Friday, June 03, 2011


I just need a little companionship.
Sometimes, I find myself in need of human touch.
I have a lot of contacts on my phone, and it never fails, when I need someone, no one answers me.
I can see myself falling into the midst of a serious bout of severe depression. I can see it clearly. Like watching a movie in HD.
I can't bring myself to do my usual hobbies, I find interactions with my children exhausting, I have a hard time doing anything but lay in bed. Work is an extreme chore, despite the fact that I love my jobs. I constantly feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like eating anything at all. I shower because I have to.
I want someone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it'll be alright someday, and that someday isn't far away.
I want someone to hold my hand on my way to work, and encourage me.
I want someone to help me play with my children, bit by bit, and let me know it's ok that I've had enough.
I want someone to tell me to rest every now and then.
I want it to be ok that I'm depressed, and not this horrible calamity that it actually is.
I need support. I need constant support. I need someone I can call at any hour and know that I can cry through the line and still feel like I can meet their gaze the next day.
I want to feel that what I'm feeling right now isn't "psycho", or "fucking crazy", or "just being a bitch".
I want someone to understand me, to empathize with me, and to let me know that I'm ok. I don't want to be stigmatized, to feel guilty just to have feelings.
I want to be able to laugh again. I want to be able to smile, genuinely. I want to enjoy the little things, to fascinate over the wonders of the universe, and enjoy being alive.
I don't want to swim in emotional torment, to feel like I'm drowing in my own body, to despise the fact that I'm waking up each and every goddamned morning.
I don't want to hide my tears, to face a smile, to force conversation that I just don't have in me, to pretend that life is actually liveable, to pretend that everything is ok.
I've been on medication since last summer, but medication alone can't save me. I need support, I need an outlet, and I need to get my life moving again. I need love.

2 thoughtful remarks:

Debbie said...

Amber - just like that stupid tv ad says, - depression hurts -
It is ok that you are depressed but you do need to get some help. A med adjustment. A therapist. Exercise. I don't know what works for you - those are just different things that can help.
It's a miserable ride. When I get into my depression, I call it a wave. It's a wave that I have ro ride and I hate it. Eventually it does pass. But I just need to hold on while I ride it.
Would you email me your mailing address please?

My expressions LIVE said...

I know how you feel...xoxoxo