Ah F*** It

It's been a long weekend.
It was an eventful week.
Mr is working his way through the small amount that is the acting world in K-Town. He was cast as an extra for a house party scene in a teen horror flick being shot in town. He spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday on the set in the evenings. Thursday night I allowed him to drag myself and a couple of friends along. They left before the shooting began, a full four hours after we got there. I was pretty tired and near useless on Friday.
The owners left town this weekend, and left us chickens to run the cafe. Saturday I officially lost it at work for the first time since we started. I was flustered and near useless again. I'm blaming a low blood sugar, as I hadn't really eaten before the meltdown happened. Thank goodness I had a fabulous group of co-workers to help me out afterwards. One sat with me and made sure I ate, one took care of the register, and one made the food. Each took turns checking in on me.
For the second weekend in a row, one of our boys is sick and throwing up. The only person who hasn't been sick in the house now is Mr. I'm hoping it stays that way.
Making a checklist of things to do tomorrow during the day before I head to work. Put up the Christmas Tree, decorate a bit, call a therapist and make an appointment, cut out what I'd like to make for gifts for Christmas, and possibly plan how I'd like to do our Christmas Cards for the year.
I'm tired, and that eggshell feeling has reared it's ugly head again. My coping mechanisms haven't really improved either, causing a fabulous rift in the relationship between Mr & I. I don't want to talk about what's going on, and I don't want to try and explain anything. The few times I've tried have resulted in me feeling so frustrated that it's not getting through that I just stomp away like a child. Yup...I'm just not up to the task to deal with everything that built up during the time I was focusing on myself. Unfortunately, the world does not revolve around me, as I'd like to believe. Also, it doesn't just stop like I'd like it to. There's no time to mix everything in the pot and let it simmer cause with what's poking out right now really needs to be dealt with before anything gets worse that it already is. And it's bad enough to make me want to function at a very basic survival level. I seriously don't even remember what happens during my day to do, I really only get up and function and go back to sleep.
Monday we're having a meeting with the Principal & teacher @ D's school. Should be interesting.
And the shit just keeps piling up. Here's hoping I can figure out a way to manage it all before I have myself a breakdown.

I'm thoroughly addicted to my phone. Might as well fuse it to my left hand. When I'm away from my Mr, I'm sending him quick messages, or pictures like this one to let him know what we're up to at home.
And tis the season where I can bake as many cookies as I want to and no one can say anything about it. I kicked this season off with my Mr's fav Buckeye's. Was surprised when I brought them to work and they disappeared in 30 minutes flat.

Cycles & Change

I made a pointed trip to the library last week with H on a day off that I had. I checked out what books they had on Sexual Abuse Survivors (a small amount, surprisingly). I've been browsing, reading, skimming, and skipping my way through them. Gathering information on what seems to be a usual process.
I keep flopping back and forth between "God why is this taking SO long??" and "I don't think I can do this", and "Ok, what's next on the checklist?".
I can see myself failing in the communication department. I feel pushing all around me, and when I don't want to move quite so fast or try quite so hard I clam up and run away.
That is my cycle.
When I don't want to rush something, and just take my time to deal with something and I feel pressured to go faster, I just stop.
I was pregnant with H, and my boss wanted me to work straight through until I didn't get a clear ok from my Dr. I didn't feel up to the task of doing my job as a home care aide anymore after reaching a certain size by a certain time. I literally just stopped going to work. I stopped taking her calls, emails, and snail mail. I just stopped. I stayed at home and slept a lot, and I didn't really get anything done.
While trying to work my way through my marital problems a few years ago I was feeling pressured to discuss a certain topic and rather than dealing with it I loaded it on the forget it pile and shoveled it away.
While volunteering for the PAC in Ohio, I was supposed to send out Thank You letters as soon as I received a donation from a company, and instead, I waited until just before we left Ohio to ship them off.
Obviously, I'm in need of a new coping mechanism. it's not my intention to shy away from things, I just sort of let it happen. I keep saying "I'll get to it" and then with each new reminder I just keep saying this to myself.
This is an emotional cycle that I keep dredging up, and I'd really like to change it.
I have, in the past, used physical cycles as well. Take the cheating behaviour I exhibited in past relationships and the rampant promiscueity.
I used sex as a tool to both temporarily make myself feel better, and to degrade myself. I did it dangerously too. If I had to count the number of partners that I can remember that number would be far too high for me to want to admit out loud. Add to that the number of folk who were aware of what they were doing while I was not, and you've got a significantly higher number. I did it because it made me feel special in the moment. That special and accepted feeling never lasted beyond their climax. I did it because it made me feel just as disgusting outside as I did inside. I truly wished I could match them up, and did my damnedest to make it happen.
By the time I had dropped out of high school in my 9th grade year (14 to you folk who don't get that term), I had a most horrendous reputation that led to sexual harassment in my own school halls. Word had spread about my behaviour, and the guys were always bugging me, not to mention their popular girlfriends. I gave up trying to fight people off, and instead decided to drop out. I decided to run away from the rumors, and behaviours, rather than stick up for myself. I decided to get as far away as I could...and then I met my 1st husband.

I've been talking about cycles here, and how I really just don't want to keep repeating past behaviours. While I don't see myself honestly repeating the behaviours, I can totally see myself trying to repeat the emotional cycles here. I'm shutting down, and diverting my attention elsewhere, which is kind of alarming, and sort of disappointing on the same token. I'm having some toruble working my way up to contacting someone for help. Come to think of it, I've always found it difficult to ask people for help (whole 'nother story).

D & Mr were supposed to be away for the weekend to go to Cub Scout camp but came back early because poor D was sick. It was the first time he was throwing up in his 7 years (he's don't it sporradically after motion or chocking) and he was kind of traumatized by it. I actually wound up taking him to the ER, but that was because all of the clinics were closed. He's ok, we figured maybe a swiftbout of food poisoning got to him. Sending him off to school again tomorrow.
Gotta find time to sit down and figure out what I'm buying ppl for X-mas this year, or maybe what I'm going to make them.
Distraction distraction distractions.

Havin Fun

Wow. Went out with some friends last night, after waiting since my Birthday to do so. Was so much fun, and I had a blast.
Met some ppl from Australia, and made some new acquaintances.
I've discovered that I can email my pictures from my phone to my email. Yay! I've been making do with editing my pictures with just the software on my phone, and I'm happy that I can now do it on my comp.
In any event, I was very happy to finally catch a break and find a reason to smile for a while.
Mr & D go off to Cub Scout Camp this weekend, and this will mark the first weekend where the cafe I work at is open on Sundays, which means I work straight through the weekend. I'm just glad it'll make this next pay decent enough for Christmas. We're planning a party at work, for staff and fav customers. Can't wait. I'm smiling today, despite how tired I really am, but I'm betting I'm gonna be bagged tonight!

Half Nekkid Thursday

There are things that I just love about my Mr. One of them is how he holds me.

My Basket

And now for a break from the dreary.
I've been trying my hardest (sometimes I have a shift at work) to make it to Okanagan Language Class each Monday eve.
I started taking these classes years ago, and always seem to taper off for one reason or another. I now remember some words, but have no idea how to make a conversation out of it.
This years classes have been such a blast to attend, that I'm really disappointed when I can't join in. I went lastnight, with my mom and H. They served two different kinds of stew, Salmon, and Elk/Deer Stew. Oh so yummy. After we finished eating, worked on some words, we moved on to learn some traditional techniques in Basket Weaving. Oh what fun I had!! I've always wanted to learn how to make baskets, and I excelled at it! We chatted with each other, teased each other, chuckled & giggled at our abilities (or lack, thereof), and just relaxed while enjoying the company.
I'm really working hard to make sure we stay a part of the community here, and make a name for ourselves that brings to mind respect.
Anyways, as I was weaving I was dreaming of the possibilities this newfound hobby could make. From survival gear, to harvesting aides, to fancy gift baskets for family and friends. *sigh* I wonder if I'll actually give it a go?