. Hope that it is sooner, rather than later. Try not to feel overwhelmed, and focus on one small step, the one directly in front of me rather than behind me.

I wish someone would hug me, hold me, and tell me it's going to be alright. I wish someone could comfort me. I wish I had more concrete support. The reality is that I don't. The reality is that I'm alone in this, and I have no one but myself to rely on. And just like every other time in my life, it's up to me to pick up the baggase and move on.

Fuck you world, cause I'm still here.

Long Weekend

I'm lost. One day I gain sight, one day I lose sight. I have an idea of what I'm doing, and I know when harm is in my path. My choices are clear, but I'm afraid to make them.

I've finished taking a 10 day program for coping skills, and have received a referral to both an anxiety group and 1-1 counselling for my depression, as well as done an intake for counselling surrounding assault.

It was a long weekend. I couldn't bring myself to celebrate Canada Day because I didn't have my kids with me. I didn't go out and enjoy all of the festivities that were available, or watch the fireworks, or visit the fair. I couldn't. I faced the fact that I couldn't bear to watch happy families. Instead, I joined a friend for a BBQ with some of the most amazing home-cooked food I've ever tasted in my entire life, watched some movies & had a sleepover.

Right now I'm focusing on turning my bedroom into my haven of security. It's a small project, it's within my means, and it's something to keep me focusing on the here and now.

I've lost weight, though I'mj unsure how. I've purchased a bus pass for this month on the local transit, and really have begun to enjoy riding the busses here, despite the fact that it takes hours for me to get home when I do take them.

Life is moving, slowly but surely. I'm curious where it'll take me.

This Is How My Heart Breaks

It's strange.
I had to come back to Clearwater this weekend for my youngest's 5th Birthday. It's weird being here. Just plain weird.
I was incredibly anxious before I came, and was ill for the first couple of hours, but I'm managing ok now.

My heart breaks when I watch my children, listen to them talk, and hear their delightful giggles. It shatters when they ask me when I'm coming home. It bleeds when they ask me why I can't just see a Dr here in Clearwater instead of seeing one in Kelowna.
My arms ache because they hug me, my throat beats down the sob when they tell me they love me, my eyes get blurry when they smile at me, and I can't breathe because I don't want to leave them.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Kelowna, with empty arms.
Who knows when I'll see them again...maybe next month?

From the Coffee Shop

I'm a little anxious today. I've got an appointment with a psychiarist at the hospital where I am attending a 10 day class in coping skills. While the class itself seems fairly unstructured, I'm making myself attend until the end. It's a challenge waking up and gettingg ready in the morning, given the lack of sleep, but I make it.
Today, I assume that I'll be receiving an initial diagnosis on my mental health. Judging fromt he paperwork they've handed me so far, it looks like I may wind up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course there's a mix of depression in there, but meh.
I've got ideas floating around, and while I sit and simmer them, I'm afraid of which step to take first.
I'm also grieving. Grieving the loss of my relationship, and grieving because I'm starting all over again. All over again, on my own. I'm starting to focus on my mental health on my own. While I have various people I call for support, it doesn't compare to a significant other giving me a hug, telling me they love me, and that it will all be alright. It doesn't compare to sharing myself with someone, with understanding and compassion. I'm relying on myself to get me through this. I have to look inside to find my own motivations. It makes for lonely going. I'm not afraid of being alone, but it would make things a lot more comfortable to cope if I had someone to rely on besides people on the phone.
So, here I am, waiting for a diagnosis and to find out where I can go from there.
My little H is having his 5th Birthday this weekend. I'll be travelling back to visit for the night, then making my way back down to Kelowna. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with seeing all my friends and my spouse, and the kids all at once. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me all the rumors that I've been told are flying around about me. I'm afraid of saying good-bye again after a mere 24 hour visit with my kids. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
I have to start out with nothing, and build myself into a real home, but eventually I'm going to have to move closer to them so I can share custody. I'm not going to be strong enough, or financially stable enough to do that for a while. This means I'm looking at a long time without having the kids in my care. This breaks my heart as well. My two main reasons for living are not within my care because I'm unable to care for them.
It's difficult to do daily reminders that I'm here for them, and that I need to show them what life is supposed to be like. It's difficult not to slip into self pity, and feel sorry for myself. It's difficult not to beat myself up over my many mistakes, over what led me here.
I'm grieving. Grieving the past, possible time wasted, the future that will never be. I now know that I will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, or a 65th (like my step-grandparents did last weekend). I know that I may never have any more children.
I saw some people from my former parenting & family groups the other day, and it broke my heart. I felt jealous that they had what looked like happy families. They had an outpouring of support surrounding them. They had pride. I felt it unfair that they had what they did, and I was sitting there without anyone to cuddle or cheer on.
So, today I see the Doctor, and formulate a plan for how I am going to survive. Let's see what the day will bring.