Thursday, August 04, 2005

Scathing Revelations...

You know, my heart always feels in the wrong.
Brand me with a scarlet guilty.
Concerning my truck, which my husband feels I've gotten over by now, I truly am guilty.
Of giving in.
For 2 and a half weeks my husband hounded me, relentless in his pursuit of trying to get it out of the shop. 2 1/2 weeks. I'm talking day-in, day-out assault on my heart, feelings, and mind.
Through-out this assault, which I could compare to a torture chamber, I came close to just walking away from everything I have.
Let's talk about stress, and the situations that cause it. Can you imagine, that everyday for 2 1/2 weeks you are being told how hard-headed and selfish YOU are being, how much of a pain in the ass you are being for reminding why we ended up here, and how you are lowering the quality of life for YOUR family?
I blame two people for this torture. My husband, and my mother-in-law.
I blame these two people because they both made me want to leave, and because they made me feel inferior, and because they made me feel inadequate.
Let me talk about why and how I got so angry about the situation in the first place.
When asked why my husband thought it would be ok to go away all day with the truck, and go mud-bogging, he replied "My mother knew where I was". Which for some unknown reason made this ok.
When asked why he wanted the truck out so bad, he replied "My mother and Don feel badly about it being in the shop because it was their idea to put it in there in the first place", and "What if there's an emergency and no one is here with a vehicle?"
In relation to these things I am "Stuck on myself", "inconveniencing everyone", "always negative" and that's just off the top of my head.
In relation, I called him a slefish son-of-a-bitch, a monumental asshole, fucking unbelievable piece of shit, and hmmm...I'm sure a few other things toppled in there. He's certainnly more educated than I am.
From the beginning, my husband has relied heavily on his parents, for a lot of things. Just as I rely on my mother for a roof over my head, and occaisional gas money, oh, and lets not forget the food in my belly.
Since we've gotten the truck back, my husband has let up on torturing me, and my mother-in-law has sent me and my mother flowers for a great visit.
Let's all sit back and watch what happens by August 23rd. The day Chance is supposed to have all money returned to my in-laws.
I would have been happy to have paid to get the truck out by next pay cheque, or even would have scraped it up from somewhere. But either way I would have taken care of it. There's no way I wouldn't have gotten it out for the family reunion.
Let's talk about violent behaviour. I don't like to go here unless severely pushed to this point, both times I have been pushed to this, I have to add, my mother-in-law has been involved in.
Now, let's talk about working together as a family.
In my family, if someone is having a dispute, everyone else keeps turns their heads the other way...everyone having understood the lifestyle of close living conditions. Opinions are not given unless asked.
But regardless of all of this, I am still guilty of being a bad wife, and wife who just can't understand, a wife who is too stuck on herself to try and think of where her husband is coming from. A bad wife for wanting nothing other than to hurt the person who just tore out her heart again by doing exactly what she asked him not to, and in front of her whole family to boot. A bad wife because she wouldn't forgive and forget like his mother did every time his father pulled a stunt like this. A bad wife because she glowered everytime he tried to brag about said specific incident.
Regardless of this, I am still a bad mother because my son needs a leash. I am still a bad mother because sometimes I wish to let others have fun with my child, and knowing this, I try to stay out of the way so they can have the full effect. I'm still a bad mother because I refused, for 2 1/2 weeks, to let my husband borrow money to get our truck back. I'm a bad mother because I choose not to diagnose my son with a disease that I have no knowledge of. I'm a bad mother because I don't get my son a regular haircut, and wouldn't mind giving it a shot myself.
Now, keep in mind, this is 2 1/2 weeks of being told these various things.
Now, with my depression problems, I'm amazed I survived. I wonder if god was testing me for a specific reason.
Out of all the hard work I've done for my family since the day we moved back to Canada, and all the hard work I know that I will continue to do, I know that it will never be enough.
I know I will never be able to give my husband everything he wants, or my son for that matter. I also know that I will never be able to afford all of the monetary things he could desire.
I will send my son to a decent school, I'll send him to the best my money can allow.
I'm not going to hold my breath and hope that my husband will be working anytime soon.
And in these reasons, I feel inferior. In these reasons I guilty.
In these reasons, I will never feel good enough for the family that I married into.
I have to wonder, if my son would do better in that family than I am now. I have to wonder if they would all be better off without me, because we certainly do not mix easily.