Confession

Today was busy. I did my regular morning meme, and then without warning the day got under way. Spent many an hour in the kitchen, cooking a crazy amount of Spaghetti for tonight's potluck for the Blue & Gold at Cub Scouts. I'm not kidding when I say crazy amount. Seriously, three big boxes of Spaghetti noodles, and four pounds of ground beef, along with two packages of mushrooms, a full two bulbs of Garlic, a rib of celery, and about 4 green peppers. Two full crock pots of sauce, and two full roasting pans of noodles later, we had dinner for what looked an army. Seriously, when they tell me to make enough for a main dish for everyone, I take it literally. Really though, there did turn out to be a number of people thinkin simple as well, as a pasta & tomato dish was quite popular, and I did end up coming back home with half. Thank goodness for the freezer space.
I'm disappointed in my behavior tonight. I was frazzled, and I let it show a whole lot more than I intended. It wasn't just the preparation that I put into it, making the videos, slide shows, food, pressing clothing, packing bags of things that will be needed, it was a whole lot more. I snapped at my husband a whole lot more than I wanted, and I just didn't put my best foot forward to cheer D on. I feel terrible in the aftermath.
Besides though, I'm tired, and I could be making more out of it than I should, but there's a load sitting on my plate that feels like I should shovel it down, but I don't know where to start.
The movie had a good reception, even though it was mainly by the tables sitting closest to the projector and the TV it needed to be hooked up to for sound. We couldn't hear it in the back, but I heard a lot of good feedback making my way around the room when it was on. The Cub Master has asked that I make one for the end of the Cub Scout year (end of school year time) to sell to parents as a memento. Not a bad idea.
I had headed out yesterday with the Mr to go to do some errands at the bank, and one of them was to add me on to his account so I don't require his presence each time I want to go shopping (we don't carry cash because we're not good at controlling the spending with it, so we use Debit cards only to curb spontaneous spending), but the bank won't allow me to be added because I don't have an Ohio Driver's License, or a Canadian Passport. Yet another way I'm an invalid in this country. I don't even count for a bank card.
D had a dentist appointment today with a new dentist, and the news wasn't good. That alone makes me feel like crying...but more on that topic to come once the Mr and I discuss it further, cause I just didn't have time to absorb it while in the midst of preparations for this eve.
H has a cavity in one of his teeth. I spotted it this eve, and I actually did start crying. Once again, I blame my lack of energy.
Tomorrow night marks the second session of Our Whole Lives, and it will be the Parent/Child Orientation. Hopefully D will be open to the reception of this new information.
Need to find a babysitter for Thursday night's Cub Scout meetings, and especially the once a month Pack Meetings, cause this eve was rough with him there. It's getting harder for me to find things to entertain him when the focus is supposed to be on D, and I don't like D loosing what "positive" attention we do place on him these days.
I feel hopeless, and like I've lost what little control I hold over my life. Stupid whip lash, allergy outbreak, loss of my ability to drive, and an even more glaring view of just how much I don't matter to this country (despite my best efforts to do things the legal way), and an overwhelming feeling of guilt that my children's oral hygene isn't what it should be...and I think I may just cry myself to sleep tonight.
I think it's time to take a time out here, and find a bit of respite to gather myself back together...find my happy place, and rebuild myself so I can move on out of this dreary rut I feel like I'm in. Maybe tomorrow I'll steal that plan I gave to Jack about making my very own Tropical Get-Away here at home. I know, I'll fill the baby pool in the garage (it does, after all, have a drain), toss in the space heater so it doesn't seem so cold, find some relaxing music, and have a fun filled day with the boys. Since there's no school tomorrow, I think it sounds like a good dose of medicine. I need to find that reason to smile, and not focus so much on feeling sorry for myself, cause even I think it's getting a bit redudant. Pull yourself together. Move on, cause time stops for no one, and why should I continue wasting my time moping when I have the power to fix the things that wrong, improve and find new information to empower our family to move in the right direction.
And on that note, I leave you with the picture of my day.