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Thursday, June 03, 2010

Indulgence

I'm indulging in self pity tonight.
I've been struggling ever since I began my job. Struggling with coping strategies, people's perceptions of me, and how best to approach my clients.
I've never done this job before, I've never had any training, and it's been years since I've worked in a professional environment.
I am only human.
I made a comment to my supervisor earlier this week, about a co-worker of mine. It was made with the intention of not being able to put my finger on something, and worry that I may be missing a link that could be crucial to building a fairly strong bond. My intentions were not clear, because I didn't elaborate on it.
My supervisor reprimanded me today for making the comment, by telling me how unprofessional it was to make such a comment in such a backhanded manner. She also told me whether or not I liked someone I worked with was irrelevant to any professional situation, as long as I could work nicely with them. She also warned me that this was such a small community that I could never be sure who I was talking to, and that for all I knew I could be talking to someone's relative, and that it could potentially get back to the person of whom I'm speaking without ever intending it to. Then she stressed how extremely loyal she was to the staff at my office, and proceeded to express how much we needed to provide a unified front. In all, the reprimand was very strongly worded, with a definite passion to ring the words in.
After a number of thoughtful hours pondering all of this, I've decided to apologize directly to said person, and explain myself in a more direct manner.
The main purpose of said comment, was that I really enjoy the women, but she never really has anything to say about herself, and holds herself in a stand-offish sort of way that confuses me. I guess it may be that I operate differently than she does, and I'd like more than anything to get to know her more, as I do work with her on a regular basis. Maybe it was this hope that I had approached the manner in the wrong way.
Upon reflection I also realized I may have had a bad week for off-hand comments, as I know on at least two occasions that I came off sounding like an ass without meaning to. In both situations it was a mere desire to incur conversation, but it came out in such a manner that I know I raised some hackles while I was at it, just thinking about the reactions to the words I spoke brought.
I'm indulging in self pity, because I know I made a mistake.
I could get all defensive, but I'm not. I know the right thing to do in this situation, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hate making mistakes, especially when someone points them out to me.

2 thoughtful remarks:

Ama said...

Don't be so hard on yourself...sounds like you're going to take another approach and make amends where you feel they're needed. Takes a lot of courage to do that (BIG hug to you!)

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