On The Bright Side

While we still have chosen not to go the route of Sattelite or Cable television in our home, I have discovered AccuRadio Holidays channel, and am sighing with a big heart in my eyes.
I do my baking, cleaning, and reading with my laptop close-by and music in any genre playing til my heart`s content.
Just thought I`d share :o)

It's So Close

It's been a great season so far. other than the fact that I am busy as all get out. ;)
I've been hired back on in the Daycare at work, and as such, come the New Year, I will be working alone in the daycare on two afternoons during the week. Kinda scary, but this will definitely inspire me to further my Early Childhood Education certifications.

Winter is turning out to be all I expected it to be in this region, and I won't lie...I'm loving it!
There's snow when there should be snow, there's muffled quiet, and there's beauty in every tree I can see from my kitchen window.
I have officially survived the Christmas Parties that I had planned on attending, and removed myself from the guest-list of those I decided I didn't have the energy for. I'm continually amazed at how much energy Christmas is taking from me this year.
I'm at home this week. I thought I had a hangover on Sunday, then I realized when I woke up the next morning, (and the morning after) that I must have caught a version of the stomach flu that is circulating in our area. It sucks. I just now got the idea to place buckets randomly throughout the house. I wish I had thought of that before.
My tree is up, my home is as decorated as it's going to get. I've gotten the makings for Christmas Dinner, and my mom has H for this week (thank goodness!). All those relatives who will be joining us, and a few who were un-expected, will be arriving soon.
Ready for the holiday. And, honestly, I didn't buy any gifts for anyone else, besides the kids. It feels kinda weird, and Grinchy, but I think I may be able to get used to it.
I'm lookin forward to having some time with family, but will also be working through the holiday season. Shame.

Normalcy

And life is back to normal. The kids had it out with me over the weekend, I spent the entire day with them at home today, and now we're gearing up for a non-stop Christmas round up for the next three weeks.
I truthfully don't know when I'm even going to get an opportunity to do any Christmas shopping, but we will just have to wait and see and seize some spontaneity.
We had a birthday party for a friend on Saturday night that went fairly well, with a non-rowdy crowd and a friend jammin out on his guitar.
Mr picked up a short-term side job that'll end just before Christmas, and I managed to pick up a few hours at the daycare. All in all, should be a bit of an adjustment with the hustling around that I'll have to do, but nothing I can't manage.
I'm enjoying the snow and cool temps here at home, that weren't there in Vancouver when I visited. It's nice to be back in snow and normal winter temps, rather than silly rain!
Looking forward to heading back to work tomorrow.

Well, I've learned a lot over the past four days, and today I received my certificate to prove it!
I'm tired, but happy.
I'm headed to visit with family before I leave tomorrow in the early morning hours.

Day Three

I people watched lastnight.
I watched as people seemingly not paying any attention to what they were doing avoided bumping into each other as they charged through skytrain stations. I watched people honestly pay for their fare, even though no one was there to check.
I watched lovers say goodbye to one another. I watched friends greet each other, their faces lighting up as they spotted one another through the crowd.
I witnessed anxiety on professionals faces as they prepared to enter a room of their peers.
I watched the poor beg for money, cigarettes, a place to stay.

Life is amazing when you consider just how many others are living it, through whatever it is that they are experiencing.

I caught the new Harry Potter movie with my uncle lastnight, and really enjoyed myself. Neither of us were in a hurry, and we strolled through the evening streets of downtown Vancouver chatting away the night. It's hard to remember the beauty of this place when you're hustling through, trying to make it to your destination on time. With no other commitments, we admired the lights, and the people, the store windows, and each other.
I'm reminded just how glad I am that in a city of unending bustle, that I know someone who genuinely cares about me, and who's willing to listen to the rambling thoughts in my head.
It's a good day today, and I'm glad I'm here.

First Day Down

I'm ready to be inspired.
My first day of training is down. I'm ready and waiting for the inspiration that I know is coming.
I was comfortable in the class I was in, I'm 1 of 16 total, and have really enjoyed myself so far.
There are four more days left.
I took a 7 hour bus ride to get here. I'm in a room with a king sized bed on the 15th floor, and the traffic is still really loud. I'm amazed that it's so loud here, and that there was a time where I could sleep through so much hustle and bustle.
I'm meeting up with my aunt and uncle tonight, and we're going to catch the new Harry Potter. So excited to see if I can complete my homework assignment.
Giving three random people a positive compliment on something they've done.

A Pleasant Surprise

I cleaned my office and re-arranged everything in it to make it more appealing to the eye. I share my office with someone who runs a different program from me. Therefore, it's full of various bins with items in it reserved for different programs. My office has been an eyesore for ages. I got tired of it today...and I was frustrated with some of my research and wanted a distraction. I'm happy with it now, but would feel better if I could bring in some curtains to hide the eyesore behind my desk that would normally be a closet.

I checked the mail today after I finished work.

I opened the PO Box to find a stiff envelope addressed to D from Immigration. He received his Citizenship Card today. He is now an official dual citizen (which he always was, but we hadn't actually filed the proper paperwork ensure the government recognized this) of the USA and Canada.
This means that once we get a notarized copy of his card and ship it off to BC MSP (The Medical Services Plan), CTB (Child Tax Benefit), and CIC (Citizenship and Immigration Canada), that we will substantially raise our income within the next month, and potentially have Mr as a Permanent Resident by March 2011.
For once, things are actually working out.
I have reason to hope they may actually flow smoothly.

It's going down to -27 C tonight. In the middle of a cold snap. Sposed to clear up by the weekend...which is good, because I'm traveling to Vancouver to finally receiving my Home Visitor Training. I'm staying at a swanky hotel for 5 nights by myself. Yay!

Man Memories

***Usual family disclaimer. Graphic and detailed, leave or read, but don't mention it to me***

I'm finding it difficult to look in the mirror these days.

I'm thinking it may be time to pick my camera up, and look for that beauty I always seemed to find with my timer. I miss the self-exploration, and the freedom it gave me. Haven't really done that a lot over the past few months. Really, there's just not many pictures of me from the past 7 months, and that says a lot to me.

I've always had a tough time trusting men. From what I grew up with, who can blame me?
I'm going to go through some details from a point in my past which I truly try to forget. They've been preying on my mind lately, because of an issue that arose recently.

Right now, I know I'm back to square one. I don't care for this fact, not one bit. It really feels like it's just been done so many times, how many more fresh starts can I possible stand to do?
I was complaining today, the past month, in fact, about not having my usually collection of decorations, both for Halloween and Christmas, that I'm accustomed to. Normally this wouldn't deter me, but As I'm starting over again with learning this self love, I really feel overwhelmed by the fact that that's just another thing to add to the list.

Anyways, on with the memory purge...

I'm 10 years old, and my Great Grandfather is visiting my Gramma. It's the middle of the day, but he's drunk. He's getting ready to go hunting, and he insists on kissing all of the girls goodbye. When I kiss him he gropes my bum and shoves his tongue in my mouth. I can taste the beer he's been drinking for hours afterwards.

I'm 12, and my friend invites me out to drink. She's a scungy person, in a run down home with no adults present in it...ever. She takes me hitch hiking with her around in Kelowna. One night this guy picks us up, offers to buy us alcohol, and insists on driving us up onto the back forest roads to polish of a bottle of whatever it was he bought for us. Eventually he manages to split us up. I've lost my friend in the woods, and it's starting to get dark. Somehow we find each other, and convince him to take us back close to her home and escape without him being able to find us.

I'm 13, it's summertime. I'm at a random party, which another street girl has led me to. There's drugs everywhere, and somehow, the girl who brought me to the party disappears. I'm left to sleep curled up alone on a chair until the sun rises, and I run out of the house because the few remaining partiers are trying to drag me into their bedroom.

I'm 13, and I've hitchhiked down to Penticton from Kelowna (A 45 minute drive away) for no reason. I wanted a change of scenery. I walk the streets, veg on the beach in the night, and eventually make my way to their Denny's, as it's the closest landmark I can think to walk to that's open so late. I wind up hooking up with a group of people (a girl and two guys). They invite me back to their apartment, and I go along. I don't recall how many days I was there for, but I know I was panhandling for money to buy myself a meal or two while I was there. The girl eventually leaves because she knows the guys are fighting over me. I've not shown any preference for them, as I wasn't interested. One night we partied, and they got into a fight in front of me about who's going to get down my pants first. I leave the next morning and never see them again.

I'm 15 and I'm spending the evenings at a trusted friends house. I can't recall why I'm so upset, but I feel safe going to his house and spending many a night there. I've always slept in the bed with him, and felt safe. Maybe that's why I go so often. One morning I wake up to find him grinning, and not able to keep it to himself. Eventually I ask why he's grinning so much. Just as I'm climbing on the city bus headed for home, he whispers in my ear that I have really perky breasts. I look at him quizzically, and he grins and says he couldn't resist copping a feel in the middle of the night. I never go and visit him again.

I'm 13 and have spent a glorious summer night next to a bonfire at a friends' house with a guy friend she had over. We talked, and he held me while we stared at the stars all night. The next day my friend teases me because he told her we did it. I vehemently deny it, but she says she knows I did it with him because I'm a slut. I felt betrayed because I actually thought he liked me.

I'm 14 and I've spent a few nights having "phone sex"with some random guy my cousin introduced me to (with cousin giggling while she's watching me, and me covering the phone whenever I need to laugh). I somehow manage to get invited to go camping with his friend and him. I go with them for the night, but in the middle of the night I step away from their fire to go pee, and he follows me. He pins me on a hillside and gets my pants down. I'm struggling and asking him to stop. Eventually his friend pulls him off of me and lets me sleep in his truck with the doors locked.

I'm 14 at a party with my friends who live in the complex where my home is located. I've had too much to drink and smoke, and am on the verge of passing out in my friends bed, knowing I'd be safe if I did. A few of my friends climb into bed with me and begin to kiss my neck. I'm disgusted by the fact that my body responds, and one of the boys calls himself my little brother, and quite often looks to me for protection.

I'm 19 and have broken up with my first husband. I've polished off a big bottle of whiskey before I head to the bar and convince someone to buy me more, even though I'm under age. He takes me to his truck, and while we're drinking in the backseat, he excuses himself. He's gone a long time, so I lie down in the backseat and pass out. I wake up to him on top of me, rutting like a bull, and grunting in the most grotesque way. I'm so drunk I just let him finish, rather than try and fight him.

I'm 19 and I'm signing myself up to be a model. When I arrive, I find it's just some sleazeball looking to take pornographic pictures. He pays me $100 to take my picture in lingerie he had stuffed in his closet. I'm so high I don't care, but when I get home and tell the people I live with, they ask me to show them what poses I did. I polish off a box of wine before I comply, and come to to find two men sucking my nipples and masturbating on me before I come back to my senses and break for my bedroom.

I'm 19 and I'm stripping at a bar about 30 minutes away from where I live. I'm showering and getting ready for work when a roommate of mine leads in a group of his guy friends in to watch me shower and shave. I'm high again, the people I've moved in with have me on a steady stream of cocaine that's really strong. I didn't realize the group of guys was there until I'm almost finished. I yell at them to get out and leave me alone, and struggle to remember how long they had been watching me.

I'm 29 now. This shit is supposed to be over and done with. Turns out, it's not.
I'm back to not trusting men.
It takes all I have in me to talk to my clients' significant others, to meet my co-workers gazes, and to chat amicably with my Mr's friends without bolting and making a break for the door or cowering in fear. Thankfully, my children have been there when that happens, and I use them as an excuse. I know that won't last. I'm working my way back...to trying to trust men. To finding that safe ground. I feel violated, demeaned, and like I'm never ever going to find a sanctuary again.
I'm faking everything outside of my own home. I'm making sure my kids don't see my anxiety. I'm medicated. I'm back to square fucking one and frustrated as shit and the injustice of it because it's just not fucking fair that I am who I fucking am.

9 Years Later

I'm celebrating with my Mr today. It's out 9th anniversary today. It's gloriously beautiful outside, clear and bright. The kids spent the night out at another family members' house, so we woke up on our own this morning, and not to the usual questions.
It feels like a special day, now I'm off to see what I can make of it!

Chemical Bliss

It is more apparent to me, that I don't function like other people do.
I've often watched others, and wished that I could interact like they do, or had the unconscious grace in the way they carry themselves...or maybe wished that I don't feel the way I do about myself, or the way I work.

I know my blog is dark lately, it's not as filled with random thoughts filling my head and entriesas it was when I stayed at home.
Everyone has those times...this is mine.

I know I'm still too hard on myself. I know I'm not working on the progress to surpass my upbringing. I've lost sight of the goals and paths for those for the time being.
I can feel myself gazing longingly at people who don't have my background, wondering what it must've been like to know value, self worth, and have people believe in you.
I'm a better parent, but I'm so far gone from where I'd like to be that it's difficult not to give up, give in, and just say fuck it.
Sure...I could be tired, over worked, stressed, in need of a moment.
There are times where I long to scream out everything in my heart, in my mind, and on the tip of my tongue.
There is no one I trust in my realm with all of those...and so I come here to let a little steam out, just so I can keep on going.

I want to drink myself to a stupor, I want to forget who I am. I want to smoke a joint, snort a line, and down a tab.
I don't see that I'm worth any fuss. I don't see beauty. I don't see charisma, or tenacity. I don't see determination. I don't see a reason.
I see that little girl, standing there tattling, and no one wants to hear me.
I feel alone, without direction.
I feel valueless.
I'm just here.
Why am I just here?
I don't want my children viewing me in this state, never have.
How long can this last? It's been months already...literally.
I want to forget.
I want to forget that I'm sleeping in the bed I made.
I want to forget that the only reason why I'm here is because I was too fucking stupid to walk away.
I want to forget unhappiness, and live in bliss.
I don't give a fuck right now if it's chemically made.
Someday.

For the time being, I'll keep my head down, and move on minute by minute, and pray the the next one isn't as bad as this one.

Clearwater Times - Grade 4s learn fire safety

Clearwater Times - Grade 4s learn fire safety
Look, it's my Mr!

On Turning 29

I'm officially 29 years old today.
I'm tired today. Mainly because I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to play Super Mario Galaxy 2 (an early birthday gift from MIL before she left for Ohio).
It was a long day at work today, with a wonderfully pleasant surprise visit from my Grandparents, who decided to pop in and drop off a gift for me and give me a much needed hug.
This past Saturday, we ventured over to a friends' house for dinner, where Mr surprised me with another party in my honor, which included some splendid decorations, a made-from-scratch cake (the awesomest ever!), and the comfort of just being with people whom I knew appreciated me.
It was a lovely weekend, tinted with a twinge of sadness, because I've made yet another mistake.
My driver's license officially expires today. I've not the things I need to renew it quite yet, though I'm about three quarters there. This is due to me ignoring the issue, and from taking the two weeks off in the beginning of September catching up with me.
So, I'm tired today, because I know this is my own doing, and I could quite possibly lose my job because of it. I'm holding my breath, waiting for the worst, but hoping for the best...because hope is honestly all I have left.
So, I'm 29 today. I've gotten birthday wishes from nearly everyone I know, and I'm happy with that. I'm officially on my last year of being a twenty-something person, and this time next year will enter what I hope will be my more idealistic years.
I hope to god that when my 30's do arrive that they are gentler on me than my 20's were.

HNT: Baking

I've been spending a bit of time in the kitchen lately. With a family my size, it's best to start early preparations for those feasts we plan to share.

Thursday Thunks

click here to play

101. When was the last time you went to the doctor? Do you like your doctor?

I saw my about 10 days ago. No, I don't really care for any of the Dr's I've seen in my small town yet. I'm hoping as I get to know some of them that that will change...but I doubt it.

201. My back is itching, will you scratch it for me?

Umm, no. I'll be happy to pass you the back scratcher or point you to the best doorway for the job though!

301. Do you have nice handwriting?

I don't care for it, no.

401. We are sending you to either New Zealand or Canada, which one do you choose?

New Zealand...I'm already in Canada. Unless you want to send me to Whitehorse next summer to attend my Uncle's wedding, then I'm all game!

501. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes

601. Have you ever been streaking? If so, how far did you streak and did anyone see you?

Yes, across a football field at night...in the snow. I dunno if anyone saw me.

701. How soon is too soon for Christmas decorations and music playing in the stores?

The beginning of November. I don't wanna hear that stuff until December.

801. If you celebrated Halloween as a kid what was the costume you wore at 5?

F-if I can remember. Mom...help me out here!

901. How many cavities have you had in your life?

Lots.

1001. Berleen and Bud come to Arizona to visit Kimber. Who do you think will decide it's too hot here first?

Kimber!

1101. Who do you think will ask TT questions next week?

All 3 of you should ask 2 questions each!

Clearwater Times - CRC showcases featured courses at open house

Clearwater Times - CRC showcases featured courses at open house
I got an honorable mention for the bags I created below

Fused Plastic Bags

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but starting late next month, I'll be teaching a sewing class in the itty bitty town that I live in.
I'll be teaching folks (up to 6 in the class total) how to make their own Re-Usable shopping bags out of whatever they choose to bring.
There's an open house tomorrow at the center where I'll be teaching at, and they've asked me to bring some bags that I can leave there as demonstrations to promote my class. I'll be promoting for about an hour tomorrow after I get off of work, and I'm kind of nervous.
I'm confident that I can teach people how to sew (after all I've taught Mr). I'm always nervous when it comes to displaying my work because I'm afraid everyone is as much of a perfectionist as I am...lol
I whipped these up tonight. I've been waiting for ages to try out fusing plastic bags together (remember this post?) to use in a project. This provided exactly what I needed. I snagged some bags from Gramma's immense collection, her parchment paper, and got down to business.
These are the fabulous finished products I've come up with. While I'm still working on what feels most comfortable to fuse the bags together, and which ones I want to use, I really enjoyed this.
The first entire bag is recycled material. Plastic bags, a Pottery Barn ribbon, and an adjustable waist elastic tab from a pair of jeans I bought a year or so ago for H. The only thing that wasn't recycled was the thread.
The second bag is a combination of fused plastic bags, some denim I had laying around, a pink length of upholstery decoration, some costume jewelry and green binding.
I'll be trying different projects out for this technique in the future, these were just to get the ball rolling.
I'm rather pleased with how these projects turned out, and I hope everyone who comes to the Open House tomorrow is as excited about this upcoming project as I am. I hope I get a full class, it would be extremely flattering, I think.
It feels good to be creative.

Thursday Thunks

The TT questions are brought to you by Berleen, the color of my kitchen table and the number 45.

10. What number blog post is this for you?
1,392

9. You are driving down a road and your GPS says turn right, but the road has a Dead End sign. You check your GPS and according to it's map, there is a road at the end of the Dead End road that you need to turn onto. Do you follow the GPS?
Hell no, I turn around and ask for directions...or take my estimated guess at which road will get me closest, then ask for directions.

8. If you had a $2 bill, would you spend it?
Nope, I have a couple tucked away in various piggy banks & old record books & such. Have em, don't ever intend to spend em.

7. When there is nobody else around and you sneeze or cough, do you cover your mouth?
Yes, that's when I usually just sneeze into my shirt or whatever...it's when people are around when I forget to cover it, LOL

6. You are a DJ at a radio station and your first guest is Bud... what is the first question you are going to ask him?
What sort of a playlist would you recommend?

5. Have you ever stopped to help a stranger with a flat tire?
No, I don't know how to change one...but I have had people stop to help me change a flat tire...mainly why I can't change one.

4. You get on an airplane and you find that your seat neighbor is Kimber... what do you talk about or do you ignore her completely?
I ask her how her kids are, what Anthony's up to, and how on earth she manages to find time to blog in all that chaos!

3. Have you ever rode an elephant?
Yes I have. There was a circus in my birthtown one year and they had elephant rides for the kidlets. I just remember it being very slowly bouncy, hairy and smelly.

2. Time to bitch & moan! What is your biggest complaint about your current friends on Facebook?
I don't really have any complaints about my friends of Facebook. Maybe I don't follow them closely enough?

1. School is back in session for all little girls and boys now. What, in your life, changes when kids go back to school?
It gets a whole lot quieter, we have more scheduled playdates, and we actually plan our meals!

Broken

Well, life is back to normal round here, barely.
I've shipped off H again to mom's house in Kelowna...until the end of the month. It's too difficult for me to cope with both boys after coming home. I can't expect my Mr to do everything all the time either, as my mental health has an effect on his mental health. We both really just need a break from constant demands.
D is back in school, enjoys his classmates and teacher, but is angry at us because we won't let him walk or ride his bike to school on his own yet. We saw a bear across the street over the weekend, can ya blame us?!
I'm back at work, after a two week nap. I slept a lot, and made a permanent imprint on the pallet/bed where I sleep.
I've made a Dr's appt for Friday to see if I can score a referral to someone who will do my counseling over the phone so I'm not required to drive 90 minutes one way to the nearest person who will see me on a weekly basis. If that doesn't work out, I can try the Aboriginal approach. If that doesn't work out, I am seriously considering hospitalizing myself.
There've been a number of days where I just have not felt right. Days where I know my mood is weird, even for me. Days where I know the thoughts in my head are not from anyplace near rational. Some of the thoughts in my head are thoughts I've had before, then on those weird days I get some from left field that have never occurred to me before. Those thoughts are dangerous, and it's all I can do to keep them at bay.
Don't even get me started on the dreams I've been having.
I'm wondering if working right now is the best thing for me...seriously. How can I expect to take care of anyone else, if I'm not taking proper care of myself first.
As I sit back and look at things with this skewed perspective, I wonder how on earth I've ever survived the issues I've been through. It's got to be a testament to my ability to keep on.
I'm a survivor.
It's time to stop surviving, and start living. The only way to do that is to stop and fix what's been broken, even if it's by baby steps. One way or the other, it's time to get started on that.

First Days of School

Well, am having issues securing ongoing services for myself. It's a headache that I'm just not dealing well with. I'll get round to it and get it sorted out eventually, right now I just don't have the brain power for it.
I feel like sleeping a lot of the time, and do so with abandon.
I eat when I feel hungry, and drink when I feel thirsty.
Outside of those basic things, I'm finding it pretty difficult to function on any normal level.
You'd never know it to chat with me though. Other than being a bit spacey, I actually appear quite normal.
Darius had his first day of Grade 3 yesterday. They've spent the first two days of school keeping the children in something called "family groups" which doesn't really make any sense to me. Essentially they gave everyone a homeroom and group to spend time with until they know for certain how many students they have enrolled & how big they can expect class sizes to be. Tomorrow, D will find out where his permanent classroom and locker is.
We're working on the finer points of walking to school on his own. I'm so anxious over this matter, but I'm sure he'll do me proud. We live two houses down from the school, so I do have the ability to watch him from the edge of our yard from behind the fence if I want. haha.
Tonight is the first meeting for the Clearwater Playschool. Mr is the President, and I'm the Secretary. I'm not certain, now that this whole schamozzle has turned up, if we will continue these positions though. Sad. I don't like backing out of things I've willingly volunteered for...but if it's a choice between my sanity and devoting more than I have, I'll be forced to choose my sanity.
One day at a time, one journal entry at a time, and one mood at a time. I will work my way through them, if I just slow myself down.

Resting and Recuperating

It's been an adventure. I'm so ready for this to just stop.
I'm at the verge of a breakdown, or according to my research in the middle of one(depending on which site you visit).
Here I am, attempting to arrange treatment for myself.
I'm a mess.
Two weeks worth of anti-depressants is not long enough for them to kick in.
I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved over my life, and make it all magically pretty and happy.
The sad reality is, it's the farthest thing from it.
I'm much harder on myself than I ought to be, and it's starting to show.
I need support. I need love. I need someone to take care of me.
I feel like a child. I feel incapable. I feel completely unhinged.
I really want to curl up and tuck myself away from the world.
I've taken a leave from work. Just shy of 6 months at this agency, and I've taken a leave.
While I did have to leave our town in a hurry, I'm happy that both of my supervisors are supportive of me in this avenue. I'm glad they both understand. It makes it easier.
Here's hoping I can find someone to treat me, and the ability to ensure this treatment can continue once I got home.
I'm hoping I can make it through this.

Oh so tired.
It's been a fantastic visit. Full of fun times, and lots of card playing. Late nights, too much caffeine and potato chips. Heaven.
Fresh, clean air, and no bugs.
I love cable tv, and high speed internet, and cheap groceries. I love Timmies, and Little Ceasars, and Timmies...
I'm ready to go home I suppose.

The kids and I have taken sanctuary in Kelowna. We awoke this morning to find it incredibly smokey, ans smelling distinctly like a campfire. We sleep with the windows open in the evenings to cool the house down for the next day. I woke up a few times in the middle of the night, thinking, gee, I thought campfires were banned. I realized in the wee hours of the morning that it was actually smoke from a fire quite a distance to the west of us.
When the morning light came round, the sun was blood red, and the smoke was touching the ground, leaving visibility at about 50 feet. The kids woke up coughing and with sore throats. I went to work, did my morning home visit, filled out my paperwork, and took off. Made some last minute arrangements, packed a bag or two, and hit the road. Mr drove us to Kamloops, where my mom picked us up and brought us back to her house.
This is the worst I've ever seen the smoke. It wasn't even this bad last summer or in 2003.
I was in heaven when I discovered the valley here was nearly entirely smoke free, with blue skies and bright sunshine.
I'm relaxed now. I hadn't realized just how tense I was while in the smoke, until I got out of it.
My only hindrance...I had to leave Mr at home by himself. Unsupported by those who love him.
I guess life will always have ups and downs, and what happens will happen. All I can do is keep trying.

Hanging By A Thread

We are clinging to a small grasp of reality. String are all that hold our entire family up, and there's so much tension on them, I'm surprised they have not burst sooner.
While the children were away, we identified causes of tension that existed, which we had previously ignored.

Trying to deal with those issues with the children here really just feels impossible.

The amount of items that need to be dealt with are really just tallying themselves up. Where does one go when they stack so high you can't escape their shadows? It's not like I can just pick one and go from there, when they all have deadlines.

I'm not the only one in this boat either. It seems like my entire family, distant and close, are all suffering from this enormous reality clash that has the potential to swallow us all whole, until it seems we never existed at all.

It's all too much. I'm strong, but no one was ever made to face such things. How can I be expected to hold it together when I've fallen apart? I feel useless, aged, and exhausted. I feel incapable, and unable to face the reality that stares me in the face in the mirror each morning I wake.

I can see, that if things don't work the way they need to in the next 30 days, the potential to lose all that I've worked for in the last 6 months (or 9 years) will completely crumble.

Since March:

I have had 7 clients enter (or re-enter) my program

2 of my clients found employment

3 of my clients quit smoking

1 learned the basics of nutrition, and grew by leaps and bounds

2 have begun drinking their recommended daily intake of water

2 completely cut out caffeine from their diet

1 learned how to ask for help

3 have gone on their chosen form of Birth Control

2 have made plans for a permanent form of Birth Control

1 resolved her financial issues, thus reducing the stress on her baby

2 are keeping regular prenatal visits without reminders

ALL OF THIS CHILDREN IN MY PROGRAM ARE UP TO DATE ON THEIR IMMUNIZATIONS

While I am only one half of the entire program, there is still a lot to be said of our accomplishments. When you stand back and take a look at the bigger picture. Surely it isn't all credited to me, but the program in general.

A lot of my stress of late is job-related. As my coping mechanisms haven't been up to par to meet this stress, it was really affecting my family life.

My first step, was to take a look at the accomplishments that my clients had made, and congratulating myself on being a part of that change.

I've posted this list next to my monitor on the wall in my office, and am now reading it daily, just to give me that boost. There are a number of things that I'm doing that I know regular Home Visitor's don't do, but I've never really been one to fit the mold. I'm taking steps to form this program to me, to how I best serve my clients. I'm doing whatever I can to ensure my clients are educated, and that I am identifying any issues that need to be addressed.

I've been here for nearly 6 months now, and I love my job.

What do I love most about my job?

I'm making a difference in a child's life.

Hiking & Time

What a weekend!
Since the kids left, I was picturing my time away from them being filled with loads of restful sleep. Though it's true that I've been to bed earlier than usual each night, the fact remains that our days are just as crammed as when they're here.
Time filled with hiking, driving, and exploring the local area.
This weekend we headed about an hour (or two) north-east to Blue River, and their hills. They're farther up the valley towards Jasper, and consequently, their hills are steeper than ours are. We found one we thought looked promising to get to the top of, and headed off the beaten path. While the drive was pleasant, we did not make it to the top, as the road petered out closer to the top, and became impassable. We headed back to our valley and visited some friends who are as enthusiastic about horror films as I am.
Hiked to Moul Falls yesterday, and got soaked from the spray when I walked behind the falls to check it out. This hike went well, as there were a number of other hikers on the trail so we counted on the high population to drive the bears away.
Spent lastnight at my Gramma's, and woke up all full of motivation, so I cleaned a bit before we left.
It's been a very enlightening time alone with Mr. It's funny how much we depend on our children to shield us from the problems that are there, as they "always" come first. A very important lesson has come to light in our time alone, and that is to always show that we appreciate one another. Sometimes all we need it time...sometimes all we need is time alone.

Spent...but still in need

It's been a long week.
I'm drained, spent, and have wasted away to a bare shell of a human.
Issues have arisen, again and again over the past few months, coming to a head on Wednesday, when I had an anxiety attack.
I had an anxiety attack in front of a client. I looked it up after I dropped off my client and raced back to my office. Place a check mark next to all of those symptoms.
A simple miscommunication was the cause, but it revealed to me something that I had kept shoving to the side, in light of more pressing attention grabbers.
I'm a tolerant, patient person. I've obviously reached my limit with this issue. I can't even think of the name of this cause without feeling anxious, a nervous pit in my stomach, sweaty palms, and a need for oxygen that can't be met.
I'm desperate. I'm fragile. I am in need.
So, I went and got myself a prescription for Effexor. That'll do the trick...numb my mind, so that what I'm thinking won't be so bad.
I'm irrational. I'm erratic. I'm lost.
I need a hug.

Raft Peak Adventure

It's been an interesting few days. We're surviving without kids, shockingly. I've always relied on my children for support, and affection. Their ignorance to all those huge stressors really helped me through. Their little hugs when I said I needed one really helped.
Thankfully, Mr is with me.
We had a busy weekend, visiting with friends, trying to keep ourselves occupied from the emptiness that is our house.
Yesterday we undertook a pretty intense hike to the top of Raft Peak. Well, we didn't really make it to the very top, sadly, an impending storm cut our hike short...that and my impending heart attack from too much oxygen. I think if we had actually made it straight to the top, we would've had a difficult time making it back down without me collapsing. I'm a lot more out of shape than I thought. Really, it wasn't all the panting as Mr was taking me straight up the face on loose shale. It was more the bugs. the bugs were terrible, and no amount of swatting kept them away. I swear that at one point one crawled into my ear and decided to camp out there, but no adverse side effects have shown themselves yet. It could have been the mouse sized spiders I saw scuttling between the rocks to avoid the stomp of my little sneakered foot. It could have been the pungent odor of bear.
When we finally did make it back down, the clouds opened up and let loose a humungo torrent of rain. We honestly couldn't tell just how close it was because the valley is so filled with smoke from the surrounding forest fires that we couldn't tell the difference between rain clouds and smoke.
It was an enjoyable experience though, and the sleep I got afterwards was next to heaven. A straight 10 hours of sleep, and I don't feel too bad today. I thought for sure that my knees were going to be screaming at me, but I'm not stiff, nor am I sore. Good business. Maybe it was that extra large plate of linguini with alfredo sauce that did the trick. Who knows.

The Slivers

The Mom's arrived this weekend. Spent two days and are now prepping to whisk the kids away for the allotted time. It's been a rather enjoyable weekend. Puttering here, visiting there, and exploring places we haven't explored together.
As we were awaiting their arrival, Mr & I exchanged a few words while we tidied up a bit, and decided it was too damned hot in the house. A friend had discussed floating down one of the local rivers in the area, and we took him up on the offer. It was wonderfully relaxing, soothing, and the perfect temperature of water. The main bulk of this little river was really only about knee deep, and that was great, considering I let D float along behind me. H opted out of this one, and chose to walk along the shore with dad. This was a feat in itself.
Wednesday night we had visited this same friend. The kids were outside, racing around his porch (which wraps around his entire house) on various wheeled toys. I was chasing after H to put his shoes on, as the last time they did this he wound up with slivers in his toes that I had to remove, and he didn't enjoy it. Before I could make him keep his shoes on, he stopped, and told me he had a sliver, while hobbling over to have me get them out.
I removed between 18-23 that night when we got home, and the rest were too deep for me to get. I couldn't even tell which direction they were poking into his skin at. H was refusing to walk by this point. He crawled or tiptoed, or straight out refused to walk and insist you carry him.
I resolved to take him to the Dr the next morning, figuring they'd be able to give him a local or something so they could remove them. Dr appt. was made, and I picked up the boys to drop me off w/H at the Dr's while they carried on and set up at the beach. 30 minutes later, and the Dr we saw recommended we head south to Kamloops (90 minutes) to see a Pediatric Specialist, who is capable of sedating him to remove them all safely, in one piece, and all at once. OK. Panic button had been pushed, and I rushed around to cancel my afternoon plans. I packed what I needed, informed whom I needed to inform, and hit the road, picking up my Grandpa on the way for support. We got into Kamloops and made a quick stop at the bank (for my parking meter fare) and we headed straight for the ER at Royal Inland Hospital. We waited for Triage for a good 20 minutes, before they passed us through. They had been expecting us, and when the Triage nurse looked at H's feet, he winced and said he understood why.
We waited for a good 2 hours before they did the procedure, as they made sure any food he had eaten for lunch (no one told me not to feed him, and in panic I didn't even remember this simple rule) and got him settled down. The IV they gave him was hard on him, and he really wasn't pleased, but by the time he was calmed down from this he was almost falling asleep he was already so tired from the pain and emotions of the day. They began sedating him and attempted to start digging right away, but he really fought the drugs they gave him, and they wound up giving a very large dose. They took about 25 minutes to get about 23 large embedded slivers out of the bottom of his feet. He slept for 2 and 1/2 hours after the procedure was finished. I struggled with him to get him to come around because the dose was so large, he was very groggy and hardly knew what was going on. I held him for the entire procedure, and that is my saving grace.
There is hardly anything to compare (in my meager experience) how horrible it is to watch your child being sedated and put under.
I count my blessings that my Grandpa was there with me. I had refused to eat or drink, for fear that I would need to step away from the bed and leave H there alone. I realized that I was kind of hungry and asked him to go get me some coffee and a small bite to eat. Hospital time is so odd. It felt like forever, but also like a blink of an eye, and Grandpa was back with a big steaming cup of coffee and two super yummy breakfast sandwiches. He waited with me, and then he watched over H so I could go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
I was gone a total of 10 hours, I left town at 12:30 and didn't return until 10:30 at night. I was bone exhausted, and all I wanted was sleep, but once we curled up together I had a difficult time drifting off. He, on the other hand, slept like a rock straight through.
He limped a bit the next morning, and recounted vividly his harrowing tale to anyone who phoned to check up on him, and asked for special allowances all day, before we hit the river, and then, magically...everything was better.
I love that kids carry on after events such as these, it truly is an amazing thing to watch.
Oh, and I never took any pictures of the slivers, I really just didn't think they'd do it any justice, so I didn't even bother to try.

Our New Place

This is my home. I've not taken better pictures of it than this, because I can't quite feel comfortable in it yet. I don't know why, but it just does not feel like home yet. I haven't quite been able to place my finger on why, but I'm sure it'll come to me sometime.
We now live in a one story ranch 3 bedroom home, where my rent is super cheap and all my utilities are included, plus my washer & dryer were supplied.
We even have a completely fenced in yard that surrounds 3 sides of my home. Heck, I can even have a cat, dog or any other furry creature I can think of if I want. My child can walk to school on his own in the fall. I can (and have) walk to work when I work at the Daycare now.
We've got friends beating down our door for playdates, and we're beating their doors down in return for BBQ's and new children to meet & entertain. I have everything in a home for my children that I've been yearning for since we've moved here.


I've enjoyed living here so far, but I still feel a bit depressed at the thought of leaving our beautiful little cabin in the woods.
We don't feel quite like a family since we've moved. Too many conveniences at our fingertips. A school playground close by, a tv in every room, *working* internet. We've lost touch of what it means to be a family. We no longer play spontaneous games that make us all giggle. I no longer feel energetic enough to find something to do, or a game to play.
Work is bringing me down, gotta scoop up some new coping mechanisms, be happy with the baby steps, and remember that I can only do so much. I've really got to stop being so hard on myself.
The kids leave this weekend with MIL for a 2 week vacation at her home in Washington. Two weeks without children, and I'm pretty sure both Mr & I will be lot for at least 13 of those 14 days. Should be fun to see what comes about from it. I'll try and remember to take pictures.
I cannot believe it's the end of July already. One more month and school's back in...god, now I get to figure out where I'm going to go and buy all of D's new school clothes from (I mean, in a small town you've got a pretty limited choice, right?)
Lots of reasons bringing this all about. I'll be making a Doctors visit to see if we can't get all the help we can get to solve this issue.

It's A Weekend!

Lots going on here, the weeks are just whizzing by. both kids have now had their turns visiting relatives by themselves, and we've had a slow going of time at home. Home is comfortable, but I'm reminded daily of what a fish-bowl place I picked for us to live. Traffic drives by minute by minute, and I get the feeling that people are watching me. I live right across the street from someone I work with at the daycare, and the daycare manager moved into a house about a block away. Always interesting to consider that we are always being watched, even if we aren't.
The boys have been busy, playing with friends, joining C on his "Just Dads" pilot program, and in general enjoying their time off from schedules & over-structure.
C took D hiking with a friend of his, and this is a picture of it. They visited Silvertip Falls in Wells Grey Park. They had a lot of fun, and D so badly wanted to adopt a toad he found on the path while they were hiking. Alas, poor Toad had to stay behind.
We've been in a constant battle here. D is pushing, very hard, for a new pet. He's desperate for something he can cuddle. He doesn't want to get a pet that he has to share with everyone in the family, but one for himself alone. It's difficult to explain to an 8 year old, the need to wait until Immigration gives us confirmation that Mr can stay in the country. I was heartbroken when my last dog was given away, and I don't want him to get attached and then be forced to give up something he loves.
The kids have settled into the new house comfortably. They enjoy all their toys, the ability to play outside without fear of some wild animal attacking, and the ability to have friends over, should they choose it.
I'm feeling rather disheartened about my job these days. While I know there's only so much I can do, I am wondering if I shouldn't be more inclined to find some different coping strategies.
I haven't taken any pictures of the new house yet. Strange, but I've almost lost any passion I once had for taking pictures. I find I hardly even glance at my camera now. Amazing, even I find that one hard to ponder.
I'm happy to have internet at home, I almost feel lost when I go back to read all my favorite blogs, because I've been absent from the majority of them since March. That's a lot of catching up, I think. Oh well, the show goes on.

Brain Vacation

I've been spending my time trying to say "oooohhhhm" and keep myself calm and cool.

I am just chiding myself for even asking for training here. I've almost worked myself into thinking that there will be a be-all, end-all salvation once I get that training. I know in reality that it will not work that way, but I am floundering so much I'm actually concerned that I am not serving my clients to my full potential.

That being said, I'm really trying to relax at home, and just let my brain go. Consequently I'm not able to go beyond the range of normal functioning. Nothing of the fancy stuff I used to do is getting done. I'm busy reading small, short books (for me), and vegging out while watching a DVD, or watching the kids play in the backyard.

It's been a long time since I've felt like this. I'm almost enjoying this feeling of prolonged uselessness. Almost. It's getting to be a kind of hindrance when it comes to planning, keeping track of things, and fixing things up at home. Meals are currently posing a great challenge, as I'm having difficulty getting them started at a decent time. Bedtimes are all out of whack, as I'm usually in charge of getting the boys ready for bed in the evenings.

About the only thing I'm staying on top of is my laundry :o)

I guess that's better than nothing.

D visited Alberta w/my Mummie in the first week of July, and H is currently visiting with a relative in Kamloops. Hafta go pick him up this afternoon. The last day of the month MIL will be picking both boys up to take to her house for two weeks. Should be interesting to see what we get up to all alone. Being down to one child is bad enough. It's just far too quiet with just one.

Lastnight we enjoyed a movie in the park, thanks to Fresh Air Cinemas. They showed "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs". It was a lot of fun, despite the fact that it got quite chilly, and it tried to rain us out. I brought plenty of blankets & extra clothing though, so it didn't bother D & I too much.

Mr had his first "Just Dads" program kick-off yesterday, to one dad & his kids. Friends of Mr's, but still...they count. He's hoping to have a better turn out tomorrow evening. Mr is piloting the very first Just Dads parenting support group for our area (to help fathers get involved), and I'm crossing my fingers that it turns out to be a success, as the area here is flooded with Stay At Home Dads who used to work in the local mills, which are all shut down right now. Currently myself and a couple of co-workers are telling all of the men we know, and passing the flyers on to those we serve. I hope, I hope, I hope.

We're nearly all settled into the new house by. Haven't gotten as many "family" pictures up as I'd like, but Mr seems to think they're better placed in bedrooms only, as opposed to out in the open. My brain is so slow that I can't come up with a retort.

I'm slowly working my way through a bunch of resources at work. Eventually I'll be able to pick out what I need and what I don't need.

I'm still floored, when I think about, that I am a Pregnancy Outreach Program worker.

there are all kinds of berries ripening in the valley now. I picked some Saskatoon Berries the other day, and fully intend to collect a bucketful or so of other wild berries that are out there to be had, when I get the opportunity. Hopefully I'll find the energy, time, and frame of mind to go and do it soon, as everything will be over ripening very soon.

I miss my home computer, and I've managed to lose my Flash Drive that I used to transport all of my pictures on to upload while I was at work. *sighs* I'll eventually get back to HNT...honest.

Catching Up

My internet at home is having difficulties getting off the ground. We've had the local serviceman out to our home twice. Annoying. It may be something malfunctioning with my computer, as opposed to their equipment. Great, another comp expense I don't care to fork out for.

*sigh*

Anyhow. Suffered a meltdown at work this week, or rather, because of work. Had a particularly rough day at work, and hadn't realized it until I started pouring it all out to my MIL over the phone. I find it truly amazing just how much I blind myself sometimes. I just hadn't wanted to acknowledge that the situation I witnessed that day had really bothered me.

I'm continuing to push to be trained at work, as this current situation has really opened my eyes to how important it is for me to address concerns in the homes I am visiting on a regular basis. Not only am I there to address concerns, but I'm there to identify them as well. I've not yet acquired the knack of addressing them calmly without being able to bite back the god-awful judgments that I want to call down on them for.

A series of meetings all this week have helped me to address the issues, and form a plan of action that I am comfortable with implementing without assistance.

It is continually shocking to me that I still love my job, the people I work with, and the people I visit.
I am here to help them, and if I'm not doing it, I feel so disappointed, and nearly responsible.

I've always been too hard on myself when it comes to my own expectations.

That being said, at least it's come to light that I really do need to lighten up a bit. :o)

My mom is coming out for the weekend to be a vendor at the local Farmer's Market. My Gramma & Grandpa & their dog will be coming as well. So much for not entertaining through July. I'm happy with it though.

I was extremely depressed over how my home looked for the first two weeks we were in our new house, for whatever reason (you can add them all up and understand, but I'm not going to list them) and it has finally passed. My home is starting to look more like a home and less like a motel.

Mr's friend dropped off a kitchen table and four chairs for us, and I nearly kissed him for being such a dear, but I restrained myself.

I got the toys sorted out between the boys' rooms lastnight, and cleaned the bathrooms. The dishes are a constant eyesore, but oh well, just need to keep on top of them.

I've spent this week telling my kids how much I appreciate them for being them. I've been giving them extra hugs, feeding them extra food and tweaking their adorable chubby cheeks.

The family I visited this week had none of those things. The hardest part of that was knowing I'm the first stop before The Ministry (Or Child Protective Services) is called in to remove the children. I'm terrified when I consider that. I'm untrained. I possess a lot of common sense, yes, but that isn't enough to be considered professional enough to prevent child removal...is it?

Am spending today in the office sorting through different resources that have been passed my way, attempting to figure out what I can use and what I can't.

I'm feeling a bit more settled, a bit more comfortable...and, despite all of my belly-aching, I'm happier than I've been for a long time. Things are going smoothly, and despite my hindrances with my job, I know I'm secure in it, and the fact that my entire family is happy at the same time is speaking volumes to me.

I'm counting my blessings and holding them dear. Life is good.

I'm finding it so difficult to manage myself of late.
Last month the Dr put me on Birth Control, the strong kind. I'm sensitive to pills, often able to identify what they are doing when. I don't take Birth Control, and haven't since I was a teen. There's a reason for that.
I warned Mr when I started taking them, desperation to get my lady issues under control outweighed the side effects. Psh, suuuuuuuure they did Amber.
I must be a right terror to live with right now. I'm sure I've sprouted horns & a forked tail. I'm also certain these things are posing a risk to my health, given the thoughts in my head.
I hope the next 2 months left in my prescrip are going to be worth the torture I'm putting everyone through
On another note...I dunno if it's the pills, the fact that D was away for a week, or something I can't say out loud, but I can feel a severe bout of depression battling within me. Let's hope I can pull myself out and find my motivation again, because I sure miss it.

Only Me

What a day!
I was bogged down by a severe bout of lazy.
When we finally got up and about, we took the kids to the McDonalds Playplace, and then to the grocery store. In between Ihad popped into the bank to withdrawl cash.
Our first night in the new house, I was swindled. By a most extreme tyrant.
I made a deal with D, that if he went around the yard and gathered all of the rocks that could possibly damage a lawn mower and place them in an inconspicuous place out of the way, that i would pay him $1 per bucket. About an hour and a half later he comes into the house and proclaims triumphantly that i owe him a grand total of $31. I didn't believe him, so I asked him to show me the pile of rocks he had collected, and sure enough, it was a significantly large pile.
Anyhow, I hit the bank machine to withdraw the money I needed to pay him, and give Mr some extra to take him accross town to the local arcade/mini golf place.
After all was said and done, we decided to go out again, to the fair...requiring another stop at the bank machine for me. Ugh, I despise places that deal in cash only. I popped in, put my bank card in, made my transaction, and when the screen said "Please remove your card" the machine only went click, click, click, click, click (by now I'm leaning closer to look into the slot) click, click..."TRANSACTION INCOMPLETE, MACHINE IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE CONTACT A BANK REPRESENTATIVE"
I let loose a very impressive string of expletives that would've curdled the ears of the faint of heart. Thankfully I was in the bank lobby alone.
I placed a call to the bank's 1-800 #, and the lady on the other end apologized for the inconvenience, and gave me the peace of mind of a cancelled card. She told me to go into the branch tomorrow to order a temporary replacement card until a regular one could be mailed to me...again. This'll be the second replacement card I've ordered since I opened the stupid account in March.
I've seriously never heard of anyone having their bank card being swallowed by a fricken machine...ever. Figures that it would happen to me on a Stat holiday in which the bank was not open.
Anyhow, managed to email money over to another account, withdraw, and head to the fair. I paid $30 for a wristband for D, highway robbery for only a grand total of 8 fair rides to choose from. He happened to find an old friend from school there, and they were gone. Enjoying the rides together. They managed to figure out the Tilt-O-Whirls by their 4th ride, and by their last d was getting kind of queasy. He had a fantastic time though, and I think it was a well spent $30.
Am currently awaiting this evening's Fireworks, which we'll drag D to...H will remain at home asleep in his bed.
This weekend is already turning out to be full of surprises and fun. I'm so happy to be in Kelowna for a much needed reprieve.
I'll get around to taking pictures, right now I'm just enjoying the fact that I can be on the phone while I'm on the internet at the same time.
Plus, it's Super Hero weekend on the Space channel!
Hooray for city life! Hooray for family!

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!

1st Night In

I'm excited (read absolutely exhausted) to be spending our first night in the new house. We spent this weekend getting the big furniture out & into new place. I spent the day at the new house w/H, and I just don't feel like I got anything accomplished. I despise moving, because I dislike change. But here we are, and if we get everything cleaned up & out by 2mrw eve, we get our damage deposit back cash in hand.
Tomorrow is a daycare day. Remind me to blog about Friday's daycare day...pure insanity to which no amount of caffeine could save me from.
We got mostly everything over...cept the pots&pans&silverware. LOL. Good thing we live close to amenities that just happen to have microwavable meals & plastic forks or spoons...I'm just wondering why they don't have sporks!
Maybe it's the stress of change wearing on me, cause I didn't actually do any of the heavy moving, but I sure feel like I did!

Moving again...

I'm tired. Two days worth of moving, and I'm not even doing all of the heavy lifting! I'm bagged. Hopefully tonight will yeild some sleep that's a lot more restful. At least we have one more week to get everything out, so it's not just left-til-the-last-minute-hectic.

Moving into town will change a lot of things for us, I expect. Not only will it allow for us to travel monthly into the bigger towns, but it will allow for more social interaction, and resting.

It's very exciting.

This afternoon I have to go do some volunteer duties. I'm bagged. Eventually I'll be able to look back on this and say...well, I made it. Thank god for coffee.

Distractions & Passive Agressives

I dislike being wrong. I also dislike the nature of being a passive agressive person. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of gumption to swallow what's there and keep moving on. Much as we'd like it, life goes on.

I visited the local (6 bed) hospital yesterday, and was forced to call off work. I don't like being down for the count, but it was what it was. There were some persnickety comments made when I called off, and it may be that I will need to have a sit down with my director to discuss this. When I visit the hospital, it's for a damned good reason.
I don't take my own advice. I ought to make my own health more of a priority...I mean, I should be making more use of Universal Health Care, but I'm not. Trouble is, I keep finding reasons to keep me "too busy" to visit any of the providers in our area.
Maybe once we move into town I'l rectify that. I feel so lost of late, you may need to remind me.
The trouble with surviving is that you never think of the future.

Imagination, and Human

The good news is in, and the adorable house we've been eyeballing in town is ours for the next year (the lease says so!). While it's wonderful to set that set of worries to the side, I'm a bit concerned over how smoothly the moving itself will go.

This community just keeps popping up with surprises. We had a new family over to our home this past Sunday, and we all got along terrifically...even our kids. Unusual for us. Anyhow, they offered to let us borrow their Utility trailer for as long as we needed to to get our stuff out of this place and into the new one. Our other friends offer to help move all the furniture for only the cost of a BBQ and possibly a few beers each. Every other time we've asked our friends for help, it was like pulling teeth...and here are these people who doled it out before we could even ask. What a wonderful turn around!

Anyhow, we'll be able to start moving in stuff by the 20th of this month, and will be able to move in on the 28th. It'll give us one week to transfer whatever we can that isn't pack-in-a-suitcase-essential into boxes and bring it into town with us each trip we make. Should be fun, and hopefully relatively smooth on us. I think this will mark a time where both of us can actually do the moving equally for once.

Am finally attempting to get a hold of relatives who had offered to take either one of our boys, or possibly both for any duration at all over the summer, and am currently building myself a schedule of who to slot in where. Hopefully I'll be able to get a hole of those I missed, tonight. We shall see.

I'm feeling both up and down about work, and have "of course" realized that I'm only human (****GASP****) and really do just need to take it all in stride. I secretly think I'm making too much of it, and I just need to lighten up. That's always been easier said than done for myself.

Big changes happening in the family, a death, and a few startling ones that I couldn't see coming. Will make for a very interesting family dynamic come the holiday season, keep an eye out for those laughable moments.

Current laughable moment:
D & I were in the grocery store shopping in the meat section for dinner. The guys dig seafood, I can't even stand the smell. I'm looking at the selection available, and D is checking out the seafood. He comes running over to me: "Mommy, they have imagination Crab Meat!"

It took me a moment to figure out what he was referring to, before bursting out into a fit of giggles. I corrected him, then said yes, it actually could be considered "Imagination Crab Meat".

Ah-Ha, Moving, and Rain

I've had an "ah ha" moment at work in the past week. I'm hoping it makes things flow smoother, and that the feeling of floundering that I've been complaining about goes away before I get my training.

Lots of changes on the way. New home to move into. We had a fruitless search up until now, and have managed to find a place about 2 houses down from the school. We will once again be living very close to D's school, and this time he's old enough to walk to school on his own...we just won't let him know we'll be watching him from the edge of our yard from behind the fence. Course, we haven't officially signed the rental agreement, but it's just a matter of getting it printed off and have the landlord's schedules co-ordinated enough to have both of their signatures on it. It's a very unique house, as there are many additions on to the original structure. You know additions, they tend to just spread out around the original structure. The good thing is, that it's close enough for me to walk to work on days where I'm on at the daycare.

Now, all that being said...y'all know I hate change, and I dislike almost as much moving. The end of the month is looming, literally just over my head, and it feels very stifling. I'm only surviving with the knowledge that we will be comfortable afterwards, and that we won't have to do such a shuffle of everything after we get into the place...though we will require more furniture as the kids will have their own rooms, rather than sharing one.

I'm spending my morning in office today, as it's been a rather hectic week.

I've been suffering moments of self doubt...how can these people look to me for advice and rely on me to refer them to the appropriate agencies? I'm so new to the community, it's amazing that I'm even familiar with what's available. I truly am starting to understand just what a pedestal I am placed on from my clients' perspectives, and it's very intimidating. I still conduct myself respectfully. I still laugh, and chat, and get to know my clients. But I try to hold myself at arms length. For a person as open as I am, I am finding that portion of my duties very difficult.

I am quite comfortable with the knowledge that my hours will be shortened come July. I will be losing a day at the Daycare, which will again leave me with a three day weekend. I'll admit that I am quite happy about that, as I truly feel like I am going too gung ho right now.

At this moment, we are involved in: Clearwater Playschool (President & Secretary) Association, Mighty Mites Softball League, Aboriginal Sharing Centre (I"m running their Craft Tent for National Aboriginal Day, which they are celebrating on the 19th instead of the 21st), Success by 6 Board, and the newly voted in Boyz will be Boyz male role modeling program (that C will be responsible for), the Daycare here, as we;; as YCS where I work. Eventually we will be involved in Boy Scouts for D, and most likely a couple of other sporting groups, as I am anticipating a number of involvement groups as the seasons change.

Combine all that with moving, and anyone can see that I've got a full plate.

Am really trying to make regular visits down to my Gramma's to help keep up the gardening & weeding, as well will be sharing whatever she harvests this year because we weren't able to grow one of our own.

I really need to buckle down and make some phone calls to people who said they wouldn't mind taking our children/child for a bit of time over the summer. I'm really aiming to have a bit of an easier time of childcare with my kids over the summer by asking various relatives to take D for a week/end so that I don't need to be concerned over what everyone is up to and whether or not they're being nice/safe. I'm really glad I have so many relatives who enjoy spending time with D, otherwise I'd probably have some major issues.

I wish I had pictures to accompany this post, but I actually haven't taken any recently, which is a bit of a bummer. Head on over to my flickr page if you'd like to view the latest in my collections.

Most of the newer photos I've taken are of the vibrant colors of the area. It's been like a rain-forest here...almost literally raining everyday for the past month. With all of that rain, the colors really do come alive, and everything is vibrant with life. Of course, this means the mosquitoes in the area seem determined to join together and drain every warm blooded creature in the area until they are the dominating species in the area. My kids have already gotten more mosquito bites this year than that have in all of their years combined! Each and every day I'm administering anti-itch cream, applying a cold cloth, and pouring liquid Benedryl down their little throats. The amount of itching going on in our house is surreal, really. H woke up last night complaining about his foot being itchy and hurting. I turned on the light to discover a grotesque red swollen bump on the inside of his foot where a mosquito must've tried it's hardest to drink the life out of him. No matter how hard we try we just can't seem to keep them out of the house, and I just can't seem to find where they are coming in at or hiding, even though we've all become quick reflexive mosquito squishers. Despite the fact that I have a number of citronella candles, and a whole collection of mosquito sprays, it's impractical to consider these when inside, and that seems to be where we all get attacked. I've woken up many nights because there's one flying round our room in the dark, and manage to squish it once I turn on my light to find it, but who wants to wake up in the middle of the night for one bug...right?

Am rather sick of the rain...of the mosquitoes, and of preparing myself to move. Moving stresses me out. Pray that my nerves settle enough to keep my head on at work.

Happy Birthday Mr!

Tomorrow is Mr's Birthday.
Happy Birthday Mr!
He's turning a big 30!
As he has been saying, he will no longer be a "twenty-something".
Slated for our agenda?
Tonight we're headed to Gramma's for Ice Cream cake and a small BBQ. Tomorrow, a family hike up Trophy Mountain. Dunno how far we'll make it since we've still got snow at a slightly higher elevation, but we're going to give it a shot.
Am all alone at home today with H, as Mr & D headed south for D's first Softball Tournament ever. Apparently he's playing very well, and is enjoying spending some time with his friends. When they finish up they'll come and pick us up for our festivities. Should be fun...

Indulgence

I'm indulging in self pity tonight.
I've been struggling ever since I began my job. Struggling with coping strategies, people's perceptions of me, and how best to approach my clients.
I've never done this job before, I've never had any training, and it's been years since I've worked in a professional environment.
I am only human.
I made a comment to my supervisor earlier this week, about a co-worker of mine. It was made with the intention of not being able to put my finger on something, and worry that I may be missing a link that could be crucial to building a fairly strong bond. My intentions were not clear, because I didn't elaborate on it.
My supervisor reprimanded me today for making the comment, by telling me how unprofessional it was to make such a comment in such a backhanded manner. She also told me whether or not I liked someone I worked with was irrelevant to any professional situation, as long as I could work nicely with them. She also warned me that this was such a small community that I could never be sure who I was talking to, and that for all I knew I could be talking to someone's relative, and that it could potentially get back to the person of whom I'm speaking without ever intending it to. Then she stressed how extremely loyal she was to the staff at my office, and proceeded to express how much we needed to provide a unified front. In all, the reprimand was very strongly worded, with a definite passion to ring the words in.
After a number of thoughtful hours pondering all of this, I've decided to apologize directly to said person, and explain myself in a more direct manner.
The main purpose of said comment, was that I really enjoy the women, but she never really has anything to say about herself, and holds herself in a stand-offish sort of way that confuses me. I guess it may be that I operate differently than she does, and I'd like more than anything to get to know her more, as I do work with her on a regular basis. Maybe it was this hope that I had approached the manner in the wrong way.
Upon reflection I also realized I may have had a bad week for off-hand comments, as I know on at least two occasions that I came off sounding like an ass without meaning to. In both situations it was a mere desire to incur conversation, but it came out in such a manner that I know I raised some hackles while I was at it, just thinking about the reactions to the words I spoke brought.
I'm indulging in self pity, because I know I made a mistake.
I could get all defensive, but I'm not. I know the right thing to do in this situation, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hate making mistakes, especially when someone points them out to me.

We had a good visit this weekend w/MIL. We drove into the Farmer's Market, and then on Sunday we went sight seeing, which actually turned itself into a 3 hour hike well into Bear Country. We wound up exploring an area of the park that we drive by each and everyday on our way into town, called Moul Falls. Beautiful. We discovered some stairs that led to the bottom and went and got ourselves drenched in the spray. Was loads of fun, and I was rather impressed that H hiked the whole entire way (except the last bit ont he way back) all on his own.
We live in a beautiful area of country. I'm very impressed with our surrounding areas, and on Sunday when we were out, we viewed at least 8 bears, on that one day.
Living in a tourist based town does have it's drawbacks though. We've had to adjust our timing when driving into town now, as we've had to account for RV's. I can't believe how many of them there are! Almost each and every single one of them is a rental too!
I'm working hard at working hard.
H joined me at the Daycare today, and he adjusted very well to sharing me with 13 other children.
Last weekend H got a bad cramp in his leg while my mom was here. She massaged it out and he fell asleep for the night. A few days later I was getting him ready for bed and brought the cramp up in a conversation w/Mr. H suddenly got a very perplexed look on his face and looked down at his leg. He started to lift up his pant leg, and when I asked him what he was doing, he said "I want to see the clamp on my leg mommy".

Holy Bears Batman!

It's been a hectic, and short week.
Just in the past two days, I've seen a grand total of 6 bears in my area. They're big, fat, and huge!
I guess with all of mild weather we've had, they must've been out earlier and have consequently eaten massive amounts. They are now the size they would normally be by the end of summer...so I can only imagine how big they will be by the end of summer!
MIL is visiting, and we had a nice day today. We headed into town to catch the local Farmer's Market, and to see what else we could catch in the flea markets & garage sales that were happening this weekend. We didn't walk away with much from those, which was rather surprising.
D is amassing himself quite a collection of flowers. Today he made the decision to start collecting purple flowers. Should be interesting. He started out with a geranium, but I don't think he knew it would be red, so he picked out some purple flowered plants at the Farmer's Market, and has decided he's like to keep them for himself.
While this week was a challenge and struggle for me to get through, I made it.
H is starting Daycare on Monday. I'm looking forward to it. I'll get to take him to work with me, and actually spend an entire day with him. I've been feeling rather put out that there is another person who is receiving all of that glorious affection that H showers down of late, so I'm really looking forward to this new turn of events.
There is so much that's going on that I wish I could blog about, but since I know it would hurt those whom I happen to be thinking about, the thoughts are best kept to myself.
I feel like people can see how sad I am. I keep seeing this person in the mirror when I walk by it, and I keep wondering what happened to her smile. It feel like I don't do it nearly as often as I have at times.
I've made a compromise, and am trying my best to stick to my end of the deal. I struggle with it each day, but I figure that if I make it through unscathed that I will be stronger for it...right? If I can't give a little, what else is there?
I feel like I'm in a constant state of waiting. Eventually whatever it is that I am waiting for will arrive.
How I have any hope left after looking that statement is beyond me. Maybe it's a survivor thing...