Friday, May 08, 2009

The D Update

This made me giggle.
Ya learn something new everyday.

Last weekend was very trying with D, he was just not co-operating with us. I had given him a bath, and found a bunch of bruises on him.
Now, before you say boys will be boys, let me say they weren't usual bruises. The few people I talked to about this, this week, were really annoying and interjected their opinions here, without letting me finish. How the fuck had listening become a lost art? All you need to do is listen...and not say anything, unless your asked.
Anyhow, they were the dark, purple kind. The kind that take a while to fade, as opposed to the usual light blue kind that go away within 48 hours. Being a mom of boys, I know my bruises. I thought it strange that he have so many, so I asked him about it. He brushed me off. I wasn't convinced so I sent in Mr, then MIL to make sure the stories matched up, because the story horrified me.
I'm not a big kinda gal, I'm 5'2". Mr isn't big either, he's 5'6"...we're not at the top of the genetic height scale. That means our kids won't be either.
We've had issues with him in the past during the school year where he's been teased about how small he is, and I really had hoped we were done with it.
His story, it turns out, was that he was playing "the kicking" game at school. He and another boy would go on a part of the playground that wasn't very well monitored, and he would have the other boy kick him. His claim was that it would make him stronger. He also said that the bruises were his fault because he wasn't strong enough. He figured that because he wasn't as big as the other boys, he could at least be as strong.
I really just want to cry. How is it possible that my 7 year old has such a bad self-image?? His self-esteem is such that he's taken to abusing himself to better it. What am I doing wrong as a parent? Am I missing something here??
He's a brilliant kid, full of big words that he understands the definitions to, in the top reading group in his class, amazingly creative, and funny. We shower him with affection, constant "I love yous", spend time with him each day to do homework, and get a run down of his day each day after he gets home from school. I just don't understand it.
So, I'm now pondering, and researching, and hoping I can find some sort of way to help him.
I swear, I'm too young to be dealing with this stuff.

10 thoughtful remarks:

Anonymous said...

What I would do, and do do is find people with his particular strong points and point them out and hold them up. But also find people that have what he perceives as a handicap that are stars or successful and be sure to point them out without saying he has that perceived handicap.

So find a short/small athelete or rock star or whatever and be sure to hold that person up and your kid will make the connection without knowing you led him to it. Should boost his self esteem. Thats all I got but it makes sense to me.
Hope it is understandable.

the girl in stiletto said...

it breaks my heart to hear that your D boy thought that way. he's only 7! they don't understand most things, but to have him think in such a way, just plain heartbreaking. but it's not your doing, amber! i can tell you love your family more than anything & you do your best to let them know that & encourage them to show their love to the family. it may sound like a cliche, but try talk to him. maybe use simple analogy (i can't think of any, yet)to explain to him.

or you can tell him straight:
D, if you let your friends kick you like that constantly, you may fracture the bones in your body. and when that happen, you'll bleed. and mommy hates it if you bleed, because you'll get sick & mommy will be worried when you're sick.

or is that too straightforward for a 7 year old? :( i hope this helps, even in the smallest way possible.

Andhari said...

Self esteem problems do start earlier these days. I'm really sorry, that really is heart shattering for me too. Don't blame yourself because you already do all good parents do, i hope it's just a phase. Maybe you can tell him that if he let people kick him, he'll just give stronger power to the bullies and give him bad names?

idk, i think little children really think of "reputations" these days.

Hepburn Hilton said...

That's horrible. To be going through something like that at 7.... My heart goes out to him. Let us know how it works out.

Richard said...

Don't blame yourself. don't build in probable causes like lack of esteem. He is growing up. he will be facing many new things, he will learn what is good or bad. He will learn when, how and where to react.
children are in there own society and they don't usually talk about it.
I would mention this incident to school authorities.

Unknown said...

As a mother, I really feel your pain. I'm the mother of a son, who is considered small for his age (he'll be 12 in October, and his 9 year old step-brother is about 5 inches taller), but he's a tough little cookie. And even though he shows his toughness on the exterior, I always remind myself that, on the inside, he's still a little boy. But a 7 year old is still a "baby" in a way, still needs protecting. He shouldn't feel like he has to prove himself to anyone at that age. I hope you and the Mr find the strength you need to help your son, but in no way is it your fault.

ceecee said...

I honestly believe children in this society, in this century, are becoming smarter and their image will also be affected at an early age.

Smarter how? Oh, let's see, knowing what sex is and all other sexual acts, definitions. Their image how? Oh, let's see, take D for example. He's only seven years old, and already is self-conscious about himself...and the bullys are rough nowadays than before. :-/

I think it's really important for you and Mr to always speak to your children at an early age about things that you wouldn't normally talk about until the kids are in high school.

The more they know, the more they will be aware, and they will be able to come to you or Mr and feel comfortable talking about things with you.

Billy Rhythm said...

I'm not a doctor, and I'm not a shrink. You should probably ignore everything I say.

1) I don't think height is necessarily inherited.

2) Even if it is, and even if he turns out small, maybe point out some famous small people who went on to do big things. Spud Webb was 5'5" when he dunked his first basket ball, and only made it to 5'7". Bandleader and drummer Chick Webb was crazy good, and his band brought forth the one and only Ella Fitzgerald. Napoleon took over most of Europe and was 5'6". Doesn't just about every woman think Tom Cruise is all that? (Or at least did before the Oprah couch thing...) 5'7". Prince! Killer musician, and killer with the ladies: 5'2"!

Hepburn Hilton said...

where is you collection Amber? ;) I was counting on something homemade from you!

headbands said...

I'm a mother too but my child is still a baby. I noticed that kids are getting smarter these days but they are still kids. However, I agree with what Southern Sage said. You can boost his self esteem without making it look like you're pushing him. You can also ask Dad to talk to him constantly. If he knows that his father loves him and is proud of him, he'll be confident enough.