We decided to make the most of what little itty bitty amount of snow we had. We seized the opportunity to wear out the kids by doing some fun, hard work. We went sledding.
As you can see, there really wasn't much to work with, but it was just enough to have a sled load of fun.
Lots swirling in my head since everyone headed for home. Been fighting of a serious bout of discouragement. Searching for another reason to hope...grasping at the straws. Finding a reason to smile every day is becoming a great challenge, but I haven't given up yet.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
at 2:37 PM
Saturday, December 26, 2009
I'm alive and well, having a fabulous time with my many visiting family members.
This is what my holidays are about, and it's difficult for me to express just how happy it makes me feel, without become extremely teary eyed. Mystifying how that happens even when there's no onions being sliced...
We've been playing video games, board games, card games, dice games...eating, watching movies, and just enjoying each others company in general.
As far as I know this hasn't happened since I left for Ohio two years ago.
My MIL bought me an updated version of then Encyclopedia of Body Building by Arnold Schwarzenegger (drooling over all the info in it, and pics), and my aunt got me an External Hard drive. I can't express just how excited I am over both of these gifts. Amazing, really. I also got some great leg warmers, movie passes, scratch & wins, smut magazines (you know, US & People), and a mini bottle of rum I fully intend to carry in my new purse, just in case. I also got some wonderful jewelry from my boys.
I've been cooking, baking, and cleaning like the dickens...but I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I mean actually smiling to myself when I do it, because it means I'm surrounded by the ones I love. The ones that are fully supporting me and my poor ass, moping, non-working ways.
I love my family, and I finally feel like things are just as they should be.
Our washing machine broke down the other day as I went to toss in some soiled blankets. Shit. Mr, being the amazing mechanical genius he is, fixed it tonight by replacing a belt for only $25. Seriously, he wonders why we keep asking him to fix things. I told him tonight it was because he has the ability to look up the directions and comprehend them to fix whatever needs fixing. He's so great that way.
I seriously could not be any happier, and these past few days will definitely stick out in my memory for a long time.
at 11:18 PM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I'm so excited. The rest of my family members will be arriving tomorrow to help us celebrate the holidays. I'm positively squirming with excitement. Dunno how I'm going to sleep tonight.
I'm nearly finished my gift making. Just have one more thing left to make and it's a done deal.
Yay for holiday visiting!
at 11:44 PM
Monday, December 21, 2009
How does one balance themselves? Do normal people come automatically balanced and know how to function in a normal relationship?
I've always wondered what it would be like to be normal.
You know, the type of folk who don't attract drama, who don't make hasty decisions, who aren't spontaneous, and who automatically come with a built in crises that's prone to erupting at the worst possible time.
Yes, that was a dramatic description, but you get my drift.
What would it be like to have a Christmas that I don't need to fret about because I'd actually have more money to spend?
What would it be like to have a vehicle that doesn't break down (I personally don't believe they exist)?
I took H for a walk today, as both boys were fixing to drive me bonkers. It was a misty rain outside, and we couldn't see town from the road we were on (unusual, because normally we can). We walked for just over an hour (don't worry,I brought the stroller) and he didn't stop talking the entire time. How is it that a 3 year old can possibly have so much to say that it can occupy an entire hour straight??
Darius gave me a hug and wiggled me from side to side, and when I gazed at him with a perplexed look on my face he said "I like jiggling the baby" "I mean belly!"
I'm stressing again. I really wish I could take some sort of class that could teach me a better coping mechanism, instead of having the stress I endure affect my body the ways that it does. This shit can get rather tiresome when the stress decides to make itself a permanent residence in my life. Do I breath? Do I rubb a pressure point? Do I say woosahhh?
I'd love to be able to eat without feelin unfomfortable. I'd love to be able to keep food at normal levels instead of fluxuating with the stress levels.
I know it may be bad to say, but 2009 was a real tough year.
If you think of it this way (and it was rather embaressing to admit to my Dr when I discussed the bodily issues I'm having), I've been in a constant state of stress since April. That's 9 months worth of stress folks. One big thing or another. I have to wonder when my body is just going to say "enough of you I'm going on vacation".
I need to contact Labour Standards tomorrow because I've yet to receive my last pay, and it was due before Saturday. I was hoping I could get away without having to contact them any further about anything. No such luck.
I hope I get a clothes shaver for Christmas, the sweater I'm wearing right now really needs it...
at 2:53 AM
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I am getting my ass handed to me on a platter.
I'm weak, my tummy is gurgling 24/7, and I can't decide whether I want to toss my cookies, or never stop eating. Did I mention I have a fever that's making me feel so cold that I'm shivering, despite all of the blankets placed upon me?
I'm sick folks. I've spent my entire day watching movies in bed or on the couch. I've been sitting fairly close to a bucket, and spontaneously dozing when I can handle having my eyes closed and trust that my world isn't going to flip upside down on me.
My oldest is sick with me. He missed his Christmas Concert because he's so sick. Fever so high his legs ache and he can hardly walk, he's lost his voice, and the Dr has prescribed an inhaler to help clear his lungs. I don't even want to admit how much his two Dr's visit cost me. At the current moment my oldest is only covered for Dentists visits, and prescriptions (thank god for that), but not actually Dr visits. We're still applying for that. Nothing like a bunch of sickos to remind you to do something of great importance.
All this and I still haven't found a replacement job. If it's possible to feel sorry for myself during this time, I surely do.
Trying to keep my chin up, thought it's rather difficult when the only way I can stay relatively warm is when I'm completely covered with only my little nose pokin out for air.
I hope this is the last of it, cause this makes it twice everyone has had this sickness. We sanitized yesterday, please just let this be all...
at 10:42 PM
Monday, December 14, 2009
I had a good day today.
It started with an appointment with a new therapist (that's a whole post in it's own, remind me, please), and was followed by a nice jaunt in the mall with a friend. As she happened to be an ex-co-worker we discussed the happenings, and then carried on shopping. I was glad I was able to help her buy the gifts she wanted without spending as much as she had originally budgeted for. I'd like to think it's a knack, LOL.
Whilst at the mall, I dropped off a resume at a place that does Alterations. It would rock if I got a job as a seamstress. I'm definitely crossing my fingers.
She came and picked up D from school with me, and joined me while D went for appt., and we got to spend an extra hour together while we waited. We even bumped into a regular from the cafe. I, of course, informed him he wouldn't be seeing me there anymore, and told him to give me his number because he was one of my fav's who had actually joined us ladies for a drink last weekend. He makes me laugh, and he reminds me of a big teddy bear (in other words, I trust him).
I'm really looking forward to spending more time with folk like this.
I'm making cupcakes for D's school, as his school Winter Concert is tomorrow, and they're having a bake sale. Mr will be making chocolate chip cookies. Keep an eye out for Handsome boy pix.
Mr is planning on spending his day tomorrow upgrading his Firefighting skills by taking a Bucking & Sawing Chainsaw course, while I do some volunteer gift wrapping at the local rec center for the Christmas shin dig we'll be attending on Thursday eve.
I dunno if I've said it enough, but I love being such a big part of my community. There was a time when I felt like an outsider, and after I had H, I figured if I tried hard enough I could work my way in eventually. I'm happy to say that I've reached that goal and then some, and I truly enjoy being in their company. They are all a joy to be around, and each and every one of them make me smile when I see them.
I had a good day today. And I really needed it.
at 10:11 PM
Sunday, December 13, 2009
It's safe to say I've been simmering the events of yesterday, brewing and brooding and processing. After all that thought, I have still come to the conclusion that I did the right thing...for me.
I'll explain from both points of view.
They were upset that I keep breaking their dishes, and that I've been late this past month.
I'll admit, since beginning, I have broken more dishes than anyone else, but not intentionally, and it's not by doing anything different than anyone else...it just sort of happens. I've probably broken about 4-5 in the past two months.
I've been late this past month (not everyday, mind you) due to personal reasons, and I didn't share that with them. In fact, they really don't know a whole lot about me, or my family, because I chose to be professional and do my best not to bring my personal issues in to work. Unfortunately, I let the very issues I kept out of the picture, get the better of me this past month.
So, to the events of Saturday morning:
I was cleaning a table after some patrons had gone. I was moving a salt shaker from one table to the next to clean the table off, and it slipped out from my fingers, between the tables, hit the floor, and shattered (they're made of porcelain). I sighed, and said "I can't believe I did that". As I stooped over to pick up the bigger pieces the boss lady (it's owned by a couple) walks out, looks directly at the remaining 3 adult customers (they had 2 kids with them) and says with a smile on her face "She breaks a dish every time she's here", and walks back in to the kitchen.
I felt myself turning red all over, and tried really hard to hide my embarrassment. I was very close to tears, and wanted to avoid an emotional display, so did my best to keep moving. After I finished picking up the bigger pieces, I walked to the back to get the broom, and as I reached for it, the boss man came stalking around the corner and gets in my face to say "You can't keep breaking dishes!". I smiled, and was going to apologize, but he cut me off by saying "It's not fucking funny! If you're taking too big of a load back set it down and take them in two separate loads. That shit is expensive!" Then he stalked away.
Never in my life have I ever felt so demeaned, humiliated, and shamed by my employer.
Now, I finished cleaning up, and went about as usual, but by the time 20 minutes went by I was shaking because I was so angry. I requested a word with both of them, and when I got the chance, I told them "I understand that I break a lot of dishes, and you're more than welcome to take the cost from my pay (to which they both said no), but I think it was really unfair of you to declare that I break something every time I'm here (to which they replied that yes, it was an exaggeration). I also don't think that it was appropriate for you to swear at me for an accident." It's at this point where my anger could have shown in my eyes, though I kept my voice even. As I was standing, and they were both sitting far lower than I, I can imagine I may have put forth some sort of strong vibe, and the response was reciprocated. After I stated this, his response was "I swear, deal with it". I told them to have a great day, and that they could mail my last pay to me, and walked out. On my way he called out the door "We don't need that kind of attitude here anyways".
I was shaking by the time I got about 100 feet away, and was near tears. I had to pause to put my coat on, and dig out my phone. When I finally got to it I was crying, and fumbling for the stupid buttons to get it turned on because I had gotten a ride there, and was without a vehicle. I phoned home, and my Mr answered, and I told him to have someone come and get me because I had just quit. I walked to the meeting place, shaking, crying, and barely registering the cold.
Now, after all is said and done, I'm without a job just before Christmas, and to make matter worse, the Head Gasket is blown on our truck. I'm grateful that I started my shopping early, and have managed a few gifts for the boys that I know they'll like, but what the fuck am I doing?? Who, honestly, quits a job just before Christmas?
Now, they claim that I'm late 40% more than the other employees, but they didn't give me a time frame. In the first two months I was always 5-10 minutes early. It was only this last month that I was slipping. The boss man claims that seeing me come in late all the time just kind of brewed up to him bursting out at me yesterday. His justification for swearing at me is being irritated that I've been late.
Boss lady had been snarky at me all morning yesterday. I can't imagine what I did to provoke it, but at one point, when I put an order through (there's a comp on both side, kitchen & front) and she plated it, I didn't see he rplate it until it was up. It was then I told her it was a to go order. Her response was "You could've told me that before I plated it!". I was busy doing my job, and even though there's a special indicator on the board to let them know if it's to stay or to go, she still expected me to call back that it was to go.
In all honesty, there hasn't been a whole lot of friendly juju going on between us the past week or so, now that I think about it.
They've claimed I can still have my job if I want it, and they they didn't want to loose me. As far as they were concerned it was just an incident.
I'm standing my ground. Though it probably doesn't mean much to them, it means the world to me. I've let them know that that sort of behavior is not ok, and I'm walking away from a situation that could forseeably get worse.
Truthfully, after processing, I'm proud that I stood up for what I felt was right. I do not tolerate people swearing at me, especially over a silly accident that could've happened to anyone. It wasn't professionally handled by either one of them. From the day they hired me they've been doing nothing but preaching professional to all of their employees, and in the end they showed an extreme lack of their own medicine.
I'm disappointed, because I truly loved my job. I'm disappointed, because I looked up to them. I'm disappointed because instead of being able to calmy rectify the situation with a simple I'm sorry (as I surely said a number of times before I walked out), they merely pointed the finger at any place but themselves, and that truly shows what sort of people and leaders they really are.
The kind you can never put faith in.
at 11:51 PM
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I'm sad to say that I quit my job today.
I feel ill, and have that awful pit in my stomach, that I'm hoping will fade in due time.
I also feel sad because I loved my job. All that being said, I won't sacrifice my emotional well being for someone who has no respect for those they employ.
I'll blog about it later, I have a Christmas shindig at a family members house to attend. I just hope I can make it through the day without another embarrassing break down.
at 1:11 PM
Friday, December 11, 2009
2. I love my home.
3. Sleigh bells ring whenever I pass those fancy Salvation Army kettles.
4. I wish I could take the rest of the year off, just a little.
5. Once more I'm planning a fantastic feast when the rest of my relatives arrive.
6. Are you sad to see this year end?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing some shopping, tomorrow my plans include working and Sunday, I want to enjoy a full shift at work!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
It's been a long weekend.
It was an eventful week.
Mr is working his way through the small amount that is the acting world in K-Town. He was cast as an extra for a house party scene in a teen horror flick being shot in town. He spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday on the set in the evenings. Thursday night I allowed him to drag myself and a couple of friends along. They left before the shooting began, a full four hours after we got there. I was pretty tired and near useless on Friday.
The owners left town this weekend, and left us chickens to run the cafe. Saturday I officially lost it at work for the first time since we started. I was flustered and near useless again. I'm blaming a low blood sugar, as I hadn't really eaten before the meltdown happened. Thank goodness I had a fabulous group of co-workers to help me out afterwards. One sat with me and made sure I ate, one took care of the register, and one made the food. Each took turns checking in on me.
For the second weekend in a row, one of our boys is sick and throwing up. The only person who hasn't been sick in the house now is Mr. I'm hoping it stays that way.
Making a checklist of things to do tomorrow during the day before I head to work. Put up the Christmas Tree, decorate a bit, call a therapist and make an appointment, cut out what I'd like to make for gifts for Christmas, and possibly plan how I'd like to do our Christmas Cards for the year.
I'm tired, and that eggshell feeling has reared it's ugly head again. My coping mechanisms haven't really improved either, causing a fabulous rift in the relationship between Mr & I. I don't want to talk about what's going on, and I don't want to try and explain anything. The few times I've tried have resulted in me feeling so frustrated that it's not getting through that I just stomp away like a child. Yup...I'm just not up to the task to deal with everything that built up during the time I was focusing on myself. Unfortunately, the world does not revolve around me, as I'd like to believe. Also, it doesn't just stop like I'd like it to. There's no time to mix everything in the pot and let it simmer cause with what's poking out right now really needs to be dealt with before anything gets worse that it already is. And it's bad enough to make me want to function at a very basic survival level. I seriously don't even remember what happens during my day to do, I really only get up and function and go back to sleep.
Monday we're having a meeting with the Principal & teacher @ D's school. Should be interesting.
And the shit just keeps piling up. Here's hoping I can figure out a way to manage it all before I have myself a breakdown.
at 5:37 PM
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
I'm thoroughly addicted to my phone. Might as well fuse it to my left hand. When I'm away from my Mr, I'm sending him quick messages, or pictures like this one to let him know what we're up to at home.
And tis the season where I can bake as many cookies as I want to and no one can say anything about it. I kicked this season off with my Mr's fav Buckeye's. Was surprised when I brought them to work and they disappeared in 30 minutes flat.
at 9:18 AM
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I made a pointed trip to the library last week with H on a day off that I had. I checked out what books they had on Sexual Abuse Survivors (a small amount, surprisingly). I've been browsing, reading, skimming, and skipping my way through them. Gathering information on what seems to be a usual process.
I keep flopping back and forth between "God why is this taking SO long??" and "I don't think I can do this", and "Ok, what's next on the checklist?".
I can see myself failing in the communication department. I feel pushing all around me, and when I don't want to move quite so fast or try quite so hard I clam up and run away.
That is my cycle.
When I don't want to rush something, and just take my time to deal with something and I feel pressured to go faster, I just stop.
I was pregnant with H, and my boss wanted me to work straight through until I didn't get a clear ok from my Dr. I didn't feel up to the task of doing my job as a home care aide anymore after reaching a certain size by a certain time. I literally just stopped going to work. I stopped taking her calls, emails, and snail mail. I just stopped. I stayed at home and slept a lot, and I didn't really get anything done.
While trying to work my way through my marital problems a few years ago I was feeling pressured to discuss a certain topic and rather than dealing with it I loaded it on the forget it pile and shoveled it away.
While volunteering for the PAC in Ohio, I was supposed to send out Thank You letters as soon as I received a donation from a company, and instead, I waited until just before we left Ohio to ship them off.
Obviously, I'm in need of a new coping mechanism. it's not my intention to shy away from things, I just sort of let it happen. I keep saying "I'll get to it" and then with each new reminder I just keep saying this to myself.
This is an emotional cycle that I keep dredging up, and I'd really like to change it.
I have, in the past, used physical cycles as well. Take the cheating behaviour I exhibited in past relationships and the rampant promiscueity.
I used sex as a tool to both temporarily make myself feel better, and to degrade myself. I did it dangerously too. If I had to count the number of partners that I can remember that number would be far too high for me to want to admit out loud. Add to that the number of folk who were aware of what they were doing while I was not, and you've got a significantly higher number. I did it because it made me feel special in the moment. That special and accepted feeling never lasted beyond their climax. I did it because it made me feel just as disgusting outside as I did inside. I truly wished I could match them up, and did my damnedest to make it happen.
By the time I had dropped out of high school in my 9th grade year (14 to you folk who don't get that term), I had a most horrendous reputation that led to sexual harassment in my own school halls. Word had spread about my behaviour, and the guys were always bugging me, not to mention their popular girlfriends. I gave up trying to fight people off, and instead decided to drop out. I decided to run away from the rumors, and behaviours, rather than stick up for myself. I decided to get as far away as I could...and then I met my 1st husband.
I've been talking about cycles here, and how I really just don't want to keep repeating past behaviours. While I don't see myself honestly repeating the behaviours, I can totally see myself trying to repeat the emotional cycles here. I'm shutting down, and diverting my attention elsewhere, which is kind of alarming, and sort of disappointing on the same token. I'm having some toruble working my way up to contacting someone for help. Come to think of it, I've always found it difficult to ask people for help (whole 'nother story).
D & Mr were supposed to be away for the weekend to go to Cub Scout camp but came back early because poor D was sick. It was the first time he was throwing up in his 7 years (he's don't it sporradically after motion or chocking) and he was kind of traumatized by it. I actually wound up taking him to the ER, but that was because all of the clinics were closed. He's ok, we figured maybe a swiftbout of food poisoning got to him. Sending him off to school again tomorrow.
Gotta find time to sit down and figure out what I'm buying ppl for X-mas this year, or maybe what I'm going to make them.
Distraction distraction distractions.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wow. Went out with some friends last night, after waiting since my Birthday to do so. Was so much fun, and I had a blast.
Met some ppl from Australia, and made some new acquaintances.
I've discovered that I can email my pictures from my phone to my email. Yay! I've been making do with editing my pictures with just the software on my phone, and I'm happy that I can now do it on my comp.
In any event, I was very happy to finally catch a break and find a reason to smile for a while.
Mr & D go off to Cub Scout Camp this weekend, and this will mark the first weekend where the cafe I work at is open on Sundays, which means I work straight through the weekend. I'm just glad it'll make this next pay decent enough for Christmas. We're planning a party at work, for staff and fav customers. Can't wait. I'm smiling today, despite how tired I really am, but I'm betting I'm gonna be bagged tonight!
at 9:27 AM
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
And now for a break from the dreary.
I've been trying my hardest (sometimes I have a shift at work) to make it to Okanagan Language Class each Monday eve.
I started taking these classes years ago, and always seem to taper off for one reason or another. I now remember some words, but have no idea how to make a conversation out of it.
This years classes have been such a blast to attend, that I'm really disappointed when I can't join in. I went lastnight, with my mom and H. They served two different kinds of stew, Salmon, and Elk/Deer Stew. Oh so yummy. After we finished eating, worked on some words, we moved on to learn some traditional techniques in Basket Weaving. Oh what fun I had!! I've always wanted to learn how to make baskets, and I excelled at it! We chatted with each other, teased each other, chuckled & giggled at our abilities (or lack, thereof), and just relaxed while enjoying the company.
I'm really working hard to make sure we stay a part of the community here, and make a name for ourselves that brings to mind respect.
Anyways, as I was weaving I was dreaming of the possibilities this newfound hobby could make. From survival gear, to harvesting aides, to fancy gift baskets for family and friends. *sigh* I wonder if I'll actually give it a go?
Monday, November 23, 2009
I've been absorbing the events of the last post, and I've come to settle on pondering my perspective of friendship.
I've never really had a lot of "friends". I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a whole bunch of what I would consider real friends. The friends I do have are loyal, reliable, and true blue.
See, when I decide to call someone my friend, and actually mean it in that sense, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I'd give them my last dollar and the shirt off my back, and have on occasion. When I decide to devote myself so much to one person who isn't my spouse, I expect that much in return. It sounds like a lot, but really what I'm demanding is that they be capable of listening, and to turn out to be worthy of the trust that I put in them.
I am an open book. As if you couldn't already tell that by the posts that you find here. ;o) It's true though, that there is a certain amount that I hold back from my blog. Surprising as that may seem, I choose to keep a part of me from everyone in the world.
At heart, I'm a honest, kind, generous, a perfectionist, and sometimes insecure person. I don't mind my insecurities, they remind me I'm human. All that being said, it took a lot for me to get where I am today.
In the years following the Scene with my stepfather, I ran through loads of people I was trying on as friends. Street people, homeless people, drug addicts, high school drop outs, straight A students, adults, kids my age, teens, boys, girls. I was spontaneous in who I chose to talk to because I had chosen to ignore the intuition that told me when someone wasn't worth my time (which I've always had, BTW). That got me in to trouble, and also led the downfall (even more so) of my ability to trust and have faith in those around me.
There were a lot of situations where my trust was betrayed. Trust that a secret I told someone was going to be kept, that I thought I would be safe if I stuck close to someone, that I could hang out with people who liked me, that I could leave my personal possessions with someone for a minute while step away and know it wasn't going to go missing. Those times I was proven wrong.
I know better these days, and am extremely wary of who I place my trust in. I know when a business person I'm involved with is going to screw me over, I know when a person my Mr is chatting with (through some new organization here or there) is going to take advantage of us, I know when I should just not talk to someone simply by the way they look at me.
That all being said, it's extremely difficult for me to make friends, and the ones I do make are for life. Those people make up a small core around me, and I know I can call them at any time of day or night if I need help. Seriously, only a small handful of people have ever met these standards.
I've often moped and moaned over why people don't meet my standards for friendship, and yes, even shed a tear or two...maybe out of frustration, maybe out of self pity, who knows. It's hard to go through life without a wide base of supports, especially when you're as expectant as I am.
There have been many times where I've wondered how some other people can be so lucky as to have a full address book of friends, a party that's always happening, and never be left alone on a Friday night unless they choose to be. I envy those kind of people. I'm also baffled by this ability.
So, this whole situation I find myself surviving right now leaves me wondering, if I work hard enough, can I gain the skills to be like this, or will I make the conscious choice to remain as reserved as I am now. It should be interesting to make the comparison in any event.
Remind me to blog about surviving.
Friday, November 20, 2009
**Usual Family Disclaimer**
I've been absorbing what my ex said to me lastnight, along with what old friend tried corroborate.
It didn't paint a pretty picture, and I feel that it could be true, though I really don't want to admit that out loud.
According to them, I always had my way. We partied together, we had fun, and sometimes...they pulled me out of a tough situation.
As far back as I can remember men were always predators to me. I've had a difficult time finding just one that I could trust. No matter which ones I chose, they could never be trusted...except one.
That one would be old friend.
When I found him on Facebook last year I was ecstatic, and phoned him the first chance I got to catch up on each other, and find out what was new, what I had missed, and to find a connection in the universe that I needed. He remains the sole man in my life (asides from my step-father right now) who has never betrayed my trust. That is a huge thing to me.
I've always hated when people call me beautiful, because I couldn't perceive it as anything other than a note of distrust, envy, or desire in their eyes and it has never been a genuine compliment to me. The result of spending time with folks like this is something I'd like to call it a death wish. It's a wish that people treat me the way I feel about myself. Disgusting, filthy, and just plain fucking stupid. I've hinted before on here about my feelings towards myself, and I can admit that they've always been there as long as I can remember, but after the scene with my Step-Father leaving, it rocketed out of control, and took me on the road to hell from which I've never fully recovered from.
That road led me to believe that I wasn't worth anything, to anyone...least of all myself, and my actions showed it. I drank heavily, and started letting the users in to my life, and eventually run it for me because I truly believed I wasn't worth saving. With that belief, I was also desperately looking for someone to prove me wrong. As cliche as it sounds, I have a hard time watching (but also seem glued to it once it starts) the movie Georgia Rule because it hits far too close to home.
There were a number of really bad folk in my life during this period of my life.
I lost my virginity because I got drunk. This was the first in a series of alcohol induced bad choices, and choices that were made for me because I had had so much I had passed out.
I was an unfaithful person. I was dating a guy and went to a party, and had sex with this revolting human being in a basement bedroom of an empty house. For weeks afterward he hounded me to sleep with him again, only in the light of day and sobriety, I couldn't stand to look at him. Still dating same guy, and we partied at my house, and a friend of his came over. B/F slept in my bed with me, and friend was on the couch. I'm not sure how it happened, but I assume I instigated it, we wound up having sex on my couch. I can remember going to parties and having groups of guys hound me. Touching me, trying to kiss me, hugging me, teasing me, all with the same goal...to get into my pants. I've been wondering for a while why that was. Truth is I've been hiding memories deep down so I don't remember them, so that I look like the good guy in the images I do recall. In my mind, I was an angel. It's become increasingly clear to me that I was not. It's really coming clear just how fucked up I really was.
There was a party that I went to with a friend of mine. I remember she was dating this asshole who used to get into fistfights with her, and I didn't care for either of them much. I went because there was going to be lots of alcohol, and as much pot as I could get my hands on. I don't recall what happened, only that they kept handing it to me, and I obliged by drinking and smoking each time it came my way. Eventually, I don't know what happened, but I remember we were outside (in the middle of winter) and her b/f was hitting me and calling her a bitch. I don't know how I got home, or what happened, only that I lost some of my items because I never went back to get them, like my winter jacket.
Ex told me lastnight that he pulled me out of there with old friend. He also told me with a sincere amount of passion exactly what he did to the folk who were there that night. After he was done telling me about that, he proceeded to tell me about the condition he found my body in when he got me home. The whole conversation left me feeling truly ill. It left me feeling ill because after he started talking, I began remembering what had happened.
When he finished talking, I told him I was sorry for all of the stuff I must have put him through. I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I know what it must have been like for him to put up with me. When we started dating, I asked him out because there was no one better at the time. It sounds awful, but I had wanted to date his best friend, and when he refused to give me the time of day because he was loyal to my Ex, I just gave up and went with my Ex. I wasn't loyal feeling. Often times I remember just wishing there was something better. It was a pointless relationship, and was just for show. While I did come to love him, I had no idea how to function in a relationship and continue down the path of distruction. So, he was just shoved to the side every time I wanted to continue. I feel horrible admitting that, because I know how much he loved me.
The purpose of this post, is the beginning of me accepting that I did what I did. Learning to find out why I did what I did, learning how to properly deal with the resulting emotions about what happened, and to say I'm sorry to those I've hurt.
I told y'all this was going to be a hell of a journey. While this is mainly about the past, it all connects to how I live, and function in my relationship right now. I'll get to that in another post. Right now, I'm going to go and have a good cry, and finish processing the bulk of this.
What a night.
I was chatting with an old friend, trying to get more info about my past. Had to ask him what he remembered. He talked about our fun, and old friends we had lost touch with, and my ex boyfriend.
After getting off the phone with him, I bumped into said ex-boyfriend. Talk about blow my mind. Asked him to sit and chat with me a bit about that time period, and some of the things that happened to me, and such. Wasn't a pretty conversation, and I'm so not proud of what he had to say about the type of person I was. It was scary to see him describe what happened with such passion. Evidently I kinda traumatized him a bit...but the same thing happened on my end as well. I'd like to ask him more about what happened back then, as I met him not long after the case was blown open with my step-father, and he saw me down that spiral to rock bottom. I don't know why, but I need to know what happened then, because I effectively erased it from my memory, and that scares me.
After just a snippet of what he told me tonight, I understand why I'm scared.
I figure if I'm going to let my skeletons out of the closet I need to let them all out, and hopefully by the time this is over with I'll have the strength to move on, and grow up.
I desperately want to change the pattern of how I do things, and I can only see this as a beginning of that attempt. It's dangerous territory though, so I'm trying not to tread on any toes while I'm at it. I can only pray that I don't repeat anything here and find the key to moving on without hurting anyone in the process.
From what I can see now though, that's going to be pretty tough to do. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is...
at 12:44 AM
Monday, November 16, 2009
I'm almost beginning to think I should start up a separate blog just to follow this story away from my family's prying eyes, LOL
I'm anxious. Have been for over a week now. After doing some research online, I now know that the statute of limitations regarding child sexual abuse if going to leave me free to pursue charges right now.
I'm going to take a deep breathe, gather my thoughts, and attempt to go through with this.
There's just one problem. In order to do this, I need to tell my mom first, and have the talk before I can feel free to pursue the matter further.
This is going to kill me. I'm quite certain.
I've come to the conclusion that there is no "good time" to bring the subject up. There's no getting around it.
As I said before, I can't hold it in any longer. Though I long to just forget about it, as I've done for many years now, it just can't be done. It's been years since I've seen that man, and just the thought of what happened between us, leaves me unable to have any intimacy with my husband. I shrivel at his touch, and shut down when he only wishes to have a conversation with me. I yell when he wants to discuss our responsibilities because there's no room for it in my brain, or in my heart. I'm being swallowed alive...again.
I have to do it...but it scares the hell out of me. I'm terrified...clammy, sweaty palms, nervous glances behind my back, and nearly unable to sleep or be alone.
I have to dredge the courage from somewhere. The courage to go on living, because I truly think it would be a great thing to find something to numb me right this second, and every second following, until I die. I need the courage to look her in the eye, and ask directly, regardless of the answer. I just want to be able to say that I asked.
I'm scared. I feel like I'm a child again...little, confused, and not comprehending anything about how the world operates.
I can't take it...the pressure from folks who think they know exactly what I should do, the thought of hurting my family, the thought of anyone treating me differently.
I'm going in a million different directions, just so I can avoid what's glaring me right in the face.
It's time. Time to let it all go, and get on with the life I worked so fucking hard for. It's time to let me believe that I'm worth more than just some person's whim. It's time for me to re-define beautiful, and free.
It's time, and I'm terrified to take this leap, but somehow...I think I can.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
***Add my usual Family disclaimer here. If you don't want to be involved, please stop reading***
It felt like my stomach had bottomed out.
I was chatting with family members, and somehow my stepfather was mentioned. When I expressed disgust at his name, they asked why I disliked him so. My response was "Well, anyone would be disgusted with a person after what he did to me". They gazed at me blankly, and it dawned on me that they had no idea what I was talking about.
I could feel my head spinning, my visions was blurred, and my heart almost stopped beating. I whispered that he had ruined the word beautiful for me. I said he hurt me, and made me feel like a simple piece of meat, who was only there for a man's whim. They asked me to tell them why. I started at the beginning on my memories of him.
My step-father was in my life as long as I could remember. He and my mom met in a group setting, and began dating when I was about 4 years old. They married in a civil union in our own home with a Judge present when I was 8. He left when I was 13. That's a huge portion of my life with him in it.
When it was all over, I was still young. I had no comprehension of just how deeply this would affect me. I was still a child, and wanted more than anything to just forget about it, like I had done for so long. I wish someone would have explained it until I understood what it would mean to me as a person...but I can only move forward, they say.
I remember speaking to police about it, and being at the station with my mom over my shoulder. When they asked if I wanted to press charges I heard a little voice say that there was no reason for that, because nothing had really happened. I let that voice tell me this was all being blown out of proportion, and that I was being over-dramatic...like a typical 13 year old girl. I listened to it, and denied pressing charges.
At the time I had only a few memories, and not a whole lot to go on. I remember more of what happened now, and since this has come to light again, am considering going ahead with charges.
I curious now, in the aftermath of that conversation, just how many of my relatives know what happened to me. It's true though, that our demographic has sexual abuse rampant in it's history, so I know I'm not alone in it...but I want to know now, how many of my family members were involved with this particular man, and how many knew. I'm burning. I had two aunts and an uncle live with us for a time, and we're all rather estranged. Sure, the love is there, but since the time of the split, they seem to really be more distant. We were the best of friends as children.
It hurts to know that no one may know. It hurts because I know now, what my family must have thought of my behavior, and me, in the aftermath of the split. I was experimenting with drugs a small amount before they split, to escape pain. Afterwards I was in a daze nearly the whole time. I chose to keep myself high, and I began binge drinking. I began having random sex with random people. I was even arrested for shoplifting. I truly went on a downward spiral, and I can clearly see that in reflection, though at the time I had no idea what I was doing, or why. I ruled over my mother. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's true.
That first year, after I came back from running away and making sure he was gone, I don't remember that Christmas following. I do remember that that New Year's I was alone, and invited friends over. I spent the major part of the evening being too high to move, and the rest of the night having sex with my boyfriend.
My mother spent the holidays and such at my great aunt's house. I later found out that he had moved in with her for the time being. I can only speculate that they were hoping things would calm down, and that he would be allowed to move back in, because during the time he was there, he had at least 2 visits with me. I always made sure we were never alone together, but I rarely had anything to say to him, and despised even being in the same room with him.
All in all, I've been thinking a lot. I'm trying my hardest to find the best way to approach this. Charges, asking the question no one wants to answer, and finding out the reason why no one may know what happened to me. I want to know if this changed how people look at me. It's changing the way I look at myself. I'm trying to figure out if this will only hurt people along the way, and if it's worth it to even ask. Is it worth hurting those members that I love most, by asking them the "what happened" and "why" questions? If it is, will I be satisfied with the answers I receive?
I've also been trying to explain it to my Mr. It's difficult to admit to him just how much this is consuming me. It's difficult to explain that I don't want to talk about the responsibilities we're facing right now...financial, vehicular, children. I have no space left in my brain for anything but this. My mind is digging. Digging for more memories that I didn't know I had. Digging for more instances to see if anyone else was involved. Digging for the ability to do this with dignity and grace. Digging for courage.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
***To my family members. I understand if you don't want to read this post. It's explicit, and would be painful for you to read. Unless you'd like to include yourselves in my personal crises, I suggest you stop reading here. I'm sick of burying it, and it's time it came out in the open.***
Hold on to your keyboards folks, this is the beginning of a journey that you will be taking with me.
I can't hold this in anymore. I can't just let it sit. It's rotting me from the inside. It's forcing me to loose the will to live.
Over the weekend whilst visiting with family members, I had a very frank conversation that turned my world upside down.
I feel stupid, and lost, and angry...and after it's all died down, I've come to the realization that sometimes there just aren't any answers. The answers that could be there if I asked, would probably not satisfy me in the least, so I'm unsure if I even want to ask the questions. The only solution that I could come up with was to write about it.
I'm 6 years old. My mother is on her way out for the evening. I'm begging her not to go. I don't want her to leave me alone with him. She leaves anyways, and I'm devastated because I know what's going to happen when it's time for bed.
I'm 8 years old. My mother is out for the evening, I think she had a night job. It's a bath night for me. He runs me a bath, and then insists he sit in the bathroom to watch and "make sure" I wash myself up, instead of just play. When I play for too long, he comes over and washes me himself. I had that feeling. I remember being scared when I finally get out and get to bed. I'm praying he won't come and tuck me in too. I'm trying to count the seconds until it's over.
I'm 8 years old, and I'm terrified that my step-father is coming to tuck me in. I remember him taking the Alf doll that I had and making me giggle...and I don't know what happened after, only that my heart was racing, I was frozen, and I was trying not to show my emotions because I was scared. I was praying that he would leave. I remember his voice smooth and sultry when he told me how beautiful I was to him.
I'm nine years old and we're on our way across the country, moving to Nova Scotia where he's from. I remember having a conversation with my mother about him. In child terms I told her that he wasn't a very good man. I remember feeling disappointed and frustrated that she couldn't understand why. I remember not being able to tell her exactly why.
We're playing in the living room of the little two bedroom house we're renting. It's summertime, and really hot. My step-father always wore cut off jean shorts. He sitting with just these on, on the floor, watching tv. We're playing not far away, and I realized he wasn't wearing anything underneath because I can see his penis. He caught me looking and adjusts himself, so I can see the whole thing.
I remember while my relatives were living with us during this time, that I woke to a shadow in my doorway more often. I also remember that that pulsing, burning feeling came...the one that lets me know just how terrified I really am.
I'm 9 years old, and we're in Nova Scotia. I kept getting "growing pains" in my calves. It's a cold night because I'm wearing a flannel nightgown with slippers, and I've been complaining about my legs hurting. I keep pestering my mom about how much they hurt, hoping she'd give me some relief. Instead she gets him to massage them. Then suddenly everyone goes to bed and I'm left alone with him. That same feeling comes back. My heart racing, blood raging in my ears, I'm terrified. He's massaging and I can feel him working his way up my legs. He rubs in small circles between them and tells me that I should never let anyone touch me there. He continues rubbing and I see a funny look in his eyes. In what felt like forever he finally stops and laughs and says "Did I scare you?". I can hardly breathe.
It's spring, and we're playing in the hallway. Our room is directly accross from theirs. They're making love, and through the crack of the open door, he's watching me the whole time.
He's getting me ready for a bath, and he tells me in that voice how beautiful I am. I'm wondering why every time he says it I feel so ugly and dirty.
We were never really well off people. My step-father was a loser. He was often without a job, and chose to while his day away by smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. When we moved back to BC, we lived with relatives until we got back on our feet. Each time we moved we shared a room. I was painfully aware of when they had relations, because I knew he was watching me when he did it.
I'm 11. I've begun experimenting with smoking. He tells me to get into the bathtub. I don't want to. He runs it for me, and tells me again to get in. My mom isn't there. I finally get into the bathtub. When I come out and go to my room, I discover my underwear drawer is open, and I immediately walk in and close it. I turn to close the door behind me, and I discover him there, hiding behind the door. He's waiting for me to let go of the towel. When he realizes that I'm not letting go, he starts asking me about the lone cigarette in the bottom of the drawer. I tell him it's a friends'. He leaves the room.
I'm 11 and having nightmares. I wake up one night and go into my mothers' room and crawl into bed with her. I wake up to him stroking me, with my mother sleeping between us. I know he's realized that I'm awake, and he moves his hand over me. I roll out of bed and go back to my own.
This is just a snippet of what's been on my mind since this past weekend. I'm dreaming about shadows of someone in my doorway again. I'm dreaming about that awful, scared feeling. I feel like a child again. Like I have no power over what happens to me and my body.
My world turned upside down, when I realized that nobody but the three of us involved, knew.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Lots to say, not enough words.
Had a decent enough weekend at Gramma's house. Was fun and relaxing, as it should.
All that being said, there was a serious cloud being left over. A serious, life altering cloud.
My thoughts have been swirling between shock, and disbelief.
The kind of thing that will slowly change my outlook on myself. Once it absorbs and I figure it out, that is.
I feel stupid, because it's obvious to me now. I was naive. I am bewildered.
It was nice to spend a weekend away from the house, and not have to worry about cleaning up after ourselves obsessively (though we haven't been doing that cause I haven't been pushing it quite so hard). We went hunting (but didn't get anything), and enjoyed the atmosphere. Gramma even gave me a wedding band in replacement for the ones I had to have cut off.
We'll be looking into getting D involved in a Rock Climbing Club as well as a Mixed Martial Arts club. Might be interesting.
Been feeling slightly overbooked, and that may be a major factor in my stress levels of late, which, of course, affects my energy levels, and the way my body has been functioning. Suffice to say that I am all out of whack.
I love my cell phone. I haven't had it all that long, and I'm totally dependent on it now. It's my day planner, calculator, phone & address book, and it keeps me in touch for those stupid questions that I need to ask when I'm at the store. I also sleep with my cell phone...but that's because it my alarm clock too ;o) I keep thinking, gosh, what a brilliant little gadget. I'm addicted. I've even started mobile pictures and sending them to my Facebook account.
Hunter has learned his ABC's at pre-school (something he never really attempted while we sang it to him) and has thoroughly enjoyed singing the whole song to us repeatedly over the weekend. We'll be looking at maybe getting H into daycare at least once a week for a few hours, because he loves it, and because we have such a busy schedule it really does require it.
I'm hoping the road smoothes itself out over the next little while. I'm praying for the strength to endure what I can see coming my way. I'm praying for the patience to understand what will be forcing it's way, soon enough, into my brain and heart and soul. God help me, and please keep us together through what we are about to face.
at 6:30 PM
Friday, November 06, 2009
Tomorrow is my Mr's and my 8th wedding anniversary.
Traditional gifts say that it's a Bronze year.
Modern Gifts say that it's the year for Linens and Lace.
I wonder if I could get that all in one kinky package? LOL
Did I mention that my place of work made the local TV today? Well, we had a show called Roberts on the Road come in and tape a spot with us in the middle of our crazy lunch rush. I'm expecting it to be a huge success and a big boost for business. I think it's supposed to air two weeks from tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, and I'll letcha know if there's a link.
at 4:15 PM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
I am an optimist. I've been an optimist since I seen the need for one in my family (or maybe all my life).
Why then, am I having trouble getting out of bed each morning?
Why then am I feeling so tired by midday (regardless of caffeine intake) that I really need a moment to pick myself back up enough to keep moving?
Why then, am I so tired of my husband's voice that I'd rather watch a movie, play on the computer, sleep, or ignore him all together, than actually have a conversation with him?
Why would I rather just let my kids have their own way for the evening than bother with fussing and putting them to bed by a decent time?
Why don't I care when there's an accident in the middle of the night?
Why don't I care enough to pick up the toys that are strewn about, and would much rather step over them for the next week or so until I feel like making the kids pick them up?
Why am I starting to pick out of the plastics cupboard for my bowls, instead of doing the dishes?
Why is the laundry sitting in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor, with the occasional footprint on a stray item because I could care less about putting it away?
I seem to have lost sight of the reason for my unfailing optimism. I've lost hope, clarity, and faith that things will get better eventually. I don't want eventually, I just want it to end. Period.
I'm tired of trying to find room in my mother's house for me, and my 3 other family members. I'm tired of cramming thing sin closets, under beds, on shelves, and in random places because they don't have a home.
I'm tired of cooking.
I'm tired of constantly cleaning up after my kids because I'm so afraid that any mess they make will bring down the wrath of parents who are as fed up of living with us, as we are of them.
I'm tired of shushing my kids when they get excited, upset, or just plain feel like being kids.
I'm tired of telling them they can't do something because this house isn't our and I don't want them ruining anything.
I'm tired of relying on other folks to keep me afloat.
I'd sleep with the entire fucking city if it meant that my kids could have a place of their own, and actually be comfortable. I'd rob a bank if it meant that I could stop answering my kids with "I'm sorry honey, that's stored at Ama's in Washington because we don't have room for it here". I'd sell my soul if it meant that my children wouldn't have to struggle like I am now. I'd seriously just take some blunt metal instrument to myself right now if it wasn't for the fact that that's exactly what I'd be giving them if I did it. A life of struggle.
I'm an optimist because I have to be. I have to believe that there is a reason for this. I have to believe that it will all work out. I have to believe that someday it will give someone a chuckle, or an epiphany. If I don't, I'd give us all some Kool-Aid and call it a day.
at 7:56 PM
Friday, October 30, 2009
I'm a Die Hard Halloween Fan. Always have been. I've always loved dressing up, carving pumpkins, and decorating. It's a make believe world, that nearly everyone participates in, at least for one whole day.
It's my favorite holiday, hands down.
So, naturally, I go all out. I go all out with treats, costumes, and decorations. I try my best to make it as enjoyable for everyone as I possibly can. I want to stick to people's memories because I did such a great job.
I made Orange-O-Lanterns for D's class treat this year (my third year making them). The Staff at the school loved them, and so did the kids.I made D his Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Costume, and the adults love it (not the kids so much, because not all of them have seen Ghostbusters), and so does D. He's spending as much time in it as he can...reading books, watching tv, and playing with his brother. I do need to remove it for bedtime though, sadly. He's so excited about it he shines when he talks about it, and gets this smile on his face when he thinks about it.That's why I go all out. This is my tradition. No store bought costumes allowed.
at 3:55 PM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What a week it's been. Got my decorations from MIL, and put some up. Not all, mind you. I just don't have the energy to put them all up...yet.
I've noticed a complete lack of energy on my part, and it's bothersome.
Am busy making D's costume here, in the wee hours of the night.
Did I mention we're being a family of Ghostbusters? Yeah...this is what D's gonna be:Been chuckling at a few things. Last Language class (we're taking a class to learn the Okanagan Native Language), H was asked to hand a paper and a pen to someone, and after handing over the paper he began to walk away. My mom reminded him to give the pen over too, and he said "Where's the pen?" and proceeded to look all around him and under himself (picture him bending over to look both between his legs and under each foot carefully, as well as turning in a circle). Mom caught it first and started laughing, and I was soon to follow. When he realized we were laughing at him he caught on too. He started chuckling and said "I'm silly", because he had been holding it in his hand all along.
A couple of nights ago, while driving me to Cub Scouts for D, H was in the backseat asking question after question about where we were going and what we were doing. My mom was kindly answering him, and after a few responses she started ending them in "sweetie". He asked "Where are we going?", and she responded with "We're taking mommy to D's school, sweetie". He then repeated "We're going to D's school, sweetie?" He caught himself, and chuckled saying "You're not sweetie, I'm sweetie".
After watching D in the Beaver program here, I was unimpressed with how they structure it. Maybe I'm picky, have high standards, or am having trouble letting go of the reigns, but after paying $175 for him to enter the program, I'm unimpressed with the level of teaching they provide. It was bordering on chaos, and for having so many adults there able to step up their monitoring more, it was kind of silly.
I asked Mr to inquire about their level of structure, and whether this would be the norm or not. Their response was to say they do the bare minimum to get them their stuff from the book, and do play time the rest of the time. For $175, we're essentially paying for nice camping and feild trips, and a totally corny uniform.
After speaking with the leaders we found out there's another branch of the group in our vicinity that runs their group "Drill Sargeant" style. Now that's what I'm accustomed to. Our last Pack Leader was an ex-Air Force guy, and knew how to keep the kids in check. After considering my options, I knew what I would choose, but wanted to include D in the final decision.
After telling him about my comparasion and thoughts, he said he's much rather do the "Drill Sargeant" style, because he could learn more. He even said it before I had a chance to completely finish the comparasion.
Makes me teary just remembering it.
After all our fighting and struggling to get him out the door all those times, and the hassel it was, and the stress we put ourselves under to make sure everyone was learning as much as possible, and the tension we put up with when we weren't meeting other parents' standards, and everything else...I just remember thinking it was sort of a lost cause. I thought the entire time we put in as Den Leaders was going to be something he just didn't care about.
Turns out he'd rather do it the other way, and learn something, rather than just playing around. he prefers it that way.
They started a school reading program for the students. They're trying to encourage reading from each student, and are having a school-wide challenge to reach a certain number of books read by the end of the school year. D has read 32 so far (already meeting his fulfillment). He brings home two each night, and more on weekends, and reads them all. He reads out loud ot us, to himself quietly, and everywhere in the house you can imagine. Behind the couch, in the bathroom, under the bed, in the window, on his bed...you name it, I've caught him reading there.
He just makes me so flipping proud when he flaunts his responsibility and maturity.
at 1:11 AM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
1. If you were to start a meme (or a second or third), what would you call it and what day would you pick? I'd pick Monday or Wednesday. Those are the only two days i have free from meme's. I don't know what I'd call it. Junk?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Somedays I wonder how on earth I gave birth to such a brilliantly beautiful child. How I could cry when I see just how passionately he lives his life.
Other days I just want to scream. Those days I feel like I'm teetering on the brink of some of violent behavior that I just don't care to elaborate on.
We've been to counseling sessions to try and figure out how to solve our dilemma. They've all said the same thing "take care of the bigger problems, and the smaller ones will fix themselves". Those bigger problems have long since been repaired. Not once has anyone said "This is your solution". It's frustrating as fuck. Really.
There are days where we are all so tested, that we literally just leave him be, because we are at a loss as to how to handle him. He pushes and pushes and pushes, until no one can stand to be around him.
He responds by saying he wishes he were gone. He says awful things about himself. Part of this has got to be coming from us, I understand, but how did it get to be so horrendous? I would love for someone to explain to me why he behaves the way he does, or give me an answer. I just want to know why.
I want to know why he grins and smirks when he knows he's not listening, disobeying, or disrespecting. I want to know why he laughs when he's outright ignoring us, or deliberately hurts those he loves. I want to know why he's so happy when he knows he's physically harming himself or his family. I want to know why I just can't believe that he's sorry when he apologizes.
I want a fucking answer.
I want to know why I feel like the ultimate failure as a parent because I want to lash out so badly, all I can do is walk away until I'm calm. I want to know why I'm pushed that far in the first place.
What the fuck am I doing so wrong?
Am I not paying him enough attention? Do I not praise him enough? Am I not being consistent?
Please, someone, come and rescue me, and put me on the right path to a happy child!
I don't want my child to remember his childhood like I remember mine...All I've ever wanted for him was better than what I had.
All I want is an answer.
at 5:21 PM
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Lots to think about. It's a dreary day today, need to find me some caffeine. Gonna go in search of free food, do a bit of shopping, and try to relax some :o)
at 9:31 AM
Friday, October 16, 2009
Well folks...two days left until I'm officially 28.
Someone recognized me today, just by hearing my voice, and I haven't seen them in over 3 years. I don't know whether I should be offended or hurt, but that was the immediate way I took it, considering my state of mind 3 years ago.
Took the boys shopping today because H has outgrown all of his pants around the waist, so I went in search of a whack of elasticized waist pants.
Had our very first shift today without the bosses there to run the show. What a friggin fiasco. there were multiple things that need vast improvement. I was scalded with hot milk today, as it got spilled on my hand. It's only slightly swollen.
My mom and dad arrive home tomorrow from their week long vacation. Gotta clean up and change their bedding and whatnot. Also need to do a bit of grocery shopping.
I have no plans for my birthday. I really just don't feel the need to celebrate or shout it from the rooftops or anything. There's lots of stuff that I want, but nothing that I feel I need right at this moment. All good things, right?
I've been feeling content of late...but things haven't been going so smoothly with the Mr. We seem to be hitting our major bad timing with one another. Either one of us is in a bad mood, or the other. It would seem we just haven't been able to hit the mark and get our moods on an even pace, which is highly disappointing. The struggle to keep our marriage strong is starting to falter a bit, from my perspective. Old jabs and behaviors have resurfaced, and it's getting more and more difficult to ignore them.
We've spent the last week getting the kids finalized in a prim & proper schedule, and actually sticking to it. H is finally in his own bed, in his shared room with D, and both are asleep before 9pm each night. H has finally been fully weaned. I sleep in my own bed with my Mr each night, and have nearly adjusted to sleeping without a little man right next to me. I'm still finding it difficult to fall asleep, but I figure that'll come in time.
I'm quite happy with work, all being said, though. I'm getting between 25 & 30 hours per week, which makes me part time. I don't honestly think I'd have enough energy for another right this minute. After going without working an actualy job for more than 3 years, I'm hoping it's not going to take me long before I'm ready to pick up another one.
My mind is rambling...
at 8:42 PM
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Three men in a tub,
And how do you think they got there? Maybe they're from San Francisco.
The butcher, the baker,
They all jumped out of a rotten potato,
'Twas enough to make a man stare.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
And now, for a nice, quiet breather, in which we all take a deep breath, release, and relax a bit.
To catch you up on our going's on, here's a few snapshots from the last month of fun!
I have some free time to myself tonight, and thought I'd share it with you. I wanted to lighten up the mood a bit first though ;o) Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian blogger friends out there, I hope you remember all that you are thankful for!
Friday, October 09, 2009
I'm feeling kinda tired, which leads me to feeling stressed.
I'm beating myself up. I'm drowning myself in guilt.
Was out at Baby Group with H yesterday. Got a call from the school, asking me to come and pick D up because he had a toothache.
I've been a bad mom.
I knew before we left Ohio (May, if anyone's counting months) that there was something wrong with that tooth. Mr has been at me and at me to get him to the dentist. I just kept putting it off.
I picked D up from the school, and frantically phoned a dentist or two to get him seen that afternoon, as it's a long weekend this weekend.
I must say I'm not impressed with my first choice of a Dentist. He refused to see D completely, because he was afraid of needles 3 years ago...when he was 4. He refused my emergency phone call because he was too little back then, and won't even give it a try now. I'm so angry at this I can't even begin to describe it. While some think I should go and give him a piece of my mind, I prefer to be vindictive (and sure, it's probably not the best course of action) and tell every parent I can get my words on, about this horrible in-action.
I found one who would see him, and got him in. The verdict was that he has a nasty infection, a yucky abscessed tooth, that's bad enough to warrant the removal of it, and the one behind it.
Oh my god, I'm such a bad parent.
I totally put my own selfishness before my child. I took my child and his health for granted.
He was up for four hours lastnight, writhing and crying in pain. I felt completely helpless. He didn't go to school today. He's on two rounds of antibiotics until the 22nd when he goes in for the extraction.
There was no excuse for my lack of action. There were a few words exchanged after we got the news, and they hurt, because they were true, and I completely deserved them.
I can't stop thinking about how bad I truly suck right at this particular point in time.
I've given myself the bad mom award.
I can't stop thinking about how much I suck right now.
at 4:05 PM
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
1. Bud- What type of meme question is the hardest? The ones that are the simplest, I find.
I bought this hat on our trip from Ohio to BC. I think I bought it in Montana, not long after I met Os. I love it, but don't wear it that often up here...dunno why. Keep an eye out for this one to be a re-occurring item in my HNT's!
We've been busy lately. In a good way I suppose...but busy is busy, right?
I miss my D. I've been working evenings, and literally start working as soon as he gets off from school, and get home when it's his bedtime.
I've been catching up on laundry, but it literally sat on my bedroom floor at the foot of my bed for days before I got around to folding it. Today was the first time I cleaned the house & did the dishes in a while.
Mr took the last few days to go do a dry-walling job with a Great Uncle of mine. Nice way to bring in some extra cash, but makes it oh-so-hectic. S'a good thing we're a 3 vehicle household or we'd be getting pretty scrambled by this point.
I got H syaing "Holy Doodle!" Heehee, he thinks it's pretty funny.
Boy, I love my job. Still. And it's been a month. I've been bringing the food home with me when I close, and the family seems to really enjoy it. My bosses even made me my dinner this eve, free of charge. I love my bosses...
Anyhow, tomorrow is D's student/class photo day at school...wonder what i should put him in?
at 8:42 PM
Monday, October 05, 2009
Was watching different movies lastnight. I'm a flipper, I flip between multiple tv shows and movies when I sit my butt in front of the tube. Anyhow, I happened upon The Wrestler, with Mickey Rourke. As I watched it came to a scene with Marisa Tomei doing a lap dance for MR. Holy Gawd, was the first thought in my mind. She's a 40 something lady with an amazing rack. I'm seriously jealous of her breasts. Pert and perky and wonderfully formed. Breasts that I can only aspire to have, but will likely never attain. Just thought I'd share the randomness for the day.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
I don't understand why there is so much tension sometimes. Having us all lumped together in one whole house makes everything seem to function on eggshells. Literally everyone will be cool, calm and giggly, and one minute later the mood drops to yelling, screaming, arguing, and utter stress where no communication is able to pass between anyone. All it takes is someone to look the wrong way at another, or for two words to pass through someone's lips with the wrong tone, or just leaving some personal property in the wrong place.
It's like a whole house of Bi-Polar. (no offense is intended to those who live with this disorder, it's just the closest way I can describe it)
There are chocolate gods. I was totally craving chocolate this evening after dinner, and the neighbor girls showed up selling some for their band. My chocolate prayers were answered.
I'm tired. I feel like I could just lay down and go to sleep, and probably not wake up for a good day or two without effect.
Finally connected my Hard Drive so I could d/l all the pictures from my cameras. Slowly working my way through the editing process, and once I'm done I'll need to do a mega post to Flickr.
I've been reconsidering the photography route when I think about going back to school. I've been looking at some of the photo's Mr's been taking, and it suddenly occurred to me that either he's talented as well, or it's just the camera that allows a better quality of picture. Though I certainly have a higher percentage of beautiful pictures, if Mr can take some amazing shots like he has been lately, than it must not be a very narrow field of expertise. I'm not saying that I want to be the only great photographer int he world, but I'd like to be educated to be something that can bring in money for us that I enjoy as well.
at 7:26 PM