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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Broken

Well, life is back to normal round here, barely.
I've shipped off H again to mom's house in Kelowna...until the end of the month. It's too difficult for me to cope with both boys after coming home. I can't expect my Mr to do everything all the time either, as my mental health has an effect on his mental health. We both really just need a break from constant demands.
D is back in school, enjoys his classmates and teacher, but is angry at us because we won't let him walk or ride his bike to school on his own yet. We saw a bear across the street over the weekend, can ya blame us?!
I'm back at work, after a two week nap. I slept a lot, and made a permanent imprint on the pallet/bed where I sleep.
I've made a Dr's appt for Friday to see if I can score a referral to someone who will do my counseling over the phone so I'm not required to drive 90 minutes one way to the nearest person who will see me on a weekly basis. If that doesn't work out, I can try the Aboriginal approach. If that doesn't work out, I am seriously considering hospitalizing myself.
There've been a number of days where I just have not felt right. Days where I know my mood is weird, even for me. Days where I know the thoughts in my head are not from anyplace near rational. Some of the thoughts in my head are thoughts I've had before, then on those weird days I get some from left field that have never occurred to me before. Those thoughts are dangerous, and it's all I can do to keep them at bay.
Don't even get me started on the dreams I've been having.
I'm wondering if working right now is the best thing for me...seriously. How can I expect to take care of anyone else, if I'm not taking proper care of myself first.
As I sit back and look at things with this skewed perspective, I wonder how on earth I've ever survived the issues I've been through. It's got to be a testament to my ability to keep on.
I'm a survivor.
It's time to stop surviving, and start living. The only way to do that is to stop and fix what's been broken, even if it's by baby steps. One way or the other, it's time to get started on that.

2 thoughtful remarks:

Carina the Blogarina said...

aww *hugs*

Osbasso said...

Wish I had a quick and simple answer to give you here. I think you need to do whatever it takes to get YOU back to feeling good. About yourself, about your family, about life. Then worry about pleasing everyone else later...

Hang in there!