Thursday, October 28, 2010

Chemical Bliss

It is more apparent to me, that I don't function like other people do.
I've often watched others, and wished that I could interact like they do, or had the unconscious grace in the way they carry themselves...or maybe wished that I don't feel the way I do about myself, or the way I work.

I know my blog is dark lately, it's not as filled with random thoughts filling my head and entriesas it was when I stayed at home.
Everyone has those times...this is mine.

I know I'm still too hard on myself. I know I'm not working on the progress to surpass my upbringing. I've lost sight of the goals and paths for those for the time being.
I can feel myself gazing longingly at people who don't have my background, wondering what it must've been like to know value, self worth, and have people believe in you.
I'm a better parent, but I'm so far gone from where I'd like to be that it's difficult not to give up, give in, and just say fuck it.
Sure...I could be tired, over worked, stressed, in need of a moment.
There are times where I long to scream out everything in my heart, in my mind, and on the tip of my tongue.
There is no one I trust in my realm with all of those...and so I come here to let a little steam out, just so I can keep on going.

I want to drink myself to a stupor, I want to forget who I am. I want to smoke a joint, snort a line, and down a tab.
I don't see that I'm worth any fuss. I don't see beauty. I don't see charisma, or tenacity. I don't see determination. I don't see a reason.
I see that little girl, standing there tattling, and no one wants to hear me.
I feel alone, without direction.
I feel valueless.
I'm just here.
Why am I just here?
I don't want my children viewing me in this state, never have.
How long can this last? It's been months already...literally.
I want to forget.
I want to forget that I'm sleeping in the bed I made.
I want to forget that the only reason why I'm here is because I was too fucking stupid to walk away.
I want to forget unhappiness, and live in bliss.
I don't give a fuck right now if it's chemically made.

For the time being, I'll keep my head down, and move on minute by minute, and pray the the next one isn't as bad as this one.

3 thoughtful remarks:

ama said...

I know I'm the MIL, but I've been where you're at and longed for what you do...and though I don't have some of those things or confidence that I'd like to, I found a place in my head and heart where I can function. and one day, I hope to have those things that elude me still. You are a beautiful woman and have loads of charisma, talent, and's just not visible to you during difficult's there and will be waiting for you...I love and care...ama

Osbasso said...

My only request is that you don't go the chemical route. Wish I had the one answer you're looking for. Or the multiple ones.

For what it's worth, you're definitely worth the fuss. And all that other stuff you wrote yourself. Don't give up on yourself!

Nietha said...

You're one of the best people I know so there's no need to judge yourself or compare yourself to others. Many people love you just as you are, including me =)