It's been so long since I've even thought about my blog, I had to do an account recovery just to log in!
It's nice to know that Blogger is now under Google, and that I'll be able to access it from my Galaxy Note smartphone. I guess, once I figure out the workings behind it, I'll be able to blog more. For the past few years I've turned to Facebook to do my blogging for me. While I keep it to mainly random thoughts that float through my head, and moments that I notice that make me happy through the day, I definitely miss the ability to share a whole concept with my fellow bloggers. I haven't journaled or blogged in so long, it's like I've lost a good friend.
So, it's nearing my next birthday. 33. My oldest is now 12, my youngest is 8. They give me joy and drive me insane all in one day. I'm grateful that I can still see their innocence, that they still call me mommy, and that they are children. At those ages I wasn't, still a child. I was some sort of freak hybrid. I feel sad, when I realize that my childhood wasn't what I thought it was. Reflection tends to do that to me. But, it also makes me fight harder for the things I know that my children SHOULD have. Not like I'm a parenting expert, but more like I know exactly what I don't want for them, and I work my way backwards from there.
My children know that I love them, that I'm here for them if they need me, and that they can trust me. I don't expect them to respect me, or follow in my footsteps...in fact I'd be aghast if they did. What I expect is that they do everything that makes THEM happy. I won't define that for them. It's wonderful that they are their own beings with their own opinions, sense of humor, perceptions, morals and values. I swell with pride when I hear how honest my children are, or how they don't follow the pack, or the empathy they've shown others.
What leaves me in awe, everyday, is that these little people have come from me. What gives me hope for any future that may be, is that they will be there, leaving their own mark on the world, however they choose. They know their own value. They're strong, and willfull, and wonderfully independent.
And in seeing this every day I'm with them, makes me realize what a successful parent I am.
I've never expected to be a success. Not at anything worth praising, anyways. It surprises me.
There was a Teacher's Strike, here in BC, over the last few months, that had the kids leaving school early for summer break, and going back late for a new year. I chose to keep my summer as open as possible. Not plans, no garden, no traveling. I wanted the boys to lead me in what they wanted to do with our time. Consequently, we spent nearly every waking hour at the beach. I began to wonder if they were growing gills. They were happy.
We fought, we argued, we laughed, we giggled, and we wondered with one another. My kids could read my moods just by my body language, and tuned in to the feelings that I had every day. I learned that they have sporadic minds that jump from subject to subject all day. How this doesn't exhaust them, I'll never know.
2014 has been a pretty rough year. It seems that every other year is like that, for us. We moved, our family grew, we got new things for our family to enjoy, and we lost a friend. Life changes, and it does so quicker than anyone would like it to. There were a few times during the year that I thought to myself "I can't do this", "I can't survive if life is going to continue like this". Hence the relaxing summer. By the time summer arrived, I needed a break. We all did. The stress from the beginning months of 2014 left us all haggard and slow, and we've only just caught out breath.
I'm continually surprised at those moments, where I feel weak, and brittle. Somehow, there's a voice that says to me, "Breathe, and take another step". Before I know it, I'm looking back on the shitty thing that just happened and I'm wondering how the hell I made it out the other side. Considering I was suicidal a couple of years ago, it's amazing to me that I've found that strength that I turned away from, and I welcome it in the times that I find it hardest to move.
My coping mechanisms aren't where they "should" be, but I'm content with them as they are. I have a tendency to stuff it away for later reflection. That happened from having the kids around me night and day for so long. But the later reflection is savory. It's delicious, in it's own right. And while I don't prefer negative or positive feelings, I'm learning to accept them just as they are. Both can be turned into the other with perception.
So, with all that being said...I turn 33 in less that a month. I finally feel like a grown up, but I keep the innocence I've built up over time close to my heart, because I've entered a time where the more I give of myself, the more comes right back at me.
The many years I've spent looking for myself, trying on each personality like I'm looking for a good shoe, has left me with the comfortable knowledge that I know who I am. I like who I am. And that's not about to change any time soon, While I'm not always happy, I'm ok with whatever comes along, and I am certain that when it does hit, it's not going to be forever. That's a helluva lotta progress. More than I ever dared to dream of, once. And...well, damn. I'm pretty fucking proud of it.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
It's been so long since I've even thought about my blog, I had to do an account recovery just to log in!
at 10:26 AM
Monday, August 05, 2013
I think, after a nice one year break, it's time to pick myself back up, and carry on.
I always say that "not a lot" has gone on, but it's always untrue. Life is busy, and that's the long and short of it.
After reading my last post, taking the time to update the theme & layout here, and deleting any spammers who've visited, I'm ready to continue where I left off.
I've had this blog for 9 years now. Amazing. I've always loved journaling, mainly because I want to ensure I remember what happens in the course of my life, otherwise (and this is a symptom of my childhood) I forget.
So, it's mid-summer here, and we're living back in Clearwater. I'm growing a garden, and staying at home with the kids. I'm finding that I love, more and more, being mom. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed it. I appreciate the little things, but enjoying things for what they are is a different story.
While I'm no longer disappointed with my plans from last year around this time, i"m trying to work on what I'd like for my future. I turn 32 this year. Older than I ever thought I'd get...though I'm saying that more so now because I'm past 30.
D, my oldest, is 11 year old this year. That was a breakthrough year for me, when things really started taking a turn for the worse. The age I started smoking, the age I started noticing boys, and the age I knew I didn't want my life that way but felt helpless to stop it. I hadn't come out of my shell yet, or acknowledged that I was anything but ugly, and was hideously self-conscious of everything I did.
I think having children of my own, watching them grow, and seeing their own behavior at each age has really help me to overcome my own thoughts about how I grew up. I've discussed some of these thoughts with friends, and my Mr, but I really have so much in my head about it, I'm unsure I'll ever discuss all of it fully.
My latest hobby is building. I've started a pallet collection and have been building whatever tickles my fancy. It's enjoyable, and physical, and my kids enjoy helping me with this. I'm gardening. A new venture for me, with us being chronic renters. I've put my foot down and explained that since this is an avenue I want to explore, we're not moving for at least another year. This gives me time to watch the garden grow, discover planting and weeding, annuals and perennials, and how to care for plants in general. It's been wonderful. I've really taken to spending quiet mornings alone in my garden. Both ventures are helping me renew the confidence I once had in myself, and subsequently lost following my break down. I knew, when I had my breakdown, that since it had taken years for it to happen, it would probably take years to gain it back. I'm grateful I'm a patient person.
at 11:12 AM
Thursday, October 04, 2012
I feel like I've been playing catch-up for a while now.
September breezed on by, and I survived it.
We moved from Salmon Arm back to Clearwater, and after a month of bunking in with friends, are now back into a place of our own.
My schooling fell through, and I am now attempting my back-up plan.
The kids are in school, and are making adjustments when neccesary.
I feel kind of lost. It was a great summer, but when it came time to shut it down, I feel like I got kind of hosed, because all of the plans we had made fell through. That's typical for us though. I guess that is a strong sign that we're making the wrong choices.
I'm working on being introspective, as I know there are a lot os things that have been bubbling beneath the surface of late, but I'm having trouble placing my finger on just one, or any for that matter. I don't feel right, or crazy happy. In fact, I feel a little lonely. This is one of those signs I really need to pay attention to, and try my hardest to remedy. The problem right now being that it's Thanksgiving weekend this weekend. Everyone is busy. This is the time where families join together, and enjoy each others' company, or the ones you love share it with you. We're not doing that again this year. I believe this is partly what's bothering me.
Another part is trying to get myself to find a hobby that interests me. Sewing, for me, was always a favorite past-time, but it's been ages since I've sat down & actually enjoyed being creative for the sake of creativity. I miss that. I stopped taking photos long ago, and no longer find any interest in seeing myself on anything or in any shared moment. I think a big issue for me right now is how I feel about myself.
Since having my plans crumble, and not being able to achieve what I had set out to do at the beginning of the summer, I feel rather lost. I had set a path in place, and it just didn't work out. I know I need to continue trying, or finding new avenues to explore, but I guess you could say I'm moping. I'm wallowing. SO not attractive, I know.
A genuine lack of inspiration, and a feeling of being stuck have left me in a state that I'd rather not be in at all.
at 1:47 PM
Saturday, August 11, 2012
It's been a long, but short, summer. Ya know?
It flies by when I least expect it, but drags on when we need to go from one place to the next, and it's filled with UGH moments.
We've been active, busy, and have done our utmost to enjoy the freedom of the season.
Softball, swimming, hiking, exploring, white water rafting, movies, gardening, building, bonfires, baking and more.
It's amazing the range of activities we get up to when we put our minds to having fun.
Even though we've been busy, and we've had lots of fun so far, I'm ready to settle back in Salmon Arm, in my own home, and get ready for the new School Year. Living out of a suitcase, after all, is rather difficult.
at 8:01 PM
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Between the last blog post and now:
I have applied for, been accepted to & have begun my search for funding for College.
Volunteered as much as possible at my boys' school.
Gained new insight into my own personal strengths.
Identified goals that are important to me, and have begun the steps to achieve them.
Narrowed my expanse of personal expectations, and have come to accept that I may not neccesarily meet them all, but I will be a work in progress.
Enjoyed being a part of my local community.
Let my anger slip away, and have come to terms with what I've survived through.
Made some positive, life-changing decisions.
Taken a long look at my battle with depression, and have come to understand much more about the darker side of myself.
Celebrated my youngest' 6th Birthday.
Celebrated my Mr's 32nd Birthday.
Celebrated the life of my Father-In-Law on our first Father's Day without him.
Discovered that this loss was not only significant to my husband, but to myself as well...but for different reasons.
Made some changes in our home life to affect our family positively.
Attended a dizzying array of meetings, consultations, and groups to get a better hold of how I can direct my family into a more comfortable zone, and focus on the priorities that lay ahead.
Moved out of our house that we were renting, as we will be travelling too much this summer to actually live in it.
Started looking for a new place to rent, as I need something a bit closer to the boys' school to manage our combined schedules.
Hit the road with the family, taking a nice adventure for the summer.
I've liked to say, for many years now, that there is never a dull moment in our family. I've seen a number of unexpected surprises, and have managed to roll with the punches and make the best of things. This doesn't mean I'm the happy-go-lucky-cheerleader-type, but rather the optimist who chooses to see the bright side of things. I have found my strength in this to be invaluable. This has allowed me to once again find my place in my family as a piece of solidarity, and confidence. It has also allowed me to rely more on my Mr, and strengthened our relationship because of it.
Significant personal growth has been the result of the entire last 18 months of depression, and turmoil.
Somehow, I've come out of the gloom into a much brighter light and into a much clearer defined me.
This summer I will be celebrating myself.
Then, when the fall comes, I will be celebrating that I have finally taken a step for myself that I've put off for far too long.
I'll be sure to pop by & post some pictures along the way ;)
at 5:17 AM
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Well, life is underway.
Mr has been working steadily with the local School District, after getting some final paperwork in order. He's also begun attending lodge here with the local Masons, and is excited to not only be accepted and welcomed with open arms, but to be sponsored to continue his learning within.
H is doing wonderfully in school, and as a reading assessment has been done, we've determined he's reading a full year ahead of his current age. He's got friends galore, and always greets me with a smile on his face after school.
D has made many friends in class, after months of our continued worries that it wasn't going to happen. His 10th birthday came and went with Spring Break. We hosted a pool party for him at the local Rec Center, which was followed by a Sleepover, with 6 boys attending. I've never seen so much food eaten by such a group!! D was thrilled with everything he received, and is enjoying his new age.
I have signed up for A Human Service Work Diploma program at the local College in town. A 2 year Diploma, I'm currently studying for the tests I need to take to qualify to enter. This is the first step I've taken on my own to futher my education, and I'm very excited. It's not just something I saw that might be interesting, it's something I want, and without a doubt will obtain, come hell or high water.
I've also been hired by the local School District to sub as an Aboriginal Education Worker, whenever they need me. Truthfully, though, I'm not pushing the envelope to work there right away.
When I contemplate my journey thus far, I'm constantly surprised at how far I've come.
While I'm still suffering from depression, it's not nearly as bad as it was this time last year. Last year I was binge drinking round this time, isolating, and withdrawing. I'm reaching out more, filling my days that allow me at least one trip oout of the house per day, and have set my expectations appropriately for myself. While I'm not the clean freak I used to be, I still manage to keep a handle on my housework, and shed my guilt for not being able to do as much as I used to.
I'm still seeing a counsellor to help me work through the things that are there, and am receiving support from friends I've made through the school.
While life isn't great everyday, it's manageable, and I feel more normal than I have in ages. The suicidal thoughts that had dominated my brain for so long, I won't tell you how long, are so quiet I hardly even notice them anymore.
The sun has come out, and we've begun exploring the local area with hiking and driving. The kids truly enjoy collecting bits of nature while we go exploring, and have amassed a collection of various items since we started. I love watching their curiosity.
So, to sum it up, I'm feeling good, and life is moving along at such a pace, I can hardly keep up. But, at least I can try.
at 10:46 AM