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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Clarity

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm a little fucking ant on a big fucking log, and someone is pointing a goddamned magnifying glass at me.
Let's look at amber, how completely fucking stupid she is, how little, I wonder if we can squish with our toe...
I don't ask for much in this world (at least I'd like to think so), but when I do ask for something, it's important to me. Really important, and if I don't get them (i.e. behaviours, phone calls, notes, mp3s :o), or even a hug), I find myself wondering why I even bother to ask at all.
I asked for something simple, live and let learn, and I couldn't get that. That says to me that I don't deserve the things that I ask for, however little or big they may be. That says that I don't deserve respect, even though I respect you.
I've had this conversation with many people, friends and family alike, and they understand that when I ask for something, it's actually something I rather need, more-so-than want.
I need to keep my sanity, to believe that at my heart, I'm a good person, because somedays, living in my world, it's very easy to believe that I'm just one big fuck up, and I can't seem to find the ability to do anything right. I can't seem to find the way to love, and be loved in a healthy, normal fashion.
All I've ever wanted out of life was to be loved, and trusted, and to be cherished like I'm special.
I feel none of these.
Funny how life works sometimes.
I feel used, and disrespected, and like I'm the object in the store window that everyone laughs at just because I can't get the things I want out of life, because I feel like I'm failing.
All I'm asking for is help to aid me in making a success out of the lives of my family. Sure, I don't like being in charge of it, but when Chance starts making a contribution, and I can take time off, maybe I'll take time off from the head, and face of this family, because it sure is a tough position to be in.

2 thoughtful remarks:

chance said...

Just to let everyone thats reads this know, I CAN pay for the truck, but Amber will not let me. She has made it clear that I am the inconvenience, well she is because she will not let me pay for the truck. Its HER problem now, not mine.

Anonymous said...

well, lemme know if you weren't able to d/l those Jann mp3s...
- CLK