tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77464432024-03-07T15:23:38.966-08:00Mommy ManiaLife through my eyes, and the little things that run through my headAmberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.comBlogger1452125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-89638715594100544412014-11-04T13:56:00.001-08:002014-11-04T13:56:23.998-08:00Start AgainI feel like I'm going in circles.<div>
My feet touch down and my brain screams "what the fuck are doing here?"</div>
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yeah, yeah, I know. I guess I just needed a reminder. Or maybe I'm <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>sucker for punishment. Maybe I'm too optimistic for my own good.</div>
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If I were to read through my entire blog archive, I'd probably lose count of how many times I've put myself here.</div>
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I'm going to cross my fingers and hope I've got the strength to keep myself first, and not fall prey to the persuasion that always seems to push me back.</div>
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After all, I'm only afraid of the uknown. And I'm only human.</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-32524502052392842712014-10-02T10:53:00.000-07:002014-10-02T10:53:25.912-07:00A Project in the Works Yesterday was tough.<br />
I've been sitting on a project for months now, and with December approaching faster than I'd like it to, I figured it was time to get it started.<br />
Back in April, we had started adjusting to living in our new home, the kids were enjoying having animals around, and I was enjoying a bit of a break from moving. It was Easter, and I was taking the kids to an Egg Hunt at the local Fire Department. My friend texted me, asking me if I could pick her up, and I missed seeing it before I went. I gave her a lift home, instead. Her vehicle was out of comission, as her ex was unstable and had done his best to damage it. That was the last time I saw her. The next day I texted her, asking if she wanted to go adventuring with me, for a drive in the back roads. I wound up convincing my Mr to accompany me with the kids instead. She was murdered that day.<br />
In the aftermath, I think everything moved quickly. It's a bit of a jumble, but I made certain I kept a journal next to me so I could record what was going on, because I knew at some point it would all seem like a fog for me. I did the best I could, and tucked all the overwhelming thoughts away, for future mourning. At the time, I was babysitting a number of kids, and I needed to be able to function. After her funeral service, I managed to pull aside a family member, and mumble out an offer to make a quilt from her clothing to her family members. They gladly agreed, and made arrangements to get me her clothing.<br />
I've had her clothing in bags in my storage room since Easter. I've pulled them out a few times, gone through, took a look at what I would be working with, but haven't been able to bring myself to cut them. I struggled with sorting them out each time I've had the bags out. Each time, I find myself lost in conversations we had, memories of our times together, crying and thoughts of what she'd be doing today, if she were still here.<br />
Christmas is coming, and I'd like for her children to have the quilts by then. So, I sent out a message to those who were closest to her, asking them for their help. Only one person came to help. So, we spent the day piecing out her clothing, and cutting it into squares. By the time the friend left, I couldn't keep it together anymore, and my children were due to arrive home. So, I took a few minutes for myself, and gathered myself up. I didn't think I could face another day of cutting, it was hard enough facing her clothing yesterday. So, with a few extra hugs from the kids, I kept going until I thought I had enough for the quilts I was building, and headed to bed.<br />
I woke this morning, thinking, God, I need to smile. So, I spent my morning surfing pointless sites with happy gifs and pictures, until my tummy hurt from laughing so much.<br />
I reflect on the whole experience occasionally, but more so, now that the kids are back in school. There's so much to process from that time frame that it could, quite literally, take me years to figure it all out, and piece together my reactions and feelings. It's something I know will profoundly affect the way I look at things, and the way I approach certain situations. This sort of processing only takes time. And sometimes it's hard to find, time.<br />
So, another step of many for this project has been completed. Now to take a break before I can begin working on the next.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-20076880150779190652014-09-30T10:26:00.004-07:002014-09-30T10:26:45.415-07:00Grown UpIt's been so long since I've even thought about my blog, I had to do an account recovery just to log in!<br />
It's nice to know that Blogger is now under Google, and that I'll be able to access it from my Galaxy Note smartphone. I guess, once I figure out the workings behind it, I'll be able to blog more. For the past few years I've turned to Facebook to do my blogging for me. While I keep it to mainly random thoughts that float through my head, and moments that I notice that make me happy through the day, I definitely miss the ability to share a whole concept with my fellow bloggers. I haven't journaled or blogged in so long, it's like I've lost a good friend.<br />
So, it's nearing my next birthday. 33. My oldest is now 12, my youngest is 8. They give me joy and drive me insane all in one day. I'm grateful that I can still see their innocence, that they still call me mommy, and that they are children. At those ages I wasn't, still a child. I was some sort of freak hybrid. I feel sad, when I realize that my childhood wasn't what I thought it was. Reflection tends to do that to me. But, it also makes me fight harder for the things I know that my children SHOULD have. Not like I'm a parenting expert, but more like I know exactly what I don't want for them, and I work my way backwards from there.<br />
My children know that I love them, that I'm here for them if they need me, and that they can trust me. I don't expect them to respect me, or follow in my footsteps...in fact I'd be aghast if they did. What I expect is that they do everything that makes THEM happy. I won't define that for them. It's wonderful that they are their own beings with their own opinions, sense of humor, perceptions, morals and values. I swell with pride when I hear how honest my children are, or how they don't follow the pack, or the empathy they've shown others.<br />
What leaves me in awe, everyday, is that these little people have come from me. What gives me hope for any future that may be, is that they will be there, leaving their own mark on the world, however they choose. They know their own value. They're strong, and willfull, and wonderfully independent.<br />
And in seeing this every day I'm with them, makes me realize what a successful parent I am.<br />
I've never expected to be a success. Not at anything worth praising, anyways. It surprises me.<br />
There was a Teacher's Strike, here in BC, over the last few months, that had the kids leaving school early for summer break, and going back late for a new year. I chose to keep my summer as open as possible. Not plans, no garden, no traveling. I wanted the boys to lead me in what they wanted to do with our time. Consequently, we spent nearly every waking hour at the beach. I began to wonder if they were growing gills. They were happy.<br />
We fought, we argued, we laughed, we giggled, and we wondered with one another. My kids could read my moods just by my body language, and tuned in to the feelings that I had every day. I learned that they have sporadic minds that jump from subject to subject all day. How this doesn't exhaust them, I'll never know.<br />
2014 has been a pretty rough year. It seems that every other year is like that, for us. We moved, our family grew, we got new things for our family to enjoy, and we lost a friend. Life changes, and it does so quicker than anyone would like it to. There were a few times during the year that I thought to myself "I can't do this", "I can't survive if life is going to continue like this". Hence the relaxing summer. By the time summer arrived, I needed a break. We all did. The stress from the beginning months of 2014 left us all haggard and slow, and we've only just caught out breath.<br />
I'm continually surprised at those moments, where I feel weak, and brittle. Somehow, there's a voice that says to me, "Breathe, and take another step". Before I know it, I'm looking back on the shitty thing that just happened and I'm wondering how the hell I made it out the other side. Considering I was suicidal a couple of years ago, it's amazing to me that I've found that strength that I turned away from, and I welcome it in the times that I find it hardest to move.<br />
My coping mechanisms aren't where they "should" be, but I'm content with them as they are. I have a tendency to stuff it away for later reflection. That happened from having the kids around me night and day for so long. But the later reflection is savory. It's delicious, in it's own right. And while I don't prefer negative or positive feelings, I'm learning to accept them just as they are. Both can be turned into the other with perception.<br />
So, with all that being said...I turn 33 in less that a month. I finally feel like a grown up, but I keep the innocence I've built up over time close to my heart, because I've entered a time where the more I give of myself, the more comes right back at me.<br />
The many years I've spent looking for myself, trying on each personality like I'm looking for a good shoe, has left me with the comfortable knowledge that I know who I am. I like who I am. And that's not about to change any time soon, While I'm not always happy, I'm ok with whatever comes along, and I am certain that when it does hit, it's not going to be forever. That's a helluva lotta progress. More than I ever dared to dream of, once. And...well, damn. I'm pretty fucking proud of it.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-59714361141423389812013-08-05T11:12:00.002-07:002013-08-05T11:12:43.498-07:00It's that time again.I think, after a nice one year break, it's time to pick myself back up, and carry on.<br />
I always say that "not a lot" has gone on, but it's always untrue. Life is busy, and that's the long and short of it.<br />
After reading my last post, taking the time to update the theme & layout here, and deleting any spammers who've visited, I'm ready to continue where I left off.<br />
I've had this blog for 9 years now. Amazing. I've always loved journaling, mainly because I want to ensure I remember what happens in the course of my life, otherwise (and this is a symptom of my childhood) I forget.<br />
So, it's mid-summer here, and we're living back in Clearwater. I'm growing a garden, and staying at home with the kids. I'm finding that I love, more and more, being mom. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed it. I appreciate the little things, but enjoying things for what they are is a different story.<br />
While I'm no longer disappointed with my plans from last year around this time, i"m trying to work on what I'd like for my future. I turn 32 this year. Older than I ever thought I'd get...though I'm saying that more so now because I'm past 30.<br />
D, my oldest, is 11 year old this year. That was a breakthrough year for me, when things really started taking a turn for the worse. The age I started smoking, the age I started noticing boys, and the age I knew I didn't want my life that way but felt helpless to stop it. I hadn't come out of my shell yet, or acknowledged that I was anything but ugly, and was hideously self-conscious of everything I did.<br />
I think having children of my own, watching them grow, and seeing their own behavior at each age has really help me to overcome my own thoughts about how I grew up. I've discussed some of these thoughts with friends, and my Mr, but I really have so much in my head about it, I'm unsure I'll ever discuss all of it fully.<br />
My latest hobby is building. I've started a pallet collection and have been building whatever tickles my fancy. It's enjoyable, and physical, and my kids enjoy helping me with this. I'm gardening. A new venture for me, with us being chronic renters. I've put my foot down and explained that since this is an avenue I want to explore, we're not moving for at least another year. This gives me time to watch the garden grow, discover planting and weeding, annuals and perennials, and how to care for plants in general. It's been wonderful. I've really taken to spending quiet mornings alone in my garden. Both ventures are helping me renew the confidence I once had in myself, and subsequently lost following my break down. I knew, when I had my breakdown, that since it had taken years for it to happen, it would probably take years to gain it back. I'm grateful I'm a patient person.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-77804970363790082012012-10-04T13:47:00.002-07:002012-10-04T13:47:19.152-07:00UghI feel like I've been playing catch-up for a while now.<br />
September breezed on by, and I survived it.<br />
We moved from Salmon Arm back to Clearwater, and after a month of bunking in with friends, are now back into a place of our own.<br />
My schooling fell through, and I am now attempting my back-up plan.<br />
The kids are in school, and are making adjustments when neccesary.<br />
I feel kind of lost. It was a great summer, but when it came time to shut it down, I feel like I got kind of hosed, because all of the plans we had made fell through. That's typical for us though. I guess that is a strong sign that we're making the wrong choices.<br />
I'm working on being introspective, as I know there are a lot os things that have been bubbling beneath the surface of late, but I'm having trouble placing my finger on just one, or any for that matter. I don't feel right, or crazy happy. In fact, I feel a little lonely. This is one of those signs I really need to pay attention to, and try my hardest to remedy. The problem right now being that it's Thanksgiving weekend this weekend. Everyone is busy. This is the time where families join together, and enjoy each others' company, or the ones you love share it with you. We're not doing that again this year. I believe this is partly what's bothering me.<br />
Another part is trying to get myself to find a hobby that interests me. Sewing, for me, was always a favorite past-time, but it's been ages since I've sat down & actually enjoyed being creative for the sake of creativity. I miss that. I stopped taking photos long ago, and no longer find any interest in seeing myself on anything or in any shared moment. I think a big issue for me right now is how I feel about myself.<br />
Since having my plans crumble, and not being able to achieve what I had set out to do at the beginning of the summer, I feel rather lost. I had set a path in place, and it just didn't work out. I know I need to continue trying, or finding new avenues to explore, but I guess you could say I'm moping. I'm wallowing. SO not attractive, I know.<br />
A genuine lack of inspiration, and a feeling of being stuck have left me in a state that I'd rather not be in at all.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-72638781778203305432012-08-11T20:01:00.003-07:002012-08-11T20:01:49.943-07:00ExpectationsIt's been a long, but short, summer. Ya know?<br />
It flies by when I least expect it, but drags on when we need to go from one place to the next, and it's filled with UGH moments. <br />
We've been active, busy, and have done our utmost to enjoy the freedom of the season.<br />
Softball, swimming, hiking, exploring, white water rafting, movies, gardening, building, bonfires, baking and more.<br />
It's amazing the range of activities we get up to when we put our minds to having fun.<br />
<br />
Even though we've been busy, and we've had lots of fun so far, I'm ready to settle back in Salmon Arm, in my own home, and get ready for the new School Year. Living out of a suitcase, after all, is rather difficult.<br />
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So, to sum it all up...this summer has definitely lived up to MY expectations so far, and it's not even over yet! Can't wait to see what's in store, but when I find out, so will you!</div>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-59772992062730447822012-07-05T05:17:00.000-07:002012-07-05T05:17:51.032-07:00Glad We Could Catch Up!Between the last blog post and now:<br />
I have applied for, been accepted to & have begun my search for funding for College.<br />
Volunteered as much as possible at my boys' school.<br />
Gained new insight into my own personal strengths.<br />
Identified goals that are important to me, and have begun the steps to achieve them.<br />
Narrowed my expanse of personal expectations, and have come to accept that I may not neccesarily meet them all, but I will be a work in progress.<br />
Enjoyed being a part of my local community.<br />
Let my anger slip away, and have come to terms with what I've survived through.<br />
Made some positive, life-changing decisions.<br />
Taken a long look at my battle with depression, and have come to understand much more about the darker side of myself.<br />
Celebrated my youngest' 6th Birthday.<br />
Celebrated my Mr's 32nd Birthday.<br />
Celebrated the life of my Father-In-Law on our first Father's Day without him.<br />
Discovered that this loss was not only significant to my husband, but to myself as well...but for different reasons.<br />
Made some changes in our home life to affect our family positively.<br />
Attended a dizzying array of meetings, consultations, and groups to get a better hold of how I can direct my family into a more comfortable zone, and focus on the priorities that lay ahead.<br />
Moved out of our house that we were renting, as we will be travelling too much this summer to actually live in it.<br />
Started looking for a new place to rent, as I need something a bit closer to the boys' school to manage our combined schedules.<br />
Hit the road with the family, taking a nice adventure for the summer.<br />
<br />
I've liked to say, for many years now, that there is never a dull moment in our family. I've seen a number of unexpected surprises, and have managed to roll with the punches and make the best of things. This doesn't mean I'm the happy-go-lucky-cheerleader-type, but rather the optimist who chooses to see the bright side of things. I have found my strength in this to be invaluable. This has allowed me to once again find my place in my family as a piece of solidarity, and confidence. It has also allowed me to rely more on my Mr, and strengthened our relationship because of it.<br />
Significant personal growth has been the result of the entire last 18 months of depression, and turmoil.<br />Somehow, I've come out of the gloom into a much brighter light and into a much clearer defined me.<br />
This summer I will be celebrating myself.<br />
Then, when the fall comes, I will be celebrating that I have finally taken a step for myself that I've put off for far too long.<br />
I'll be sure to pop by & post some pictures along the way ;)Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-83828015397923439362012-04-10T10:46:00.000-07:002012-04-10T10:46:06.311-07:00TryingWell, life is underway.<br />
Mr has been working steadily with the local School District, after getting some final paperwork in order. He's also begun attending lodge here with the local Masons, and is excited to not only be accepted and welcomed with open arms, but to be sponsored to continue his learning within.<br />
H is doing wonderfully in school, and as a reading assessment has been done, we've determined he's reading a full year ahead of his current age. He's got friends galore, and always greets me with a smile on his face after school.<br />
D has made many friends in class, after months of our continued worries that it wasn't going to happen. His 10th birthday came and went with Spring Break. We hosted a pool party for him at the local Rec Center, which was followed by a Sleepover, with 6 boys attending. I've never seen so much food eaten by such a group!! D was thrilled with everything he received, and is enjoying his new age.<br />
I have signed up for A Human Service Work Diploma program at the local College in town. A 2 year Diploma, I'm currently studying for the tests I need to take to qualify to enter. This is the first step I've taken on my own to futher my education, and I'm very excited. It's not just something I saw that might be interesting, it's something I want, and without a doubt will obtain, come hell or high water.<br />
I've also been hired by the local School District to sub as an Aboriginal Education Worker, whenever they need me. Truthfully, though, I'm not pushing the envelope to work there right away. <br />
When I contemplate my journey thus far, I'm constantly surprised at how far I've come.<br />While I'm still suffering from depression, it's not nearly as bad as it was this time last year. Last year I was binge drinking round this time, isolating, and withdrawing. I'm reaching out more, filling my days that allow me at least one trip oout of the house per day, and have set my expectations appropriately for myself. While I'm not the clean freak I used to be, I still manage to keep a handle on my housework, and shed my guilt for not being able to do as much as I used to.<br />
I'm still seeing a counsellor to help me work through the things that are there, and am receiving support from friends I've made through the school. <br />
While life isn't great everyday, it's manageable, and I feel more normal than I have in ages. The suicidal thoughts that had dominated my brain for so long, I won't tell you how long, are so quiet I hardly even notice them anymore.<br />
The sun has come out, and we've begun exploring the local area with hiking and driving. The kids truly enjoy collecting bits of nature while we go exploring, and have amassed a collection of various items since we started. I love watching their curiosity.<br />
So, to sum it up, I'm feeling good, and life is moving along at such a pace, I can hardly keep up. But, at least I can try.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-87479478556981357512012-03-16T21:33:00.002-07:002012-03-16T21:33:53.967-07:00Spring BreakIt's Sprin break for the kids. Spending it in Washington @ MIL's house.<br />
D's <b><u>10th</u></b><u></u> birthday is coming up. Scary. My baby is hitting double digits.<br />
We "left" behind the game systems at the house. It's been nice doing other things besides being glued to the TV screens all day.<br />
Kite flying, bubble blowing, DVD Bingo, Lego building, reading & crafting with the kids. It's been fun and relaxing so far.<br />
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I believe it takes a certain kind of person to fly a kite. I'm not one of them. D apparently is. <br />
I got so sick of trying to keep up with the housework at our house ( still recovering from the post-illness clean-up) that I opted to just hit the road instead of having a stay-cation.<br />
We went to see The Lorax, which I thoroughly enjoyed (despite not having any idea what it was about).<br />
It's ncier to clean someone else's house than my own, LOL<br />
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Thought I'd share a bit of our Vacaion with you :o)<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-84110210694148562072012-03-02T10:49:00.001-08:002012-03-02T10:49:32.923-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As an after-thought...Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-5475100793725941432012-02-21T20:21:00.001-08:002012-02-21T20:21:35.574-08:00Quick UpdateLots going on, most of it normal.<br />I've volunteered for the school's One-to-One Reading program, begun attending a depression support group, and have also started a relationship group with the Mr.<br />
We've gotten a local Rec Centre family pass, the flu, new books & games, and had multiple visits from MIL & my mom.<br />
Mr has started Fire Recruitment Training (All of which he learned in Clearwater) & attending regular fire practices @ his assigned hall.<br />
The boys are great, with a huge mix of ups and downs, and struggles & triumphs. Recently, they wrapped up their Winter Rec Program in which D Cross-Country Ski-ied(sp??) with his class and snowshoed. H had ice skating lessons before the whole school (all 76 students) finished it off with a big day of sledding, skiing, snowshoeing and lots of outdoors snow fun. <br />
H is now in swimming lessons with his class, and the whole school is getting ready for a Talent Show/Family Dinner Night coming up in March. H will be Hoola-Hooping, while D will be a part of the Stage Crew.<br />
In case I forgot to mention it, I've had eye-lasering to repair the significant tears in both of my retinas, and have a clean bill of eye health, with scheduled visits to both my optometrist & specialist regularly to ensure any detatchment does not occur. So...no dog for me :-(<br />
I'm making arrangements to go visit the doctor and explore any further diagnosis for myself, which could possibly include PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Clinical Depression. I am hoping that with a diagnosis, I will be able to have something to grasp at other than the straws that I hold. Thus leading me to further support & opportunity. We shall see.<br />
Anyhow, plenty more to say, plenty to think about, but as it's bedtime for the boys, I need to scoot.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-87326997020747386422012-01-07T00:35:00.000-08:002012-01-07T00:35:51.429-08:00Lovin' ItThe holidays were fantastic. They were relaxing, and the perfect time to re-connect with one another. Uno, Monopoly, Risk, Canasta, Scrabble, Go Fish. A Harry Potter-thon, a Spongebob-thon, and many many more. We didn't travel anywhere, we didn't have a huge dinner, we chilled out. Christmas morning we woke up to both kids in our bed, asking if it was time to wake up yet or not. When we finally agreed, both kids raced upstairs to the tree, and were ecstatic over the discovery of their new Pillow Pets set in front of the tree that Santa left just for them. They sorted gifts while I made coffee. Once we all settled in to our spots in the living room and they began tearing with abandon. This is the first year ever that they tore & threw and sprang to the next box. The living room was spotless to begin, and in the end we couldn't see the floor. Then it was blissfully quiet as the kids explored their new toys & gifts. I tidies us up and then we relaxed for the day. For dinner we ate Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwhiches & a variety of platters to pick at.<br />We had some fun, our house was a mess, and it was great.<br />
We're into the New Year now, and I'm enjoying the small gifts life is offering me.<br />
D got a great gift box that included a variety of tape & colored paper. Thia may seem strange, but he can be occupied for hours with a box full of recyclables & some scissors & tape.<br />
He remembered his tap lastnight. It was bedtime & he started taping across doorways, booby-trapping them for us parents. He heckled & heckled before I finally gave in. He fell over in a fit of giggles when we finally did. It's SO hard to be mad at them when they're so giddy.<br />
The night before I was trying to get them to bed, and they were giggling madly together. Whispering secrets, telling each other jokes & when I came in, I discovered them developing a secret handshake with one another. I repeat: It's SO hard to be mad at them for being such great brothers.<br />
I was laying down with them trying to get them settled, when, once again, they were giddy & giggly. Without warning, they BOTH gave me a Wet Willy. I had no idea H even KNEW what a Wet Willy was.<br />
My kids are great, and they're keeping me grounded. <br />
I love watching them become better brothers.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-86040937408617833102011-12-22T14:48:00.000-08:002011-12-22T14:48:25.552-08:00The Gift of SightWhat a ride this month has been.<br />
I visited an Optemetrist recently. I had planned on getting myself a new pair of glasses for a Christmas gift, since I broke my last pair back in June, & have been wearing an old pair since.<br />
I chose a convenient Dr who had a registration page that you could fill out & email online, then made my appointment. Their office was bright & treny, with a friendly helpful staff. I went through a course of tests before I went in to actually see the Dr. 3 different types of eyes scans & those air puffer thingies. Anyhow, they took some digital pictures of my eyes, and when the Dr came in to adjust my prescription, he examined me further. First he dialated my eyes, then did a further exam requiring bright lights & scopes peering eerily innto my pupils while I resisted the urge to blink.<br />
He decided to send me to a specialist because he saw some shadows on my retinal pictures, and upon further investigation appeared to be what he feared were "tears" in my retinas.<br />
He specifically said that it was urgent that they be repaired as soon as possible, and if it wasn't remedied, could result in a "detatched retina". Ok, after hearing those two words and grasping their meaning, I basically floated out of there in a wave of shock & made my way home.<br />
They stated that I could expect a call in 2-3 days from the specialist to arrange an appointment. After a bit of a kafuffle I got in to see them yesterday.<br />
I must say I dislike having my pupils dialated. It results in wicked migraine headaches in which nearly everything hurts. It hurts to open my eyes, sounds are amplified & echo, my muscles are tensed up and difficult to relax. It is a very unpleasant feeling.<br />
After an exam from the specialist, the Dr stated that I had a "significant" amount of retinal thinning & tears/holes in both of my eyes. He also stated that it's possible that even with lasering to remedy the ones he can identify, it won't guaruntee that another tear or thinning spot won't just appear and detach my retina, rendering me blind. In short, he explained that this was an eventuality, rather than taking a "preventative measure".<br />
It puts into perspective the gift that sight is. I'm grateful to see, and grateful for those things that I have witnessed. I'm grateful I can see my children, and enjoy the expressions on their faces.<br />
I'm not afraid of blindness, and am completely certain that it would not slow me down in least. Having never had experience with the world of the blind, I'm unsure what sort of services or training that sort of thing would require. Learning a new way to read and write & such would be interesting...but I'm most grateful for the fact that it would allow me to get a dog! My very own dog, who would be faithful to just me!<br />
So, I'll be going in to see the Specialist in two separate appointments to have each eye lasered, and was told to expect pain, for which I should take Tylenol before I attend. Afterwards, any sort of head injury that I could sustain, has the possibility of rendering me blind. I understand that it's an eventuality, and I'm ok with it. I'm worried about the when. I'm sure I'll come to grips with that eventually as well.<br />
Right now, I find I'm afraid to close my eyes to sleep, for fear of waking up blind. While I know this is irrational, I also know I just need to work my way through it.<br />
So, I'm enjoying my holidays with the boys, and living my life day to day. For the time being that will be enough, because I know that my proccess is slower than most.<br />
Right now, I'm enjoying the gift of sight.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-71861146519430677482011-12-19T12:20:00.000-08:002011-12-19T12:20:37.596-08:00Christmas Vacay<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkb8mU9TLJuXBK38Ju0VITGr0IvhnyeBewInc7T5TO2fQ3ANuBo6j6TVYdNADBTxj0CChmD_IvDyUqu-3HJckiKmwBvQusndXqVHgceLo6x7Jy2VWKSudyzZrftQnHLpi-Rkca/s1600/Dec-11+014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkb8mU9TLJuXBK38Ju0VITGr0IvhnyeBewInc7T5TO2fQ3ANuBo6j6TVYdNADBTxj0CChmD_IvDyUqu-3HJckiKmwBvQusndXqVHgceLo6x7Jy2VWKSudyzZrftQnHLpi-Rkca/s200/Dec-11+014.JPG" width="150" /></a>Christmas Vacation is officially here for the boys.
We've been on a gamer kick for the last three days. Zelda & pretty much anything else that catches our fancy. The boys have also been building tunnels in their rooms for the hampster to go through out of Video Cassettes. All in all it's been quite enjoyable so far. Mellow, laid-back, & relaxing. No hectic schedules, no bouncing from place to place, no ill-timed meet-ups. No meltdowns so far, just a little spat here or there...nothing that a bite or two of food can't fix.
I've done my to-do's on my list, eliminating summer clothing from dressers & storing them away, knocking out the mending pile, doing some planned & unplanned baking, & keeping the house in decent shape, despite all 4 of us being cooped up.
I feel good this holiday season. I cannot express that enough. I hope that it shows when I'm spending time with the boys. I hope it shows when I'm cooking their food, doing their dishes, and watching them sleep.
My EI runs out by the end of this month. Am considering applying for regular EI (as opposed to Medical Employment Insurance), or possibly enrolling in school. There's no time like the present, I figure. I also know another semester is starting Mid-January. We shall see. Could be possible I may pick up a part-time job or two to make up for lack of income.
I've got some sewing projects I plan to do in the evenings, after the kids hit the sack. Some PJ's for the kids, a quilt for a friend, and a Domo hat & mittens set for the D-man.<br />
I was hoping for some snow, but each time it snows it warms up the next day & it melts :o(<br />
Lots on my mind. Mainly the difference between Shame & Guilt. Despite everyone's arguments, I cannot rid myself of the shame I feel over events that have taken place. This is the main issue that is <br />
detrimental to my health. Working on it though. It's a bit tiring, as it means I'm going through everything again, over and over again, until I can convince myself otherwise.<br />
I'm not ready for a full time responsible job yet, but I feel I can handle a part-time job that's easy to do.<br />
I'm hoping the New Year will shape up better than this one did. Here's to hope.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-26410584399705118852011-12-11T11:48:00.001-08:002011-12-11T11:57:40.143-08:00Chillin out, maxin' relaxinYep. We changed our plans at the last minute this week, and wound up in Clearwater, rather than Kelowna.
A friend had his Birthday this weekend, and I figured if he could make it down to Salmon Arm I could make it to Clearwater for HIS celebration.
Good food, good laughs, good sleep & chilling in a group full of parents & kids (some of whom stayed in pj's all day).
When it came ot party time, most everyone we invited couldn't make it to the party, so we enjoyed some Mr. Bean & fanTAStic food. After the kids were booted to bed, we busted out the jello shots & the Wii-motes. Picture 4 adults trying to keep up with Michael Jackson's moves dancing to Thriller...heehee. It made me giggle so hard I almost wound up with a jello shot coming out my nose. Was loads of fun, and now we're just gearing up to spend the day on the road, meandering back home whilst stopping in for quick visits with those we haven't seen in a while.
It's been a great weekend.
I'm beginning to enjoy doing the things that I actually WANT to do, rather than the things I feel like I HAVE to do. It's a very rewarding experience.
I'm in love with my family. Adorable boys who are brilliant in their own way, and a Mr who is making a genuine effort to be amazing.
While it's true that I miss Clearwater, and the friends we left behind here, I'm not anxious to move back any time soon. It leaves me with a large feeling of non-closure. It feels like I have unfinished business here, and a reputation to rebuild for myself. I'd love to have a go at attempting this, but not right now. I'm still much more fragile than I let on, and I'm ok with that.
I'm working on the difference between Shame & Guilt. I think once I've worked this out, I'll be able to start forgiving. Forgiving myself for getting into situations that I knew were dangerous, forgiving the assholes who took advantage of me, forgiveness for those who were supposed to watch out, but didn't. Forgiveness covers a wide scope of topics, I think. I know once I start it will all crumble, and I'll be a puzzle waiting to be put back together, only the picture will be much much different that it has in the past.
I'm glad, after all is said and done, that I have friends that I can feel safe around, no matter what my actions are. I'm glad I have a family that loves me. I'm glad I'm here.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-37895406746035742332011-12-07T21:34:00.001-08:002011-12-07T21:58:57.964-08:00Staying HomeSo much floating round my mind these days it's hard to keep track of thoughts & dreams. Dreams are quite strange these days too. Which, I guess, means my brain is trying to sort all these thoughts out.
I'm doing my best to avoid store-christmas shopping this year, and am keeping it to online purchases mostly. Not only is there more variety, but I feel it's saving me from impulse purchases that could wrack my bill up past my budgeted amount. I'm not buying for extended family, or even close family. I'm actually only planning on shopping for my household.
We're not travelling for Christmas this year, but keeping to our own home & area. We will, however, be travelling for New Years. After I've settled down on those plans, I feel quite at ease with this holiday season, and much less stressed about it all. I'm not doing a big Christmas dinner, but something small and nice that will be compiled of all of our favorite foods, not just a traditional spread.
This year, I'm making it about us.
I'm working on small breakthroughs with my therapist. Small steps to acknowledge all that I've survived this past year.
Lots to think about, and I'm glad I can manage it whilst we hustle & bustle our way through everyday life.
I just need to remind myself to stop and ask for a hug every now and then.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-40552734436566618182011-12-07T08:59:00.001-08:002011-12-07T08:59:03.204-08:00What's Goin On - Jonah Mawry<iframe width="320" height="247" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TdkNn3Ei-Lg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-76063348868771995882011-12-03T14:19:00.000-08:002011-12-03T14:19:58.818-08:00The myth of unhappiness - Attraction in Action by Karen Luniw<a href="http://www.castanet.net/news/Attraction-in-Action/67889/The-myth-of-unhappiness">The myth of unhappiness - Attraction in Action by Karen Luniw</a><br /><br />Something to think about...Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-85438661660505467462011-12-03T13:40:00.001-08:002011-12-03T14:12:50.351-08:00Suicidal ThoughtsIt's been a long week. I swear I'm suffering from "Sympathy Recovery", LOL I've noticed that when MIL isn't feeling too perky I'm right there with her, and when she's feeling unstoppable we're both able to accomplish a whole bunch.<br />
Since being here I've gone to see the newest Twilight Movie, which left little hearts circling my head, and gone to the Okanagan Bingo Casino. That last one was interesting, considering they smoke indoors down here. Eeew, is all I can say. It was an hour before my eyes started burning and my throat was so dry I could only croak. When I left I felt totally saturated, and showered when I got home. It wasn't until this morning that I got rid of that taste. It was fun, in any event, but I found it rather small.<br />
I've also been crafting with my time, crocheting, and weaving, and reading my way through Christmas magazines. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I get home.<br />
I sure have missed them and their bouncy enthusiasm. Their Christmas concert, and their School Photos came & went this week. Am hoping I can make something small for the children in H's class for their Christmas party, but we shall see what I can come up with.<br />
Lots of things to contemplate this week. Death & suicide & my mindset 6 months ago. The differences between those on the north and south side of the border, and just how lifestyles can cause such drastic differences.<br />
I've applied for a job with the local school district, and gone through the interview, and was required to speak to some old co-workers for references. That was a wee-bit uncomfortable, considering the questions they asked me, and the pointed tones in their voices referring to my mental health at the time that I left. It truly left me wondering if I shouldn't just apply for those little jobs for the time being, until I feel like it won't be watching over my shoulder and glaringly fresh.<br />
Yes, I had a mental health breakdown. Yes, I was suicidal, and I'm here in front of you asking you to employ me. Yes, I have unresolved issues in my personal life, who doesn't? Yes, I've sought treatment for these issues, and am coping the best I can with the help of my family and friends.<br />
This past 6 months feel like I've lived a lifetime, and I'm assuming it will take ages to work my way through the events of the last 6 months.<br />
Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, separations, searching for help and not receiving it, and my spiral into addictions I had assumed were resolved, and my subsequent re-resolving, the passing of 3 family members, reconciliation, finding the help I needed, and acceptance of the three things I need to survive.<br />
In truth, when you see it listed like that it is a lifetime. When you see it like that, one can see that I'm starting over again, hopefully more aware from y experiences.<br />
When I consider suicide, and it's ramifications, I can't help but think to myself that it's a justified state for some. For those who are un-save-able. While those who've passed on in this manner have saddened me with their passing, I find myself unable to be angry or holding them to blame. I merely find myself saddened by the loss and truly sympathetic to their plight.. I'm wondering if that's weird. Do those left behind in the wake of suicide usually feel that way?<br />
It all leaves a lot left for me to ponder, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Silently, mind you, because I don't know exactly what I idea I want formed until I've sorted it all through.<br />
All in all it's been quite the ride so far, and it's working it's way back to what would resemble normal for me. It all leaves me wondering what normal is too, but that's a question for another day, I think.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-75403973349985724582011-11-30T22:26:00.000-08:002011-11-30T22:26:06.674-08:00Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got<a href="http://bit.ly/taQgkh">Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got</a>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-3971939977077612972011-11-30T09:57:00.001-08:002011-11-30T10:00:56.227-08:00That's My Answer<strong>Indigo @ <a href="http://thatsmyanswer.com/" target="_blank">That's My Answer</a> asks:</strong><br />
<strong> </strong><br />
<strong>Where are you selfish?</strong><br />
<br />
<strong>I am most selfish about sleep. I am a bit of a restless sleeper, and an over-achiever, so I snag a nap if I'm feeling too run down. I enjoy sleep, a lot. I nap in one hour increments and like to take my time getting up by hitting the snooze button twice and stretching in between. </strong>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-4802327175345188522011-11-29T09:24:00.001-08:002011-11-29T09:58:22.233-08:00Christmas Wind UpCoffee is good.<br />
Am staying w/MIL this week, and got a big bed all to myself.<br />
We came down for the USA Thanksgiving, and wound up with just Canadians at the dinner table, which is kinda funny when you think about it. A big amount of food, and a crazy amount of fun, we had dinner while my MIL was in hospital undergoing a procedure to remove her Gall Bladder. Once the festivities ended and all those who joined us went home, I stayed behind to ensure MIL would be comfortable.<br />
I am catching up on sleep, working on small craft projects and occupying my time by reading the news, interestingly enough.<br />
I am making Christmas Garland out of pop can tabs for my tree's at home (of which I have 4. A 7ft, 2x3ft, and a 12in), and am teaching myself to crochet again, and working my way through a couple of magazines I bought for myself. Am contemplating buying some more crafty items just to keep myself afloat and quite busy. Methinks I'm enjoying my favorite chair just a little bit too much, lol.<br />
I am forever amazed at just how ridiculous some people are here, and just how far their ignorance and close-mindedness can take them. I made a minor booboo by forgetting to get a larger refill on my meds, and am now scrambling to find a suitable place to get them refilled, but will unfortunately be required to take a drive back up to cross the border and get them from the nearest border town. Hmm, interesting. Won't be doing that again.<br />
Anyhow, have been busy. I'm beginning to wonder if that's on purpose. Am I avoiding any unresolved issues by keeping myself super busy? It could possibly be. Honestly though, what normal person would <i>want</i> to deal with my issues. It will eventually get dealt with, I'm not that great a procrastinator, I don't think.<br />
So, am sitting back and relaxing, and enjoying the quiet, but am also thinking of my boys and remembering what a good time they had this weekend with friends and family. Games were played, movies & tv shows watched, Hide & Seek won and lost, plus hours of Twister & Hopscotch and secret giggles behind the furniture by all children. They trule do make the holiday, I'm finding.<br />
Gearing up for Christmas now, let's hope it's a good one.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-37175583929944690922011-11-15T07:58:00.001-08:002011-11-15T07:59:23.536-08:00LOVE it :oD<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wyx6JDQCslE" width="560"></iframe>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-89874027639425033612011-11-14T12:54:00.001-08:002011-11-14T13:04:59.170-08:00That's My Answer<a href="http://thatsmyanswer.com/man-caves/#comments" target="_blank">Indigo @ That's My Answer</a> asks:<br />
<strong>My husband has a <em>man cave</em>, it’s where all his video games are and I liken it to a woman’s sewing or craft room. Does your man have a <em>man cave</em>?</strong><br />
<br />
He's putting his together slowly but surely. Expected improvements to come by Christmas are a larger tv with sattelite and some new video games + controllers. He also has a small "workshop" in our storage room in the basement where he works on his chainsaws.<br />
<br />
<br />
We've gone for about two years now without cable or sattelite in our home, enjoying movies & Netflix immensely. We have a large DVD collection, and also borrow frequently from our local libraries. With it being Hockey season, and me taking more of an interest in it, I'm hoping to gain sattelite access or possibly something from online that will allow me to watch ALL Vancouver Canucks games in the near future.<br />
Hopefully we'll be getting some new group player games & controllers to go with our game systems soon as well. I'm hoping, also, to collect video game systems to add to our already large stash.<br />
On a side note, I think it would be wonderful to add to Mr's tool collection. Is that weird?Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7746443.post-20678684087160512752011-11-11T17:01:00.001-08:002011-11-11T17:10:40.727-08:00Finally, a weekend that I get to spend in my own home!<br />
I've been suffering from strange dreams. Dreams about sex, about people, about friends I've not seen in years, about places I can barely recall the particulars of. It would seem I'm surring from another bout of remembering.<br />
This means that I'm remembering more than I care to.<br />
I've got a feeling of blah. I'm shutting it down because to struggle my way through the feelings related to those memories is just too difficult with all that is going on in our family right now. I often wonder to myself just what consitutes as good timing. LOL When is it best to relive those memories? When it is safest? <br />
I've been finding myself sporradically crying, and randomly freezing because something triggered me and I'm reliving it inside myself, but no one else knows what's going on. This means I've been getting worried glances and plenty of "are you ok?" 's from the Mr. It's difficult to explain when all I want to do is forget. I just don't think I possess the strength right at this particular time, given the battle we're already in.<br />
Unfortunately, this also means that I've been shutting down more frequently. A case of avoidance. Not good when children demand attention from you, and can tell when you're not there. I zone, I tune out, I glaze over, disconnect. My actual self is up in the air, right behind me, watching over my shoulder.<br />
Quite honestly, there's SO much going on, I just don't want to deal with any of it. But, life goes on, and I'm doing the best I can to unload each week, and make sure I rest when I can.<br />
I do believe when this weekend is over, I'll have more phone calls and appointments to make.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18270666719289599529noreply@blogger.com0