Christmas...We sat down to open gifts at midnight on Christmas eve, as usual, and I sadly decided to leave Darius out of the fun for th evening as he had just fallen asleep not too long before. So, it was just us adults trying to tear open the fun...almost felt like a traitor.
I got some nice things...a pretty necklace from Pokie, a couple of maternity items that I'm going to need in the future. :o)
I also got a Naslund t-shirt...and chance got a bertuzzi, a good lookin book, Under the Tuscan Sun, and a 30 Dollar Wal Mart gift card, and some other things that I can't think of right this second.
Can't tell ya what anyone else got...seems like ages ago already.
Christmas was good, and was even nicer when everyone was gone before New Years...give our poor toilet a break LOL
We did a quick trip to take Pokie to the toll booth, gramma and ralph home, and dropped marty off in Kamloops. I drove us home, and then ended up calling in sick the next day...so I didn't work for a whole week. I worked Christmas eve day, and not again until New Years eve day, and I worked New Years as well. *sighs*
Could barely keep my eyes open for New Years as I was sleeping with D when Chance woke me up for it. Dunno why, just wasn't into the whole socializing thing this year for any of the majour events. N/m that, but my body wasn't agreeing with me...aches and pains, and headaches enough to knock down the strongest of us.
Paul and Mary came over for Christmas...strange cause Paul likes Mary and apparently he spent the evening hitting on Mary, and Mary...had a tooth missing...dunno the story there, but her smile was scary! big black gap right next to her front tooth...hmm...oh yeah, that's sexy.
New Year in any event...oh boy, better be better than the last one...and the one before that.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Christmas...We sat down to open gifts at midnight on Christmas eve, as usual, and I sadly decided to leave Darius out of the fun for th evening as he had just fallen asleep not too long before. So, it was just us adults trying to tear open the fun...almost felt like a traitor.
at 4:26 PM
Friday, December 23, 2005
It's getting closer and I can't stop it...AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
So, went to my ultra-sound, where we could barely get a good shot of the baby, and I nearly wet their exam bed. The stupid exam requires that I drink 4 cups of water one hour before the exam, and you hafta hold it while she's pushing really hard on your belly. Riiight. I ended up waiting as long as I could before I told her, I'm not going to be able to hold this anymore. Then she let me go pee before inviting the family in to take the picture. Well, when we went to finally take the picture, the baby wouldn't sit still for it (typical kid). First it rolled over, then it kicked out, then it took a swing at the lady pushing on it so hard, then it was looking this way and that. Finally, got a cute shot. :o)
Steven arrived later that eve, and yesterday Gramma and Ralph arrived with Jay and his g/f&daughter arrived with them. I wasn't sure whether or not they were planning on staying at all, so I ended up buying/making gifts for them anyways. His g/f was surprised at that, and her daughter was very cute. Got a couple of pictures of Darius playing with her, they seemed to get on very well. Apparently Kali (sp?) is only 3 months older than Darius. So, before they left (they were just stopping in before heading back to Chu Chua) they had dinner, and I gathered their gifts for them. :o)
Today, mom, Steven, and Gramma all went out shopping. Chance went to work with Art, and Kimmie is now asleep, as is Darius. I've been working on my very special gift for Chance, and am so nervous and jumpy about it, I don't know if I can finish it.
Made some chicken soup for lunch for Ralph and I...pretty good if I do say so myself.
Took D to the Dr's yesterday mornin cause he has a bad cough that just sounds terrible. She told me it wasn't anything major (even though it's been round for a week now), and to just keep giving him cough syrup and give him salty foods. Apprently the salt helps break up the congestion. I learn something new everyday.
Was instructed to phone Pokie today, and when I did, was a very quick phone call. Can't member the last time I phoned her and said so little. Oh well. :o)
Anywho...was just taking a breather after a false alarm thinking that Chance was home. Think I may need a bigger break though cause I'm just not feeling all that great. :oP
Sore throat, chest congestion, and a dry hacking cough. plus yucky phlegmy sneezes on the half hour? Ew...who's idea was it to create the human cold?
at 1:19 PM
Monday, December 19, 2005
Wow...kinda took me by surprise that Christmas is so close at hand now...counting down to when everyone begins arriving for what I'm sure will be another memorable year.
Was thinking about it today, and I can't imagine what it would be like to do Christmas without my family again. Whenever it wasn't with my family, it really was not anything special...not like staying up until 2am playing scrabble, and playing air guitar in a five piece band...
Did some more wrapping today...after going Christmas shopping with my mom again this week, I've only got 2 ppl left to buy for, and they're not that big of a deal...
I'm also gearing up for my first ultrasound...getting rather excited as I keep getting conflicted reports about the size of my tummy...but I'm sure that'll clear up once all my goofball family gets here.
Managed to feel rather accomplished this evening. Got rid of D and Chance for a bit, sent them sledding, and started on Chance's gifts...almost finished one, just need something from the store...and the other one I almost finished as well, except it's too short dammit. I dunno what I'm gonna do, I may hafta dig out the remnants to see if I have enough, but I'm not sure if I will cause I had barely enough to do it as it was. Also made 5 gifts for the family that match, just gotta figure out who I'm gonna give em too, and cut out twogifts for Niamh, whom I've learned will be joining us for Christmas.
So, all in all, I'm expecting 7 extra family members this year, though it could really be only 6, either way, it's gonna be a ton of fun that brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.
A thought on Christmas spirit and cheer.
I honestly do not believe it's even left. Each time I've been to the store to do my shopping, I've been cut off, bumped out of the way, and budged around...and not once have I heard an "excuse me, pardon me, or may I pass". I'm so saddened by the lack of generosity, and basic manners amongst my fellow people this year/ Even in my own household, a main focal point is money, and the fact that we're having so many people over and blah blah blah. It almost feels as if there's no Christmas spirit here sometimes as well.
I often joke with Sylvia that she really needs to have me in when I'm having family over because I need the escape...and the reality check that calms me down so much. I love going to her house during those hectic times because it is so quite, and I actually get to think without really being interrupted.
Well, here's to bringing the spirit back to life...
at 12:06 AM
Friday, December 16, 2005
Well, I hafta say, so far I'm doing relatively all-right with the stress levels.
I've figured on what I can and cannot do...as I tols my uncle lastnight...just take a deep breath and enjoy the season.
So, Pokie won't be able to make it for Christmas...D's very disappointed. We had his pre-school Christmas Party yesterday, and he began telling everyone how he was going to go and visit his Candice and play games with her and that he was excited about it...when I had to pull him aside and tell him we we were not going to go and pick her up this year, he asked me why. I told him she had to work, and he said, I miss her when she works. *sighs* I believe he's learned the value of family.
D's party was great...we made mini-gingerbread houses out of graham crackers and dried fruit for the kids, and we got to sit in with everyone while the kids sang us a song, and gave out cards and gifts to the parents, and then recieved gifts from the teachers, and then played for the remainder of the time. Was quite enjoyable.
Afterwards, D and I went downtown by ourselves, where we had lunch at the Royal Bakery (the best sausage rolls and glazed doughnuts in the world) and then went to Planet pacewalkers, where we played for about 2 and a half hours. For a portion of that, D made some friends, and actually didn't want anything to do with me, whilst he ran around with some other boys...was quite amazing. *sigh* He's growing up too fast.
Getting our cards out today...finally.
I broke 3 nails yesterday at Spacewalkers...jeepers.
Upside...got lots of cuddles and snuggled from D lastnight...yay me!
I'm planning on getting a new bed...no matter what I need to do to get the damned thing. My hips are sore, my back is sore, my neck is sore and I always wake up with a headache...I'm miserable on that stupid futon.
D's been playing with this huge box mom sent me to get from he roffice...rather interesting what kinds of things he stashes in there.
at 10:43 AM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I've got just enough to do what I need to do...but god is it ever grating on my nerves.
at 10:57 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Wasn't a bad day today...slept in, and when I called Sylvia, she said not to come in because there was a change in plans. Yay...I got to stay home today.
Helped get D ready for pre-school, then sat round wondering what to eat. Hopped online and chatted with mom for a few before we both decided that it was a good day to go thrift shopping.
It was a perfect day for Thrift shopping, we got out early, and the sun was shining all day1 It was beautiful, and even the thrift store workers were cheery...everyone we came across was in a good mood. We didn't get home until 2:30, and I left the house at 10:15 this morning.
I'm so excited...I seen so many thing that I wanted, but bought only a few, and one of which in particular that I'm just exstatic over. I'm planning on making Chance something that he's wanted for a long time...am positive that he'll be surprised when he sees it, but am also sure that he'll really like it. Isn't it funny, I found the perfect gift in a thirft store?
Anywho...seen a rocking chair that I fit perfectly for only 12 bux that I didn't buy, and a perfectly good carseat that's newer, no stains, with a base and working fine for 45 that I also didn't buy because I thought Chance wouldn't agree with it...even though our first car seat was used.got myself a really pretty yellow dress yesterday which i spent my day shopping for accessories for, and managed to find a scarf and a pair of shoes to match both were only 2.99 at Value Village. I was also very surprised to find that Value Village had the biggest selection of maternity wear out of any store (asides from an actual maternity wear store) that I've been into...and the majority of the stuff was still new.
Went grocery shopping on Tuesday with Chance, cause I needed to buy all of my baking goods...am rather ashamed at how low I let my baking stocks get. Spent only about 90 dollars, that with about 17 dollars in coupons...so I'm not complaining. Gearing up to send out my Christmas cards...got them all done up, and pictures are inserted, just hafta add the last little messages and they're off! Yay
Still have plenty of Christmas shopping to do, but I've managed to buy a few small things here and there...and am hoping to be able to buy more, but who knows what my future holds. As it stand now I have the choice of paying my truck lease payment, or buying Christmas gifts for everyone that I want to buy for. All I can say is...I hope they can understand...and survive with only gifts that ican make for them...cause that's mostly what I'm doing this year, making gifts for everyone. :o)
Bringing the true Christmas spirit back.
at 8:30 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Gosh...I seem to have this constant headache...back of my head...down my neck.
Damn...tension headaches are back.
Stupid things never seem to go away unless I concentrate solely on not tensing my shoulders up. yay.
And to think, I'm not allowed Ibuprofen.
at 7:15 PM
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Well, my first ultra sound is schedualed for Dec. 21st. They're going to measure baby to make sure I'm as far along as we all think I am, and not farther. Have already felt baby move...little flutterings in my tummy.
Trying to take it easy...not stress myself out...going as slow as possible.
We have a couple of options, but it's rather difficult to figure out which one to go with.
Our bad choices already bit us hard, what's a couple more gonna do?
at 10:31 AM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Don't put aside what you can do today until tommorow, cause yesterday always bites you in the ass.
If you're anything like me, it bites really fucking hard, and waits to taste the blood before it even thinks of letting go.
Why Christmas...why now.
Fucking god damn it all to hell cause we're headed there and we'd like company from time to time.
at 3:47 PM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
So I gets a phone call from Chance at work...I was busy at the time, so when John passed on the message, he said it was "important". First thing that went through my head was crap, what happened this time?
Anyways, he said he finally got his work permit. Yay...my husband can now work. So, he now has a temporary SIN number. Yay!
I'm doing snoopy dances now...can you see me?
at 4:22 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Yup, got today off this week as well. :o)
Copied all pictures from the computer to disc, am gonna hafta delete them now...haven't gotten round to that.
Took D to pre-school and picked him up.
Sorted through all of D's clothes, and pulled out all that are too small, and tossed in some that are too big. Had him clean his room and pick up his toys from the living room.
Put his laundry away as well.
He's sleeping now, I imagine he'll be quite hungry when he wakes up cause he didn't have the biggest snack b4 his nap.
Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and it's running now. Just pots left to wash, which I really should do, but am too lazy to get round to.
I tidied the entry-way in the proccess of looking for any of the matching shoes in Darius' showbox...there's about 5 missing pairs. Hmm...
Found the odublesided tape which cammo-ed itseld in D's block bucket.
Had a snack...and breakfast today...amazing.
Weighed myself yesterday at Sylvia's and discovered that I had lost 7lbs since I found out I was pregnant! :oO oops.
Went shopping lastnight for some food that I can eat...forgot to buy tofu. Have Raspberries and Strawberries and blueberries on the mind tho...wrong time of year darnit.
Chance asked me why I was so crabby yesterday...I was so hungry, but everything that I thought of to eat just turned my tummy upside down. I LOVE to eat, and during these last two weeks I just haven't been able to...loss of appetite, nasuea, texture. It sucks being a food lover who can't eat. Never mind having to watch those you love eat like it's their last meal.
In any event...have been fairly productive today so far if I do say so myself.
Almost got into an accident on my way to drop off D at school, cause some schmo wasn't paying attention to his driving and damn near hit us head on...he would've had I not swerved off the road to miss him. Let's all picture amber pounding madly at the center of her mom's steering wheel before realizing that the horn is on the side.
Stupid morning drivers.
at 1:33 PM
Monday, November 14, 2005
Helped Darius make his Ama a gift tonight...he was really pleased with himself, and hasn't stopped playing with them since.
Am going to have to hunt down the card making things and get a head-start on Christmas Cards. ;o]
Darius talked to his Uncle Marty on the phone and without me saying anything of the sort, he said I love you and I miss you Uncle Marty, can you drive a long ways away to come and visit me now?
Almost broke my heart, he sure does love his Uncles.
Am contemplating Hope chests for my children...and a diary for Darius.
Oh if the clock didn't keep on going it would be a lot easier to act upon on my thoughts.
at 7:35 PM
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I hate being sick...it sucks.
I hate being sick and pregnant even more. Let's combine never-ending sniffles, fever, headache, and nasuea. Bright idea.
Woke up this mornin and felt the need to do something.
Mom was nice and brought me breakfast in bed...an english muffin and a mandarin orange, and a cup of tea. Yum. :o)
So today, the boys cleaned the yard and tidied up the shed, and mom and I just kind of puttered inside. The boys made 2 trips to the dump...and I am currently waiting on double sided tape before I start decorating the house for Christmas...I'm giong to go overboard, I know it.
I'm gonna put a nice display in the front window. :o] Kimmie and Iboth agree we should put a small tree in there with some lights and such. We shall see.
Am currently washing all of our winter stuff...jackets, mitts and hats, and snowpants. Never really occurred to me to do it before...holy schmoley this is a lot of work.
OMG, I was cleaning out a box of old school work and such that Chance had brought in for me to go through, and I actually screamed and scooted along the floor about 2 feet because a big brown spider jumped out at me and landed on the box I had been cleaning out. *shivers* yuck...
I had in total, probly about 5 spiders in total come out of that one stuid box...YUCK!
Mom made us all a yummy lunch, which I didn't have too much trouble eating.
Looks like Chance may be catching my cold...poor guy.
at 5:43 PM
Friday, November 11, 2005
you know...every year I tell myself I'm gonna start my Christmas Shopping early...and this year, I started mine today.
at 4:56 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Well, when I first told Darius that he was going to be a big brother, and that I had a baby in my tummy, he didn't quite understand. His hand was on my tummy, and he looked up at me and said "I'm too little to be a big brother"
Today, whilst grocery shopping, this Credit Card woman approaches us and sucks us when. When She asks who's going to sign, both Darius and I answered "I will" at the same time. She looked at him and smiled and said she thought he was still too little to sign as she walked over to me. He replied "I'm not little, I'm a big brother!"
at 2:03 PM
Avery Rochelle for a girl...and Hunter Elias for a boy
Apparently MSP covers Midwives...I'm in my heyday!
and...according to the online calculator, my due date is July 2, 2006 (Sunday).
I'm also very interested in buying this e-book...
oh...the joys of choices and decisions.
at 1:53 PM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
I got 3 urine tests on thursday that confirm I'm pregnant...and I go in for a blood test on Monday to confirm. Oh Boy...
Big step...deep breaths...
at 9:48 AM
Monday, October 31, 2005
A little disappointing...Chance overheard some kids when they were coming to the door saying..."This is the scary house!" "oh, I guess it must be next door." :o(
I swear, that almost made me cry...the house is usually so done up, some kids don't even want to come up to the door cause it's too scary, I'm afraid this year falls so short it's rather pathetic.
Darius is a White Knight this year, and I'm a Black Widow...so that department, st least, did not fall short.
I'm also sad to say that the amount of trick-or-treaters is rather small so far compared to other years as well. Oh well, guess everyone is either growing up, or going else-where.
Chance and D went out trick-or-treating, and I haven't seen them in over an hour...me-thinks D is gonna have a big haul this year.
Our neighbour, Duncan, from down the street came by to see if Darius was gonna come to his house or not, and I had to tell him I hadn't seen them in a while so I'm assuming that they are making a big loop.
Chance has always been about Quantity over quality...lucky kid.
at 7:17 PM
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Yup...Darius has his Halloween Party at school tommorow, and dumbass that I am, left everything till the last minute. :o] Makes me feel more productive when I get it all done at once.
So, I've made him a scary ghost costume, and 9 Orange-o-Lanterns.
All in a three hour time span...I ROCK!
at 9:38 PM
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Chance went to take his friends' camper, and put it on our lot for storage yesterday. When he arrived, he was surprised to find that our camper was gone. Period.
Someone had taken an axe and a sledge hammer to our camper, and had knocked it down to nothing. Apprently, they claim that our lot belongs to them, or their Uncle(whom happens to live in Saskatchewan, and I'm also assuming can't make it here to show proof of ownership), and that our lot was sold through a realtor to them. Like...yeah, right.
I'm sure they would have notified us by either the Realtors we dealt with, OR our Lawyers.
So...I no longer own a camper.
Here's for the long haul...an over-all bad year, I swear I hope it just gets itself over and done with, so I can start fresh again.
at 11:24 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Boy oh boy. I'm 24 today.
Went to the casino with mom lastnight, and didn't even notice that midnight had come and gone, and that the 17th had turned into the 18th. The pit boss on duty did, and proceeded to holler across the pit "Happy Birthday Amber" bringing everyone's attention to my half asleep ass. After blushing was over, she then called me over to give me a casino gift pack...a pack of cards, a pad of paper and pen, and a compact mirror. :o] was nice of her.
Sylvia gave me a pair of really pretty earrings, and I got to visit with laurie for a little while after my dr's appy.
Came home to a yummy dinner of steak, asparagus, and noodles. Was great, plus an adorable home-made card made especially for me by Darius and Daddy. It was the bestest gift.
Am kinda tired today, as it was busy and I stayed up late lastnight...but it's been a good day, can't complain.
at 8:11 PM
Friday, October 14, 2005
Wow...what an amazing performance.
I thought myself rather sad when I first thought about the fact that I didn't know a whole lot of Jann Arden songs whilst on the bus here...but after seeing her live, I wouldn'tve wanted it any other way. It was an absolutely beautiful performance, with amazing vocals and heart-touching lyrics. If I wasn't a fan before...I certainly am now.
If it wasn't for the stupid ladies sitting behind us, and the fact that almost everyone was wearing something black, and did nothing more than bob their heads from time to time, it would've been perfect. But why bother with the uncontrollable?
Was an adventure getting there and back as well.
The theatre was on Cambie, but to get to it, we had to take the Hwy to Hastings, and then were forced to drive all the way down it to Pender...That was IN-teresting. Crowds, and mobs of homeless people, just standing around...some intoxicated, some sleeping, one was barefoot, and other just moping from corner to corner. let's not forget the prostitutes. Scary thing to drive down Hastings at night because you almost feel like you're going to be mobbed...if they wanted to, they could've ganged up on us and tipped the lil' ole' car we was in.
I'm glad I'm a good navigator.
at 12:40 AM
Thursday, October 13, 2005
A smaall taste of life by myself...and god is it lonely.
I missed Darius lastnight...saying goodnight, and the whole tirual. It feels strange to be on a small vacation without my family.
Listening to Jann Arden right now, and am really impressed with the depth of her lyrics, on her new album anywho.
Was a long bus ride here, I had forgotten all the stops that it makes, but it's a familiar comfort to know that the stops are all the same...save for one, one the way here. I enjoyed a nice nap between Merrit and Chilliwack. Watched the bus driver give some guy hell for smoking in the bathroom...and he booted him off the bus in Merrit, threatening to phone the cops.
I like Pokie's keyboard...nice and quiet. The two moitors she has hooked up to her comp kinda throw me off, but it's a rather interesting concept.
We had dinner at McDonalds lastnight at the bus station, before headed Surry-bound. Took us about an hour and a half to get back...was 11:15 by the time we finally walked in the door.
We went out for Breakfast this morning at the Pantry...I really miss the connection that family can bring me...only because I seclude myself so. I know I can always expect an honest answer out of everyone, should I ever ask for it.
Went to the Pantry, then Timmy's, then came back to phone Chance to see how D's first school field trip went to the Fruit and veggie market across the street from his school. Then we went back to the Mall so we could look for a shirt for Pokie to wear to Shannon's wedding. Found two in Old Navy that look really good, and create two different looks for her. Then we went in search of a cell phone for her, which took about an hour in the store we stopped at...stupid chick who was helping her, couldn't figure out the computer commads and kept messing it up and having to start all over. N/m the fact that she took a personal call while waiting on us. Customer Service just isn't what it should be these days.
Slept in till Chance phoned me at 20 after 8.
The cats seem to like me...at least they're not running away like they do when D's here.
Kinda excited to meet Pokie's friend Helen, who's going to the concert with us, and is driving.
Candice showed me her photo book, and am really impressed. Wish I could be so Talented.
Told Pokie about my idea of trying out for Canadian Idol this year...chuckles and giggles all the way round.
at 2:47 PM
Monday, October 10, 2005
Thanksgiving day today...Happy one to those reading this.
Let Chance sleep in this mornin...I claimed Saturday to sleep in, and slept until 11. Straight 12 hours, with a little Darius pokin in every now and then telling me it was time to get up.
Was my mornin with the D man, and we had some fun. I got stuff ready for Kimmie to cook breakfast for everyone, then took D outside for some fun.
We played some baseball, and then practiced playing nice, and sharing. Gosh, he's lost a lot of his manners. What a tough age.
What a dinner we had lastnihgt. 2 Turkeys, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, brussel sprouts, broccoli & cauliflower, carrots, stuffing, bread, and buns, gravy.
Alit, Terry, Mary, Steven, Gramma, Mom, Kimmie, Chance, Darius, and myself. Coulda had Art and Kurt as well, but they scrounged somewhere's else.
Lots of leftovers...I put a ton away for my lunches, and froze some for Ralph and Candice. Ralph's been phoning, at least 3 times a day to chat with everyone. Poor guy must be lonely.
So am trying to get my stuff sorted out for my trip...I'm getting excited now. *sighs* This'll one of my first concerts I've gone to without knowing in general at least the majority of the songs being played....hope I'll enjoy it.
We had some ducky visitors today. This last week they've been coming round...just having their own little parade waddling down our street. These ones were pretty small compared to some of them. So we gave them some bread. :o)
We've done nothing but playing games this whole weekend.
Lastnight alone we played Taboo, Yahtzee, Rummy, Crib, Pictionary, and Scrabble. The night before we played some Rummoli, and Gramma hustled us. *g*
Anywho...they're gettin ready to take off somewheres...I'm gonna see if I can tag along.
We took D to Wallace and Gromit's The Curse of the Werebunny on Saturday...was a good movie.
at 12:32 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Darius has figured out what that little pocket/hole is for in the front of his underpants...Cute, but can be kinda messy since he hasn't quite gotten the hang of it yet.
at 3:04 PM
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
My favorite thing about Christmas, besides Christmas dinner with family, is the amount of chocolate....
at 7:50 PM
I've been thinkin a lot of my son these days...watching him, and am ever amazed at what a little man I have on my hands. It makes my heart ache.
at 7:18 PM
Monday, October 03, 2005
You know...it's amazing what insecurities some people harbour...I'm too short, I'm too fat, I've got yucky teeth, my nose is too big...give me a fucking break.
What I've been looking for all my life, is a guy who'll want to be my friend before he even thinks of sleeping with me.
I want to be trusted.
at 11:13 PM
Like Water from heaven, I feel you moving through me.
The drops are coming today, like the ache in my bones. The tightening, and the releases.
Days to sit in front of the fireplace and just watch the flames contemplating another year, and another door.
Imagine the tunnel moving faster, then spinning this way and that, and the colours of your world changing to tell you what your life is. Defining the words, the laughter, the emotions. Defining your tears. Imagine each tear could tell you how to make you happy, imagine that tears could grow.
Flowers that smell so sweet, you can't breathe past the beds, and when you step out of the perfume the clarity of the air almost searing.
Can anyone make alone look pretty?
at 9:35 PM
Ok, so, I've figured my bus ticket will cost me 80 if I buy it today, which I will.
Gramma's, if we did from LF...her return ticket would be 80, so says the website, if we bought it today...*sighs* if I could deposit the money into her account, she could get it. Any contributors?
The question remains, would it be better for me to buy her a return ticket, cause I know she'd like to go to the coast, but that means long driving for mom and kim, unless they just drove her back here, and let her hop it from here...*sighs* So much figuring. And poor Chance, would be left here.
Contemplating letting the Uncle's babysitting, cause mom is discussing taking him with her to the coast, which would be nice for him cause then he could visit his favorite people's.
Will be phoning Gramma to see what she wants to do. But the bus ticket is the only option cause there isn't enough time for anyone to do the driving...Ok, so phoned, am depositing 80 tommorow so she can buy her ticket for Thursday...she'll be staying until Tuesday.
Now that that is cleared up, just gotta figure what I'm gonna do down at the coast.
One load off.
at 3:52 PM
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Here we are again.
We spent 4 days in Little Fort, I amanaged to squeek another day off from Sylvia to drive gramma to a doctor appointment in Kamloops our last day there. Was fun, but only managed to get a single buck. Not a very big one either. *sighs*
I've gained weight...eep! Goddamned food...so good, yet so evil.
Darius is getting more precious everyday.
The other day he said he couldn't do something because he had a broken heart. I also caught him counting backwards from 5 to 1. I'm wondering where he learned those.
Visited with Mary and Devon lastnight, played a game of Monopoly and Sorry...I won Monopoly for once, amazingly.
Am now getting ready to cook myself and D some breakfast...then we're off to Mission Creek Park for River Day, to celebrate the spawning of the Kokanee. It's absolutely beautiful here today, I'll be glad to spend the day out.
at 10:52 AM
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Well, we're off to Little Fort again, and done trying to get everything organized. I love spur of the moment trips, always fun.
So, gramma was talking about needing some help with hunting, and fishing, and canning, so that's why we're off.
Am gonna hafta phone Sylvia to see if I can score Wednesday off so I can take Gramma to a doctors appointment. We shall see.
Yay...coffee's kicking in, and I'm excited.
at 10:41 AM
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Some day it'll be as beautiful as I wish it could be...some day it'll be a nightmare.
Imagine my life without anything. Without family, without communication, without love.
What is a person without love? Love of life, love of the things that they see before them? Would they look for the beauty in the water, or the trees, or the smells of the turning of the seasons?
Or would they just rot, like the fallen leaves of a tree...making way for those who do love.
Poetic Justice? Those who take everything for granted, paving the way for the grateful.
Funny how little things make you think big thoughts.
Salt...there's a story.
I thought of salt one day...where does it come from, how do they make it?
Years ago, they only used salt from the sea, cause that's the only place they could get it from. Could you imagine if everyone in the world now, only used sea salt? Would the dead sea have dried up by now?
Dead Sea salt...laughable concept, but ok.
Eating dead things...does this make us morbid?
Sad that that is how our life can prosper, to only be able to go on with life at the expense of something else's life. Sacrafice...
Would you sacrafice for me?
I think the peas and carrots are laughing at me now...
at 12:57 PM
Well, it's another weekend. This year is just flying by, each day I wake up, I have trouble comprehending that it's a new day again. Days go by faster than a blink...no wonder I can hardly remember what's happening and what's new with my life.
Bumped into an old friend the other night, and they knew I was married and had a child. Made me wonder, but when I asked who they had talked to, they wouldn't tell me. Interesting concept...have I really seen so many old classmates, that they've seen fit to spread the word about me?
Today I'm going to help gramma can plums, and in turn, learn how to can...
I'm finding more and more, especially with how fast everything is moving, I'm starting to worry that Gramma won't be there for me to learn from forever. You know that feeling? The feeling of time going by too fast, and you know you don't have much left?
Morbid, I know, but it gives me a special appreciation that I didn't have before. I listen, I comprehend, I absorb.
Time is a funny thing.
at 10:29 AM
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
We spent the last hour spider hunting after Chance spotted black widow in our driveway...
So, we had about 5 spiders total, but so far, one has killed another, and the rest are looking for a way out of our mason jar.
It's nice to have a widow in our midst again, but kinda scary that it's so close, we haven't caught a widow at home since we lived in Native Housing in Rutland.
at 4:24 PM
Monday, September 12, 2005
Well, today is Candice's 25th birthday...she's a quarter of a century old.
Happy Birthday Pokie!
We'll be phoning sometime...
Finally went to the doctors and got ourselves a family doc. *sighs* Spent over an hour in the office, waiting to see her, a quick 10-15 minute consult, and outta there. I liked her, she seems to have a good head, AND she's an American...from Wisconsin.
So, we're beginning the first round of tests for Darius. Oh boy.
I slept for the afternoon. Stayed up till 1 watching Starship Troopers, and had a bit of trouble getting out of bed this morning.
Kim's brother and sister-in-law stopped in, Reg and Dawn, and we visited for a little while.
Now Darius is playing Mairo Golf, I bet he plays better than I do.
at 5:51 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
It's cold...and wet, and yucky.
Today is the day of our block party, and it's just plain yucky out. I'm hungry, but it's not supposed to start until other members of our block get home from work...so, say, 6:30.
Paul is here with Dino, Harry and one of his friends visited.
I spent my morning getting my platters ready, and am now fearing that i may have gotten too many ready. I always did over-prepare. ;o)
I'm still spinning from the BSB concert, and their cd has yet to leave my truck player. Am trying to enjoy my job, and my week away from mom and Kim at home.
I keep hoping that I'll be headed to Van next month by myself, but I won't hold my breath...*sighs* I would give anything for a weekend where I can sleep as much as I want.
My bones ache...and it seems as though no pain-killer will help.
at 4:58 PM
Monday, September 05, 2005
Wow, went to the Backstreet Boys lastnight with Niamh...and wow, were they ever amazing!
Boogied and sang my heart out the whole night.
Was outraged at my fellow Kelonians' behaviour after the concert...was absolutely disgusted.
Danielle and Niamh spent the night, seeing as Ni and I didn't get back until about midnight. We were kinda freaked out because on our way home, from the halfway point of the bridge to as far on the westside that we could see from the bridge, the power was out. So we were kinda thinking that home mighta been without power, but they were't thankfully.
All day Saturday, Darius had a little lump on his forehead, but it only looked like he bonked it with something, then Sunday, it started to get really large. Like, actually swelling, which I thought was weird, so I took him to the walk-in clinic. The Dr. said to just put ice on it...*rolls eyes*. Carry on to today, and he's still quite swelled, except it's spread to just above his right eye, and down to the bridge of his nose, and he almost looks freakish. Plus, the corners of his eyelid areas is starting to turn reddish. *sighs* We've been putting ice on it, but it doesn't seem to help it, but if it does anything, it's just keeping it from getting too big. He also whalloped it good this morning whilst showering with daddy because he slipped while being too rambunctious (which usually means he's hitting a growth spurt). Lots of ice.
Got up this morning, and dragged myself outta bed, had breakfast, fed Darius and showered. By then Danielle and Niamh still weren't awake. They didn't roll outta bed till about 11. Lucky bums. After everyone looked decent, we ehaded out the door cause the girl's still had some school shopping left to do for Niamh. We took them to Winners, where they decided they didn't feel good and wanted to head home early. :oP So, we parted way, and I dcided to take us to Wal-Mart for some Darius Pre-School shopping. :o] how exciting. Not like there was lots that I needed to buy, but I only really needed some snacks, and new shoes since he's actually growing out of the ones we have here for him. he really only fits about 3 pairs out of the 8 pairs that we have. And they're a little difficult to keep track of. So, new stylin' shoes, some yummy & healthy snacks...and a few miscellaneous things for us adults and the home...and 132 dollars later. *sighs* Oh well. It's all made up for just watching Darius walk about trying on his new shoes, repeatedly, and then putting them in his backpack, and practising putting on and taking off his backpack for school. :oD He's really excited about going to Pre-School. :o] I can't wait for his friest day, which is Thursday.
Have resolved myself to doing at least SOME sewing this week to get Darius some decent looking school clothes because I need to leave a spare with the school for him, just-in-case.
Snagged some Arby's and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening out at Chance's friends' place in Winfield. Was actually really enjoyable, minus the really cold breeze.
Over-all, was a good weekend. Had a date with Chance on Friday night, which almost got ruined, but was rescued barely. Still managed to have somewhat of a good night. Went 4x4-ing on Saturday, and spent about 9 hours out wheeling, and about another 2 at Chance's friends' house...we were gone for just over 12 hours by the time we got home.
Busy weekend...but that's the way long weekends are supposed to be...right?
at 10:55 PM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Went to Gramma's for the weekend. Was nice...coulda stayed one more day though.
Called Friday off cause wasn't feelin so hot, and attempted to take Niamh into town to meet Patricia (Danielle's g/f) so she could catch a ride home, but somehow had a miscommunication, and ended up missing her. So, Niamh stayed an extra night, and ended up tagging along with us on Saturday for our canoeing trip.
Canoeing was fun. Mom, Chance, Darius, Niamh and myself took a trip and canoed(sp?) around Knox Mountain with a couple of mom's co-workers. Apparently one of them owns a touring company that specializes in canoeing, and offered to bring anyone from the office & their families out for the day, so we hopped on the boat so to speak. Was lot's of fun, kinda reminds me of riding a bike, once you learn you never forget.
We left from here shortly after we got home, about 4/4:30. Got to gramma's kinda late, but was ok. Had a good evening. Bonfire, and movie.
Woke up the next morning kinda late, but got lunches packed. Chance, Travis, and Ralph were going on a hike up Mt. Baldy, since I told him he couldn't take the truck. Gramma, Darius, and I spent the day at Dunn Lake.
Whilst there after we got back, heard on the radio about a fire on "Kelowna's Westside". So, in a panic I called home, and since mom hadn't heard about it, she said she'd call me back with more info. What a relief to find that it wasn't near our home, but wow, what a scare!
So, we didn't really do a whole lot, cleaned the house a bit. Just the usual though, dishes, sweeping, tidying. Chance cleaned her bathroom, which was nice of him. I did a ton of laundry.
Was kinda nice, didn't do a whole helluva lot of anything yesterday, basically just lazed about the house. Was nice and quiet though, cause the guys kept going for walks and such. :o]
Gramma got stung by a dead bee yesterday, so she was rendered useless, leaving me to cook dinner for everyone, which wasn't too terrible.
Came home...I drove until Falkland, then passed it over to Chance. Darius fell asleep just outside of Kamloops. Got home late...and watched the news, and read Castanet. What a relief my family is safe. Just reading about that fire, n/m seeing pictures, almost brought me to tears.
another day at home...yay.
at 8:57 AM
Monday, August 22, 2005
So, we've had a Mommy/Darius trip this month, a family reunion, a Niamh vacation at our ho use, and are now preparing for a mummie birthday.
With all the driving, and work, and going's on I'm beginning to feel a little worn out, but I'm sure it's nothin a couple of good nights of sleep won't cure.
We've been playing games, and teaching Niamh how to cook, and just in general being busy like a family should be.
Had a blast the other night. Went out with my friend Laurie. Went to Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club, and had a really good night. Started off at her place, visiting with her daughter and man, and then went for a walk downtown, and grabbed a bite to eat, then comedy club, casino, nightclub, then back to the casino to meet back up with mom. Long day/night, but was really fun.
So, the month is flowing nicely.
I got a raise at work...a whoppin 50 cents, yay me!
Am pondering the working's of the world today...
at 7:05 PM
Thursday, August 04, 2005
You know, my heart always feels in the wrong.
Brand me with a scarlet guilty.
Concerning my truck, which my husband feels I've gotten over by now, I truly am guilty.
Of giving in.
For 2 and a half weeks my husband hounded me, relentless in his pursuit of trying to get it out of the shop. 2 1/2 weeks. I'm talking day-in, day-out assault on my heart, feelings, and mind.
Through-out this assault, which I could compare to a torture chamber, I came close to just walking away from everything I have.
Let's talk about stress, and the situations that cause it. Can you imagine, that everyday for 2 1/2 weeks you are being told how hard-headed and selfish YOU are being, how much of a pain in the ass you are being for reminding why we ended up here, and how you are lowering the quality of life for YOUR family?
I blame two people for this torture. My husband, and my mother-in-law.
I blame these two people because they both made me want to leave, and because they made me feel inferior, and because they made me feel inadequate.
Let me talk about why and how I got so angry about the situation in the first place.
When asked why my husband thought it would be ok to go away all day with the truck, and go mud-bogging, he replied "My mother knew where I was". Which for some unknown reason made this ok.
When asked why he wanted the truck out so bad, he replied "My mother and Don feel badly about it being in the shop because it was their idea to put it in there in the first place", and "What if there's an emergency and no one is here with a vehicle?"
In relation to these things I am "Stuck on myself", "inconveniencing everyone", "always negative" and that's just off the top of my head.
In relation, I called him a slefish son-of-a-bitch, a monumental asshole, fucking unbelievable piece of shit, and hmmm...I'm sure a few other things toppled in there. He's certainnly more educated than I am.
From the beginning, my husband has relied heavily on his parents, for a lot of things. Just as I rely on my mother for a roof over my head, and occaisional gas money, oh, and lets not forget the food in my belly.
Since we've gotten the truck back, my husband has let up on torturing me, and my mother-in-law has sent me and my mother flowers for a great visit.
Let's all sit back and watch what happens by August 23rd. The day Chance is supposed to have all money returned to my in-laws.
I would have been happy to have paid to get the truck out by next pay cheque, or even would have scraped it up from somewhere. But either way I would have taken care of it. There's no way I wouldn't have gotten it out for the family reunion.
Let's talk about violent behaviour. I don't like to go here unless severely pushed to this point, both times I have been pushed to this, I have to add, my mother-in-law has been involved in.
Now, let's talk about working together as a family.
In my family, if someone is having a dispute, everyone else keeps turns their heads the other way...everyone having understood the lifestyle of close living conditions. Opinions are not given unless asked.
But regardless of all of this, I am still guilty of being a bad wife, and wife who just can't understand, a wife who is too stuck on herself to try and think of where her husband is coming from. A bad wife for wanting nothing other than to hurt the person who just tore out her heart again by doing exactly what she asked him not to, and in front of her whole family to boot. A bad wife because she wouldn't forgive and forget like his mother did every time his father pulled a stunt like this. A bad wife because she glowered everytime he tried to brag about said specific incident.
Regardless of this, I am still a bad mother because my son needs a leash. I am still a bad mother because sometimes I wish to let others have fun with my child, and knowing this, I try to stay out of the way so they can have the full effect. I'm still a bad mother because I refused, for 2 1/2 weeks, to let my husband borrow money to get our truck back. I'm a bad mother because I choose not to diagnose my son with a disease that I have no knowledge of. I'm a bad mother because I don't get my son a regular haircut, and wouldn't mind giving it a shot myself.
Now, keep in mind, this is 2 1/2 weeks of being told these various things.
Now, with my depression problems, I'm amazed I survived. I wonder if god was testing me for a specific reason.
Out of all the hard work I've done for my family since the day we moved back to Canada, and all the hard work I know that I will continue to do, I know that it will never be enough.
I know I will never be able to give my husband everything he wants, or my son for that matter. I also know that I will never be able to afford all of the monetary things he could desire.
I will send my son to a decent school, I'll send him to the best my money can allow.
I'm not going to hold my breath and hope that my husband will be working anytime soon.
And in these reasons, I feel inferior. In these reasons I guilty.
In these reasons, I will never feel good enough for the family that I married into.
I have to wonder, if my son would do better in that family than I am now. I have to wonder if they would all be better off without me, because we certainly do not mix easily.
at 8:04 PM
Thursday, July 21, 2005
You know, sometimes I feel like I'm a little fucking ant on a big fucking log, and someone is pointing a goddamned magnifying glass at me.
Let's look at amber, how completely fucking stupid she is, how little, I wonder if we can squish with our toe...
I don't ask for much in this world (at least I'd like to think so), but when I do ask for something, it's important to me. Really important, and if I don't get them (i.e. behaviours, phone calls, notes, mp3s :o), or even a hug), I find myself wondering why I even bother to ask at all.
I asked for something simple, live and let learn, and I couldn't get that. That says to me that I don't deserve the things that I ask for, however little or big they may be. That says that I don't deserve respect, even though I respect you.
I've had this conversation with many people, friends and family alike, and they understand that when I ask for something, it's actually something I rather need, more-so-than want.
I need to keep my sanity, to believe that at my heart, I'm a good person, because somedays, living in my world, it's very easy to believe that I'm just one big fuck up, and I can't seem to find the ability to do anything right. I can't seem to find the way to love, and be loved in a healthy, normal fashion.
All I've ever wanted out of life was to be loved, and trusted, and to be cherished like I'm special.
I feel none of these.
Funny how life works sometimes.
I feel used, and disrespected, and like I'm the object in the store window that everyone laughs at just because I can't get the things I want out of life, because I feel like I'm failing.
All I'm asking for is help to aid me in making a success out of the lives of my family. Sure, I don't like being in charge of it, but when Chance starts making a contribution, and I can take time off, maybe I'll take time off from the head, and face of this family, because it sure is a tough position to be in.
at 5:19 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Well, woke up round 8 this mornin, took an hour to get myself started, then look out! There was no stopping me.
All together, there's:
Ronnie (mom-in-law), Don (b/f of MiL), Niamh (cousin), Martin (Uncle & Ni's dad), Gramma, Ralph (Grandpa), Mom, Kim (Mom's b/f), Roger (Great Uncle), Cathy (Roger's wife), Courtney (daughter), Caitlin (daughter), Ali (Great aunt), Mary (great aunt), Paul (Kim's friend), Ernie (Kim's dad), Jean (kim's mom)me, Chance and D.
20 ppl total.
Plenty of food, and another person or 2 expected this afternoon, no relations, just friends.
Chicken, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Salmon, Fruit (blueberries, strawberries, grapes, apples, nectarines, watermelon), veggies (a salad, carrot sticks, celery sticks, plum tomatoes, cauliflower, broccoli), jello cake, chips, dip.
The majority of which I took care of this morning. I did up the veggies and watermelon, and made the hamburgers, and sliced up all fruit that needed it. Only took me 2 hours.
So, busy day.
Where's the excitement?
at 3:33 PM
Friday, July 08, 2005
Well, after all is said and done, my hackles are still raised, and just won't seem to go down.
The Coast trip was nice, visiting with family, and seeing a new casino was exciting.
Slept both on the way there, and back.
Went out lastnight and won 25 dollars.
My truck is on the lam, hopefully all will be well once Don and Chance are through with it, cause it wouldn't even start for me lastnight. now it's running and such, but they're still trying to figure out the kinks.
Poderables...when you put things off, do they get worse?
I started chatting with another regular at the casino...kinda funny.
Especially when you travel with it.
at 5:45 PM
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Who's bright idea was it to create compact cars?
Well, we got up this mornin, and started getting packed and such to come down to the coast (where we're at presently).
Left just after mom did this mornin, and got here at about 2:30. We stopped in Hope for brunch, which was great. The Home Restaraunt. Good place.
Over-all, I slept the majority of the way. Only because I get motion sick if I read or anything...and there really wasn't a whole else to do. So, got some good naps in, and both times I head at least one part of my body go to sleep on me.
So...life goes on.
Am hoping to head to L.F. to go get Gramma and them on Saturday by myself. Would be nice to snag a a couple of hours in my truck alone.
I'm still really irritated at Chance about my truck...but, we made an agreement, so here we are.
Am hoping to snag Friday night out with Laurie, but we'll hafta see if I even have any money for it.
I was also hoping to catch the Casino in New West, and step inside, if only to be able to say that I've beeni n another Casino. I've been playing in the one in K-town for two years now, and still have yet to go to another casino, so it's become quite a big deal to me.
We shall see.
Tonight is dinner with the family, and hopefully everyone will be there.
I need to try giving Uncle Paul a call to see if he's able to make it.
Why is it that I can't resist cleaning other people's houses, but when it comes to mine, I hafta drag my ass to do it?
Funny how that works.
at 4:42 PM
Saturday, July 02, 2005
I remember this moment with Michael...funny how it just slaps you in the face.
at 9:30 PM
I can't even begin to understand my inner working, and what makes me be the dumbest fucking woman on the face of the planet.
at 9:19 PM
Friday, July 01, 2005
Yes, we decided to brave the traffic, mass of people, and morons out there in general downtown.
We had some fun just wandering, and taking in what they had to offer...Children's section with bouncies, kids kareoke, puppet shows, cake, and lots of Characters for the kids to hug.
Darius met both Darth Vadar, and Chewbacca. His personal favorite. He also saw the Fat Cat from the Fat Cat Children's Festival, and some sort of Dinosaur representing something, though I didn't take a close enough look to see what it was.
We got some lemonade, we let him splash in the lake a bit, we walked around the floating stage, and just in general enjoyed the area and festivities before parking ourselves to watch the so called parade. Short, 2 minute blip with bagpipes, veterans, Canadian military units, Ladies of the Lake and Contestants, and the Mayor. Blah...waste of time, that was.
We then decided to find something for lunch. Kelly O's was packed, so we decided to hit up Red Robin's. Was perfect.
Had a good lunch, and after dropping off my friend and her daughter, we came home.
D is a touch on the cranky side...but I'm sure it's nothing a nap won't cure.
This morning I tossed in a chicken (whole) and veggies...and while everyone relaxes and winds down from today, we'll just hafta wait for dinner to finish off.
Dunno how long that'll take.
I bought this really cool visor that's white with a red canadian flag on it. It's pretty cool. :o]
That was about it for our day so far.
Tonight, Chance and I are taking D back downtown for the fireworks. Oh boy!
at 4:04 PM
Gosh...it sure feels good to have my first official day off of my vacation.
I'm quite perky thismornin, and woke up about 4 times lastnight cause I couldn't quite sleep well.
Canada day has arrived...and I'm so excited to get outta here, the minutes are just creeping by.
Did some of the dishes, got the dishwasher going, have the radio turned on. It's a relief and a welcome change to be up before the boys. Neither of them nagging me, or asking me questions, or needing my attention right this very moment.
Very relazing, I'm thinkin I could get used to this.
at 7:01 AM
Saturday, June 25, 2005
This is a day where I seriously shake my head in awe and wonder why the fuck am I married to a man with absolutely, POSITIVELY NO sense what-so-ever.
at 10:06 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Yup...I've been on the go since early early.
Got up...showered, went to work...did diddley at work. Came home, packed up stuff for storage, went and dropped it off, and made an attempt to re-arrange some stuff whilst Chance was switching our stuff over. (We managed to convince someone at the storage place to give us a smaller unit without paying the 3 months in advance, and it's 50 dollars cheaper)
Went a bought a lock cause we didn't quite finish, and didn't have a second one. Came home, ate dinner whilst watching Canadian Idol for 30 mins, then got up and started tidying the mess we made when we were packing things for storage, and decided to do a few things to the sewing corner. Put D to sleep, then got up and cleaned the tub to a literal sparkling shine! Yay.
It's sick that I can say that my sparkly tub makes me happy.
Re-arranged some stuff in bathroom, then put up some much needed decorations...
Did some laundry (about 3 loads in the proccess), and am now resting...
it's hard to come down from a cleaning high.
at 1:54 AM
Thursday, June 09, 2005
were put on this earth for a reason...I swear it.
Alls I can say is thank goodness Mothers in Law were put on this planet or I'da been s.o.l. lastnight.
All by myself with D lastnight, and had a pretty decent go of it, until it came time to give him a bath. Well, I ended up slipping and losing my grip on him whilst getting him out of the tub, and he landed right on his head, and I couldn't tell if he hit his temple or not.
D hadn't had a nap yesterday, so once he was out of the tub, calmed down, and dressed, I layed with him on my chest, and he fell asleep in under five minutes.
Kind worried by this, I msg-ed my mother in law, who phoned me immediately (thank goodness, cause I was considering resorting for tears), and told me to take him to the walk in clinic...just in case.
Called Chance, who proceeded to freak out at me because we mis-communicated, and took him up to the walk-in. The doctor said he was fine, but told me to wake him up every 2 hours through the night, just to be sure. So, Yay me...mom's gone, Chance's gone...and I get to wake him up every 2 hours through the night.
Hardly slept at all, it felt like come mornin.
Called Sylvia once we got home, and warned I may be tired...so she said she'd let me off early.
Darn it if I didn't get outta there until 1:30. *sigh*
Didn't even bother with a nap once I got home because I knew if I fell asleep, I wouldn't get up till the next morning...
Played with Darius.
This day is taking forever to get to bedtime.
at 7:41 PM
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Driving home today from work, I happened to look over at my arm. There was a HONKIN spider crawling on my bare arm. Well damned if I didn't scream and jump, and swat.
Then kicked myself for swatting it cause then I was stuck waiting for it to show up again before I could kill it.
Didn't have long to wait thankfully because it showed up a couple of seconds later on my thigh. So, I then slapped my thigh really really hard.
Now I have an ouchie.
But the little bugger is dead, and that's what he gets for scaring the piss outta me.
at 4:06 PM
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Somedays I wonder...
In the past, there were times when my standards were too low, maybe too high, but I never really had just right.
I wish and hope that just right will arrive in my life. Wait impatiently for it to arrive, like watching water boil.
Sometimes I think I'm just a little ant in the world, making my way to the anthill where I belong.
Comeing home at night to those 2 cuddly little arms, that hold my heart, like I wish someone would. The only man I actually enjoy sleeping with anymore, who can bring me comfort, and joy, and sorrow that I've missed so very much just to ensure his safety and survival.
I often wonder if I'll ever find that in a man who'll love me like I want to be loved.
at 10:56 PM
Monday, June 06, 2005
And it seems the harder I wish, the faster I fall.
The splat is the most entertaining part.
Immigration got Chance's hopes up again, and by doing such, he's now downtoan on a rampage. *sighs*
Funny...I had things to do today, but so far have only managed to accomplish one thing. getting his cake baked.
I'm willing to bet that he's already spent all the birthday gift certificates. As if they couldn't wait until we had our whole list of things to do, and gotten it done in one shot. Gas is being wasted here.
I feel like such a twit sometimes.
I feel more lonely than not.
You know what's sad about my life? I fucked it up. Yup, there's no one to blame but me. I hate it when that happens. If I could sue someone for the way my life is going, I'd be rich, and somewhat relaxed...and maybe content enough to turn all attention to Darius, and let it all slide by.
at 1:06 PM
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Today, I skipped out on work, cause I was too tired. I've been joining mom as a binge down at the Casino.
Too embaressed to tell Sylvia I was too tired to show, and considering I didn't even have the decency to phone, I'm stalling before I finally call her.
It's rainy out right now.
We wasted time yesterday by 4x4-ing. Did some damage to the Expedition, so I guess that ends our trips with the big ole' truck. Fuck.
That's about all I can say about that...cuase god damn if I'm already havin trouble figuring out this post-truck budget of mine. It's workin, but some little extras are needed here and there. S'the way it works I suppose.
So am looking at taking a pregnancy test. Again.
I told mom while I tossed the silly thing into the cart today, just tell me to shut up and go on birth control already. *g*
Well, even though I can't say I am positive, I am feeling rather moody, craving foods, and have a sore...*ahem* chest. Fuck if it's just PMS. Then that would mean with extra stress, I'm all outta whack.
How I hate money, and it's ability to screw with everything.
Chance and I have been getting into little spats, after having 2 weeks of relative calmness between us. I about tore his head off yesterday and the day before. He's been laying on heavily for me to buy him a truck. Just a beater, but at least 1500.
Like...okay, I'm made of money, and my sole purpose in life to to support your sorry ass, and buy you whatever you want, whenever you want.
Just shut up already, and leave me alone, I have enough on my plate with trying to get us out of the last mess you helped to push me into.
God...grant me wisdom, and patience. And if it's not too much trouble, grant my husband the revelatin of being a good, respectful, and decent husband.
at 4:49 PM
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Well, random thoughts have a way of paving great trenches in the mind.
When I went to work one day, it was a comp club meeting day, and so, a halfday. Took Sylvia across the street to the meeting, and as we were going, her husband came out to finish walking her there, and she felt a couple of raindrops, and right in the middle of a conversation, she just says, "Ok, I'll see you tommorow amber, bye!" While doing so, she hits the high gear (well, medium in my opinion, but whatever) and boots it towards the door (she hates getting wet). What made this so funny, is that in order to move that quick, she hasta lean back to get her arm to do the leverage. So, A) she cuts off our conversation, and boots it while leaning back to go faster, so it looks cartoon-like in going super fast.
Truck stuff will be over and done with in a week. That new puppy is going back to the pound, but only after dragging 2100 dollars outta me. Fuckers.
Whatever...it'll be over and done with, along with that fucknut chapter of my life.
Am gonna hafta take a few months to pay whatever else I may have off...buy groceries, buy a few things for the parents. *shrugs*
It's kinda funny...Kimmie's been with us for a long time now...I can hardly remember a time without him. It's like he's always been there. I find myself asking, is this what it's supposed to feel like when you have a father?
Am making Chance's birthday gift for him this year, I hope he likes it. Will take a bit of effort, but luckily, he's gonna be gone tommorow night as it is Wednesday...so hopefully I'll be able to get the majourity of it done then...then just do little bits here and there.
He's asked for outdoor gear this year...Mark's Workwear House gift cards, and Princess Auto gift cards.
man, this keyboard is sticky. ;oP
We put our bed back in our room today, and got D's outta storage. Yay. Sucker left me with all of the laundry to put away, and the tidying up to do in there though, cause he left to go help a friend move. *sighs* I hope he gets gas money for it cause with this last kicker for the truck, it's gonna be a bumpy, but better, month.
Sylvia's invited me to a church function tommorow, so...yay, some of my workday will have to do with socializing with some older ladies. Hopefully I won't be too tired.
at 8:34 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2005
I think...most days.
I'm beginning to wonder if I even have the capability to know what love is. Asides from my son and family members, what is love? What would I define it as? Is my marriage considered love? Am I in love, have I ever been in love, and what exactly does love feel like>
I read on the EC newsletter a lot of different descriptions about love, and I'm really beginning to believe that love isn't a feeling that you get, it's a frame of mind or something. It's something that you do, out of respect. I dunno, but after a couple of conversations with a few people, I'm into the knowledge that what I have isn't really love, it's just where I'm at.
And someday, I'm gonna grow out of it.
at 7:47 PM
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Well, we decided, after I called off from work, to go thrift shopping today. Went to the Salvation Army, and Helping Hands, and the malls food court for lunch. Then we decided to head home. On our way home, I decided to stop at MTF (Manufacturers Discount Warehouse), cause I still had a couple of things to buy on request.
Went wandering in MTF and found some new books for Darius' Story Reader! Yay! It's the only place I've ever seen them. The only place I haven't looked is Toys R Us, which they'd probly be there. So I bought him 2 sets of 3 books, and an Accessories thingy that comes with a Carry Case, a Mic to sing along, and a set of Headphones, and an Adapter. Too cool says me!
I'm very happy to blow that money on Darius...I was beginning to think that I'd never find any new books for that thing up here. :oD
at 4:31 PM
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I've been rather blah of late.
Am finding it rather difficult to make it through a day.
I'm catching mom's cold, but am holding out hope that I may fight it off. We shall see on that front.
I got the loan for the money to get out of the truck, from Peace Hills Trust...but now the fucking dealership is yarding my chain and I'm afraid I've begun foaming at the mouth. Got to drop off a nicely nasty letter to them today, and unfortunately I didn't have the opportunity to drop it directly in the asshole's hand (though I don't believe they have one), just had to drop it off as he was out of office.
now, I hafta wait 15 days, before I take any other steps. I fucking swear to god, that if I tho ught this shit was gonna go down like this, I would've never bothered getting a loan in the first place, cause now it's really doing me no good.
My friend's been having high blood pressure problems, and am rather worried about her seeing as she seems to think that if she just doubles her meds, that the problem will go away. Yeah, ok lady.
I've been going out dancing every couple of weeks with a friend of mine, and am planning to go out this Friday. Mary may join us, and would be nice to have a third.
Darius has made a couple of new friends down the street. Now we can safely say we've met everyone on our block from our house, down to the end. :o] Only took us 7 years. lol
I'm finding it more and more baffling that ppl have had a hard time potty training their children. Honestly, it only took 2 weeks of training with Darius before he got the hang of doing both on the potty. He even like to spend a half hour reading while doing his number 2 business. Just like his daddy. *rolls eyes* At least for him it's educational.
Been thinking about what I want to make for Bill and Lorraine. And I don't know whether they have a crib or bassinet. Was hoping to make a bedding set for them, but we shall see. I know I want to make a couple of outfits, one for each size up to 12 months. I know mom's making blankets, that's just a given.
One of the fabric stores in town is closing out, and they had some great deals that I wanted to take advantage of. So, I bought some stuff to make my own bathing suit, and to attempt to make my own underwear (seeing as mine just keeps disappearing), and a couple of pieces to make D some light and fun summer clothes.
Phew, this is a lot of typing.
Got word of Ronnie's departure and arrival date for K-town. Talked to Sylvia about it, and I know it's just not humanly possible to take that much time off straight, but I know she'll do the best she can with what she's got.
Yesterday was the first time that I ever quit a job before I ever bothered to start. I found the lady rather unorganized, and kind of demanding. There were a few things she neglected to tell me about at the interview, like first training days. So, when she told me there were 2 extra training days that I had no knowledge of, and wasn't going to be able to take time off for, she started demanding that I call my current employer to get the time off. Yeah, ok lady, your piddly ass 9 dollar an hour job is more important to me than my current 15 dollar an hour job. Okay. See ya. Pfft.
I think that about catches me up...
at 10:20 PM
Sunday, May 01, 2005
My choices in life, are what I believe, the best to my ability.
I married this man, because I wanted a father for my child, not a child who thought that only having one set of grandparents was normal. I wanted someone to care at least half as much about me, as they did the child that they helped to create.
I feel like such a failure because I made the choice to get married, ignoring, once again, all the red flags and warning signs that I saw at the outset. Why do I put so much into something that I know will never come back to me?
Why do I care so much?
Why do I want someone to depend on? I know darned well, that the only person that I can depend on is myself.
at 11:25 PM
Saturday, April 30, 2005
I've never seen so much shit in my life.
And am beginning to believe Urine is a perfume.
at 9:54 PM
...For the week in review.
Went to Wal-Mart yesterday, and got my battery exchanged, exchanged the coffee pot, went to the Sally-Ann and got a couple of cool things, got my loan stuff in, only to find that it's not feasable, did mega laundry to keep up with the soppies, tidied, tiedied, and tidied some more, and heard nothing but curse words from Kimmie about how dirty and dumpy this place looked, took D potty millions of times (or at least it fell like it), managed to re-stock my emergency kit and pack it back into the truck after cleaning it out from the dusties left over from 4x4-ing last weekend, and got some good sleep in here and there.
So, now I feel utterly exhausted, and just plain tired of everything, and I really want to cry, but don't feel like I have the energy to do even that.
I feel completely alone, and maybe even abandoned, and desperate, and really tired.
I guess I applied for a job last month for something regarding inverntory. I can't remember applying for it, but they called me on Friday, so I'll be giving them a call on Monday to see about an interview. Maybe if I pick up another job, my husband will appreciate me more, and respect me more.
at 8:54 PM
Ya know...somedays I just wish I could make my own breaks. :o]
Today was a long day with Sylvia, nothing too tough in particular, but long nonetheless.
Chance had a softball tourney today, and after I got to work, I felt completely stupid for letting him take the truck, especially since we had no way of communicating with each other.
So, I phoned mom to get her to pick me up, and then, both of them showed up when I got off.
So, I hopped in with mom, cause I still felt stupid for undermining myself, and left Chance to do his own thing and leave me be. On our way home, we realized that Devon's birthday party was today, and that his party was at 5. Damn. So, Chance is out doing who knows what sports-wise, and I'm home...and mom and kim decided to go play Bingo, but thankfully mom lent me her car.
So, we went to Extra on our way home, and bought 2 books, a t-shirt, and some fabric markers to make devon his present. Got D to do some fancy artwork on the shirt, and made him a card, and were on our way out the door. Ate dinner, then came home to get some swimming stuff, and went to the pool. about a half hour after we got there, Chance showed up...all ranting about how he tried to call me to get me to go out to Winfield cause he had taken off from the tourney's to go play with his 4x4 friends.
Can anyone ever understand how sick I am of hearing him talk about himself? I'm sorry, I don't mind hearing about how his day went and all, but he never has anything overly intelligent to say (from my point of view). I carry conversations on all day with Sylvia, about everything, and sometimes nothing, but they certainly don't all pertain to me, mostly just things that I wonder about. On that aspect, I'm grateful that I have someone I can bounce these things off of, cause whenever I mention them to Chance, he just looks at me funny, and rather than bouncing something back, he simply asks where I thought that up. No intellegent conversation.
I continuosly wonder how I came to be with someone who is so utterly self absorbed that he can't see anything of the world beyond his own nose.
God, I'm a sucker for punishment.
at 8:43 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Sylvia called off work for the day. *sighs* Last Thursday of the month, Salvation Army shopping day.
Decided to give my friend Cathie a call, and she agreed to come with, so it was kinda fun.
Had a killer headache this mornin, and it didn't go away until we were on our way home from shopping, I swear I could hardly see anything...and yet, mom was letting me drive. LOL
My upper wisdom tooth has been making it's presence known, and I'm thinkin I may hafta make an appointment to see if I can get it pulled. I don't want them all done at once, cause I'd rather wait to see if Chance can pick up a job with benefits, or if I can after he starts working.
Had awonderful day yesterday...work was easy, nothin hard there...until I went to go home. Genius husband of mine, bought himself a cb radio for when we go 4x4-ing, and the guy hwo he had hook it up for him, patched it onto a fuse in the truck. Well, guess what was dead when I went to leave from work yesterday? That's right, my battery. I ended up having to have a friend come and give me a jump start so I could get home, then Chance switched the battery with the one in the new truck. Thankfully, our neighbour has a battery charger, and we've got it plugged into the wall.
Kimmie's been hard at work lately with getting some cedars planted in the backyard, which means so has Chance.
They were nice and let me sleep in this morning though.
Darius is having a hard time getting back on track with potty training. I noticed after our first attempt (we all got lazy after going with him about 15/20 times a day), that daddy was making over-use of diapers. So, I warned everyone that when his diapers ran out, I'm not buying anymore, strictly big boy underwear from now on.
Well, Daddy decided to forget to put the silly things in the wash after going through the majority of them yesterday...so now, they're stuck in the dryer, with Kimmie asleep. Blah
It's another beautiful day out, but a touch on the windy side.
With all the nice weather, I've taken up roller-blading, and am having a great time with it. Haven't gotten the courage to go too awefully fast though, certainly no faster than D can ride his trike. Someday. :o]
Am hoping to sink my hands on to a family Waterslides pass this year. I'm anticipating that with the building of the approach for the new bridge, that the lake is gonna be very dirty this year, so I'm planning to stay in cholorinated water if I can.
We shall see what happens though.
I've applied for a loan up at Peace Hills Trust, and it sounded pretty promising. I'm hoping Chances friend Sarene (he actually came to D's birthday party with his son), can work miracles, and get me a loan to buy out the Expedition (he said it was easier that way, that way he could have something for collateral), and get out of this new truck deal.
Here's to Hope.
at 2:18 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005
Went out Saturday, with the family...and some new friends. Chance met some new ppl on a 4x4 website, and we went for our first trip out with them. Was a lot of fun. Felt real powerful travelling in a convoy of 10 honkin 4x4 trucks. Made it up the hill, down, back up a couple of times, cut our own trail (literally) and back down the mountain before heading to a BBQ in Winfield. Darius had a blast, he thought all the bumpies were funny.
Had some terrific fun discovering the real capabilities of our truck, though truthfully, I think next time I'll see if we can leave D at home cause some of the stuff we tried I wasn't completely comfortable with having him in the vehicle while doing.
Works been the usual...kinda of annoying, kind of bearable.
Took D to a birthday party of the neighbours' girl. She turned 9, and she had a bunch of other kids over. I found it rather intimidating because all these kids were so close to trampling D.
I cleaned out the truck yesterday, and Chance washed the outside.
Lost our key to the padlock we have on our storage unit, so we can't get into the fucking thing. Piss me off...with all the hot weather, I have nothing but grungy shorts to wear. All my summer clothes and shoes are in storage.
Some fucknut stole our insurance sticker from the Expedition. And the other fucknuts are telling me that I hafta pay 18 bux to get another one. Yeah...some moron stole something from me, and I have to replace it with my own money...HELLO?! Isn't that what insurance is for?!?!?
God...some days it just isn't worth it to blog cause it just works me up.
at 8:45 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
I don't particularily care if this is the right outlook to have on relationships, but the way I've always seen it, when I put as much effort into my relationships as I do, I expect at least as much in return.
I put my husband and my son before myself the majority of the time, and I don't think it's too much to ask to have it reciprocated occasionally. But I don't even get that. I've got the shit end of the deal when it comes to my husband, because I don't seem to hold any huge signifigance(sp?) in his life, other than the feact that I'm the mother of his child. No fucking respect, no fucking place but the bottom of the food chain, where-in if you're an aquaintance, your opinions, advice, and thoughts mean more to him that mine.
Respect...let's define that from my point of view:
Respect boils down to listening to what one has to say, considering the meaning of what they have to say, asking for clarification if needed, continuing to make a judgement call, and taking consequences for your actions. Whether that be, yes, the orange tie, or no to the blue shoes.
As a wife, I expect respect, considering I give plenty of it, and I expect to hold signifigance in my husbands life. I expect that I'm not making the same mistake that I did the first marriage around, because that would be fucked up, and make me a complete fucking loser...which one could call me right now anyways, given the circumstances.
Can everyone reading this tell that I'm seething with anger? I'm getting more and more fed up, and my tolerance is dropping, and it's happening a lot more these days.
at 7:29 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Put up or shut up right?
I guess I'm just sick of shutting up, and I'm tired of putting up. That little light at the end of the tunnel has grown very very dim.
at 2:59 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Yeah, so, the lawyer thing was pretty shitty. Fuck, I hate people who think they're better than you, big fuckin head on their shoulders, who think it's ok to shit on you, and walk away without even wiping.
Yeah, you can guess how that went.
Went to work yesterday, and damn it, I sat on a fucking wasp. Got stung, on my ass. how embaressing, Sylvia can't get it out cause she can't move that much, and I wasn't about to moon her husband to ask him to get it out, so the darned thing ended up staying and working it's way in. Oh, about 15 minutes after I got stung, my hands and feet swelled up, and I couldn't see, and I was having trouble breathing. Lucky me. So, for the rest of yesterday, from about 1pm onwards, I kept having waves of this feeling that I couldn't breathe, and I'd get that tingling sensation.
Yup, I'm allergic to them, so today, I'm going to go to the walk-in and ask for a prescrip for an antihistamine for this, in case I ever get stung again cause those feelings stopped just short of me passing out.
Was supposed to go out lastnight, but didn't, cause I didn't wanna drink, but I did wanna dance. Oh well.
We rented movies, Cellular, Without A Paddle, Shaun of the Dead, and the Second Star Wars, Attack of the Clones. Watched Shaun of the Dead, and was pretty funny. :o]
Am doing laundry today, got a lot to catch up on with all our clothes being covered in drywall dust. Kimmie and Chance have been busy all morning, doing some spring cleaning and such. Mom went to her new job, dunno when she'll get back from that.
So, today I don't have anything planned, though I could end up going to Mary's cause she said Ali and Terry just showed up there. *shrugs* Who knows.
Well, life goes on, yet another day. Let's see what we can do with it.
at 10:23 AM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Well, here we go, hold on tight cause this merry go round is only going to go faster.
Had a interesting conversation tonight with someone who's been through a similar situation as me with her vehicle and dealership where she purchased it from.
Chance is going to be busy over the next few days with phone calls and consultation with lawyers.
I'm ready to take the next step.
Here's hoping I pull through relatively unscathed.
at 2:22 AM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
You know, I swear...four years. I honestly don't know how I've made it this long.
I continually wonder. WTF?! My husband has a degree in Psychology and yet he's completely clueless as to how a relationship works.
A friend once told me that if I sat down and made a list of pros and cons about a relationship, that it would help me see what the big picture could reveal.
All I'm asking for is a minimum effort. I'm such a fucking pushover that I don't even get that. I'm not respected, I'm insulted because not even the minimum is done the majority of the time. Like, you don't do the little things, the small amount that I ask of you, so what does that make me?
You're fucking floormat is what.
You know, I went through this shit with Michael. I said my piece over and over again, and by the end of it, I went somewhere's where I felt they appreciated me. I went elsewhere, is the point there. Here, I'm not going elsewhere, here I would just leave. Not physically, but the relationship would be over nonetheless.
I swear to god, I'm this fucking close ----.
I'm too patient, too lenient, too easy-going, too willing to let you walk all over me.
God, I haven't even dug us out of this hole, and you're already jumping all over me to get me into another one. You want you want you want. I NEED a break, I NEED for you to grow up. If that doesn't happen, then see ya. I'm tired of this shit. Everyone in the world is laughing at me for staying with a fool who can't see what he's doing to me. Who can't see past the end of his nose, who can't see past his own desires. I laugh with them, cause I've got to be the biggest dumbass for sticking around for four years. My son is going to grow up thinkin that this is how relationships work, that this is how he should treat his wife, that this is how life is supposed to be, that he can't do anything about it.
Priorities, needs, desires, the aching ability to dream of your life untold.
at 1:21 PM
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
It's funny, I was thinking about it today. Relationship comes from the root word relation. What's the point of having one with someone you can't relate to?
"My mind has been wandering all day,
can't seem to concentrate.
Flashbacks to days long gone,
memories that no one can alleviate.
Happiness will be as new life comes forth,
all we need is a spark.
Condemnation throughout life,
if only the mind could see.
and the forgery will be.
The light shines down upon the petals,
as we tiptoe over shells.
Losing those who hear the beat,
Cloaking you intentions under the heat.
Colour the skies with big bright scars,
sear the dark with your dazzling stars.
Walk the line accross each day,
How much time can we waste away?
Carry the load against the tide,
I still remember our innocence died.
Carefree about the world,
Savages beat me along your path."
at 9:27 PM
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
I just finished telling tyler that I don't want to be his friend until he can understand what it's like to be in a family, or at the very least, be married. I feel terrible, because I know it comes as a huge blow to him. I can't even explain how bad I feel, but I finally understand why it is that peopl say that married people shouldn't have single friends.
I just pissed one of my closest, longest friends off. Basically because he doesn't understand what it takes to be a responsible part of a family, or a parent.
He dropped in this weekend, and things just didn't go well for it.
at 10:28 PM
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Gosh. I stayed up till 2am lastnight trying to get D's cake done. Here I am now, got up at about 8:30 or so, and have been on the go ever since. Working on getting everything together for D's birthday party which we're having today. Spent a whole heckuva lot more than I should've on this party, but I'm hoping it's gonna be lots of fun for Darius. Having veggi and fruit platters. Strawberries, grapes and oranges, and celery, carrots and peppers. Also have an angel foodcake (which i only make on special occasions), and a special diabetic cake that devon can eat, depending on if he comes. mary called already and said that she got a call from Ron saying Devon wasn't feeling well.
So, lastnight was hectic, worked, came home, cashed my cheque, went to Peachland (waste of gas cause the place we went to wasn't even open), came back and went to the dollar store for party supplies, then went to Extra, came home, discovered Tyler came (yay), and had dinner, then got dragged out to go bowling. Darius took my place on the bowling roster, got a 63 score for ten pin, with 2 strikes! Tyler decided to stay the night, so I'm appreciating spending time with him, and am glad he decided to come for the party.
We spent in the area of an hour blowing up baloons for the party, went overboard and bought, like, 6 or 7 packs of them.
Well, I guess that's enough time wasted on this thing, time to get back to business getting everything ready.
at 10:47 AM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
God...I don't know about this full time stuff, this is my third week this month (duh) where I'm schedualed every day, all day. I don't know how normal people do full time work.
Big cheque for this month. Yay
Things I'm fed up with:
Being blamed because my son has 8 cavities. Everyone in this household contributes to the upbringing of my son, and I'm not raising him alone.
Being told what I need to do, when I'm comfortable with what I'm doing.
Being irritated at the pickyness of my boss.
Trying to figure out how to work my budget, and have it not work everytime I just think I get it figured out.
Being so flipping tired.
Not being my son's main caregiver.
Having to ask more than twice to have something done.
Not being heard, and learning that it's hard to find someone to trust.
Relying on family when I fuck up this bad.
I'm ashamed that I got bowled over this easy, and though I'm keeping it together, I think that's my problem, is that I haven't lost it because I'm so ashamed.
I'm sick of having my head ripped off every time I try to help, and I'm sick of being told that because I enjoy giving my son treats that I'm a bad mother, and I'm sick of feeling guilty about going out to visit my friends after I get home from work, and I'm sick of not having the amount of time that I want to spend with my son that I'd like.
Seems like every couple of months (or, every time I screw up big time) I get in a modd like this.
On a lighter note, there's a family reunion this year out in ole D'arcy, and regardless of what's happening in my life, I'm going. I don't remember the place at all, and I'd love to meet more family...and maybe try and have a good time with mine.
Was thinkin this eve about the MMMF, that's Merrit Mountain Music Festival, and whether or not we're going. Chance wanted to cause Ty invited us. Was thinkin if ticket prices weren't too bad, I may just invite Marty and Rob. We'll see.
at 9:20 PM
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Yup, so Chance has it all figured out to go to the dealership about our truck. *sighs*
It's about time for another one of our couple of month talks. Efforts' lackin buddy, don't allow distraction to knock you off a good kick.
Gearing up for D's birthday, am gonna be broke, but that's ok.
Another work week almost over. Gosh, it's been long. Immigration sending us a couple of letters. Taking care of that, getting the stuff ready for D's birthday (CBC Kids annouces Birthdays as long as you send them a star with your child's photo on it).
It's just starting to feel like last year...crap crap and more crap.
at 5:55 PM
Friday, March 04, 2005
Let's not get into everything in the last two/three days. How about we just kinda skim it?
Darius has 8 cavities, and needs to be put under. Let's not touch the subject oof cost (which we could qualify for a government program that he could have most costs covered under).
I'm trying to return my truck...who knows if they'll go for it, because they've already tried intimidating me.
I'm finally through this long ass week. I don't know how regular people do it...work five days in a row. LOL
Update: mom can't say Khaki
Took a bunch of super cute pictures of Darius riding his tricycle. God, i swear, I'll never see anything so cute as him figuring out the pedals. Or his little legs pumping hard and him just enjoying the view.
at 5:53 PM
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Yup...the cold has made it's way around the family. First Kim, then Darius, then me and now Chance and mom.
Well, I can say that I'm getting over mine quick because I've been pounding back Eccenasia(sp?) and Garlic. So, i've only managed to stick with a mild long-lasting fever. Darius has had a terrible runny nose since tuesday eve.
I will seriously beat something soon.
I am now a "dictator" according to Chance. He said I'm a dictator.
I got my hair permed lastnight. Mary came over and did it. I don't think that I left it in long enough, cause it's not as curly as I was hoping, but whatever. What's done is done.
Not a comment from Chance when he came in after my hair was done. Thanks for that.
Chance's friend Dan cam over today. He has three friends by that name now...
Darius had his friend from accross the street over today for a good 2 hours. Adriana is very pleasant, and calm, and nice. They played well together.
Relationships really blow.
at 4:04 PM
I saw an add on Castanet.net the other day, and decided to respond and ask for more information. It was for Egg Donors.
They're willing to pay $3000 US.
at 12:11 AM
Monday, February 21, 2005
Today was a Monday in all regards. So far...
So, I've gotten all of my T4's, but because of Chance and I being married, I have to go in to a tax preparer and have them do it for me. More money from my wallet that I just don't have.
I'm so frustrated with all that crap. Before, it was them deducting 700 some odd dollars from last year's return, now they're not going to send it back to me, as I was originally told once I finally figured out what was going on. Now, they're telling me I owe them 200 dollars. Just fucking give me a goddamned break here people. I mean, they must enjoy being fucknuts.
I went to get ready for work this morning, and Chance comes out of bed to tell me that I need to put gas in the truck, and that there isn't even enough to get me into work. *sighs*
So, i leave the house with only one bank card, assuming I wouldn't have a need for both. Get to the gas station to find out it's been demagnetized by my new purse. Call Chance to bring me the other one (I'm already late by this time), and then he calls me back saying the other truck's gas lines froze because I try not to keep gas in it (it has winter stud tires on it, and they're startig to chip because they're not being used on snow, so I decided to cut gas off from it and only keep small amounts in it to discourage driving). I tell him to take mom's car, and he finally makes it there about 20 minutes later with bank card in hand, and D in the backseat all strapped in.
I got to work at 7:30 (as opposed to 7). *sighs*
At least the gas station people took pity on me and gave me a free cup of coffee.
So, after D wakes up, I'm going to go replace my bank card, and get my taxes filed.
I'm just full of those things today.
at 2:14 PM
Friday, February 18, 2005
Chance and I had an enjoyable enough time Tuesday evening, when we decided to go see a movie with just the two of us.
Evening started off ragged, and we were both rather annoyed, but a movie that funny can't possibly have 2 annoyed people leaving annoyed. Was a great movie, and I really thought it was worth the money, another movie to add to the to-buy list.
at 11:39 PM
Well, *sighs* attempting to figure my budget is proving difficult, but we're still getting places. Phone calls, and more phone calls have revealed that I probably won't be getting any kind of re-embursment from Revenue Canada at all, but am now in debt to the in the tune of about 200 dollars. So, until I pay them that amount, I won't get my refund for this year, unless I file my taxes for 2002. So, Monday afternoon, if I rush home from work, I should be able to do all.
Keep telling myself I should just pop out a couple of quilts. trouble is, i really have to be motivated to do something like that, and I get depressed every time I even look at a pair of scissors or a swatch of fabric.
Am battling a bout of extreme stress here, but so far, am rather proud that I haven't let myself slip completely into pessimism.
Just a little bit more...and I can reach as high as the stars.
at 11:25 PM
Monday, February 14, 2005
I keep thinking to myself that I ought to just make something, to see if it would sell. I just haven't gotten around to it.
I want to perm my hair, but my arms got sore just doing the third roller, so I gave up. Am thinking I may have to get Mary to do it for me.
Mom's putting Darius to sleep tonight, Chance went to Basketball. We made chicken, and mashed potatoes with a salad for dinner. I put red food colouring in the mashed potatoes to make them "special". :o]
Have you seen "Under The Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane? I recommend it, terrific, uplifting movie. *sigh*
I was thinking today about a couple that we knew in Centerburg. I called them when I got home, and nearly shocked Chance into stupidity when I asked for their number, and as sheer panic rose in his voice when he asked me why he wanted their number, it occurred to me that I really don't have many ties to that place anymore.
at 8:39 PM
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Well, as luck would have it, I spent my day sewing with Sylvia. Cracking jokes, and being stupid, and just in general being relaxed.
I've been feeling so antsy lately. Coffee addiction?
Unproductive, lazy, tired, exhausted, brainless.
*think of something witty to say...quick*
"Pardon me while I burst into flames..."
Have you ever noticed that random thoughts really aren't that random? They only appear that way because no one else can see your mind.
"Condemnation throughout life, if only minds could see.
Stolen thoughts, and the forgery will be."
at 5:57 PM
Friday, February 11, 2005
Yeah...ok, so yesterday I blew my top. I'm feeling a little better today, had less coffee.
I figure, it just takes a little more planning. *sighs* Am fighting off the sneaking suspision that I'm never going to get out of debt.
Darius said his phone number the other night. We've been trying to teach him for the last week and a half or so, and when I was putting him to bed, I asked him what it was, and though he couldn't say zero, he still came out with it. I'm proud...now I get to teach him what the numbers look like, and also 911.
God...I've been on such a losing streak in Scrabble, I'm wondering what's going on with it.
Am beginning to come around to the bright side of things with working for Sylvia. Again.
Funny the phases you can go through just with everyday life.
I was entertained lastnight, when mom was cooking dinner, she asked me to mash the potatoes, and I had to let D entertain himself. It was rather cute because I put on a children's show, that had people doing different silly dances, and making motions and such. I asked D if he could do it too, and boy, did he ever do a good job keeping up. Was rather cute watching him try to walk like a crab, and crawl like a puppy, and such.
Darius asked his daddy where he was going, Daddy replied "crazy, would you like to come" Darius says "ya" then proceeds to walk tot he entryway and sit to wait for someone to help him put his shoes and coat on. Daddy asks what he's doing, and he says "I'm going crazy with daddy."
I love having a 2 year old.
at 3:55 PM
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Yup, that's the government for ya.
I got a letter in the mail today from Government of Canada stating that I have an outstanding balance with Medical Services Plan, and that they could be with holding my 2004 tax refund.
Like, WTF...I thought I just sorted all this bullshit out with you people.
So, 6 phone calls later to 6 different agencies, and I have my answer. I owe for Sept. to Dec. of 2003. In order to be pardoned for that, I have to file for my 2002 tax refund or pay $199.58.
Until I do either of these two things, I don't get to file for my 04 tax refund.
Which...is so totally fucking with my budget I can't even begin to describe how fucking infuriated I am at the stupid fucknut blowjobs who put me into this situation.
People responsible? Me...I'm so unbelievably fucking moronic for assuming that any plans I made for any of my fucking income would be able to fit into anything in my fucking life.
We looked into maybe getting a smaller storage unit today, and because I don't have a credit card to charge it on, they want the first three months in advance, which would be somewhere around 350 dollars. It's saving us 60 dollars a month, but fuck...how am I supposed to come up with that money right away when I've just bought a new truck that's costing me the same as renting my own place??
I must've been the stupidest fucking person in the entire universe when I signed that fucking loan paper for the truck.
So...now, not only am I just thinking about another job, I'm going to have to get another job just to make up for the fucknuts bullshit.
If I could scream for hours on end, I would...
at 3:00 PM