In Crisis, Let's Do It Together

What an interesting leap I've taken. I loved this little graphic, and thought I'd share it with you.
My blog has been honest, and while I've held back some items for safety/privacy reasons, this is not something I'm going to hold back.

I was checked into the hospital over the weekend. After a cry for help was answered by the fine folks at The Crisis Centre of BC, I accepted their recommendations, and went were I was best helped for the time being.

There are a number of things holding me back in my rural community that I love so much. I was unable to get any services for myself to help me out of the pit I was getting deeper into.

While there are many judgements about suicide, I have to say that it's always been there, hiding in the back of my mind. I'm a frequent depression sufferer, and have been as long as I can remember. I remember being a child and wishing I could die because it was too horrible to live when no one listens to you, believes you, and saves you from those who preyed on me.

While I attempted it once earlier in my youth, I had no idea I would be pushed so close again.

In any event, I'm here, in the care of those who love me, trying to build some sort of framework for myself to enable me to carry on.
What I want my readers to know is that this is a part of my everyday life, and if there are others out there who feel like I do, know that I'm here. Let's do it together.

Reaching out is hard to do. It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you open to rejection and more pain, and the possibility that the people you reach for won't understand and won't listen. The important thing to do is to keep reaching, keep looking for what you need, it's there, but sometimes it's a little harder to find.

Headaches

My eyes are killing me. I broke my glasses on friday, and have been wearing my old pair ever since. I'm suffering frequent headaches, and have had to cut back the amount that I am reading. Sometimes I'm reading job sites online, or am reading a selection of books that I have on hand, or reading varioues news stoeries. I don't like cutting back how much I read, I love reading, even though I complain about it once and while. I'm gonna give an online site for glasses a try, after a visit to the Optometrist to get a prescription.

In A Perfect World

I own my own home where the rooms are themed, decorated, clean & bright. I have a large yard with swings, a sandbox & trampolline. I have a garden that is thriving & flowers that love me. I feel beautiful in my home, content. I have a small car & minivan. I have a job that I enjoy which leaves me satisfied. My children are helpful, capable, respectful, curious & independant. They smile, laugh & prosper. I have hobbies that I enjoy, quiet to pass the time & a need to explore. I am grateful for each day, the revealations that life shows me. I am full of energy & ability & I don't hold back. I stand for my beliefs, but keep my mind & heart open. I don't fear change, but accept it with grace. I value my elders & accept what they teach me. I give my love freely, expect nothing in return & get more that I know what to do with.

Depression

I just need a little companionship.
Sometimes, I find myself in need of human touch.
I have a lot of contacts on my phone, and it never fails, when I need someone, no one answers me.
I can see myself falling into the midst of a serious bout of severe depression. I can see it clearly. Like watching a movie in HD.
I can't bring myself to do my usual hobbies, I find interactions with my children exhausting, I have a hard time doing anything but lay in bed. Work is an extreme chore, despite the fact that I love my jobs. I constantly feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like eating anything at all. I shower because I have to.
I want someone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it'll be alright someday, and that someday isn't far away.
I want someone to hold my hand on my way to work, and encourage me.
I want someone to help me play with my children, bit by bit, and let me know it's ok that I've had enough.
I want someone to tell me to rest every now and then.
I want it to be ok that I'm depressed, and not this horrible calamity that it actually is.
I need support. I need constant support. I need someone I can call at any hour and know that I can cry through the line and still feel like I can meet their gaze the next day.
I want to feel that what I'm feeling right now isn't "psycho", or "fucking crazy", or "just being a bitch".
I want someone to understand me, to empathize with me, and to let me know that I'm ok. I don't want to be stigmatized, to feel guilty just to have feelings.
I want to be able to laugh again. I want to be able to smile, genuinely. I want to enjoy the little things, to fascinate over the wonders of the universe, and enjoy being alive.
I don't want to swim in emotional torment, to feel like I'm drowing in my own body, to despise the fact that I'm waking up each and every goddamned morning.
I don't want to hide my tears, to face a smile, to force conversation that I just don't have in me, to pretend that life is actually liveable, to pretend that everything is ok.
I've been on medication since last summer, but medication alone can't save me. I need support, I need an outlet, and I need to get my life moving again. I need love.

Playoff Fever

This is the first time in my adulthood that the Vancouver canucks have made it all the way to the Stanley Cup.

Can you guess what I'm doing tonight?

I've got goosebumps, I can feel the magic of this team, and I know Vancouver's going to win the big one this year!

Even though I don't have cable in the house, I'm grateful I have CBC Canada to rely on, as they air the game via live stream.

Oh, and BTW, this will always be MY Canucks Logo!

Uknown Traditions

Each year, a local Motel in Little Fort (where my Gramma lives) has a pitch that your first cone from them of the season is free. this year I decided to pay, even though it was our first.

I spent some time uploading pictures fromthe last 2 months to my flickr account, and realized I've got a collection of our first cones of the year shots uploaded. How nice to have a tradition that I didn't even know of! I wonder if there are any more...