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Saturday, February 21, 2009

I'm Entitled Every Once & A While

Remember the other day when I said I hurt my neck? I was in such horrendous pain that night, and decided I should see the Dr the next morning. I swear, I thought maybe that I had sprained it or something. I went to see the Dr, and he said it was a neck strain (equivalent to whip lash). He gave me the prescrip and said it could take nearly a month to heal properly before the pain goes away. Joy. Can you imagine a month's worth of headaches because of one silly incident?? *rolls eyes* I swear I need to lay off, really.
While I was at the Dr's, I asked him to check out a lump. About a week ago I discovered a lump at the base of my hairline, small, hard, and very defined. As the ppl I had asked to check it out had trouble even finding it without actually feeling it, I decided to get it checked out. Now, I wasn't panicking too much, because I recall that when I was really young my mother used to get cysts rather frequently in the strangest places. Of course, after talking to the Dr, he informed me that's what it was, a simple small cyst. Thank goodness.
I'm rather frustrated today. I hate not being able to drive myself anyplace. I'm completely reliant on other people, and it sucks. My Mr has refused to drive me places for other reasons, and I've decided not to go places because I can't drive, as well having gotten stuck out because of the person I'm with. I cringe when I think about having to do my monthly shopping now. I would love it if cabs came with a frequent rider card, cause that's where I'd be at, given the choice. Did I mention that even when I do go out, it's required that we load up both of the kids just for me to do so?? Yup, you read that right, even if I wanted to go by myself (which is no longer an option of course), I can't go anyplace without the carload dragging me out.
All of this makes me want to scream. I want to scream, and stop, and throw myself on the floor. I want to so badly to yell at this outrageousness. There are other idiots out there who are here illegally, and they have all the benefits of a free person. Here I am, bound to my house, and my family. I can't work, drive, get covered for health benefits, or even do anything that requires a SSN#. I've had difficult times getting memberships at places because I don't have one. I don't matter here. At all.
I am not a free person.
And people question why I hate it here so much. Yes, you read that right. Even though I try my hardest not to waste energy on this emotion, this is one area where I cannot help myself. I've had nothing but negative stuff happen here (besides the birth of D of course), and I just can't seem to convince myself that I shouldn't have hate for this place. That silver lining is very difficult for me to find. I am only human.
I have to say that it's not often that I dwell on the negative, but I admit now that since I had that privelige revoked I'm having an extremely difficult time staying positive.
I feel like a mrtyr in this instance, though it hardly qualifies on the worldly scale as suffering, and it is rather pathetic.
June can not come fast enough.
Earlier this week, my Mr came home and said "We're having people over on Friday". No consulting, he told me. Now, because he's my husband he's entitled to a few blunders, but when I'm not feeling so hot (and I try not to complain out loud about any pain I'm in), and he says something like that to me, I really try to dig down deep for my patience.
"No dear, I don't feel up to company this week". I refused to cook, and I refused to clean (for this get together), and I did a fairly good job of it, until I got hungry.
Yes, we ended up having people over, and yes I got a giggle out of it, but the point was, was I didn't want company at all. I did hide out with the kids though, so that was ok. Sometimes I have a really difficult time gettimg my message accross though, and I really need to work on that. My ability to say "NO" to my Mr for anything is greatly diminished. I'm disappointed in myself for that. Seriously, where the fuck is my backbone, and why the fuck is it so hard to grow when I'm obviously not feeling well?
So, after all is said and done, it's raining today (instead of snowing) and I know exactly how the weather feels. I just want to curl up someplace, and pretend that I don't exist. Bury myself in a book, or a great movie, or hell, I'd even settle for a nap (another one).
I'm feeling rather apathetic. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling lost. Someone, please find me. I need to be rescued.
I'm bummed out.

5 thoughtful remarks:

only a movie said...

Oh my goodness, you have a lot on your plate.

I'm glad you were able to have that cyst looked at. I am so sorry about the driving problem. What a nightmare for you. How do you do it w/ the kids? Ack.

My expressions LIVE said...

I too have had many hard times myself, unfortunately it seems for that I am the root cause for many or the issues that I face. I feel like you do at times. We still need to sit up and put our feet on the floor and keep moving. xoxoxox

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

You cannot be rescued if you don't help. "No I won't" does not mean you do it but you made faces at him". You are in an abusive (but passive abusive) relationship. You have to say NO. If you cannot do that, how can I rescue you? You are rationizing rather bad behaviour. Pack. Call or email me...

LarryG said...

you are so amazing, and wonderful.
you deserve a bit of space sometimes, i bet he'll agree just talk about it and let it out.
love ya! larryg

Aimie said...

I am so sorry you had such a crappy weekend. Maybe a playdate with another local mom could help? Then serve pb&j to the kiddos and you can chit chat with your friend to get stuff off your chest. It works wonders sometimes. A break from constant parenting and adult girl talk.

Good luck sweetie!
Huggs to you!