Ponderings

Some days I can breathe, some days are tough to get out of bed.
It's quiet, and my mind is occupied by my mom's collection of Buffy The Vampire Slayer series on DVD.
I'm doing projects that allow me to sit on the couch, and occupy my hands.
I miss my kids.
I'm spending a lot of time in reflection. I'm spending a lot of time with myself.
It's been cloudy & rainy a lot. Kind of like how I feel inside.
I bounce back and forth between wondering if it was worth my hospitalization, and considering my future.
The system is giving me a helluva time. Trying to access the help I need is a challenge, but Im working on it.
It's hard to take care of myself. To cook, & eat, bathe, and sleep enough (or too little). Finding a balance isn`t easy.
While I wish my life was what it was, I know I can`t have the things I earned back in Clearwater. I can see the end of my job, and I can see that my life is moving on.
I watch the world continue out the window, I occasionally step out of the house when I`m dragged, and I ponder.
I ponder what I am, what I've done, what's been done to me. I wonder how I can leave my kids, then remember that I wasn`t doing them any good just being there. If I can just keep working, if I can get the help I need, maybe I'll be able to tuck them in at night again.
Maybe it's time I admit just how deeply ill I am. At some point I will need to face the truth. I hide, and I run, but in the end I'm always left alone with myself. In the end I have nothing to fear but what is within myself, ability or depravity.

Needlepooint Nintendo Controller Phone Case

I've been trying my hardest to keep busy. I'm working on all of the cool projects I have saved in my favorites file.
I saw this idea for a NintendoDS case on craftzine.com.

Instead of doing a Needlepoint DS Case, I decided to make a case for my phone.

I found all of my peoject items at a local thrift store, and the project total was $2.00

It looks ok, but I'm unsure if it's the size I want, and am considering sizing it down, or possibly making some other projects.

Music Sheet Mod Podge Jewelry Box

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Motsly magazines that I'm scavenging from the thrift store. Back issues of Chatelaine, O, any crafter mag, and any Canadian mag I can get my hands on.
After all of that reading, I decided I really wanted to try a few different projects. So, off to the thrift stores I went, and came upon my first items to try out. I bought a jewelry box for 2.99 & an old sheet music book for .99. I also grabbed a small handful of various craft brushes for .50.

I brought my stuff home, and gathered my determination to finish the main step of this project in one night. So, I set everything up on my tray (in front of the TV, lol), and set to just focusing on one step at a time so I didn't feel overwhelmed. It is my first project, after all. I started by tearing out the sheets of the music book, and tearing them into various random shapes, as I didn't feel like just gluing the sheets down as is.

I started by glues the box first, but changed my attack to gluing the back of the sheets I was using, and laying them onto the box. I did make a smaller mistake of not doing the short edged first, but I quickly fixed that. I began wrapping around the edges, and it turned out ok.
When I started the bottom edge, I made sure to do the top edges first, wrapping the paper around it, then piecing over top of it.

I took my time with this project, mainly because I was watching tv at the same time. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm pleased with t

he finished product, and only have one step left, now that it's dried. I need to add a coat of sealing spray. For now, it's resting on a shelf in my bedroom. I'm ok with that.

Phone Numbers & Canucks Fever!

Well, I've made it to Kelowna, and have made my base of contacts. Have my list of numbers in hand, and an idea of what I'll need to do for myself.
First off, I've contacted the local Cancer Lodge, and will be donating my hair, as it's super long and I'm ready for it to go. This will mark the second hair donation I've done, and I'm sure lots more will follow over the years.
Second, I'll be visiting the Kelowna Mental Health Centre tomorrow to do my intake and go from there with their recommendations.
Tonight I'll be watching the Canucks game, and painting my toenails, cause everyone needs a reason to smile.
I've started watching Buffy The Vampire tv series, as my mom has the complete collection on DVD. Should be fun, as I've run out of magazine's to read. I had picked up a bunch at a thrift store in Kamloops, but have worked my way through them all by now.
Things are looking ok I guess. I received a phone call from a complete stranger in Clearwater to discuss his wife, though they're separated. Was a bit freaked out that he not only knew I was here, but managed to find the landline phone number for where I'm at. Was nice to chat with him though (as most Clearwater folk are quite chatty, and easy to talk to), as I have experience with his situation, and my field of employ, I was able to address his concerns and give him the building blocks he needed to address them with his spouse. Interesting how things happen.
I'm tired, still. It's been quite an effort to not only get out of bed, but to do the daily routine of showering and getting dressed. My head seems to hurt all the time. I can't tell if that's related to muscle tension, or because of my crappy back-up glasses.
I don't yet know if I'll be applying for work here, or if I will be filing for Medical Employment Insurance. It seems overwhelming, but I recall that the first step to issues like this are always the hardest for me.
Despite my sometimes bleak outlook, life is still plodding along...

I Lost My Voice

It's Friday already, and I don't even know what I did with my week!
I've been thinking, reading, and sleeping. Not a whole lot else. I'm heading out this afternoon for another town, and tomorrow my mom will pick me up. Monday I'll be able to set services up for myself somewhere, make appointments.
I haven't been able to bring myself to actually submit my resume to anywhere. I'm afraid, and currently, my fear is holding me back.
The ceremonies for my cousin were long, but enjoyable. I lacked the ability to congratulate her though, as I was having significant trouble speaking past the huge lump in my throat. As I watched all the grad photos in the special reel they played, I couldn't help but think to myself that my cousin was by far the most beautiful grad there. I'm so glad that I call her a part of my family, not only because she's a fantastic person (and so is her mother), but because she's got a calm, self ability, and knows what she wants. I envy that right now. Otherwise I love her to pieces, and am proud that she has the ability to be so successful (I dropped out of high school before I could make it to this point). This afternoon I'm going to take some more pictures of her in her grad gown before I leave town. Hopefully today I'll be able to speak...

A Smile, A Thought

Browsing videos for these guys, this one impressed me with it's creativity.
I'll be attending my cousins graduation commencements ceremonies tonight. The second I've ever attended, and I'm really looking forward to it.