What a ride this month has been.
I visited an Optemetrist recently. I had planned on getting myself a new pair of glasses for a Christmas gift, since I broke my last pair back in June, & have been wearing an old pair since.
I chose a convenient Dr who had a registration page that you could fill out & email online, then made my appointment. Their office was bright & treny, with a friendly helpful staff. I went through a course of tests before I went in to actually see the Dr. 3 different types of eyes scans & those air puffer thingies. Anyhow, they took some digital pictures of my eyes, and when the Dr came in to adjust my prescription, he examined me further. First he dialated my eyes, then did a further exam requiring bright lights & scopes peering eerily innto my pupils while I resisted the urge to blink.
He decided to send me to a specialist because he saw some shadows on my retinal pictures, and upon further investigation appeared to be what he feared were "tears" in my retinas.
He specifically said that it was urgent that they be repaired as soon as possible, and if it wasn't remedied, could result in a "detatched retina". Ok, after hearing those two words and grasping their meaning, I basically floated out of there in a wave of shock & made my way home.
They stated that I could expect a call in 2-3 days from the specialist to arrange an appointment. After a bit of a kafuffle I got in to see them yesterday.
I must say I dislike having my pupils dialated. It results in wicked migraine headaches in which nearly everything hurts. It hurts to open my eyes, sounds are amplified & echo, my muscles are tensed up and difficult to relax. It is a very unpleasant feeling.
After an exam from the specialist, the Dr stated that I had a "significant" amount of retinal thinning & tears/holes in both of my eyes. He also stated that it's possible that even with lasering to remedy the ones he can identify, it won't guaruntee that another tear or thinning spot won't just appear and detach my retina, rendering me blind. In short, he explained that this was an eventuality, rather than taking a "preventative measure".
It puts into perspective the gift that sight is. I'm grateful to see, and grateful for those things that I have witnessed. I'm grateful I can see my children, and enjoy the expressions on their faces.
I'm not afraid of blindness, and am completely certain that it would not slow me down in least. Having never had experience with the world of the blind, I'm unsure what sort of services or training that sort of thing would require. Learning a new way to read and write & such would be interesting...but I'm most grateful for the fact that it would allow me to get a dog! My very own dog, who would be faithful to just me!
So, I'll be going in to see the Specialist in two separate appointments to have each eye lasered, and was told to expect pain, for which I should take Tylenol before I attend. Afterwards, any sort of head injury that I could sustain, has the possibility of rendering me blind. I understand that it's an eventuality, and I'm ok with it. I'm worried about the when. I'm sure I'll come to grips with that eventually as well.
Right now, I find I'm afraid to close my eyes to sleep, for fear of waking up blind. While I know this is irrational, I also know I just need to work my way through it.
So, I'm enjoying my holidays with the boys, and living my life day to day. For the time being that will be enough, because I know that my proccess is slower than most.
Right now, I'm enjoying the gift of sight.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
What a ride this month has been.
at 2:48 PM
Monday, December 19, 2011
Christmas Vacation is officially here for the boys.
We've been on a gamer kick for the last three days. Zelda & pretty much anything else that catches our fancy. The boys have also been building tunnels in their rooms for the hampster to go through out of Video Cassettes. All in all it's been quite enjoyable so far. Mellow, laid-back, & relaxing. No hectic schedules, no bouncing from place to place, no ill-timed meet-ups. No meltdowns so far, just a little spat here or there...nothing that a bite or two of food can't fix.
I've done my to-do's on my list, eliminating summer clothing from dressers & storing them away, knocking out the mending pile, doing some planned & unplanned baking, & keeping the house in decent shape, despite all 4 of us being cooped up.
I feel good this holiday season. I cannot express that enough. I hope that it shows when I'm spending time with the boys. I hope it shows when I'm cooking their food, doing their dishes, and watching them sleep.
My EI runs out by the end of this month. Am considering applying for regular EI (as opposed to Medical Employment Insurance), or possibly enrolling in school. There's no time like the present, I figure. I also know another semester is starting Mid-January. We shall see. Could be possible I may pick up a part-time job or two to make up for lack of income.
I've got some sewing projects I plan to do in the evenings, after the kids hit the sack. Some PJ's for the kids, a quilt for a friend, and a Domo hat & mittens set for the D-man.
I was hoping for some snow, but each time it snows it warms up the next day & it melts :o(
Lots on my mind. Mainly the difference between Shame & Guilt. Despite everyone's arguments, I cannot rid myself of the shame I feel over events that have taken place. This is the main issue that is
detrimental to my health. Working on it though. It's a bit tiring, as it means I'm going through everything again, over and over again, until I can convince myself otherwise.
I'm not ready for a full time responsible job yet, but I feel I can handle a part-time job that's easy to do.
I'm hoping the New Year will shape up better than this one did. Here's to hope.
at 12:20 PM
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Yep. We changed our plans at the last minute this week, and wound up in Clearwater, rather than Kelowna. A friend had his Birthday this weekend, and I figured if he could make it down to Salmon Arm I could make it to Clearwater for HIS celebration. Good food, good laughs, good sleep & chilling in a group full of parents & kids (some of whom stayed in pj's all day). When it came ot party time, most everyone we invited couldn't make it to the party, so we enjoyed some Mr. Bean & fanTAStic food. After the kids were booted to bed, we busted out the jello shots & the Wii-motes. Picture 4 adults trying to keep up with Michael Jackson's moves dancing to Thriller...heehee. It made me giggle so hard I almost wound up with a jello shot coming out my nose. Was loads of fun, and now we're just gearing up to spend the day on the road, meandering back home whilst stopping in for quick visits with those we haven't seen in a while. It's been a great weekend. I'm beginning to enjoy doing the things that I actually WANT to do, rather than the things I feel like I HAVE to do. It's a very rewarding experience. I'm in love with my family. Adorable boys who are brilliant in their own way, and a Mr who is making a genuine effort to be amazing. While it's true that I miss Clearwater, and the friends we left behind here, I'm not anxious to move back any time soon. It leaves me with a large feeling of non-closure. It feels like I have unfinished business here, and a reputation to rebuild for myself. I'd love to have a go at attempting this, but not right now. I'm still much more fragile than I let on, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on the difference between Shame & Guilt. I think once I've worked this out, I'll be able to start forgiving. Forgiving myself for getting into situations that I knew were dangerous, forgiving the assholes who took advantage of me, forgiveness for those who were supposed to watch out, but didn't. Forgiveness covers a wide scope of topics, I think. I know once I start it will all crumble, and I'll be a puzzle waiting to be put back together, only the picture will be much much different that it has in the past. I'm glad, after all is said and done, that I have friends that I can feel safe around, no matter what my actions are. I'm glad I have a family that loves me. I'm glad I'm here.
at 11:48 AM
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
So much floating round my mind these days it's hard to keep track of thoughts & dreams. Dreams are quite strange these days too. Which, I guess, means my brain is trying to sort all these thoughts out. I'm doing my best to avoid store-christmas shopping this year, and am keeping it to online purchases mostly. Not only is there more variety, but I feel it's saving me from impulse purchases that could wrack my bill up past my budgeted amount. I'm not buying for extended family, or even close family. I'm actually only planning on shopping for my household. We're not travelling for Christmas this year, but keeping to our own home & area. We will, however, be travelling for New Years. After I've settled down on those plans, I feel quite at ease with this holiday season, and much less stressed about it all. I'm not doing a big Christmas dinner, but something small and nice that will be compiled of all of our favorite foods, not just a traditional spread. This year, I'm making it about us. I'm working on small breakthroughs with my therapist. Small steps to acknowledge all that I've survived this past year. Lots to think about, and I'm glad I can manage it whilst we hustle & bustle our way through everyday life. I just need to remind myself to stop and ask for a hug every now and then.
at 9:34 PM
Saturday, December 03, 2011
The myth of unhappiness - Attraction in Action by Karen Luniw
Something to think about...
at 2:19 PM
It's been a long week. I swear I'm suffering from "Sympathy Recovery", LOL I've noticed that when MIL isn't feeling too perky I'm right there with her, and when she's feeling unstoppable we're both able to accomplish a whole bunch.
Since being here I've gone to see the newest Twilight Movie, which left little hearts circling my head, and gone to the Okanagan Bingo Casino. That last one was interesting, considering they smoke indoors down here. Eeew, is all I can say. It was an hour before my eyes started burning and my throat was so dry I could only croak. When I left I felt totally saturated, and showered when I got home. It wasn't until this morning that I got rid of that taste. It was fun, in any event, but I found it rather small.
I've also been crafting with my time, crocheting, and weaving, and reading my way through Christmas magazines. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I get home.
I sure have missed them and their bouncy enthusiasm. Their Christmas concert, and their School Photos came & went this week. Am hoping I can make something small for the children in H's class for their Christmas party, but we shall see what I can come up with.
Lots of things to contemplate this week. Death & suicide & my mindset 6 months ago. The differences between those on the north and south side of the border, and just how lifestyles can cause such drastic differences.
I've applied for a job with the local school district, and gone through the interview, and was required to speak to some old co-workers for references. That was a wee-bit uncomfortable, considering the questions they asked me, and the pointed tones in their voices referring to my mental health at the time that I left. It truly left me wondering if I shouldn't just apply for those little jobs for the time being, until I feel like it won't be watching over my shoulder and glaringly fresh.
Yes, I had a mental health breakdown. Yes, I was suicidal, and I'm here in front of you asking you to employ me. Yes, I have unresolved issues in my personal life, who doesn't? Yes, I've sought treatment for these issues, and am coping the best I can with the help of my family and friends.
This past 6 months feel like I've lived a lifetime, and I'm assuming it will take ages to work my way through the events of the last 6 months.
Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, separations, searching for help and not receiving it, and my spiral into addictions I had assumed were resolved, and my subsequent re-resolving, the passing of 3 family members, reconciliation, finding the help I needed, and acceptance of the three things I need to survive.
In truth, when you see it listed like that it is a lifetime. When you see it like that, one can see that I'm starting over again, hopefully more aware from y experiences.
When I consider suicide, and it's ramifications, I can't help but think to myself that it's a justified state for some. For those who are un-save-able. While those who've passed on in this manner have saddened me with their passing, I find myself unable to be angry or holding them to blame. I merely find myself saddened by the loss and truly sympathetic to their plight.. I'm wondering if that's weird. Do those left behind in the wake of suicide usually feel that way?
It all leaves a lot left for me to ponder, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Silently, mind you, because I don't know exactly what I idea I want formed until I've sorted it all through.
All in all it's been quite the ride so far, and it's working it's way back to what would resemble normal for me. It all leaves me wondering what normal is too, but that's a question for another day, I think.
at 1:40 PM
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
at 10:26 PM
Indigo @ That's My Answer asks:
Where are you selfish?
I am most selfish about sleep. I am a bit of a restless sleeper, and an over-achiever, so I snag a nap if I'm feeling too run down. I enjoy sleep, a lot. I nap in one hour increments and like to take my time getting up by hitting the snooze button twice and stretching in between.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Coffee is good.
Am staying w/MIL this week, and got a big bed all to myself.
We came down for the USA Thanksgiving, and wound up with just Canadians at the dinner table, which is kinda funny when you think about it. A big amount of food, and a crazy amount of fun, we had dinner while my MIL was in hospital undergoing a procedure to remove her Gall Bladder. Once the festivities ended and all those who joined us went home, I stayed behind to ensure MIL would be comfortable.
I am catching up on sleep, working on small craft projects and occupying my time by reading the news, interestingly enough.
I am making Christmas Garland out of pop can tabs for my tree's at home (of which I have 4. A 7ft, 2x3ft, and a 12in), and am teaching myself to crochet again, and working my way through a couple of magazines I bought for myself. Am contemplating buying some more crafty items just to keep myself afloat and quite busy. Methinks I'm enjoying my favorite chair just a little bit too much, lol.
I am forever amazed at just how ridiculous some people are here, and just how far their ignorance and close-mindedness can take them. I made a minor booboo by forgetting to get a larger refill on my meds, and am now scrambling to find a suitable place to get them refilled, but will unfortunately be required to take a drive back up to cross the border and get them from the nearest border town. Hmm, interesting. Won't be doing that again.
Anyhow, have been busy. I'm beginning to wonder if that's on purpose. Am I avoiding any unresolved issues by keeping myself super busy? It could possibly be. Honestly though, what normal person would want to deal with my issues. It will eventually get dealt with, I'm not that great a procrastinator, I don't think.
So, am sitting back and relaxing, and enjoying the quiet, but am also thinking of my boys and remembering what a good time they had this weekend with friends and family. Games were played, movies & tv shows watched, Hide & Seek won and lost, plus hours of Twister & Hopscotch and secret giggles behind the furniture by all children. They trule do make the holiday, I'm finding.
Gearing up for Christmas now, let's hope it's a good one.
at 9:24 AM
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Indigo @ That's My Answer asks:
My husband has a man cave, it’s where all his video games are and I liken it to a woman’s sewing or craft room. Does your man have a man cave?
He's putting his together slowly but surely. Expected improvements to come by Christmas are a larger tv with sattelite and some new video games + controllers. He also has a small "workshop" in our storage room in the basement where he works on his chainsaws.
We've gone for about two years now without cable or sattelite in our home, enjoying movies & Netflix immensely. We have a large DVD collection, and also borrow frequently from our local libraries. With it being Hockey season, and me taking more of an interest in it, I'm hoping to gain sattelite access or possibly something from online that will allow me to watch ALL Vancouver Canucks games in the near future.
Hopefully we'll be getting some new group player games & controllers to go with our game systems soon as well. I'm hoping, also, to collect video game systems to add to our already large stash.
On a side note, I think it would be wonderful to add to Mr's tool collection. Is that weird?
Friday, November 11, 2011
Finally, a weekend that I get to spend in my own home!
I've been suffering from strange dreams. Dreams about sex, about people, about friends I've not seen in years, about places I can barely recall the particulars of. It would seem I'm surring from another bout of remembering.
This means that I'm remembering more than I care to.
I've got a feeling of blah. I'm shutting it down because to struggle my way through the feelings related to those memories is just too difficult with all that is going on in our family right now. I often wonder to myself just what consitutes as good timing. LOL When is it best to relive those memories? When it is safest?
I've been finding myself sporradically crying, and randomly freezing because something triggered me and I'm reliving it inside myself, but no one else knows what's going on. This means I've been getting worried glances and plenty of "are you ok?" 's from the Mr. It's difficult to explain when all I want to do is forget. I just don't think I possess the strength right at this particular time, given the battle we're already in.
Unfortunately, this also means that I've been shutting down more frequently. A case of avoidance. Not good when children demand attention from you, and can tell when you're not there. I zone, I tune out, I glaze over, disconnect. My actual self is up in the air, right behind me, watching over my shoulder.
Quite honestly, there's SO much going on, I just don't want to deal with any of it. But, life goes on, and I'm doing the best I can to unload each week, and make sure I rest when I can.
I do believe when this weekend is over, I'll have more phone calls and appointments to make.
at 5:01 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I finally got my hair cut. After having it cut, the length of hair I donated was 14 inches. Holy schmoly! No wonder it kept getting in the way! ;-)
I'm losing track of how many times I've donated my hair now, anyone out there keeping count for me?
at 12:02 PM
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Wow, that was a busy October! Thanksgiving, a surprise Birthday Party, a weekend in Washington, a passing in the family, a Halloween bash in Clearwater. It just doesn't stop!
I'll start with my birthday weekend. It was wonderful that I had a small handful of friends and family join us for a weekend surprise party. I felt totally schmo-ish with the outfit I was in, but at least I was showered ;-) Card Games, Food & Movies, my kinda weekend.
The week following we got word that another family member had passed on. With this we took off to Washington. This news was devastating, and enough to throw us into schock for at least another week. Once the shock wore off a bit we were able to proccess our thoughts on the situation, and put our feelings into words. This included the action we will take in the wake, and I'm asking everyone to cross their fingers that this proccess will go quickly, and that the person we feel is responsible will be brought to justice.
We spent this last weekend in Clearwater with friends, and joined in on another birthday party/Halloween party. I slaved for four days on my costume (a modest belly dancer), and in the end won first prize at the party :oD
The kids had a blast in their first ever store-bought Halloween Costumes. They loved them so much it was difficult getting them out of them so I could wash them (after 3 nights sleeping in them I put my foot down) and mend them (tears happen easily in store-bought stuff). Instead of a costume party at school, they had a "Black & Orange" day. It was fun watchign the kids participate in all of the games, and helping out the teachers with each one. It was quieter than I expected at home while handing out candy. I'm thinkin next year I'll go with votive candles for my jar luminaries as well, rather than tea lights as they'll be easier to light.
This coming weekend we're headed to Kelowna to enjoy a weekend with family to celebrate our 10th Anniversary. Yikes, not really sure how that happened, but really feels like I blinked & missed it. Good thing I've blogged about it all, or I wouldn't have a clue what we'd done in those 10 years! LOL
For the US Thanksgiving we'll be headed to Washington once again to enjoy a dinner put on by my MIL. We've invited nearly everyone we know (or at least it feels like it) and are expecting a pretty decent turn out.
Mr has been hired by the local School District, and I've applied there myself. So, at least things are getting underway here. Let's hope all this hype is worth something in the end.
at 10:52 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I'm officially 30 years old today.
My mind is blown because I never, not once that I can recall, thought I'd live to see my 30th Birthday and beyond.
Seriously. No joke. Never ever thought I'd live past 30, and here I am.
What the hell do I do with myself now?
I think my first order of business will be to get my hair chopped & donated. We'll see what happens after that.
at 8:12 PM
Thursday, October 13, 2011
(To play along, click the image below)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
at 8:07 PM
Sunday, October 09, 2011
at 9:50 PM
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Anyhow, once they all dried, I painted faces on them with the black acrylic paint, instead of gluing paper cut-outs on. It was a relatively simple project and allowed me to watch movies during the painting. I like the way they turned out, and will be putting candles in them to line my walkway come Halloween Eve. SO excited.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
We're moved & settled, and both boys are in school. I didn't do anything but well up when we took H to Kindergarten for the first time. They've adjusted well enough, in the school of 74 students that we've enrolled them in.
I've somehow managed to be the first with a cold this year...or maybe it's a sinus infection.
D's goldfish Goldie died earlier this week, after a run of two years with him. He was replaced with a Teddy Bear Hamster, named Peachie.
I've filed for EI, and received all neccesary documentation to not have to work for the next three months. A relief to me, because I still don't feel ready to work.
I'm plagued by constant nightmares, flashbacks, and uncomfortable questions. I have been suffering from sleep disruptance, constant waking & sudden starts.
After many attempts to get myself services, I'm still awaiting call backs. Ahh, this song & dance again.
I hurried up and now I'm waiting.
at 1:20 PM
Thursday, September 08, 2011
at 9:12 PM
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
It's inetersting, because I think this is the first time I've ever put so much effort into a move, and it's actually leaving me feeling very positive.
at 10:13 AM
Sunday, August 28, 2011
While the majority of the issues that were prioritized as first have now passed us by, we're still looking forward to a 50th Birthday Bash for my mummie, and back-to-school for the kids. During such time we'll be finding the home the boys had wanted and moving them in.
at 5:00 PM
Friday, August 12, 2011
at 5:58 PM
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Ok, I've finished Prison Break, and was disappointed by the end, but oh well.
I've moved on to Red Dwarf, and am SO happy that there's something that I love available. I usually only watch it when PBS shows it on one of those money raising things.
Smeg...just thinking of Smeg makes me giggle.
I've been spending time at the beach, and am getting a crazy tan. I can't remember the last time I actually had a tan.
I'm going up to Clearwater on Thursday, to help Mr & family move down to the Okanagan. It`s crazy complicated how it all worked out, but I`m hoping for a smooth transition for them.
Ive given up the A&D person, as I said I didn`t care for his level of professionalism.
Still attaempting to set up follow up appointments with other agencies...still getting a clsed door.
Am thinking I need to apply for a passport soon...
Forgot how sunny & hot it gets in Kelowna....
at 3:20 PM
Thursday, August 04, 2011
at 11:33 AM
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
at 7:50 PM
Thursday, July 28, 2011
at 5:25 PM
Monday, July 25, 2011
at 9:05 PM
Thursday, July 21, 2011
at 3:24 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
at 12:30 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2011
at 12:32 PM
Friday, July 15, 2011
at 12:55 PM
Thursday, July 07, 2011
at 11:48 AM
Monday, July 04, 2011
at 5:43 PM
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I had to come back to Clearwater this weekend for my youngest's 5th Birthday. It's weird being here. Just plain weird.
I was incredibly anxious before I came, and was ill for the first couple of hours, but I'm managing ok now.
My heart breaks when I watch my children, listen to them talk, and hear their delightful giggles. It shatters when they ask me when I'm coming home. It bleeds when they ask me why I can't just see a Dr here in Clearwater instead of seeing one in Kelowna.
My arms ache because they hug me, my throat beats down the sob when they tell me they love me, my eyes get blurry when they smile at me, and I can't breathe because I don't want to leave them.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Kelowna, with empty arms.
Who knows when I'll see them again...maybe next month?
at 11:16 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I'm a little anxious today. I've got an appointment with a psychiarist at the hospital where I am attending a 10 day class in coping skills. While the class itself seems fairly unstructured, I'm making myself attend until the end. It's a challenge waking up and gettingg ready in the morning, given the lack of sleep, but I make it.
Today, I assume that I'll be receiving an initial diagnosis on my mental health. Judging fromt he paperwork they've handed me so far, it looks like I may wind up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course there's a mix of depression in there, but meh.
I've got ideas floating around, and while I sit and simmer them, I'm afraid of which step to take first.
I'm also grieving. Grieving the loss of my relationship, and grieving because I'm starting all over again. All over again, on my own. I'm starting to focus on my mental health on my own. While I have various people I call for support, it doesn't compare to a significant other giving me a hug, telling me they love me, and that it will all be alright. It doesn't compare to sharing myself with someone, with understanding and compassion. I'm relying on myself to get me through this. I have to look inside to find my own motivations. It makes for lonely going. I'm not afraid of being alone, but it would make things a lot more comfortable to cope if I had someone to rely on besides people on the phone.
So, here I am, waiting for a diagnosis and to find out where I can go from there.
My little H is having his 5th Birthday this weekend. I'll be travelling back to visit for the night, then making my way back down to Kelowna. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with seeing all my friends and my spouse, and the kids all at once. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me all the rumors that I've been told are flying around about me. I'm afraid of saying good-bye again after a mere 24 hour visit with my kids. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
I have to start out with nothing, and build myself into a real home, but eventually I'm going to have to move closer to them so I can share custody. I'm not going to be strong enough, or financially stable enough to do that for a while. This means I'm looking at a long time without having the kids in my care. This breaks my heart as well. My two main reasons for living are not within my care because I'm unable to care for them.
It's difficult to do daily reminders that I'm here for them, and that I need to show them what life is supposed to be like. It's difficult not to slip into self pity, and feel sorry for myself. It's difficult not to beat myself up over my many mistakes, over what led me here.
I'm grieving. Grieving the past, possible time wasted, the future that will never be. I now know that I will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, or a 65th (like my step-grandparents did last weekend). I know that I may never have any more children.
I saw some people from my former parenting & family groups the other day, and it broke my heart. I felt jealous that they had what looked like happy families. They had an outpouring of support surrounding them. They had pride. I felt it unfair that they had what they did, and I was sitting there without anyone to cuddle or cheer on.
So, today I see the Doctor, and formulate a plan for how I am going to survive. Let's see what the day will bring.
at 8:34 AM
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Some days I can breathe, some days are tough to get out of bed.
It's quiet, and my mind is occupied by my mom's collection of Buffy The Vampire Slayer series on DVD.
I'm doing projects that allow me to sit on the couch, and occupy my hands.
I miss my kids.
I'm spending a lot of time in reflection. I'm spending a lot of time with myself.
It's been cloudy & rainy a lot. Kind of like how I feel inside.
I bounce back and forth between wondering if it was worth my hospitalization, and considering my future.
The system is giving me a helluva time. Trying to access the help I need is a challenge, but Im working on it.
It's hard to take care of myself. To cook, & eat, bathe, and sleep enough (or too little). Finding a balance isn`t easy.
While I wish my life was what it was, I know I can`t have the things I earned back in Clearwater. I can see the end of my job, and I can see that my life is moving on.
I watch the world continue out the window, I occasionally step out of the house when I`m dragged, and I ponder.
I ponder what I am, what I've done, what's been done to me. I wonder how I can leave my kids, then remember that I wasn`t doing them any good just being there. If I can just keep working, if I can get the help I need, maybe I'll be able to tuck them in at night again.
Maybe it's time I admit just how deeply ill I am. At some point I will need to face the truth. I hide, and I run, but in the end I'm always left alone with myself. In the end I have nothing to fear but what is within myself, ability or depravity.
at 3:31 PM
Friday, June 17, 2011
I saw this idea for a NintendoDS case on craftzine.com.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Motsly magazines that I'm scavenging from the thrift store. Back issues of Chatelaine, O, any crafter mag, and any Canadian mag I can get my hands on.
After all of that reading, I decided I really wanted to try a few different projects. So, off to the thrift stores I went, and came upon my first items to try out. I bought a jewelry box for 2.99 & an old sheet music book for .99. I also grabbed a small handful of various craft brushes for .50.
When I started the bottom edge, I made sure to do the top edges first, wrapping the paper around it, then piecing over top of it.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Well, I've made it to Kelowna, and have made my base of contacts. Have my list of numbers in hand, and an idea of what I'll need to do for myself.
First off, I've contacted the local Cancer Lodge, and will be donating my hair, as it's super long and I'm ready for it to go. This will mark the second hair donation I've done, and I'm sure lots more will follow over the years.
Second, I'll be visiting the Kelowna Mental Health Centre tomorrow to do my intake and go from there with their recommendations.
Tonight I'll be watching the Canucks game, and painting my toenails, cause everyone needs a reason to smile.
I've started watching Buffy The Vampire tv series, as my mom has the complete collection on DVD. Should be fun, as I've run out of magazine's to read. I had picked up a bunch at a thrift store in Kamloops, but have worked my way through them all by now.
Things are looking ok I guess. I received a phone call from a complete stranger in Clearwater to discuss his wife, though they're separated. Was a bit freaked out that he not only knew I was here, but managed to find the landline phone number for where I'm at. Was nice to chat with him though (as most Clearwater folk are quite chatty, and easy to talk to), as I have experience with his situation, and my field of employ, I was able to address his concerns and give him the building blocks he needed to address them with his spouse. Interesting how things happen.
I'm tired, still. It's been quite an effort to not only get out of bed, but to do the daily routine of showering and getting dressed. My head seems to hurt all the time. I can't tell if that's related to muscle tension, or because of my crappy back-up glasses.
I don't yet know if I'll be applying for work here, or if I will be filing for Medical Employment Insurance. It seems overwhelming, but I recall that the first step to issues like this are always the hardest for me.
Despite my sometimes bleak outlook, life is still plodding along...
at 3:39 PM
Friday, June 10, 2011
It's Friday already, and I don't even know what I did with my week!
I've been thinking, reading, and sleeping. Not a whole lot else. I'm heading out this afternoon for another town, and tomorrow my mom will pick me up. Monday I'll be able to set services up for myself somewhere, make appointments.
I haven't been able to bring myself to actually submit my resume to anywhere. I'm afraid, and currently, my fear is holding me back.
The ceremonies for my cousin were long, but enjoyable. I lacked the ability to congratulate her though, as I was having significant trouble speaking past the huge lump in my throat. As I watched all the grad photos in the special reel they played, I couldn't help but think to myself that my cousin was by far the most beautiful grad there. I'm so glad that I call her a part of my family, not only because she's a fantastic person (and so is her mother), but because she's got a calm, self ability, and knows what she wants. I envy that right now. Otherwise I love her to pieces, and am proud that she has the ability to be so successful (I dropped out of high school before I could make it to this point). This afternoon I'm going to take some more pictures of her in her grad gown before I leave town. Hopefully today I'll be able to speak...
at 12:32 PM
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Browsing videos for these guys, this one impressed me with it's creativity.
I'll be attending my cousins graduation commencements ceremonies tonight. The second I've ever attended, and I'm really looking forward to it.
at 1:46 PM
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
My blog has been honest, and while I've held back some items for safety/privacy reasons, this is not something I'm going to hold back.
What I want my readers to know is that this is a part of my everyday life, and if there are others out there who feel like I do, know that I'm here. Let's do it together.
at 10:26 PM
My eyes are killing me. I broke my glasses on friday, and have been wearing my old pair ever since. I'm suffering frequent headaches, and have had to cut back the amount that I am reading. Sometimes I'm reading job sites online, or am reading a selection of books that I have on hand, or reading varioues news stoeries. I don't like cutting back how much I read, I love reading, even though I complain about it once and while. I'm gonna give an online site for glasses a try, after a visit to the Optometrist to get a prescription.
at 8:22 PM
Sunday, June 05, 2011
I own my own home where the rooms are themed, decorated, clean & bright. I have a large yard with swings, a sandbox & trampolline. I have a garden that is thriving & flowers that love me. I feel beautiful in my home, content. I have a small car & minivan. I have a job that I enjoy which leaves me satisfied. My children are helpful, capable, respectful, curious & independant. They smile, laugh & prosper. I have hobbies that I enjoy, quiet to pass the time & a need to explore. I am grateful for each day, the revealations that life shows me. I am full of energy & ability & I don't hold back. I stand for my beliefs, but keep my mind & heart open. I don't fear change, but accept it with grace. I value my elders & accept what they teach me. I give my love freely, expect nothing in return & get more that I know what to do with.
at 6:16 PM
Friday, June 03, 2011
I just need a little companionship.
Sometimes, I find myself in need of human touch.
I have a lot of contacts on my phone, and it never fails, when I need someone, no one answers me.
I can see myself falling into the midst of a serious bout of severe depression. I can see it clearly. Like watching a movie in HD.
I can't bring myself to do my usual hobbies, I find interactions with my children exhausting, I have a hard time doing anything but lay in bed. Work is an extreme chore, despite the fact that I love my jobs. I constantly feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like eating anything at all. I shower because I have to.
I want someone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it'll be alright someday, and that someday isn't far away.
I want someone to hold my hand on my way to work, and encourage me.
I want someone to help me play with my children, bit by bit, and let me know it's ok that I've had enough.
I want someone to tell me to rest every now and then.
I want it to be ok that I'm depressed, and not this horrible calamity that it actually is.
I need support. I need constant support. I need someone I can call at any hour and know that I can cry through the line and still feel like I can meet their gaze the next day.
I want to feel that what I'm feeling right now isn't "psycho", or "fucking crazy", or "just being a bitch".
I want someone to understand me, to empathize with me, and to let me know that I'm ok. I don't want to be stigmatized, to feel guilty just to have feelings.
I want to be able to laugh again. I want to be able to smile, genuinely. I want to enjoy the little things, to fascinate over the wonders of the universe, and enjoy being alive.
I don't want to swim in emotional torment, to feel like I'm drowing in my own body, to despise the fact that I'm waking up each and every goddamned morning.
I don't want to hide my tears, to face a smile, to force conversation that I just don't have in me, to pretend that life is actually liveable, to pretend that everything is ok.
I've been on medication since last summer, but medication alone can't save me. I need support, I need an outlet, and I need to get my life moving again. I need love.
at 8:41 PM
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
at 6:40 PM
Saturday, May 28, 2011
at 4:10 PM
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Phew. I can't believe it's been over a month since I last blogged. How did that happen?
I'm working three jobs, and have been since Spring Break and the last time I blogged. Pregnancy Outreach, Daycare, and Preschool Teacher Assistant. That being said, I've really only got about 33 paid hours per week to rack up. It's decent pay, and enjoyable jobs, but MAN! I'm beat by the time I get home, and it's been a regular routine of early to bed and up with the birds.
There's been a number of changes at work that have me scratching my head and thinking "This is just too easy!" One of which, has allowed me to apply for the position (I think it's beginning in September) of Preschool Teacher. Scary, exciting, intimidating, and thrilling.
My daycare hours are now being trimmed back, and will quite possibly dwindle even further in light of employee interactions.
My Pregnancy Outreach Program is going well, and has begun posing some interesting new challenges that are really keeping me on my toes.
I recently traveled down to Kamloops for a week to go for training in the World Health Organization's 20 hour Breastfeeding Course (Making A Difference). It was delightful, informative, and wonderfully enlightening. I was surprised that despite being in a roomful of professionals (Various Nurses, a Doctor, Pediatrician), I was comfortable and even able to share some of my experiences and information as a front line worker. Our different perspectives really enabled us to cover a lot of information while sharing some things with one another that we might not otherwise have come across.
SO, in short...I'm doing well, and am happy with the way things are going, as I'm busy, and being challenged every day in a different way. The best part is, these are such insurmountable challenges that I'm left overwhelmed, but are dynamic enough to mesh together well, and leave me wanting more...so, I asked for it.
I've booked my time off from work to go North in the end of June to enjoy attending my Uncle's Wedding with my family. I'm leaving my plans until the last minute, as I really don't think I'm capable of planning that far in advance right at this particular moment in time.
I've been watching the Canucks games in the playoffs, and am really enjoying getting riled up while I'm at it.
Life is swell, and though I have a number of personal circumstances that aren't so great, I think I'm coping quite well despite this fact.
at 5:29 PM
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I've been feeling twitchy this week. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that D turns 9 tomorrow ;o)
I've been feeling kinda bluesy, and nto able to put my finger on why.
I visited some gal pals today (muchly needed), and discovered my issue. I'm having The Spring Blues.
I've been a renter as long as I've been able to have my own place, never actually having a home of my very own. I've always decorated it the way others wanted to, or not been able to make the changes that suited me because it's never been mine.
In two weeks, Mr becomes a Permanent Resident of Canada. We've been working for this for 7 years, and it's finally coming! I'm excited.
At the same time, my need for a place to call my own is starting to make itself known.
I'm tired of renting, or holding off on changes I'd like to make because it's not in the contract, or just too much effort if we're just going to move in a few months.
Goddammit I just want to know something is permanent! I want my own sense of security, and to know the satisfaction of not putting anything else off to "when I'm able to".
I'm able to now. I'm fucking capable, and willing, and earnest, even, to get something started!
I'm am thoroughly sick of wishing and dreaming of "someday" when I may be able to decorate or paint in shades that I like, or arranging furniture the way that best suits me, or having my own sewing room, or garden to grow and plant and tend.
My spring blah's have me antsy, chomping at the bit, and rearing to go.
Unfortunately, I'll have to be patient a while longer until credit can be established, after all...only fools rush in.
For the time being, I'm going to content myself (hopefully) with building some staggered shelves for my garden pots that'll be growing my peppers, peas & tomatoes (if they continue to grow from the seeds I've planted with my kids' help this week) and anything else that catches my fancy. I'm going to learn how to use a hammer and nail, and any other power tool that may be required, as these have always represented permanence or change when I wasn't ready for it, and scared the daylights out of me. I've got two friends who need home repairs, and who aren't opposed to me helping out in exchange for teaching me how to do said repairs. Hopefully this will curb my craving for stability long enough to get what we need done to eventually get into our own home.
Spring has jumped up and bit me right where it counts, and boy howdy, this year I'm gonna do something about it!
at 7:59 PM
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I don't know that I've ever explained what I do for a living. In case I haven't, to put it simply, I am the first stop to prevent children from being removed from the home. I am contracted by the government to teach parenting skills to at risk families.
I am humbled, at times, that I was chosen to do this job. There are times when I feel overwhelmed when I consider the implications that I've been entrusted with. I have group of professionals who are accredited, hold degrees, doctorates, and have education much farther than myself who hold me in high esteem.
I do my job well.
How do I know? Well, for starters, I've made it more than a year. I've got a group of clients that I've been working with for this length of time that trust me. I've seen improvements in some people whom I didn't know had it in them, but that I thought it might be a good idea to pass information off to. I know through evaluation and experience what can be expected from my clients, and what may take a little bit of encouragement to bring about. I hold faith that each and every one of my clients will reach their full potential, if I can find the key that will enable them to reach for it.
I have faith.
I am dedicated to my clients. I love their children. My clients know this. My clients know that I am in their lives to encourage and support them. My clients know me.
While there are boundaries that are not to be crossed, I am honest with my clients. I am honest about myself, and about my faith in them. I trust my clients. I have since the first day I entered their home. I have given myself completely to them. I give them respect, trust, and honesty. They return it. This is how I know that I do my job well.
Today was a tough day. I dealt with grief. I dealt with it in my client, and with myself, as this client was the spouse of my original client who had passed away. I'm honored that this person is choosing to keep me in their lives, and is allowing me to help them, in any way that I can. I was saddened because I can see the outcome, if we fail. There is only so much that I can do. While I will do whatever I can, they have to do their part.
I printed out a list for D to start focusing on at home for chores before he's allowed privileges like video games. He did everything on it today without question.
I asked my supervisor if we could open our program up to Single Dads and Grandparents (as opposed to just the Pregnant Mothers we've advertised), and he said yes. I asked if we could try to open up the avenue for a parenting group for my clients, and I was handed the manuals and training materials for a group facilitators. I asked if I could order more resources, I was told as long as it's before the end of this month (fiscal year).
I asked the Daycare manager if I could enroll for more ECE courses, and she said they'd pay for at least two this year, so long as I took the steps to begin the proccess.
I joined a Breastfeeding Committee in town, and am now in training to become a LaLeche League leader, as well as facilitating a Breastfeeding group until we're LLL accredited.
I asked for the opportunity to have clients as far as our program reaches (2 hours north) and today my co-worker asked me if she could refer someone from this region to my program.
I've been working for months on a manual for my program specifics, and this week the Prenatal answers I've been searching for fell in my lap.
I asked my co-worker (other half of my program) if she would be willing to switch days to accommodate me taking on another position in a different job, and she said "Please do, they're desperate!"
I got back to my office today from my difficult visit, and my co-workers cried with me. I asked for someone to listen, and they waited quietly to hear what I had to say until I was finished pouring my heart out. Afterwards they said I'm not alone.
Today a client told me she trusts me more than her own family.
I asked this week, and I've heard nothing but yes.
I'm thinking I should ask more often.
at 8:27 PM
Thursday, March 10, 2011
You know, I was laughing last year, at my friends who were hitting this hurdle. I guess it's their turn now.
I've recently been pondering the health of my family. I don't like what I see. There is a line of genetics that will be working against me as I age.
I could put this information off until I get older...but, I'm turning 30 this year. It's important that I start paying more attention to my health than what I've been paying it in the past.
I've determined, that I'm absolutely certain that the year of my 30th birthday will be the year change will be in place.
I've been in a genuinally good mood all week. Part of this is due to the fact that I know that I can commit to tehse changes, and that I've got a good idea of when I want these changes to take place and how.
The other part of it is due tot he fact that spring is in the air. Sure, there's still feet of snow on the ground, it's still brisk out, the sun comes and goes, and it can still get quite gloomy here...but that hasn't stopped me from busting out some of my more treasured outfits, and showing a new leaf in my office-wear to work. Mr. B is shedding like a son-of-a-gun and he's been restricted to a section of the house we don't frequent to lessen the allergic reaction portion of his year.
We had a parent/teacher conference w/D's teacher today. It went well. We've got a clear idea of how to address the insignificant issues taking place, and a clear idea of what we can expect when he starts Grade 4. We're excited that a lot more extra-curricular teams will open up to him. I'm very proud to report that he's currently reading at an advanced 4th grade level as well! With constant communication and a clear avenue of approach, I'm hoping that his journey into his tweens will leave us all a little less bumped than we've been.
D turns 9 on the 25th. This will (as stated above) officially place him in his tweens. I'm rather intimidated to ponder that I will someday be dealing with a teenager, and not this beautiful little boy who's here right now.
H is formally registered to begin K in the fall. I'm sad for that, but alas. I'll have two children in school in September, leaving Mr & I free to pursue full time employment.
On that note, Mr received his approval letter for his Permanent Residency. The next step is an interview in Kelowna w/Immigration, and then we shall be free of this proccess.
I've pulled out my sewing machine, and am planning a few small projects for myself. I'm feeling inspired, and I really do want my home to look it's best, so I'm hoping I can hold on to this feeling.
at 5:25 PM