Not Enough Words

Lots to say, not enough words.
Had a decent enough weekend at Gramma's house. Was fun and relaxing, as it should.
All that being said, there was a serious cloud being left over. A serious, life altering cloud.
My thoughts have been swirling between shock, and disbelief.
The kind of thing that will slowly change my outlook on myself. Once it absorbs and I figure it out, that is.
I feel stupid, because it's obvious to me now. I was naive. I am bewildered.
It was nice to spend a weekend away from the house, and not have to worry about cleaning up after ourselves obsessively (though we haven't been doing that cause I haven't been pushing it quite so hard). We went hunting (but didn't get anything), and enjoyed the atmosphere. Gramma even gave me a wedding band in replacement for the ones I had to have cut off.
We'll be looking into getting D involved in a Rock Climbing Club as well as a Mixed Martial Arts club. Might be interesting.
Been feeling slightly overbooked, and that may be a major factor in my stress levels of late, which, of course, affects my energy levels, and the way my body has been functioning. Suffice to say that I am all out of whack.

I love my cell phone. I haven't had it all that long, and I'm totally dependent on it now. It's my day planner, calculator, phone & address book, and it keeps me in touch for those stupid questions that I need to ask when I'm at the store. I also sleep with my cell phone...but that's because it my alarm clock too ;o) I keep thinking, gosh, what a brilliant little gadget. I'm addicted. I've even started mobile pictures and sending them to my Facebook account.

Hunter has learned his ABC's at pre-school (something he never really attempted while we sang it to him) and has thoroughly enjoyed singing the whole song to us repeatedly over the weekend. We'll be looking at maybe getting H into daycare at least once a week for a few hours, because he loves it, and because we have such a busy schedule it really does require it.

I'm hoping the road smoothes itself out over the next little while. I'm praying for the strength to endure what I can see coming my way. I'm praying for the patience to understand what will be forcing it's way, soon enough, into my brain and heart and soul. God help me, and please keep us together through what we are about to face.

It's a Bronze Year

Tomorrow is my Mr's and my 8th wedding anniversary.
Traditional gifts say that it's a Bronze year.
Hmm...
Modern Gifts say that it's the year for Linens and Lace.
Hmm...
I wonder if I could get that all in one kinky package? LOL
Anyways.

Happy Anniversary love, I hope you know just how much you mean to me. You are the person that I turn to every day for advice, my solid rock to lean on, and the person that I dream of every night. You've always been my knight in shining armor, and I'm glad I met you, because you are truly the person who rescued me, and saved my life. I'm always amazed at just how much we've been through together, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you each and every day I wake up next to you.

As for us, well, we're headed to Gramma's for a weekend away from all of the hubub that's been getting us down of late. A much needed vacation together as a family. Time to relax and enjoy.
Did I mention that my place of work made the local TV today? Well, we had a show called Roberts on the Road come in and tape a spot with us in the middle of our crazy lunch rush. I'm expecting it to be a huge success and a big boost for business. I think it's supposed to air two weeks from tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, and I'll letcha know if there's a link.

Why Optimism?

I am an optimist. I've been an optimist since I seen the need for one in my family (or maybe all my life).
Why then, am I having trouble getting out of bed each morning?
Why then am I feeling so tired by midday (regardless of caffeine intake) that I really need a moment to pick myself back up enough to keep moving?
Why then, am I so tired of my husband's voice that I'd rather watch a movie, play on the computer, sleep, or ignore him all together, than actually have a conversation with him?
Why would I rather just let my kids have their own way for the evening than bother with fussing and putting them to bed by a decent time?
Why don't I care when there's an accident in the middle of the night?
Why don't I care enough to pick up the toys that are strewn about, and would much rather step over them for the next week or so until I feel like making the kids pick them up?
Why am I starting to pick out of the plastics cupboard for my bowls, instead of doing the dishes?
Why is the laundry sitting in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor, with the occasional footprint on a stray item because I could care less about putting it away?
I seem to have lost sight of the reason for my unfailing optimism. I've lost hope, clarity, and faith that things will get better eventually. I don't want eventually, I just want it to end. Period.
I'm tired of trying to find room in my mother's house for me, and my 3 other family members. I'm tired of cramming thing sin closets, under beds, on shelves, and in random places because they don't have a home.
I'm tired of cooking.
I'm tired of constantly cleaning up after my kids because I'm so afraid that any mess they make will bring down the wrath of parents who are as fed up of living with us, as we are of them.
I'm tired of shushing my kids when they get excited, upset, or just plain feel like being kids.
I'm tired of telling them they can't do something because this house isn't our and I don't want them ruining anything.
I'm tired of relying on other folks to keep me afloat.
I'd sleep with the entire fucking city if it meant that my kids could have a place of their own, and actually be comfortable. I'd rob a bank if it meant that I could stop answering my kids with "I'm sorry honey, that's stored at Ama's in Washington because we don't have room for it here". I'd sell my soul if it meant that my children wouldn't have to struggle like I am now. I'd seriously just take some blunt metal instrument to myself right now if it wasn't for the fact that that's exactly what I'd be giving them if I did it. A life of struggle.
I'm an optimist because I have to be. I have to believe that there is a reason for this. I have to believe that it will all work out. I have to believe that someday it will give someone a chuckle, or an epiphany. If I don't, I'd give us all some Kool-Aid and call it a day.

I Love Halloween

I'm a Die Hard Halloween Fan. Always have been. I've always loved dressing up, carving pumpkins, and decorating. It's a make believe world, that nearly everyone participates in, at least for one whole day.
It's my favorite holiday, hands down.
So, naturally, I go all out. I go all out with treats, costumes, and decorations. I try my best to make it as enjoyable for everyone as I possibly can. I want to stick to people's memories because I did such a great job.
I made Orange-O-Lanterns for D's class treat this year (my third year making them). The Staff at the school loved them, and so did the kids.I made D his Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Costume, and the adults love it (not the kids so much, because not all of them have seen Ghostbusters), and so does D. He's spending as much time in it as he can...reading books, watching tv, and playing with his brother. I do need to remove it for bedtime though, sadly. He's so excited about it he shines when he talks about it, and gets this smile on his face when he thinks about it.That's why I go all out. This is my tradition. No store bought costumes allowed.

Half Nekkid Thursday

Polka Dots are fun ;o)

I Love My Kids

What a week it's been. Got my decorations from MIL, and put some up. Not all, mind you. I just don't have the energy to put them all up...yet.
I've noticed a complete lack of energy on my part, and it's bothersome.
Am busy making D's costume here, in the wee hours of the night.
Did I mention we're being a family of Ghostbusters? Yeah...this is what D's gonna be:Been chuckling at a few things. Last Language class (we're taking a class to learn the Okanagan Native Language), H was asked to hand a paper and a pen to someone, and after handing over the paper he began to walk away. My mom reminded him to give the pen over too, and he said "Where's the pen?" and proceeded to look all around him and under himself (picture him bending over to look both between his legs and under each foot carefully, as well as turning in a circle). Mom caught it first and started laughing, and I was soon to follow. When he realized we were laughing at him he caught on too. He started chuckling and said "I'm silly", because he had been holding it in his hand all along.
A couple of nights ago, while driving me to Cub Scouts for D, H was in the backseat asking question after question about where we were going and what we were doing. My mom was kindly answering him, and after a few responses she started ending them in "sweetie". He asked "Where are we going?", and she responded with "We're taking mommy to D's school, sweetie". He then repeated "We're going to D's school, sweetie?" He caught himself, and chuckled saying "You're not sweetie, I'm sweetie".
After watching D in the Beaver program here, I was unimpressed with how they structure it. Maybe I'm picky, have high standards, or am having trouble letting go of the reigns, but after paying $175 for him to enter the program, I'm unimpressed with the level of teaching they provide. It was bordering on chaos, and for having so many adults there able to step up their monitoring more, it was kind of silly.
I asked Mr to inquire about their level of structure, and whether this would be the norm or not. Their response was to say they do the bare minimum to get them their stuff from the book, and do play time the rest of the time. For $175, we're essentially paying for nice camping and feild trips, and a totally corny uniform.
After speaking with the leaders we found out there's another branch of the group in our vicinity that runs their group "Drill Sargeant" style. Now that's what I'm accustomed to. Our last Pack Leader was an ex-Air Force guy, and knew how to keep the kids in check. After considering my options, I knew what I would choose, but wanted to include D in the final decision.
After telling him about my comparasion and thoughts, he said he's much rather do the "Drill Sargeant" style, because he could learn more. He even said it before I had a chance to completely finish the comparasion.
Makes me teary just remembering it.
After all our fighting and struggling to get him out the door all those times, and the hassel it was, and the stress we put ourselves under to make sure everyone was learning as much as possible, and the tension we put up with when we weren't meeting other parents' standards, and everything else...I just remember thinking it was sort of a lost cause. I thought the entire time we put in as Den Leaders was going to be something he just didn't care about.
Turns out he'd rather do it the other way, and learn something, rather than just playing around. he prefers it that way.
They started a school reading program for the students. They're trying to encourage reading from each student, and are having a school-wide challenge to reach a certain number of books read by the end of the school year. D has read 32 so far (already meeting his fulfillment). He brings home two each night, and more on weekends, and reads them all. He reads out loud ot us, to himself quietly, and everywhere in the house you can imagine. Behind the couch, in the bathroom, under the bed, in the window, on his bed...you name it, I've caught him reading there.
He just makes me so flipping proud when he flaunts his responsibility and maturity.