Monday, May 11, 2009


Hmmm. Been pondering all weekend, things running through my head, being angry, being quiet, pensive.
It's tough being in such close quarters with Mr and family for so much time, and not really getting any time to myself both in and out of the house. Arguments have ensued over things that normally wouldn't be broached. I don't care to discuss said subjects, as I'm just not ready to. I'm finding it more difficult to focus on what I want in myself and how I want our lives to travel together.
Mr's surgery for his ankle it scheduled for this Friday, and I've seriously been considering renting a wheelchair (and fighting him to use it) for the month that he's supposed to be in recovery and keep most weight off that foot. I blame us both for not keeping him off of it when it first happened. We did, but not as much as we could have. Consequently, this surgery bit has it in my head that it needs to happen, one way or the other. Yes, he has crutches, but I'm afraid that may tempt him into weight bearing sooner than he should. So, a wheelchair is really my only option. Hell, I've hauled a stroller around many times, a wheelchair can't be that much harder.
Mother's Day came by and went. The boys got me some nice cards, and a pretty porcelain ornament along with a lovely picture that was really cute. Had a relatively nice day I suppose...I'm always left wanting more though, it seems, when it comes to days where I'm the one who's the star. Weird...but it frequently feels as if the galaxies are against me in letting me have a fabulous day because there's always a small shadow hanging over them. Could be I'm just being selfish too, ya never know.
It's a bit of a busy week. Need to clean the house between today and tomorrow as the landlord scheduled a showing for after 6pm tomorrow. It's a disaster zone, really. The Mr has been steadily moving out big, heavy furniture & all of the boxes we've packed and putting them at MIL's in preparation of his new-found gimpness at the end of the week. It was a good idea, and so our house in a constant state of disarray because of it. So, all I'm doing now is following along behind and trying to keep it relatively tidy & safe for the kids to be around. It's really starting to feel like it's never-ending.
There's no pictures on the walls, no big furniture items to swallow whenever I sneeze now (which is often because of the seasonal allergies I have) I echo throughout the house. Embaressing and funny all at the same time. Thank goodness I have a sense of humor.
Tomorrow there's a luncheon at the school with D's class, hope it'll be fun.

Wednesday H goes in to the dentist as his big day has arrived.
I'm apprehensive about it now, and it isn't even me they're doing the work on.
They'll be giving him a liquid to drink with a sedative in it, and they'll be waiting 30-45 minutes for it to take effect before they begin. I'm not allowed in the room while they do the work, and he'll be awake. They had me sign a release that states that if he starts to squirm too much they'll be strapping him down to a backboard-style thing (in the form of swaddling) to finish the work that needs to be done. Did I mention he'll be needing a cap and a baby-root canal? I'm not comfortable at all with not being allowed to be in there with him. I don't like the idea of the backboard, and would love to slap the idiot who thought that up. Why the fuck can't they just knock him out to do the work?? It needs to be done though, and after all the trouble I went through to find a decent place (which this place is) to even do the work for me, I justdon't feel like I'm left with any other alternative. It sounds wrong to me, to say that though, after our last experience. I still haven't blogged about it thoroughly, which I should...might explain my feelings.
All I'm going to say in the end now, is I'm so disappointed with the medical system here, as I've come accross numerous bumps, and roadblocks that shouldn't even exist for this kind of care. I've really just lost my faith in it, because as my children are citizens, they have a right to options. Those options are not being presented. We get an A or B, and neither of those choices are the kind that I'd want to go through, nevermind my kids who wouldn't understand. I want to be home right now...where I know I can trust the ppl with the care of my children.

After the dentist, we'll be driving down to Columbus for a funeral. Mr's uncle passed this past Thursday (my HNT inspiration) and we'll be heading there for the end of life celebration, dressed in our Hawaiian best ready for a luau. This is the closest death has come to Mr & I, and it's really rather scary...he was only 45. It made me more aware of my own family, and the things that need to be done. Lit a fire in me to not take the things for granted that I have been of late. My heart really does go to their family, because of the time I spent with them, they were really fun people.

Anyhow, maybe as a break from cleaning, I'll be coming back later to blog about that last dentist visit, as I've really put it off long enough. If I don't do it now, I'll forget about it in leu of this new visit.

7 thoughtful remarks:

the girl in stiletto said...

hope everything will go well with your Mr's surgery :) men can be stubborn sometimes. health system is pretty much crap in most places, amber. worst when the doctors have to deal with all the bullshit admin stuff that is not written in our job requirement, but has to be done because otherwise our patients' care can be compromised. but i'm sure they were trying their best. i'm sorry that you have to go through such a difficult time with the health care. maybe one day when the governments are less bothered about conquests & conquers, they will start focusing on improving the health care.

Unknown said...

No, it's not selfishness at all. We, as women, do so much, and rarely ever get the appreciation and consideration we deserve. I do wish you all the best with the dentist (Miss O has to go soon), and also with your moving tasks. Have a very safe drive :-).

Anonymous said...

hope the surgery and dentist go well!

4streegrrl said...

When I have more time today, I'll read through the entire post... must jaunt off to work early. I just read the first paragraph and I commiserate with you... and I don't even have kids! The last sentence "I'm finding it more difficult to focus on what I want in myself and how I want our lives to travel together" sounds very much like what has been going through MY head, and what I have expressed to my Mr, over the past few months. My Mr is perfectly happy though and doesn't have a problem with how our life is rolling out. So I wonder if I am asking/wanting too much for myself, or if I just need to change my attitude so I am happier with my situation. THEN I wonder if doubting my own needs is just denying that there IS a critical need to find balance, and I am trying to make it easier by setting my own needs aside. *sigh* I have no answers yet.

In any case, we (women) have to be happy with our lives. If we are not happy, then we have to find a way to make it so. Good luck with your reflections!

Hepburn Hilton said...

This post left me feeling sad. I hope that wasn't the way you were feeling writing it.

I am shocked about the fact that you had to sign a paper saying they where allowed to strap him down! That is insane. I agree with you, why in the world can they put him out completly... honestly, wouldn't that just be easier for them to? You shouldn't have to fight that hard for getting care for you children anyway. Thank god I live in a country where dental work is orchastrated through school and free until the age of 16 with annual chek ups.

Andhari said...

Strapping down sounds scary, I hope they don't have to do that. Good luck with the surgery and the dentist.

ps. You do have any rights to be soiled all pampered and happy on mother's day. It's not selfish, it's mandatory :)

Osbasso said...

I LOVE the idea of a luau as an end of life celebration! I'm hoping that when I go, there's a party that'll be talked about for years!